Wondering why...

 I don't know why life unfolds the way it does...

A few days ago would have been my Mother's birthday.  She has been gone for 20 years now, and I still miss her.  I still wonder why she had to leave us then.  I still wonder why God didn't allow her to stick around for a while longer so she could have met my boys.  I don't know why it wasn't part of His plan for my Mom to enjoy Grant and Dylan.  Why did they have to grow up not knowing what a wonderful person she was...how sweet and kind and nice and gentle and generous and loving a Grandma they would have had...so different from me...she would have brought balance to our lives, and a sense of softness that we ... I lack...

I wonder the same about my Father in Law.  He has been gone for 25 years.  He would have been such a great presence for our boys too...a force pushing them to dream big and keep laughing.  He would have brought a wisdom and clarity of mind that all of us could have profoundly benefitted from every day of our lives.

But it didn't work out that way.  They both left us too soon.  God's plan didn't include for us to live our lives alongside our wonderful parents for too long....and thinking about that makes me terribly sad...for me, for my kids, for Dan...

When loneliness hits hard, I start to wonder... why?

A prayer goes up into the unknown...and I wait for an answer that doesn't come.

It doesn't come in the way that I'd imagine it...but it does come.  Perhaps, not audibly, in the form of words I can understand, but it comes.  It comes in a sense of peace brought to me by something beautiful in my path: a ray of sunshine, a blue sky, a refreshing breeze...a comforting presence that hushes away my loneliness and ushers in a new awakening to a trust that sustains me.

We are not supposed to try to figure some things out.  There are things that are supposed to remain a mystery until God intends to reveal them.  While we walk on this earth, our job is to follow Him and trust His will, His perfect will, even when we don't understand it...because more often than not, we will not fully get it, or get it at all.  I guess that's the essence of Proverbs 3: 5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

 in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.

This is the secret of letting go: to Trust the One Who Made the Plan and Leads our Path, as we forget about the one we tried to design on our own.  This is true peace.  

There's not much use to wondering why.  Though, sometimes it could be good, because it is a way to remember the importance of our dependence on Him, Who Is Our Strength.  

Happy Birthday, Mom.  I hope you had a divine celebration in Heaven with those who have preceded us.  Save a seat for us.  In Christ, Precious Name.  Amen!