It was the night before my treatment. Multiple prayers had been said over the months since my diagnosis of thyroid cancer all geared toward this very day that now was but hours away. As I lay in bed alone, staring at the ceiling, I simply said, “Lord, I’m in your hands. You take care of the details.” After that, I let out a sigh of relief. Soon, I felt my heavy eyelids shutting down for the night, but before I drifted into sleep, I had a minute to wonder about how peculiar my prayer had seemed…I couldn’t believe that was it. Wasn’t I supposed to say something WAY more elaborate and profound in preparation for the big day? For some reason, the prayer felt just right. I had peace in my heart and I was grateful for it. Therefore, I let sleep sweep me off my feet.
The day came and things began falling into place one by one. We got one kid on the school bus. The other kid came downstairs all dressed for school without fussing. The babysitter showed up early. We were out the door on time, and as the garage door lifted, we saw the beauty of the morning dawning on us. We said a prayer at the end of the driveway and I told Dan about how I had prayed for God to take care of the many details without going into details…
All throughout, I just couldn’t stop thinking how I had dared to offer such a simple prayer in one of the most dreadful days of my life!? Me? a simple prayer? I am the Queen of micromanaging prayer! I make sure I pray for every single detail of whatever situation I’m praying for as if I were an industrial engineer going through an elaborate procedural manual that needs to be just like so in order for the machinery to work like clock works…otherwise something may be left out and the whole thing may collapse…and that is just not going to happen on my watch! I need to remind God about everything that needs taken care of. I need to show God that I do care about every single detail too. I need to show Him that nothing is superfluous or unnecessary. Where did this simple prayer come from?
I started to think about other women in the Bible trying to think if there was another micro-manager like myself who may have tried to take the details into her own hands, to help out God a bit, just in case He may forget…and I thought of Sarah, Abraham’s wife. A fine example of a woman taking matters into her own hands to hurry things along and help out in the fulfillment of God’s plan…only to have it all backfire on her/our face…that’s the story of Sarah…
She knew that God had a plan of making Abraham the father of as many offspring as there are stars in the heavens (Gen 15: 5) As the practical woman she was, she just couldn’t wrap her mind around how that would all come to be and still have her involved in such a plan. She was past her child bearing years and had yet to have borne Abraham one single child. Needless to say, Sarah didn’t trust God with the details of the plan. So, on she went to do some micromanaging. Next thing we know, in comes Hagar, ushered into Abraham’s arms by none other than Sarah herself. The rest constitutes a portion of history of such biblical proportions that still haunts us today…
I have been in Sarah’s shoes many times. I did too struggle through infertility and went through great lengths to have a biological child (not to the lengths that Sarah wen to, I must clarify : ) but I did put my body through a lot to achieve it. I have manipulated events in other areas as well in order to get what I “needed” be it a job, a house, money, friends, emotional stability, you name it! And as I discovered just now, I have micromanaged prayer too. My arrogance has gone as far as thinking that if I don’t mention every detail I want God to take care of, He just won’t remember to do it…maybe because I’m judging God against human standards and some of the males around me tend to be on the forgetful side? There I go again, trying to justify my lack of trust.
I just like to control things. I have a hard time letting go of the reigns. Perhaps that is the main lesson I am to learn out of the situation I find myself in right at this moment. I have ZERO control. All I can do is trust.
I trust that God’s plan is still perfect, regardless of the challenges. I trust that He loves me. I trust that He will lead me and be with me in the trial. I trust that He will take care of every tiny detail without me having to point them all out. He knows them all. He created the plan!
As it happened, the day was perfect. I could not have organized it any better. Everything was on time. Results were great and I swallowed the pill! What two months ago had seemed impossible, became possible that afternoon at 3pm with God, right in there next to me, in a scary room with steel doors and signs of radioactive hazard posted all over the walls.
God took care of every single detail. The drive was beautiful. He even gave us a gorgeous sunrise that was as peculiar as my prayer. As we drove up and down the rolling hills of Western PA, Dan pointed out to the east. Where the sun was rising…there was one single deep orange ray shooting upward from behind the horizon straight up to the sky…what a sight! It was as if the Finger of God was pointing us in the direction toward which we should keep our eyes fixed! A few minutes later, the largest ball of fire rose in the sky, filling the clouds with unimaginable shades of reds, pinks and orange, mixed in with creamy whites and blue. The heavens, indeed, declared the majesty of His Name!
Linking with: Little R and R and Whole Hearted Home
Linking with: Little R and R and Whole Hearted Home