To Dwell or To Settle?

After a little hiatus, I have picked up my copy of You're Going to be Okay by Holley Gerth, and as expected, it caused me to pause as she mentioned something that intrigued me.  At the end of chapter 6, she talks about how we are not meant to settle in the places of hurt: the desert, the hard places, depression, fear...We are not to settle anywhere but in the center of all God has for us. Then, she says:  "You aren't created to settle.  You're created to dwell." (129)

hmmmm...

I know that I might be straying away from the core message of this chapter here, but I love words, so I was puzzled.  What's the difference between to settle and to dwell?

I'm not an English native speaker, and of course, many things about the English language confuse me; but I want to know what she really meant?  I really want to know!  I think the author is inviting us to do something profound here, and I don't want to miss it.  After comparing definitions...I don't think I'm any clearer, so I think I need help from those who have been speaking and thinking in English since birth, because I believe that the difference resides in the connotation of the terms, not so much in the conceptual or denotative meaning. 

To dwell in the Old Testament usually is a translation of words that mean to sit down, and also to abide, to inhabit, to remain.  In the New Testament the most frequent meaning is to abide.  (https://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionaries/eastons-bible-dictionary/dwell.html)  According to the same source in Bible Study Tools online, to settle denotes fixedness.  In the Old Testament, to settle points to a condition of absolute quiescence, as the settlings on the lees (Zephaniah 1: 12, Jeremiah 48: 11); and in still another place it means packing solidly together (Psalm 65: 10).

"Settling on the lees..." that made me even more intrigued... "Men settled on their lees" (Zephaniah 1: 12) are men "hardened or crusted." The image is derived from the crust formed at the bottom of wines long left undisturbed (Jeremiah 48: 11). The effect of wealthy undisturbed ease on the ungodly is hardening. They become stupidly secure." (http://biblehub.com/topical/l/lees.htm)

WOW!

So I guess...even though both words have similar conceptual meanings: to be established, to remain...the connotation of to dwell is never negative and it's mostly associated with God's choice to inhabit within close proximity of His children, and the need for His children to abide in Him.  To settle, on the other hand, has a connotation of fixedness...a faith that is so rigid that it's not malleable.  A life that is so set, that almost becomes a brick, which cannot be shaped any other way.  A walk that has stopped, even though the road is not over yet.

I guess, that's why friends so often tell their girlfriends "don't settle for that guy!" Once we settle, we run the risk of becoming stagnant...almost like we give up, and we just take what we got because we stop believing that there is something else better waiting for us as we continue our walk with Christ by our side.

The nuances of language are fascinating to me.  I'm not sure I got this right... but all I know is that I don't want my faith to become rigid.  I don't want to "settle on the lees."  I want to remain like the clay that He, Our Divine Potter, can mold in His loving hands and make me into His masterpiece.  I want to be obedient to Jesus, as He exhorts us to abide...to remain in Him.

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.  

John 15: 7-11

Healed!

For the last 5 years I have had intense seasons of testing...literally...and figuratively...  It is amazing what you find out about yourself when illness strikes.  I have found out many things in my experience.  I have realized that I cannot do this alone.  I need the prayers and the warmth of those around me.  And I am most thankful because the Lord has blessed me with my very own, personal, great cloud of witnesses, who surround me, and who are made evident on the faces of my church family, sisters in Christ, prayer warriors, and blood family.  I have found out that I can call out to them and they answer me...which brings me the type of comfort and reassurance that could only be orchestrated from Heaven above!

I have also learned that I am weak.  I have learned that I crumble under pressure.  I have learned that I am not as strong as I once thought I was.  I used to border on arrogance when it came to thinking of myself.  I had this image of me being a tower of fortitude.  My years dealing with testing has taught me to be humble and not to think of myself as a self-sufficient entity.  I am weak.  But in my weakness, He is strong!  I have learned that too!  The weaker I am, the stronger His glory, power and might radiates!  Even me, little, weak me can do these things...yes...not because I am awesome...but because He is!

I have also realized that my faith needs to be strengthened.  Again, I bordered on arrogance when it came to what I thought my level of maturity in the faith was.  I thought of myself as a rather advanced Christian...whatever that might mean?!  Pride blurred my vision and deceived me into thinking I had the matters of the Spirit all figured out.  Little did I know then, that I know very little about anything.  The constant testing, however, has helped me push ahead in my steps of faith.  Rather than immediate panic as my first response, I now know I must go to the Word.  I find my refuge in the Psalms during my time of testing.  And every time I open my Bible, I discover a fresh word... yesterday, as I waited (not my favorite activity at all!) to get the results of my last tests, I was reading through the Psalms and this jumped at me:

Praise be to the Lord,

for he has heard my cry for mercy. 

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise him. Psalm 28: 6-7

I read these words shortly before I received the e-mail that contained the results of that one tests I was fearing...and it was a direct word from the Lord, in my opinion...for I have been reciting to myself the words:  "I trust You, Lord! I trust You, Lord!..." over and over and over again for weeks...and He helped me...so reading this Psalm was particularly invigorating!  

I went downstairs and checked my e-mail and there it was...a completely normal result on my cancer marker... my last check up the number had been higher than usual, which caused me to freak out!  But here it was, back to the normal level...

But, why was I surprised!?  I was not.  The Lord is Faithful and He has healed me.  I just have to believe it!  He has healed me for a purpose...I have to claim it!  He has given me victory, I need to own it!

But, furthermore, even if I weren't healed...He is still Good and His plan is still perfect!  I learned that 5 years ago when I got a diagnosis I had been fearing.  I learned that back then when the outcome was not what I had prayed for.  I learned that when He showed me that regardless of the answer, His ways are better than mine.

I don't think I could be experiencing the intensity of relationship I have now with Christ, had the doctor told me, back in 2013, that I was clean and that there were no malignant lesions.  I would just had gone back to my old ways...my growth had been stagnant...my relationships with my beloved had stayed superficial.  

He loves us anyway.  And so should we.  Let us Trust and Believe that His timing and paths are the perfect ones...not ours.  I still have a long way to go.  I just pray that for as long as God gives me life, I can focus on seeking Him first and continue figuring out His designs for my life.  We have ALL been healed for a purpose.  I pray He shows it to us in a clear way, and that we have the courage to pursuit it!

Trust Stone

This past Sunday, Dylan got a beautiful stone with the word "Trust" engraved on it.  He got it at Children at Worship service.  I saw the stone and I wanted it!!!  We got into a... "discussion" about it, and came to an agreement:  the stone would sit in our kitchen, right above the sink for all of us to see at all times.  

I love that little stone.  It has brought me great comfort.  In these days of uncertainty, when fear creeps up in my heart, threatening to destroy me, deceiving me, creating a most unbearable battle in my mind...this little stone sits as a reminder to bring me back to the Solid Rock of my Salvation!  

Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. 

Psalm 62: 6

I fill my heart with thanksgiving and praise so fear may have no place.  I thank my Loving, Heavenly Father for being my Provider and for pointing me to the truth that He is into the smallest of details.  He knew I needed a solid reminder that He is on the Throne now and forever more.  And I thank Him for it

I will continue to look at that little trust stone as a way to redirect my thoughts.  As a reminder that I want to build my house upon the Rock so it would not be washed away by the current, the winds or the storm.  Keep us under Your Wings, Our Dear Lord!

I Almost Cried

Movies are one of the main source of entertainment for our family.  We are constantly watching films on TV and the boys and I often go to the theaters to watch new releases.  Dan sometimes joins us, but he is pretty selective.  Most of the time is just the kids and I.  The funny thing is that if there is anything, like even a little bit of emotional stuff in the movie we are watching, Dylan and I usually get caught up in it and we can't help it... we are criers... Grant, on the other hand...man, is that kid tough? or what?  I don't remember when was the last time I saw anything resembling tears on that boy's face. 

Anyhoo... he always makes fun of Dylan and I for being such softies at the movies.  It is not even funny anymore.

Well, last night, the four of us went to see the movie I Can Only Imagine ...WOW!  What a film... Powerful to say the least.  And of course...a tear-jerker of the best kind.  The movie ended, and as the credits began to roll on the screen, this brief exchange took place:

Dylan: "I cried like 9 times."  (9 is a number Dylan uses when he means A LOT!)
Me:     "Man...that was awful!  Me too..." 
Dylan: "I thought I was going to burst!"
Me:     "I didn't know what to do with myself!"

We found our composure and walked out to the lobby where we saw several familiar faces from church.  I thought I could talk about some particular details about the movie, so I began to mention that one of my favorite parts was the drawing of the...NO SPOILER, because that's about all I could say before I sensed my face begin to discombobulate and felt hot tears forming in my eyes...so I just stopped mid sentence, which my interlocutor was grateful for because she was beginning to tear up too.

We said our goodbyes and as we walked out of the theater, Dylan and I started talking about how sad we were again, at which Grant said:  "I almost cried."

WHOA, WHAT?

I hadn't even thought about asking him about it since it never occurred to me to mention it...so the words took me by surprise.  Then, I knew that movie was powerful.

I don't want to spoil it for those who haven't seen it.  I just want to say that I endorse it :)  Not that my endorsement means anything, but if you are looking for a movie that has the ability to deeply touch your emotions...this is one.  It's real, and perhaps, it could be too real.  I heard today that Bart Millard, the lead singer of the group Mercy Me on whose life the movie is based, had to go to therapy before they could produce the movie for it deals with such profoundly intimate issues that if left unresolved, they can really mess up one's life.

I think people are going to be talking about this movie for a long time.  The lessons we can glean from it are countless.  And most of all, the proof of the love and might of our Great Lord is evident on the screen in a way that could be perceived by even those not in the faith.

I pray it is a huge hit and that moviegoers all over the world benefit from it.  If you have a chance, go see it...but, remember, bring a box of kleenex...because I bet, that at least, you may "almost cry"!

Flowing Peace

This year, I decided that my guiding word was going to be peace... So far, the New Years resolution had been working fine... up until now...

As my hour of test approaches, I feel myself falling deeper and deeper into worry-induced anxiety about the results of my upcoming medical tests.  I have tried to keep busy, but it just happens:  thoughts of "what if" scenarios begin to pop into my mind and I begin to have cold sweats and shivers all over my body. 

Then, I knew it was time for reinforcements.  I've said it before, if I don't talk about it, I burst.  It is worst for me to keep my anguish secret, so I write about it...that's the most effective way for me to express it.  So, over the last couple of days, I texted, posted it, e-mailed it,  blogged it... and in response, I have felt the peace of Christ flowing, pouring down on me in the words, thoughts and prayers that my sisters in Christ have showered me with.

The Lord speaks peace to me through the people He puts along my path, and for that I am most grateful.

He speaks to me through their words and through the words I find from other sources as well.  Of course, He speaks to me through His Word.  I grabbed my Bible yesterday and began my journey through the Psalms again.  It is amazing how soothing reading the psalms could be.    Along with the words of encouragement from my loved ones as well as His Word, I also read the following in my daily devotional this morning:

"Don't take yourself so seriously.  Lighten up and laugh with Me.  You have Me on your side, so what are you worried about?  I can equip you to do absolutely anything, as long as it is My will.  The more difficult your day, the more I yearn to help you.  Anxiety wraps you up in yourself, trapping you in your own thoughts.  When you look to Me and whisper My Name, you break free and receive My help.  Focus on Me, and you will find Peace in My Presence." (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

I had to share this.  It is just too perfect. 

It is funny too, because I have heard Dan telling me exactly that:  "Don't take yourself so seriously.  Lighten up and laugh a little," millions of times for the last ...  I don't even know how many years.  He began telling me that since we were dating, almost 27 years ago...and he is still saying it...because I have yet to learn to do it.  And here it is, God, Himself telling me...so Dan must be onto something here...

How many time I choose the frown over the smile?
How many times I choose the grunts over the chuckles?
How many times I choose the sadness over the joy?
How many times I choose the fright over the hope?

Perhaps, the secret is, indeed, to not take myself so seriously.  It is only life.  We all have to go through it, and nobody comes out of it alive...so...

I pray that the words of my friends, my sisters, my husband, and above all, My Lord would finally penetrate my soul, piercing my closed up heart, allowing the peace of the person of Jesus Christ to finally invade my core.

Scars

Here I am, a few days from my thyroid check up, waking up scared...again...

I look at myself in the mirror and stare at my neck.  I see my scar...a constant reminder of my reality...I remember a line from that song...what is it?  Who sings it?  I can't remember, but the words linger:  the day will come when "all scars are understood."

I think about it a minute.  Then, I exhale a deep "I trust You, Lord! You have already healed me!" turn the lights out and walk away, sighing...

I believe it.  But sometimes...I become overcome with thoughts...with "what ifs."  The cold blanket of fear covers me, and I shiver.  The words, "Come to Me" sound very distant...a mere whisper from the depths of darkness in my troubled mind. 

Sigh...

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 

For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.  Matthew 7: 7-8

Please, guide me so I learn how to ask for your will to be done and have peace in obedience and acceptance.  Give me clarity on the path to seeking You and You alone, so I can walk securely, knowing that You go before me.  Give me the strength to knock at Your door, even when I am weak and feel ashamed. And please, open it wide and usher me inside!  Drag me in, if I resist.  Keep me near You and cover me under Your wings for once again I'm trembling.  The lies of fear threaten to make me crumble.  The enemy is waiting for me to fall so he can devour me.  Open Your door to me, Lord, as the cleft on the Rock, and keep me hidden there until the eye of the storm has dissipated and the sun shines again.

Praise You, Lord, for You Are The Healer, Jehovah Rapha. The Lord that Heals.  I trust You!  Come to my rescue in my anguish. Restore me.  Amen!  

Let's Talk About It

Today, as I was running errands, on a whim, I switched from my Christian music station to one of the other Christian stations that broadcast shows.  At the one I landed, I heard Pastor Rick Warren wrapping up his Daily Hope program.  I've never really listened to him much, but he was saying some powerful stuff about breaking free, especially from abuse, but from anything that snares us, really.

The phrase that became tattooed into my brain was this: 

"Revealing your feelings is the beginning of healing."

I keep thinking about this statement.  We are not supposed to allow our emotions to get out of control, aren't we? Dylan always teases me saying that I have too many feelings.  And as we know, feelings could be deceiving.  So, I better practice some disciplines that help me keep them all in good check, right?  But, is that the same as keeping them secret?  Is remaining in control and not allowing emotions to take over my mind and actions the same as keeping them bottled up?

According to Pastor Rick Warren, absolutely not!

The fear and anxiety that the issues we are dealing with bring to our souls need to be expressed so they can begin to dissipate.  The thing is that often, we are too ashamed of the way we feel to be open about it, and talk about it even with trusted friends and counselors.  As a matter of fact, there is a statistic that says that Christians are twice less likely to go to counseling than non-christians.  I believe such a statistic is scary.  Why aren't Christians seeking much needed professional counseling?  I guess the reasons could be varied and truly complex; but I think that often, as Christians, we refuse/reject the idea of professional counseling due to shame.  We feel guilty that we cannot handle our issues on our own...after all, aren't we supposed to have faith that we can do all things in Christ?  Then, we don't need anybody else...if we do...doesn't that mean that our relationship with Jesus is faulty?  Isn't that an indication of lack of faith?

All I know is that in my personal case, even though I might be a bit embarrassed by the way I feel sometimes, if I don't talk about it, I burst!

Of course, praying and talking to Jesus about the commotion I carry inside is my life-line!  However,  I believe He has surrounded me with a great "cloud of witnesses" who walk with me along this valley of tears and shadows so we can offer support to one-another.  He has provided this help.  Why won't we employ it?  Why reject it?  I believe, finding a trusted friend or someone who is willing to listen to the venting/ranting/expressing of my feelings is truly important for my sanity.  For me, writing about it in this outlet is another way the Lord in His Mercy has made available to me.  But so are the many Christian counselors out there who are trained in how to help us when we are at our wit's end.  I don't think it shows weakness to seek help.  I believe it shows the discernment and the strength both proceeding from the Holy Spirit in our midst.

I believe that keeping our feelings of fear, anxiety, pain, guilt, shame, weakness, etc. inside, may ultimately cause those feelings to overpower and control us.  I think not talking about them aloud is a way in which they keep us shackled and enslaved.  I truly agree with Pastor Rick Warren when he says that the revealing of our feelings is the beginning of healing, indeed!  I trust that Our Loving Father in Heaven has made provisions for His children to help each other as we carry our burdens in our daily walk.  After all, He commanded us to sharpen one another, and to... 

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12: 10

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6: 2

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 

 Philippians 2: 4

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7: 12

There is no shame in seeking help.  Would we think it's shameful for a cancer patient to go for treatment?  Why then, would we perceive reaching out when the issue has to do with our mind and emotions as a less than dignified action?

It is hard, because it involves the things that we keep hidden in our heart.  But it is necessary to open the gates not only to release all those toxic feelings, but to allow the healing waters of Christ to penetrate and cleanse us from the inside out.

May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19: 14