Restless Soul

We happen to be studying the Patriarchs in Sunday School and of course we are starting with Abraham.  

I have to say that dear, old Abe is a very intriguing person to me.  I absolutely love the passage where God calls him out of Ur.  I love Abraham's resolve to obey God and leave the only place he has ever called home, even when the destination was completely unknown.

There is something terribly romantic about that, in my opinion.  

And the reason I find it romantic, I think, is because I can identify with the idea of leaving home...and everything one has ever known, to go to a place that you haven't even heard of before.

My journey certainly did not impact the history of the world or the salvation of the people of God...but it did involve a change in my personal history and the bursting of my own little bubble.  I didn't pack camels and take the whole family with me.  In two suitcases I carried what I could fit, completely ignorant of how ill-prepared I was for my future, most of all, for the insane Western PA winters.  

Sigh...

It's been almost 30 years, but I still don't know the full extent this experience will finally have in my life or the lives of those whom I have met along my journey.  But one thing I do know... the journey has left me with a restless soul.

This morning, as we talked about the difference of a life "settled" and a life as a nomad, dwelling in tents, I couldn't help but thinking how appealing the wandering life-style sounded to me.   I love the idea of camping.  I often say things like:  "let's sell everything, buy an RV and go travel everywhere!"  My family ignores me, and chalks it up to me being insane.  

Sigh...

The truth is...I am not joking!

I don't know what it is, but I get restless when I am in the same place too long.  I don't like the idea of "settling."  I'm afraid of settling because I'm afraid of losing...probably not so much of losing my freedom...but, of losing the place where I settle.  I'm afraid I will fall in love with the place so much, that one day I would not want to leave it, but someone of something will come in and take it away from me...like it already happened when I left my childhood home in Panama...and now is out of my reach forever.

I loved my parents' house.  I loved everything about it.  I loved my bed.  I loved the way the wind moved the curtains in my room on a breezy day.  I loved the cool, old-fashion tile on the floor.  I loved staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out shapes on the different shades of the wood.  I loved the little patio off the kitchen where I spent endless hours, days, weeks, months and years hanging out with Rosa while she sat at her sewing machine, cooked, washed clothes, or just spent time talking to me about nothing important in-between chores.  I loved the yard full of fruit trees.  I even loved the ugly pepto bismol shade of pink in my bathroom... it just added to the overall vintage-feel of the entire house... it added to the love I felt every day I was there.

I never imagined, in my wildest dreams...that one day, that would not be my home anymore.  I never expected that the grand gate that so many nights I shut and locked myself, would be shut and locked in front of my face, while standing on the other side of the fence...but that is the way things are today, and it is very hard to bear.

It's no wonder that a tent might sound suitable.  After all, you can pack it up and take it with you everywhere you go... I can drive my house around if I live in an RV.  I can go to the beach and to the mountains, and my house will follow me!  How convenient!

But that's not what I'm supposed to do.  Deep down, I know it, and I accept it...but it scares me.

God called me out of my Ur many years ago, and even though I didn't know where I was going, it ended up being my own personal land of milk and honey... so, if I am supposed to learn something out of this whole thing, I pray it may be that no matter what, God loves me, and regardless of where He calls me to, He will go before me, and He will take care of all my needs...here, there and everywhere.

May He give me rest and peace to trust in Him.