Got Talent?

-“I don’t want to play soccer, or baseball, or basketball, or football. I don’t want to join a swim team either!” Argh!

Sigh…

-“But Dylan, you are…”

-“I know, I know what you are going to say… I’m wasting my talents…”

This is a little dialogue that goes on at our house quite often lately. Dylan has incredible eye-hand coordination and, in my opinion, which is pretty worthless if you ask me, he is totally wasting it. He has gotten into his head that he doesn’t want to play any sports. And, to tell you the truth, I am tired of pushing.

This whole thing about talents is very frustrating to me. I consider myself rather talentless (here’s my insecurities speaking again). Therefore, I get really annoyed when I see gifted, talented people just … not using their gifts and talents…sigh…

I have to let go of that way of thinking.

Today was a good day to start.

As I was endlessly running errands earlier, in between stops, I heard bits and pieces of two broadcasts that really made me see things from a different perspective. First, I heard the last few minutes of a sermon from Pastor Rick Warren. He said something like: you are at the church you are because the church needs the talents you have…hmmmm

That got me thinking…

Later, I heard the last few minutes of a talk by someone I have never heard before, it was Pastor Dimas Salaberrios. This was a broadcast of Focus on the Family. At any rate, I heard Pastor Salaberrios wrapping up a speech about how God rescued him from the streets of the Bronx. Apparently, he had been a notorious drug dealer for a long time, and his conversion was nothing less than miraculous. He said that once he got out of jail, and was a fully committed Christian, His soon-to-be-wife took him to a church where they were going to have a mission that would smuggle Bibles into China. He said that his eyes opened wide at the thought of being able to smuggle for Jesus! He actually used the skills he had developed as a drug dealer to bring the Word of God into China!

As I heard that, I was like…WHAAAAT? It was a total slap on the face…but lovingly, of course…maybe more like Our Heavenly Father grabbed my face into His hands and shook it a little, like my Dad used to do when he wanted me to really see something…sigh…

Who am I to say I have no talents? Who am I to determine what God can and cannot use for the furthering of His Kingdom? Who am I to put limit on the Almighty? Who am I to judge how talents should be used? Who am I to decide when a talent is being wasted?

I cannot control what Dylan, Grant or anyone else decides to do with the gifts God has endowed them with. But I can control the way I look at their decisions. I can look at it from the perspective that God can and will use anything…even if we think we are not ready…even if we are not willing…even if we think we have nothing He can actually use.

Summer Meditations: Hanging On to Scriptures

I began these meditations on Psalm 139 earlier in August because of my constant struggles with insecurities. A deep-rooted sense of inadequacy is my constant companion. I feel like a fraud most of the time. Voices in my head yell at me things like: “You are a horrible Mother and the worst wife in the world!” “You call yourself a teacher? HA! You have no clue what you are doing!” “With friends like you, who needs enemies?” “You are a terrible sister and you were a bad daughter!” “You neglected your parents and now they are gone! You abandoned your siblings, now they hate you!” “You don’t know how to be an aunt.” “You do not deserve to be called a child of God!”

Sigh…

There is so much screaming going on in my head, I’m going deaf! I suffocate in the turbulent waters of my inner blame, product of my own self-creation and inability to make the noise stop.

I need to drown those voices, but I can’t…I cannot do it on my own. The Holy Spirit is the Only One who can silence, once and for all, the lies that bounce on the walls of my mind day in and day out. And I believe, the best tool of the Spirit to accomplish this divine task is to flood my brain with the Living Waters of the Word of God.

Here’s where precious pieces of Scripture such as Psalm 139 come into action…as a lifeline, a lifesaver…to which we hang on in order to stay afloat, until we realize we are truly standing on the Solid Rock…until we get our bearings back, and realize that we were always standing on the Solid Rock…for that sense of drowning, drifting and despair were nothing more than the deceiving work of the enemy.

No matter how I may feel about myself. No matter how inadequate I think I am. No matter how worthless I believe I am. No matter how much of a fraud I consider myself. There is nothing that can separate me for the love of God:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our LORD. Romans 8: 38-39

I claim these words as my own. I hang on to them for dear life. And I use them as my banner, because His banner over me is love! (Song of Solomon 2: 4)

Psalm 139 stands as a reminder to all of us who struggle with insecurities about whatever, that He knows us…He knows us better than anyone, even than ourselves…because He made us. And in spite of knowing everything about ourselves, the good, the bad and the ugly, He declares us marvelous! Therefore, we are! He loves us and He says we are wonderful, because we are wonderful in Him, regardless of what the world may think.

So, as we allow our minds and hearts to be filled with and by the Way, the Truth and the Life there will be no room for guilt… no place for self-hate… no space for the voices of the enemy…no darkness…Only Jesus and His Light!

Summer Meditations: Make Me New, Lord!

23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

As we come to the end of Psalm 139 I am standing on the dawn of my first day back to work after a wonderful summer. I’m typing these words just minutes before I have to go get dressed, and I can’t help but being nervous about the new semester.

I look back at the summer months, running around with the kids…having fun…waking up every morning filled with the joy of carefree days…and I feel my heart become seriously melancholic. I love summer!!!!

Today, on the other hand, I wake up, stomach full of butterflies, head full of anxious thoughts. The fear of another stressful semester threatens to consume me…sigh…the fear of another season of self-doubt and sense of inadequacy threatens to paralyze me…

I want to be intentional, however…I want to be intentional about casting all my anxieties onto the Lord…I want to be intentional about trusting Him!

I want Him to search me once again, and know my heart. I want Him to test me, know my anxious thoughts and see if there is any offensive way in me, so He can wash it all away along with my fears and insecurities. I want Him to show me when I am being judgmental and self-righteous, as He gently reminds me to be humble, gentle and kind, displaying the fruits of the Spirit who is seriously working hard in me. I want Him to make me new. And I want Him to lead me in the way everlasting.

I have to go now, but tomorrow we will conclude our walk along the verses of Psalm 139 with a reminder that we are wonderful, regardless of what we might think of ourselves.

Summer Meditations: Reality Check

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!

Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;

your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,

and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;

I count them my enemies.

Well…this portion of Psalm 139 almost feels as if it didn’t belong here. To tell you the truth, verses 19-22 make me feel a bit uneasy. I don’t know what to make of them… Where do these thoughts come from? They feel completely unrelated to the topic of the Psalm, which I interpret to be a reminder of how intimately God knows His children, and how, in spite of such multi-dimensional knowledge, He loves us…He thinks we are wonderful! I believe, this Psalm is about how the Lord ministers to each of His children personally, individually and compassionately. The whole Psalm, up until here, reads as a prayer of thanksgiving for God’s infinite pouring of His love on His completely underserving children. Then, all of a sudden, we find ourselves asking God to “slay the wicked!” Hmmmm

I can’t help but thinking that it was, precisely, David’s meditation on the depth of God’s love toward His own, and on His mercy, what led Him to consider the absurdity of the fact that there are some who would speak of God with evil intent…that there could be some who hate Him, and that there are many who are in rebellion against Him…

David’s heart, a heart after God’s own heart, could not fathom that reality. Therefore, He turns to righteous anger. He sees no use for the wicked. They are the enemy and they need to be sent away.

How could they not see the goodness of our loving God? How could they misuse His Name? How could they rebel against the Lord? How could they hate Him?

David has no patience for them. He abhors them and wants them wiped out.

David knows Our God is a Holy God. He knows that His name is Holy. He knows that He deserves all reverence, worship, praised and thanksgiving! Therefore, seeing the actions of the wicked revolts him.

I believe, that verses 19-22 of Psalm 139 give balance to this piece of Scripture, so we don’t forget that God IS Love, but also, that He is just as every bit as Holy as He is Loving. The Word reminds us that the fate of the wicked is separation from the source of life…which means death.

Sigh…

The state of our society scares me to no end. However, I trust God’s plan and His wisdom. Therefore, I no longer see these verses as out of place…now, I see them as a reality check.

Summer Meditations: He Thinks of Me...

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!

How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand—

when I awake, I am still with you.

A while ago, the Holy Spirit led me to the discipline of offering my very first thoughts in the morning to My Lord. Rather than allowing my head to be inundated by the mundane thoughts of my day ahead, I try to hit the pause button for a few seconds and recite the words:

This is the day which the LORD has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118: 24

I also offer a few phrases of praise and thanksgiving, which I try to keep in my mind throughout the day.

This simple routine is minimal, I know, but it has helped me to gain perspective and balance in my mornings. Before, as soon as I would open my eyes or get the first awareness of the new day, my head would directly go to the troubles and tribulations that awaited me. I would start the day in such frantic manner, that by 8:00 a.m. I’d be ready to get back in bed for I was spent.

The funny thing is that, even though this small step toward the goal of permanently fixing my eyes on Christ seems easy enough, it is not. You have no idea how many mornings I have to re-shift my thoughts as I catch myself going to the world first, rather than offering praises to the Maker of the world for the gift of a new day.

Sigh…

Now, imagine my deep sense of conviction as I read verses 17 and 18 of Psalm 139… God thinks of me so often, that the task of counting his thoughts of me is unattainable … for the sum of His thoughts of me is so vast that it outnumbers the grains of sand in the sea. If anyone were to attempt to count them, they would not succeed! He thinks of us not only in the morning, but permanently, forever, at all times! Unfathomable!

Who am I that you would think of me, Lord?

I am humbled…deeply humbled by this realization.

And to think that I cannot even give you a proper “good morning,” sometimes…

That just proves, once again, what the Almighty, Himself tells us:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.” Isaiah 55: 8

Therefore, in my human frailty, I respond to You,

How precious to me are your thoughts, God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Summer Meditations: You See me and You Still Love me

15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

I don’t really wear makeup. However, I’m addicted to lipstick. I cannot leave the house without it. I always have at least 3 in my purse, 2 somewhere in my desk at work, and I have learned not to leave any in the car the hard way. I’m actually ready to spend a decent amount of money in a couple of new shades right about now. The reason, I just really dislike my face without lipstick. I look too pale. I feel naked in a way… maybe I’m just too vain… but I don’t feel put together. I feel not finished.

I know, it’s stupid, right? The thing is that not many people are willing to let anyone see them when they think of themselves to be in an unshapely…unformed state. It’s like we feel skeletal without the trimmings. Like a Christmas tree without ornaments…I hate to bring up Christmas in the summer, but I see those Christmas trees standing in a remote corner of my basement and I look away. There is a reason I have them covered with plastic bags…they are just the frame, who wants to see that? Therefore, I hide them.

Back to the lipstick business, I just don’t like showing my flaws. Lipstick covers a multitude of them! And that’s just my dumb face! Now, imagine letting someone see an X-Ray of my soul? A sonogram of my deepest thoughts? A movie of my inner life?! Yikes!

Nobody really wants to see all the things we weave together in the depths of our minds. I don’t like people seeing me without lipstick! Imagine how protective I am of the things I hide in the secret places of my heart!

Well…there is someone I cannot hide anything from…

The Great I Am sees it all! Super Man’s X-Ray vision is pitiful compared to the multi-dimensional images the Lord sees of all of what we are inside…of all of what we truly are like.

I know, I’m rambling and babbling here. But that’s the effect thinking about God’s eyes seeing everything about me, from the time I wasn’t even formed to today and beyond, has in my mind. I get really nervous. I want to look for my lipstick, but there isn’t one that can cover the nakedness of my frame to His all-seeing-eyes…so I shudder.

He also sees all the days of my life. He ordained them Himself. He wrote them in the book that details all the events of my stay on this earth. O, the inexpressible map of your ways! Why, knowing all there is to be known about me, You chose to love me? I would never understand it. But I will forever be grateful as I humbly accept Your eyes upon me and Your hand of blessings upon my life.

Romans 8:1-2 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.

Summer Meditations: We Are Wonderful!

13 For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

At the center of this magnificent Psalm we find, what I believe, is the core premise of the message: God created me, and God’s creation is wonderful; therefore, I am wonderful!

Regardless of what I might think of myself. Regardless of how lowly I consider myself. Regardless of how much of a failure I am convinced that I am…all that feeling of inadequacy comes only from one place: the enemy.

Everything the enemy plots has the general goal of separating us from God. What better way to interfere in our relationship with our Lord, than to make us think that we are not worthy of being in a relationship with Him. The enemy makes us feel ashamed of who we are. He fills us with guilt, so we would put distance. We hide from Christ.

Last school year, around January, I got a bit distracted with work so I stopped paying close attention to Grant’s grades. I didn’t check his progress as often as I had been doing until then. I don’t know where the weeks went…so, by the time I checked…he was failing math!!!!

I flipped! I yelled! I threatened! I made him feel ashamed…

“Why didn’t you tell me you were having problems in Math????? We could have helped you!!!!!!”

I got no answer…of course.

Sigh…

As he began to have issues with the subject at school, he started to feel ashamed. The more in trouble he got, the more ashamed he became. And the less inclined to asking for help from us he was…because he knows that I am a harsh judge…because he didn’t want to have to deal with my reaction…because he didn’t think I would be proud of his mediocre performance.

Double sigh…

We are the people our sons can turn to when they are in trouble in this world. I mean…the line of people who truly care about them starts and ends with us! They know that. But they walk away from us when they are ashamed even if it means that they will be alone, sinking in the pit of their problems because they are not able to help themselves…but they rather do that, than confront their guilt and shame.

I do the same. The Lord is my refuge and my strength…my ever-present help in times of trouble…(Psalm 46), but when I am in the type of trouble that makes me ashamed of myself…I walk away from the One who is able to help me get out of that shame-inducing trouble…

The thing is that we judge God with the same measure that we judge people. Grant knows me. He knows how I react to things like him not getting satisfactory grades. As it happens, parents are usually the barometer we use to attempt to gage God’s nature and behavior. We attribute our Heavenly Father the earthly characteristics of our biological parents. And, I don’t know about you and your parents, but in my case, neither me, nor my parents have been the best models of godly parenthood.

What to do, then?

Well, we go to the truth. Rather than trying to apply human traits to God, let’s go to His Word! What does Scripture say about the nature and logic of God?

Well, let’s take just one example: God created me, and God’s creation is wonderful; therefore, I am wonderful! Where’s the shame on that?

He created our “inmost being.” He “knitted us together in our Mother’s womb.” He knows every…single…detail about us because He made every…single…detail about us. And, even though He did…He still loves us and thinks we are wonderful. And we are wonderful not because of what we do, or performance or our behavior. We are wonderful because He FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE US! It is because of who He is and what He has done that we get the title of “wonderful.” And it is because of His breath of life in us that we get to know that full well.