Test Anxiety Revisited

I can't believe February is almost gone... that was my buffer month... now, with it gone, I have to face March head on.

It sounds crazy, I know.  The thing is that I have my thyroid check ups coming up in March; and that all too familiar test anxiety is threatening me again.  I usually start worrying about this in January; but this year I had February as my buffer zone, so when January came, I was able to remind myself that there was still February.  Now...

Sigh...

I have to admit that this year the Holy Spirit has kept my emotions in check.  When anxious thoughts came to my mind, my Faithful Companion and Counselor would replace them with words of trust and peace.  These preliminary anxious thoughts, as I call them, have felt like chapter tests.  At work, I give students chapter tests at the end of each chapter in our textbook.  So far, which each passing month, I have been able to get good/decent scores in those chapter tests. I'm dreading the final exam, though.

Then, I read my devotional this morning and, as a helpful study guide (I give my students comprehensive study guides before every test, and they seem to think they are helpful... : ) my Divine Teacher takes me through a brief review of the issue in preparation for the exam:  "Your gravest danger is worrying about tomorrow.  If you try to carry tomorrow's burdens today, you will stagger under the load and eventually fall flat.  You must discipline yourself to live within the boundaries of today..." (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

Lord, You know my heart...countless times You've seen me fall flat on my face, not in worship, as it should be...but in worry...bowing down to fear and stress.  Today, I pray You will give me what I need in order to travel through these days in peace, trusting You, knowing You are with me always.  I know that worry is born out of unbelief.  Please, Lord, help me get rid of my unbelief.  Lead my path so I can walk by faith and not by sight.  Show me how to keep my focus on You and on today, not on my problems or in the future.  Teach me the lesson in a way my troubled mind can finally learn it and I can ACE the final test:

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  Matthew 6: 33-34

March will be here in a couple of blinks.  The day of my check up is approaching fast.  I trust that this time around, rather than panicking and stressing out, I will seek refuge in His Word and in His Promises, for they are new every morning...

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41: 10

In the Precious Name of Jesus...Amen!

Not Perfect, But Forgiven...

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. 

Galatians 5: 22-26

This was the passage that Pastor Doug preached about yesterday at church.  I have to say, he touched on a few things that bring me back to the concepts I want to focus on during this Lent season. 

First of all, he pointed out that walking with the Spirit is not automatic.  Not because we have become members of the family of God, we are immediately spiritually mature.  The reality of the indwelling of the Holy Spirit in us is not about magically turning into sanctified beings.  We still walk on this earth, and as such, we still have to deal with the other reality at play:  this is a fallen world and sin runs rampart.

We don't become perfect all of a sudden.  Of course, with one look from His eyes, Christ could free us from any stronghold we have.  Of course, Jesus can choose to break the chain of our struggle by only saying the word.  The struggle, however, is often part of the healing...part of growing.  The diamond comes forth after carving out the carbon that covers it.  The pearl is form through the pressure.  The gold is refined by the fire.  The wings of the butterfly are made strong enough to fly after the caterpillar wrestles in the cocoon.  I mean, you name it!  The analogies that exemplify the need for the hardship abound in the natural world!  So, perfection might never come while on this shore.  What's the point, then?

The point is to stick with the process.  We are to allow room for the Holy Spirit to work in us.  We are to get out of the way and let Him be Lord!

Growing in our faith is a life-long-road that is only accomplished by staying on it.  The only way to reach Spiritual maturity is by consistently crucifying our sinful nature as we walk on the road Christ has paved for us with His very own blood.

We are not perfect, but empowered, Pastor Doug said...and I truly loved that idea.  The Holy Spirit in us empowers us to take on that road to sanctification.  And my job is to seek Him first!  My job is to keep my eyes on Him!  My job is to pursue a close relationship with Him by spending time in His presence. 

We are not perfect, but forgiven... I continue to fall... but Praised be the Name of the Lord! He picks me up... He takes me, just as I am...

I come broken to be mended

I come wounded to be healed

I come desperate to be rescued

I come empty to be filled

I come guilty to be pardoned

By the blood of Christ the Lamb

And I'm welcomed with open arms

Praise God, just as I am

Cleaning the Floors

I like having guests over.  I really, REALLY enjoy hospitality fellowship.  I think there is something very special about opening our homes to others.  It opens the path to a deeper communion and friendship.  I wish I could entertain all the time!  I also like it because, nothing cleans the house better than the idea of having people visiting.

Am I right? or Am I right?

My house has been a horrendous mess during the first two months of the year.  The floor has been particularly unbearable.  Those pesky little black ice-melting pebble-like particles get everywhere... EVERYWHERE!!!!  I hate it!!!!  And my kids just don't get it..."take your shoes off by the door and leave them on the rug!" I say every day.  But, they don't care.  Apparently boys don't have any nerve endings on the bottom of their feet so they don't feel the darn miniature rocks piercing through their skin.  AH, but I believe, yesterday, I found the secret of keeping a clean floor: making them clean it!

Yes, yesterday we had the blessing of having guests over...so, obviously, panic struck me.  There was no way I could clean the house by myself, so I delegated.  Dylan got the floors.  It was a joy to see him struggle! (is that wrong of me to say?) He was so annoyed! Ha, ha!!! I can't write this without laughing!  I should have recorded it.  He got so irritated every time the dog or Grant would walk by, I had to tell him to chill!  He was actually doing feet inspections afterwards to make sure everyone was safe to walk on his clean floors...apparently Grant's feet didn't pass the quality control test because he came over to complain about it. 

I can't express how delightful it was to witness such an experience.  Today, as I took my first steps on the still clean floors, I was overcome by joy...but I also began to think about how that must be a pale, but perhaps accurate depiction of the joy they experience in the heavenly realms when a child of God finally learns a lesson. 

Down here, we dread it.  However, like I tell my students, "if you are not struggling, you are not learning!"  The best and most enduring lessons are learned through the fiercest of the struggles.  We certainly don't appreciate it while in the middle of the trial.  We fear it and try to avoid it; but the hope of a good lesson well learned is worth the test. 

Our Heavenly Father knows that the secret to helping us "clean" our spiritual houses so we can get rid of the pesky dirt that so easily and quickly threatens to cover us is to let us experience the arduous cleaning process.  He knows we will struggle, and thankfully, since He is full of Mercy, Compassion and Love, unlike me, He doesn't go into His room to secretly laugh at our wrestling.  Instead, He is with us, often doing the sweeping, mopping and vacuuming Himself, while we lie on the ground too spent and too weak to even look up and realize that He is taking onto Himself the hard work that should belong to us. 

Our guests came and we had a wonderful time! I hope :)  We certainly did! And, although we didn't talk about the clean floors or even thought about them...I trust the lesson was learned and that the joy of clean floors is a clear reminder of the beauty that comes from the struggle, not only because that's how we best learn, but because hopefully I finally might have gotten rid of the pesky ice-melting pebbles I hate so much!

The Chain of Peace

I don't know about you, but this season of Lent...this year...the rest of my life, really, I would like to spend it meditating on ways to peace.  My heart and my soul are places of constant commotion and unrest.  I have shared before, worry is my middle name.  Anxiety is my companion.  And, I'm ashamed to declare it, but fear is often my guide.  I know...it's awful...but if I'm honest, I have to admit that I allow fear to set the direction of my steps more than I realize.

And I am tired of it.

I want peace in my heart.  Not the peace that normal test results give me...I want the peace that stays with me forever, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of my condition, regardless of my surroundings.  I want the kind of peace that flows like a river. I want the peace that stays in spite of the tribulations, as Jesus promised (John 16: 33).

The thing I have to remember, though, is that the key to this peace lies entirely on Him... "for He Himself is our peace..."(Ephesians 2: 14). He is the One who has overcome the world.  He is the One who has fulfilled the law.  He is the One, the Only One who gives peace in an enduring manner, not like the world gives.  Without Him, there is no peace.  Peace is a Person!

Peace, therefore, doesn't happen in isolation.  It's part of a process designed by grace and strengthened by love.  And this process revolves around the Person of Jesus. The way I see it, the process begins with knowledge.  Who do you say that I am? (Mark 8: 29)  Do we have an answer to this question?  Do we know who He is?  Do we know who Jesus is in our heart?

To know Him is to Trust Him.  That seems like the next step.  If we don't trust Him, it might have something to do with the fact that we might not know Him well yet.  Faulty trust might signal a weak relationship with Christ.  I say this because this is where I am right now.  My trust shakes with every shift in the wind.  And I believe it is because I am still wrestling with the answer to the question above:  Who is This Man that the winds and the waves obey?  Is He truly my Lord?  Do I spend the necessary time getting to know Him in the Word?  Do I invest my thoughts in getting to know Him better?  Do I value my relationship with Jesus enough to devote my heart to Him?

I know I will never know all that there is to be known about My Lord...but I'm called to sit at His feet...do I do it?  Do I seek Him first? Am I in the habit of choosing Him above all else, or do I choose the world instead?

To know Christ is to Trust Him, for we trust whom we know.  If I truly knew Him, I would know that He who promised is Faithful and that His love for me is real, for His banner over me is Love. (Hebrews 10: 23; Song of Solomon 2: 4) Therefore, I would not have so much trouble surrendering to Him.  I struggle with surrender.  In marriage, I have a hard time adhering my will to the will of my husband.  But I know Dan, and I have no doubts about his good will and his love for me and our family.  I have invested more than half of my life getting to know that man.  Therefore, I trust him and I eventually do surrender to him for I trust his leadership.

But surrendering also implies letting go.  The burdens that we carry are too heavy.  We were not made to drag around such weight.  The tight grip we keep on our issues shows a tendency to desire control.  Letting go means relinquishing all control.  This is a rather scary proposition for those, like me, who crave the power of controlling our destinies. I don't want to let go because I don't know what will happen next if I do...and I don't like the unknown.  But I'm called to be still and know that He is God! (Psalm 46: 10)

That is why our capacity of letting go is fueled by our faith. Most of the times that Jesus rebuked someone, mainly His disciples, was because they were exhibiting little faith.  I believe, He was persistent on His "you of little faith, why are you so afraid?" stance particularly with his disciples precisely because they were His disciples!  They were the humans who knew Him best!  Why did they insist in doubting?  Why did they have such a hard time trusting and surrendering?  I think it is because, like me...or me like them...we still have more road to walk with Him...still have more polishing of our faith to be done...still have more fruits of the Spirit to grow and bloom in our souls...still have more sifting to go through.  Like Peter, I am so quick to talk, but so slow to comprehend.  It usually takes an extra measure of tribulation for me to get the lesson...sigh...

But, not unlike Peter, as I let go in faith I find a path to forgiveness.  Once again, if you are anything like me...I have some hurts in my heart that I have not yet allowed the soothing balm of forgiveness to healed 100%.  Sometimes I feel as if I'm almost there, but then, something happens, and the wound opens up again.  At that time, I see the reality of unforgiveness...I see also that one of those things I have the most trouble forgiving is myself.  I am my harshest judge.  There is nothing anyone could ever blame me for that I hadn't blamed myself for before.  I'm my worst critic and I'm my hardest accuser.  That is why peace seems so elusive...because forgiveness, of others and of ourselves, moves us closer to peace.

The peace I'm seeking involves accepting that Jesus died on the cross to cleanse me...to forgive me.  And if I confess my sins, He is Faithful and Just and Merciful to forgive me and purify me from my unrighteousness (1 John 1: 9)...even me...Therefore, who am I then to hang on to unforgiveness?

However, how do I ever accomplish all these steps???  I'm so flawed and my resolve is so fickle...how in the world could I do this process?  Before I become even more stressed out...I need to pause...and pray...Peace is a Person and His name is Jesus!

Prayer is the first step...coming to His Throne in humility and keeping the communication is how we could ever begin to attempt this quest...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4: 6-7)

These steps seem more like the links of a chain than a lineal process.  As ironic as it may sound, these links shape the chain that frees us!  Together, they form an unbreakable circle of mercy and grace that marks us and sets us apart as the beloved children of the Most High.  These are the links that connect us to Jesus:  prayer, knowledge, trust, surrender, forgiveness and peace... may we not break it, but live within it, meditate in it and dwell in His presence, the overpowering force that forges and sustains our connection...our relationship...our chain of peace.

Restless Soul

We happen to be studying the Patriarchs in Sunday School and of course we are starting with Abraham.  

I have to say that dear, old Abe is a very intriguing person to me.  I absolutely love the passage where God calls him out of Ur.  I love Abraham's resolve to obey God and leave the only place he has ever called home, even when the destination was completely unknown.

There is something terribly romantic about that, in my opinion.  

And the reason I find it romantic, I think, is because I can identify with the idea of leaving home...and everything one has ever known, to go to a place that you haven't even heard of before.

My journey certainly did not impact the history of the world or the salvation of the people of God...but it did involve a change in my personal history and the bursting of my own little bubble.  I didn't pack camels and take the whole family with me.  In two suitcases I carried what I could fit, completely ignorant of how ill-prepared I was for my future, most of all, for the insane Western PA winters.  

Sigh...

It's been almost 30 years, but I still don't know the full extent this experience will finally have in my life or the lives of those whom I have met along my journey.  But one thing I do know... the journey has left me with a restless soul.

This morning, as we talked about the difference of a life "settled" and a life as a nomad, dwelling in tents, I couldn't help but thinking how appealing the wandering life-style sounded to me.   I love the idea of camping.  I often say things like:  "let's sell everything, buy an RV and go travel everywhere!"  My family ignores me, and chalks it up to me being insane.  

Sigh...

The truth is...I am not joking!

I don't know what it is, but I get restless when I am in the same place too long.  I don't like the idea of "settling."  I'm afraid of settling because I'm afraid of losing...probably not so much of losing my freedom...but, of losing the place where I settle.  I'm afraid I will fall in love with the place so much, that one day I would not want to leave it, but someone of something will come in and take it away from me...like it already happened when I left my childhood home in Panama...and now is out of my reach forever.

I loved my parents' house.  I loved everything about it.  I loved my bed.  I loved the way the wind moved the curtains in my room on a breezy day.  I loved the cool, old-fashion tile on the floor.  I loved staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out shapes on the different shades of the wood.  I loved the little patio off the kitchen where I spent endless hours, days, weeks, months and years hanging out with Rosa while she sat at her sewing machine, cooked, washed clothes, or just spent time talking to me about nothing important in-between chores.  I loved the yard full of fruit trees.  I even loved the ugly pepto bismol shade of pink in my bathroom... it just added to the overall vintage-feel of the entire house... it added to the love I felt every day I was there.

I never imagined, in my wildest dreams...that one day, that would not be my home anymore.  I never expected that the grand gate that so many nights I shut and locked myself, would be shut and locked in front of my face, while standing on the other side of the fence...but that is the way things are today, and it is very hard to bear.

It's no wonder that a tent might sound suitable.  After all, you can pack it up and take it with you everywhere you go... I can drive my house around if I live in an RV.  I can go to the beach and to the mountains, and my house will follow me!  How convenient!

But that's not what I'm supposed to do.  Deep down, I know it, and I accept it...but it scares me.

God called me out of my Ur many years ago, and even though I didn't know where I was going, it ended up being my own personal land of milk and honey... so, if I am supposed to learn something out of this whole thing, I pray it may be that no matter what, God loves me, and regardless of where He calls me to, He will go before me, and He will take care of all my needs...here, there and everywhere.

May He give me rest and peace to trust in Him. 

That Could've Been Me

Dylan has always been very aware of the fact that he was born in Guatemala, but I think it is only very recently that he has began to realize that his life would have been very different, had he stayed in his country of birth.

Today, for example, was a day in which, even if for a fleeting moment, he became in touch with that reality.  At church, we had the privilege of listening to the testimony and stories of the mission team that just returned from a trip to Haiti last Sunday evening.  Eight members of our church, including our Pastor, spent a week in Haiti with Autumn, our beloved home-growon, full-time missionary who lives there, tending to the needs of the truly "least of these..." I cannot even begin to explain all the work that Autumn does in Haiti...that will be the topic of a book, as far as I'm concerned...maybe someday the Lord will open the door for that book to be written...but today, I just wanted to talk about the impact that her work has in us, here at home.

the thing is that the pictures and the stories of the mission team were so vivid and descriptive that Dylan could not ignore them. "Are the roads there worse than in Panama?"  He asked me when one of the team members was explaining the complete lack of infrastructure in the country.  "Panama is rich, compared to Haiti, Dylan," I replied.

Usually, my young son allows his mind to wander aimlessly while at church...but not today.  I know that there was lots that he couldn't understand...but he did grasp the core of the story:  people in Haiti are hurting.  The children's faces on the pictures were enough for Dylan to see the dire circumstances that surround those young faces, and the talk of insanitary towns, garbage, extreme poverty and neglect were all too real, and hard to ignore even for Dylan.

"That could have been me, if I had stayed in Guatemala..." He said to me quietly, turning his little face away from the pictures that had captured his total attention.  "Well, maybe not that bad, right mama?" 

At that moment, I realized the truth:  That could have been any of us, had the Lord not planned for us to be here in America.

I cannot describe the feelings I experienced listening to the mission team's stories.  It was a combination of anger, frustration, sadness, confusion, compassion, pain and love.  But one thing is for certain, I am very glad that they went and very thankful that they took their time to tell us about their trip and what they saw.  I'm glad for Dylan, but I'm also glad for me, because it opened my eyes to a world, not too far away from here, where human dignity is denied, where basic human needs are left unmet, where the dump is everywhere, where the only way to appreciate the beauty of nature is by looking up, but at the same time, a place where God is moving in mysterious and powerful ways.

"Yes, Dylan...there are few places where things are worse than Haiti in the entire world..." I managed to say to my boy...while I wrestled in my mind with the impotence and futility of my own life on the one side, and on the other side, with the sense of gratitude to God's plan for placing me here and not there...

That could have very easily been me as well...

Now, the fact that it is not my face on any of the pictures depicting residents of Haiti carries a mission in itself...but, what?  What is my role, now that I'm aware?

I don't know.  But I pray that the same way God decided not to place me in Haiti, He decides to use my life and my resources, and my blessings to bless the less fortunate wherever they may be.  I pray He takes me where my feet have never wandered and where my arms have never reached out to in order to do my part in helping bring His Light forth so that the current night may become like the noonday.

Of Kids, Dogs and Trust...

Having kids...and a dog...any dependents, really, have taught me A LOT about trust.  Think about feeding time.  You give them food, they eat it!  I mean, yeah, I know...some are pickier than others, so in my house, if I give Grant or Link green beans, they won't eat them...Dylan would eat it all by himself, but not the other two.  However, let's be honest here: generally, you give boys or a dog food, and they will eat it!  Am I right?  At least that's how it goes in my house...

The thing is that, putting the picky tastes aside, when I give my sons and my dog, and my husband too, actually, food they like, they eat it!  They don't question it.  They don't wonder if I had poisoned it.  They don't wonder if I put something weird in it that will make them pass out or lose their wits.  Even when the food I'm giving them might make their stomachs unsettled or give them a sugar rush...when they sit down to eat it, they don't question my motives.  We give Link a pill once a month, and we hide it in a piece of hot dog (BEST PILL POCKET EVAH!!!!) or in a piece of chicken...his personal favorite among all the meats...and he takes it... I mean, really, it could be a cyanide pill in there...he takes it!  He doesn't stop to ponder our intentions for giving him the darn thing...my dog takes the pill...my kids eat the food ...

I don't think it has ever occurred to my sons to have the slightest or most remote thought that I could possibly mean them any harm when feeding them...even if my food is not that great!  Link, our dog...even less...he doesn't have many thoughts, actually, and among the very few he might have, I am certain thinking I'm poisoning him is not one of them.  If I could just feed him all day long, he'd be the happiest dog alive!

They don't think about the possibilities of any hidden motives in my scary head because of one thing:  they trust me.

They don't question my intentions, because they trust me.

They are not afraid to take the food, except when it just looks or smells scary... just kidding... because they trust me.

They even take the pill, or the cough syrup, or the losegen that they don't particularly want to take, because I'm the one giving it to them and THEY. TRUST. ME.

And the reason they trust me is because they trust I love them...and because I love them, I would never do anything to harm them! And they know that!  Of course, I'm not perfect, but I will do anything within my power and mind to never do anything to intentionally cause them pain or hurt...I know my actions often do end up harming them, but it is not intentionally done...it is the result of me being a sinner.  All I want for my sons, my loved ones, my dog is good and beautiful things! And I will do whatever I can to give them those as much as possible! And they know that.  They know my love, although imperfect, is extravagant!!!

Then...why do I have such trouble trusting God?

"Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7: 9-12

Why can't I learn from the trust my sons and my dog exhibit for me?  How come, if I am such a horrible sinner and even worst mother, my kids and my pet are able to still trust me, but I can't bring myself to fully and completely surrender my all to God once and for all...and just trust!?

Sigh...

Perhaps, it is because I trust myself too much.  I have an inflated image of me and my abilities.  I have a distorted vision of my powers.  My eyesight has been blurred by my pride.

Holy Spirit, this Lent, please teach me to see...to truly see how You love me and how I am nothing without You.  Please, teach me to abandon myself in You as I know You and trust You even in my darkest and scariest hour.  Even as I become cold with the chill of anxiety, allow me to remember that You are my Good, Good, Father and that no matter what...You are with me, taking care of me each step of the way.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Prov. 3:5&6

A Song for Ash Wednesday

Well, it is not often that we have two holidays falling on the same day.  But today is one of those occasions.  We have the sacred holiday of Ash Wednesday alongside the secular holiday of Valentine's day.

Ash Wednesday, a day of repentance...a day to remember that dust we are and to dust we shall return (Genesis 3: 19).

Valentine's day: a day to celebrate...love?

I'm not really sure what we celebrate on Valentine's day.  We do nothing here at home.  I like the Panamanian version, where we celebrate love and friendship, emphasis on friendship.  It takes the sting ... the pressure off the day.  I'm not in love with this holiday.  It just seems fake and forced to me.  It feels more like an obligation than a celebration...

I don't know...but today, when both of them fell on the same day... there was something different... something actually special about it.  It felt as if Valentine's Day finally made sense!

I feel like celebrating love today!  The kind of love that is worth having its own holiday.  The kind of love that brings salvation.  The kind of love that brings forgiveness.  The kind of love that makes beauty out of ashes.  The kind of love that Jesus expressed when He stretched His arms on the cross for us.

It is because of His perfect love that we can repent and be forgiven.  It is because of His unique kind of love that we can be the bride awaiting for her Bridegroom.  It is because of His amazing love that we are:  a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys, a lily among thorns... (Songs of Songs 2: 1-2).  It is because of His faithful love that we are His masterpiece...His poem...His song.

I'm glad we had these two holidays in one this year.  I can finally say: Happy Valentine's Day without being sarcastic...for the kind of love we celebrate today paid it all, cancelling our debt, so we can have life, and have it in abundance!

May the ashes remind us of the humility we need to receive the Love that brings us out of the dark and into His Light!

Lint in my Pockets

A couple of days ago, I was ready to yell at Dylan for something...I can't remember what...when he said to me: "Remember the lint!  Lint is coming!"

Right away, I heard Dan and Grant laughing in the background.  I still didn't get it.  Then, Dan said to Dylan:  "LENT!"

That's when I lost it, and bursted out laughing as well...totally forgetting what I was mad about.  Dylan certainly has a way with words.

The thing is that the Lint/Lent incident completely accomplished its purpose.  Up until that moment I had not thought about Lent at all.  That moment, however, certainly convicted me and helped me refocus.  It helped me remember not only that Lent is coming, but that there is much lint I need to take care of around here, especially in my pockets. 

I always dread digging in the boys' pockets...yuk...nobody knows what's in there...but inevitably, there is always a mass of stringy, creepy lint.  I dread that moment when I know that what I'm looking for is in either Grant's or Dylan's coat pockets...and they are not around to get it themselves...so it's my hand the one that has to venture inside the jacket that was left behind on a chair or the floor by a boy whose concerns do not include taking care of emptying their coat pockets.  I have nightmares about my fingers touching some fuzz-covered-half-eaten-long-forgotten lollipop stock to the piece of paper I need...

Anyway...but, what about my own pockets!?  They are full of junk too!  And so is my purse, and my kitchen, and my desk, and my office, and my closet!  I carry around so much unnecessary stuff I don't even know how I can move!?  It's no wonder I have constant back ache!

It is time to quit complaining about how the boys don't take care of their mess and start taking care of my own first.  Like the plank, Jesus talks about, remember?

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? you hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.  

Matthew 7: 3-5

I am so given to be the one noticing the specks on my brother's eye...literally...that I forget I'm carrying a whole plank in mine that doesn't even let me see clearly.  I don't really know how in the world I can see anything beyond my nose, to tell you the truth...that's why Jesus has such convicting words for those whom like me...are just plain hypocrites...

Praise the Lord for His Word and for Lent, a period of time that could be used for reflection and removal.  Reflection on the way we live our lives so we can perform the effective removal of what needs to go.

I want to start by getting rid of the lint and the junk in my pockets...my own pockets.  Perhaps my actions could be a good example for my boys so they can finally begin to clear out their mess as well so there will be no more "lint coming," only Lent.

CALM

As far as Mondays go...today has been deeply melancholic one.  Back in Panama, people are in a 4-day party frenzi called "Carnavales," which ends tomorrow on what we call around here "Fat Tuesday."  My hometown happens to be one of those places in Panama where "Carnaval" is really big and crazy.  It didn't use to be like that when I was a child, though...it wasn't as wild and licentious as it is today.  Children used to be able to be part of it without much concern of them being exposed to inappropriate experiences.

So, my sister posted a picture of how things used to be when we were kids and that picture, inevitably, took us back to reminiscing about our dear Father.  And, to tell you the truth, I don't know if there will ever be a day when I don't get sad thinking about him.  The pain of not having him still stings deeply.  We were remembering how he used to have an old truck with blue, wood bed rails on the back.  So, for carnavales, he would get an old 55-gallon steel drum/barrel, fill it up with water and ice, pack all the cousins and go around town so the cousins could throw water at people (that used to be the main attraction of carnavales in Panama, which was delightful since this time of the year is really hot and dry down there.)

My Dad was never a party-guy, but he did enjoy doing this for the kids.  The memories are priceless... but they are also bittersweet...for they are only memories anymore.

Our parents are now long gone.  My sister and I are middle-age women, and we are miles apart...hence, the melancholic feeling of today.  To top this up, she just told me that our dear Aunt, one of my Mother's last remaining siblings is terribly ill and will need surgery soon.  The thought of losing her terrifies me because she represents the last tie to my Mother on this earth...once my aunt is gone...it will be as if my Mom is forever gone too...

All these also brings up to the front of my mind the fact that my thyroid check-ups are coming up in a few weeks...man...I just can't keep it together today...

Sigh...

So I dug out my church bulletin from yesterday, where I had taken some notes, and there it was:  "Jesus, please, calm the lingering effects of the storm."  I wrote down this prayer as I listened to the inspired words of our speaker, Lee Harris who once again offered his words to the congregation as our Pastor was still on a mission trip to Haiti. 

Lee talked to us about storms...and that was truly providencial.  His words come back to me, as today I feel, if not right in the middle of one, for sure, in its aftermath.  And the lingering effects are causing me to lose my balance.  My sea-legs are faltering.  But as I navigate the choppy waters, I remember to lift up my head...and what I see is the word CALM on the big screen of our Sanctuary.  Lee wrapped up his sermon that way...and I have it in my brain today as a clear reminder that there is no need to give in to fear and sadness.  The Holy Spirit of the One Whom the winds and the waves obey is in me.  The One Who is Lord over the storm lives in me... whom, then, shall I fear?

The direct and piercing questions of Jesus, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" (Mark 4: 40) echoe in my mind...

Please, Lord Jesus, increase my faith so the storm may not destroy me... drive the fear away and help me to trust You and be calmed.

As far as Mondays go...today is a melancholic one...but Praise the Lord for yesterday was Sunday and I have something to remind me I am not alone in the storm...

Could Affliction Be a Gift?

Have you ever wished for a gift?  Like, do you remember really wishing you'd get this one thing either for your birthday or Christmas or whatever special occasion was at hand? Or even, just because?

I don't really remember wishing for anything in particular, meaning, not a particular "thing."  But I do remember wishing to get, say, time off from cooking as a present.  I would also wish to get something like a date with my husband so we could go out and see a movie at the theater and then have dinner at a nice restaurant.  Those are my favorite gifts to get.  Of course, I would not reject a pair of gold earrings, a diamond ring, enough money for a shopping spree or even a nice bouquet of yellow roses.  But my favorite gifts are not really material.

However, I want my gift, whatever it is, to be something nice!  Whatever it is, I wish for the present to be pleasant.  A gift is supposed to make you feel special in a positive way.

I do not want a gift that is going to cause me grief, pain, hardship, hurt, problems or anything like that.  So, why in the world should I rejoice in my time of trouble?  Why should I consider trials a good thing?  Why should I feel blessed when things are going all wrong?  Why should I feel special when all the doors seem to close right in front of my nose?

Why would I think of affliction as a gift?

I think it is a matter of Christian growth and faith strengthening.  I believe if our lives were always perfect and untouched by challenges, there would be very little room for God.  I speak for myself here.  If I had a perfectly put-together life without any kind of problems, there would not be any space for anything else, let alone God, in my heart, because my inflated ego and my misplaced sense of accomplishment would fill it completely.  My pride would be so irritating to my eyesight, that I would be blinded to the fact that I need Christ in my life.

I trust that God knows what He is doing.  And if He has determined that affliction is necessary, I believe it.  It is necessary because it keeps us close to Him.  It is necessary because it declutters our soul.  It is necessary because it prunes our heart.  It is necessary because it shows us we cannot do this life alone.  It is necessary because that's the only way to develop an intimacy with God that otherwise would not come to be:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1: 2-4

God's designed of the crown jewel of His creation, mankind, included us being the clay model of His image.  This way, the divine in us has to break through the clay in order for this esence to be visible and shine brighter than the sun.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. 

2 Corinthians 4: 7-12

These jars of clay we are, reveal the power of Christ in us.  The ordinary material gives way to the extraordinary work of God.  It is because we are simple jars of clay that the world can see it is Christ in us what makes us good... it is not about the clay... it is all about the One Who lives inside the jar of clay.

I'm probably not making any sense now, but I need to meditate on this truth, the truth that affliction is a gift... a good and perfect gift from God.  I have to believe it.  I have to cling to this as a truth from Christ.  I have to trust that: in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8: 28) I have to have faith in the One Who Made this jar of clay...that He pours Himself into it, causing it to break...and that even though the break is painful and almost unbearable, it is necessary so He can be made known... so His Light may shine brightly through the cracks.  

I still won't be asking or wishing for a basket full of affliction for my next special occasion.  But once the affliction is left by my door...I pray I can consider it a great joy, for it is His special gift... a gift that tells me He wants me to be closer to Him... a gift that tells me He loves me... a gift that tells me I am His.

Is Happiness Selfish?

I'm back reading the book You're Going to Be Okay by Holley Gerth and I'm at the chapter where it talks about how the idea of happiness as selfish is nothing more than a myth. 

I have to admit that when I read the heading, I was suspicious.  I've always been of the mind, even if subconsciously that happiness IS rather selfish... I mean, not happiness in itself, but rather, the relentless pursuit of happiness at any cost.  Often, I feel embarrassed to express too much happiness.  It feels...wrong...to be happy when the world and so many people around me are suffering.

For instance, yesterday is a good example to illustrate my way of thinking.  The university closed due to bad weather...and I WAS THRILLED!!!!  Wednesdays happen to be my absolute-worst-day of the week this semester, so having the rather unlikely event of an announcement stating that the university is closed and this rare event falling on a Wednesday was just too much for me to bear, so I exploded in an exuberant expression of delight.  I literally jumped up and down, clapping my hands, smiling ear to ear, yelling WOOHOO around the house in my pajamas.  Then, I stopped, and said:  I have to make this day count and be as productive as I can!! So I grabbed a piece of paper and made a list of all the things I needed to accomplished in the precious time that had been give to me.  By the end of the day, I was just as spent as I would've been, had I had a full day of class...

My happiness was very short-lived.  I didn't allow myself to let it last.  It felt wrong.  It needed a purpose to make it appropriate. 

Sigh...

The author of the book tells us that by believing that we are not supposed to be happy, and instead believing that we need to just be busy and serve and work ourselves to death, we are actually sabotaging our ability to serve well and to love others the way God wants us to love them.

That was intriguing...

She talks about how Jesus did endure the cross and gave it all for us, but it was not so He could be depressed forever.  He did it for the joy set before Him! (Hebrews 12: 2) 

"Jesus could see the joy on the other side, and it enabled Him to push through and do what needed to be done.  The idea that we are to endlessly suffer as a way to be selfless simply doesn't line up with biblical truth." (119)

This made me think of Jesus' Words when He tells us about the most important-all-encompassing commandments:

"This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: "Love your neighbor as yourself."All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commandments.” 

Matthew 22: 38-40

Love your neighbor as yourself...

How am I to love my neighbor as myself if I have so very little love for myself?  What kind of love is going to be my example as to how to love others if the love that is supposed to guide me in this quest is so weak that I can't even allow myself to delight in happiness?  How am I supposed to serve others so they can get closer to happiness if I don't even allow myself to be happy?

Of course the superficiality of the term happiness taints the word with bad connotations.  But a sense of happiness is a part of the human experience which God enabled us with for His glory and our delight!  It is a gift.  How rude it would be of us to treat it with disdain, and disregard such a precious endowment.

Next time we feel happy, let us praise Him for the moment and treasure it in a way that allows us to restore us so we can continue to go into the world and spread it everywhere we serve.

Reckless?

I heard a Christian song a couple of weeks ago that touched me deeply...however, there is one aspect...one word in the lyrics that cause me to hesitate in my enjoyment of it.  The word is: reckless...

The song uses the adjective "reckless" as one way to define God's love.  I don't think I like that since the connotations of the word are pretty negative.  Synonyms such as: rash, careless, thoughtless, irresponsible, ill-advised, imprudent, unwise, temerarious, kamikaze are not ideas we see as part of Our Great God's attributes in the Bible.  Quite the contrary.  When the Bible talks to us about God's love for us, it uses words that are overwhelmingly positive.  The word "Great" is one of the most commonly associated with His love.  Rich, Mighty, Powerful...not reckless.

Love is one of the most complex definitions of God (1 John 4: 8).

From our human perspective, however, defining what love is and describing what kind of love God has for us, is not an easy task.  There are volumes written about it, and we are still confused!  

I think the core of the issue is that we are dealing with God here.  We are trying to explain, in human terms, the nature of the Divine.  I believe that if we could comprehend every single detail about God, He would not be much of a God.

I believe He is inexpressible.  I believe He is incomprehensible.  I believe He is unexplainable.  I believe there are no words in our vocabulary to define Him completely.  I believe our brains are not yet awake enough to describe Him and fully understand Him.

Therefore, the child of God who still dwells on this side of eternity is left lacking the ability to communicate the extent of the impact of the love of God in our lives...for which we are limited to using inadequate words to express Him...

He is the all Consuming Fire (Hebrews 12: 29; Exodus 24: 17; Deuteronomy 4: 24; Isaiah 33: 14).  Therefore, since we are receiving an unshakable kingdom, let us be filled with gratitude, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe (Hebrews 12: 28).

However, often we failed in our attempts to worship Him acceptably with reverence and awe...and we end up calling His love "reckless" due to a lack of appropriate words... 

I would not use or recommend that anyone uses the word "reckless" the way we understand it, as an adjective associated with God and His love.  But I understand the dilemma of trying to describe He who is totally Indescribable.

The song in question, by Cory Asbury is about God's relentless pursuit of His children, regardless of the undeserving nature of our existence.  When you think about the word within the context of the song, I have a better understanding for the author's choice.  If I look at if with my lowly, clouded, human eyes, I see it: I would be reckless in my pursuit of my sons if the time came for that...no matter what...and my love for them is but a faint reflection of the love God has for us.

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine

I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

There's no shadow You won't light up

Mountain You won't climb up

Coming after me

There's no wall You won't kick down

Lie You won't tear down

Coming after me

(Cory Asbury)

It's a Matter of Perspective

Isn't it funny how it is easier to see the hand of God at work in others than it is to see it at work in our own lives? It is a matter of perspectives, I think.  We sit way too close in our own show to really appreciate it and see what's going on.  But when we watch someone else's show, we are free to witness it all.  And, I'm telling you, God's shows are the absolute best!

Such was the occasion this past Sunday at church, when I was blessed to witness the work of the Holy Spirit in the live of someone else, right in front of my eyes.  All of us sitting on the pews had the privilege to see God's amazing work in the life of a fellow believer.  It is not my place to share his testimony, but I just want to share the impact that his testimony has had in me.

As I sat there, listening to him preach about the 5 loaves of bread and the 2 fish the little boy presented to Jesus to feed the 5,000+ crowd (John 6: 1-14), I wanted to weep.  The point was that from our perspective, when facing a giant task, we take a look at what we've got, and all we see are limitations.  The contents of our baskets seems pitifully meager when measured against the impossible task in hand.  We don't have the right tools.  We don't have the right equipment.  We don't know enough.  We are too weak.  We are too young.  We are too old.  We are too sick.  We are too poor.  We are too scared.  We are too self-conscious.  We are too blind to see the truth.

And the truth is that, even though, of course, we are not able to handle anything by ourselves, we cannot stop there, for we are not by ourselves.  We are not alone.  It is not by our might, strength, resources, abilities, intelligence, etc. that we will accomplish what we are designed to do.  We only have 2 fish and 5 things of bread, for the love of Pete! How are we supposed to feed a crowd of a projected 15,000 or more with that?  Of course the thought is crazy!  That's not the point.  The point is that we are to submit the contents of our baskets, regardless of how meager they are, to the feet of the Cross and let Jesus, the Almighty Son of God do the rest with it.

It's not as if Jesus would not have been able to feed the crowd on that day had the little boy not brought in his offering.  The point is that Jesus wanted that little boy to be a part of it.  Jesus wanted that nameless boy to be part of the most important story in the history of the world, the story of Jesus and His redemption of humanity.  Even though we don't know who that boy was, and only one of the gospels actually mentions the fact that it was a boy who selfishlessly offered what he had so Jesus could perform the miracle, Jesus knows him, and that's enough.  Because Jesus knows him, that boy is dear to all of us who have been touched by that story.  Because Jesus knows him, we are talking about him today. 

Jesus knows us too...and that is enough as well.  He knows we don't have enough.  He knows He doesn't need what we have.  But He wants us to be part of His plan, and the only way we could be part of His plan is if we offer to Him all that we have...regardless of whether we think it is enough or not.

No matter how insignificant the offering of the boy in John 6: 1-14 was from the perspective of the world.  God does not look at us from the world's perspective...Praised be His Holy Name!!  He looks at us from the perspective of His love and through the lense of the blood of Christ.  And from that perspective, we are more than enough!

Had the speaker last Sunday decided that his basket did not contained what was needed for him to share a message with us at church; those of us sitting on the pews would not have been touched by the power of the Holy Spirit at work in his soul and life...and we had all missed out on witnessing a miracle.

May the Holy Spirit guide us and teach us to see things from His perspective so we can be willing to share what He has given to us and be part of His Kingdom-Making Plans. 

It Is a Choice

Monday morning, the blues begins to hit my heart hard...  Even without glancing at the clock on the wall, its constant ticking reminds me I'm running out of time.  I'm tired already, and the day has not even truly began...it's so difficult to concentrate when the unknown approaches at a furious pace.  I don't know how to handle things, so I fall into my default mode: I worry...

Then, I remember, and I reach out to my morning devotional and read:

"You can have as much of Me and My Peace as you want, through thousands of correct choices each day.  The most persistent choice you face is whether to trust Me or to worry.  You will never run out of things to worry about, but you can choose to trust Me no matter what.  I am an ever-present help in trouble.  Trust Me, through the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea." (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

A sigh of relief...

May the peace of My Lord, Jesus, flow freely and abundantly in me today and every day.  I pray for strength to make my choice for the moment.  And I choose not to worry.  I say it aloud!  And even though I know I will fall into the temptation of worrying again later, I will trust that He will lead me out of the shadows and into the Light one more time...just like He has done right now...because His Name is Faithful!  And even though I lack faith, He, THE LORD, sustains me in the covenant that He signed with His blood.

Yes, it might be just another "manic Monday" like the song from the 80s says...but my choice is to trust Him all throughout and to open my heart so He can fill it with the flowing river of His Peace!

Not Made for the Desert

I always have trouble with the words "desert" and "dessert."  I can't never remember which one means what!  It's funny how a tiny spelling mistake changes the entire meaning of something, huh?  I want to talk about how I was not made to dwell in that dry and barren area of land where there is little to no vegetation, and I'm here sitting pondering which one is that one? So I better check with my trusted friends Merriam and Webster before I proceed...

The thing is that so often I live my life as if I am supposed to permanently inhabit that dry and barren land where nothing much grows.  I allow the circumstances surrounding me to become my world.  I let my thoughts to freely flow toward the problems.  I am overcome by fear.  I am trapped within the boundaries of my situations.  I forget that I am free, and that I was made to remain in constant communication with My Maker.

In chapter 6 of the book, You're Going to Be Okay, author Holley Gerth explores the fact that the happiness of the full-life that Jesus talks about in John 10: 10 is not a promise that will be fulfilled only in Heaven; but right here as well.  I forget that, even though we are told how we will have trouble in this life, they are of a temporary nature.  These troubles are not meant to consume us.  The only All-Consuming Fire is God Himself! (Hebrews 12: 29) 

The permanence of God stands in heavy contrast with the momentary span of our problems.  The thing is that we forget...

While our problems might be momentary, they are very real, touchable, concrete, present... God, on the other hand, might seem distant, abstract and almost unreal.  Why is that?  Usually, because we are the ones standing far away from Him.  We are the ones who do not seek His presence and His Kingdom first.  We are the ones who lack faith.  We are the ones who walk away from His Word.  We are the ones who ignore Him...therefore, we begin to believe that He is not really here.

The abundant life is a life lived in His Presence.  The abundant life is promised to all of His children.  However, we have to tap it.  The Holy Spirit has to guide us to it.  But if we are not in tune with the Holy Spirit, His whisperings go unheard, and His nudgings go unnoticed.  The Almighty seeks us, yes.  For us to love Him, He has to love us first! (1 John 4: 19)  But I believe that once He chooses us, the light goes on in our soul and we begin to thirst for His presence, which causes us to seek Him with all we've got.

As humans, however, we are easily distracted.  So as the world revolves and troubles show up, we fix our sight on those as supposed to staying put on His Face.  Then, the abundant life seems to disappear as the view of the desert enlarges and becomes the focal point of our gaze. 

That's when our strategy should be to seek Him first!  In times of trouble, go to Him first and cry out to Him.  In times of joy, go to Him first and rejoice with Him.  Regardless of the circumstances, go to Him first and dwell in His Presence ... This is how we can only see the desert as we pass through it, rather than as our home.  Our home is in Him...and we are His home.  So let's stop seeing the desert as the place where we will stay; and head out to our real home, where we can enjoy our dessert!

Because, if I may say so, I was made for dessert, but not for the desert!

Thoughts on Worry

I have to admit that this post by the TobyMac#SpeakLife page deeply convicted me.  If there is something, one thing, I excel at is worrying.  After all, I am the President of the Worry-Wart Club.  I have expressed repeatedly how I even worry when there seems to be nothing to worry about...I worry I should be worrying about something that I don't know of!

It is tough to be me...

But this post showed me the side of worry I had denied and avoid considering.  The thing is that I justify worrying.  I tend to convince myself that the reason I worry is because I care too much.  It is a sign of my devotion.  It is evidence that my heart is involved.  I see now, that worrying is a sign I have little faith in the Almighty Power of the Creator of it All. And that was hard to swallow.

Jesus is very clear on the matter.  In one statement He says it all:  Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life... (Matthew 6: 25a)

In one statement He sums it all up.  And I still doubt.

In the same context of Matthew 6 where Jesus talks extensively about the futility of worrying, He teaches us how to pray.  I don't think this is coincidental.  Of course it is not!  Every word expressed by The Word has a purpose.  The order of events does too.

I believe that the reason the Lord's Prayer is in the same chapter as His words on how we shouldn't worry was very intentional.  It is through prayer that we can achieve a state of constant communication with Our Lord, which in turn gives us awareness of His Presence and His Revelation, which in turn saturates us with that Peace that surpasses all understanding, derived by the Trust that emerges through our intimate knowledge of Christ.

It is through prayer without ceasing that we can finally be led to a live in which we Seek Him First! It is through constant prayer that we can stop worrying about tomorrow.  It is through prayer that we can understand that worrying would not add a single second to the span of our life.  It is through prayer that we realize the truth in Jesus' Words: 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14: 27)

Prayer shows us the way...

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11: 28-30)

As my season of worry is about to start while I wait to have my yearly check ups for my Thyroid issues, I need to intentionally hang on to prayer.  I need to call on the Holy Spirit to open my ears and listen to Him speak His Words of Truth to me and ignore the voice of the enemy, so I can trust Him and relay on the fact that God does know what He is doing...therefore, I need not worry about a thing.