November is an interesting month for me. There are things about November that I love and there are things that make me extremely melancholic. My favorite thing about November is Thanksgiving. I also love, LOVE, the fact that November marks the end of the semester, and in semesters like this one, I am so ready to be done...it's no joke. November is full of memories too...and it is in this department where the melancholic feeling arises.
November is Panama's Independence Month. My country of birth celebrates two Independences, one from Spain, November 28th, 1821 and the other one from Colombia, November 3rd, 1903. There's also flag day and many other anniversaries of events leading to either of the Independences that happened in November. So, needless to say, memories of parades, family gatherings, time off from school and celebrations abound. My Dad's birthday was on November 3rd. My brother's birthday is also in November, so the month brought in important family festivities as well. But, November is also the month I left Panama and all I ever knew to be mine...behind...
I left Panama for good on November 5th 1995.
My Dad died on November 12th, 2012...leaving a huge hole in my heart.
I haven't spoken to my brother in many years...and when his birthday comes around on November 11th, my heart shrinks.
Life has turned out to be very different from what I imagined it would be back when I was a young woman all those Novembers ago in Panama. It's been a good life...just different. I've gained much in this life, but I've also lost much. One thing is for sure, I've learned a lot. And one of those lessons the Lord has been teaching me along the way is to learn how to accept the gift of letting go.
It is not a gift easily welcomed and it is definitely an acquired taste. It is not one of those presents you are excited to open and receive joyfully. Letting go often involves pain and tears because it is always about loss. Be it the loss of a loved one, or of a relationship, or of a way of living, or of a dream...there is grieving in letting go because it is about losing someone or something dear to us. We question it...we resist it...we reject it...we try to avoid it...but in the end, we all have had and will have to let go, and the process is hard regardless of what it is.
How is it a gift, then?
I read today something in my devotional that brought the perspective of letting go as a gift. The reflection said: "I am working My ways in you: the divine Artist creating loveliness within your being. My main work is to clear out debris and clutter, making room for My Spirit to take full possession. Collaborate with Me in this effort by being willing to let go of anything I choose to take away. I know what you need, and I have promised to provide all of that abundantly! Your sense of security must not rest in your possessions or in things going your way. I am training you to depend on Me alone, finding fulfillment in My Presence. This entails being satisfied with much or with little, accepting either as My will for the moment. Instead of grasping and controlling, you are learning to release and receive. Cultivate this receptive stance by trusting Me in every situation." (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)
I know it sounds harsh to think of loved ones or things that are good as "debris and clutter" but sometimes we may fall into idolatry when our focus is on them so much that they distract us from seeking Jesus first and His Kingdom. If He chooses to take someone or something away that we are holding on to too tightly, it is because that's His plan and for some reason, it makes sense. It is often impossible to explain it with our limited understanding. But that's when we see with the eyes of faith and we collaborate in His plan because we trust His plan is perfect and we believe He is Good all the time.
Letting go of my identity has been a very complex journey. But, had I not been brought to the United States, my walk with Jesus would have taken a long and scary detour. Letting go of my Dad has meant that I had to learn how to walk on my own two feet on new ground. Letting go of my dreams of youth has meant I have had a chance to enjoy new dreams. Distance, ironically, has brought me closer to my sister. Distance, I pray, will someday patch up the wounds with my brother and help us be a family again.
I Praise the Lord for opening my eyes to how letting go of what He chooses to take away means I am learning to depend on Him and Him alone. I know it will not get easier. It will still be painful and I will still try to resist it...but I pray that the lesson sticks and that I remember His plan is perfect no matter what.
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