His Love IS a Gift!

Dylan:  "I don't like online school!!!"
Me:       "I know...a lot of people don't like it.  It's OK not to like it...but...we still have to do the best we can and try to learn as much as possible and get the best grades we can." 
Dylan:   "This is not fair..."
Me:        long pause.... "I know.  Just take a break.  Then, go watch the video lesson again, as many times as you need to, take notes like we told you to, and try the quiz again.  Give it your best effort.  Don't give up. And, really, really pay attention to the video lessons.  They contain the key to solving the problems!"

This little chat has become routine between Dylan and me during the last few weeks of the new "distance-education" reality.  The subject of concern:  Math, of course.  I am completely useless there.  Dan tries, but he feels as if he has to take a seminar first to learn how to do it himself, before he could try to begin to approach a semblance of an explanation to present to Dylan.  It is frustrating for everyone, and performance anxiety is very high:  Dylan feels like an idiot, Dan is stressed out because he doesn't have enough time to dedicate to helping Dylan with all the mountains of work he has, and I feel even more inadequate as a Mother than I usually do.

Sigh...

I want Dylan to do his best in school, but, at the same time, I don't want him to feel as if our love and acceptance is based on his performance.  I want to push him to do well, but I don't want him to feel that if he doesn't do well, I'm going to be disappointed.  It is a balancing act, and I'm not sure I'm doing very well with it. I can see it in Dylan's eyes.  He fears my rejection if he doesn't do well on the graded tasks...sigh...He doesn't understand that my love does not depend on his performance!  I have told him, and tried to demonstrate it forever, but it seems that he just doesn't listen to me or truly believe my words.

The whole thing reminds me of myself and my relationship with The Lord.  I am Dylan in that scenario.  I am the one who doesn't believe ... who doesn't have a firm grasp of,

how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 

I still don't understand or know this love that surpasses knowledge.

I'm still waiting to be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3: 18-19)

And it is all because I don't listen...because I don't believe His Word. Because I don't pay attention. 

I don't believe it when He says to me:  I have loved you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31: 3

I don't believe that He can "save me in His unfailing love" Psalm 31: 16

I don't believe that I can delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God.For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. Isaiah 61: 10

I have not given thanks to the Lord, for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind. Psalm 107: 8

And it is all because I have yet to fully assimilate the truth that, For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God. Ephesians 2: 8

Like my devotional reading for today says:  "Bring your performance anxiety to Me, and receive in its place My unfailing love.  Try to stay conscious of My loving Presence with you in all that you do, and I will direct your steps." (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

It is time I make His Word mine, and believe that He is who He says that He is...and He is Love!  And yes, I don't deserve His love...but that is not the point, because He loves me anyway.  It is His gift to me and to you...and our job is just to accept it with open hearts, as we allow Him to direct our paths.

Bright-eye, smiling Dylan comes down the steps into the kitchen where I was getting ready to fix supper.  "I watched the video lessons again, paid attention, took the quiz and I did way better!"  I gave him a hug and a high five, and watched him walk away feeling satisfied.  

I pray I can continue to read the lessons God is trying to teach me in His Distance Education Academy for which He had given me the textbook long ago.  I hope I finally begin to pay really, really close attention now to the lessons in His Word, for that's where the key is.  That way, when the tests come, I know that no matter what my performance is, He won't stop loving me and sustaining me, because that's not what it is about.