Am I Going to Be OK? Mommy Hulk

“You yell so much, that sometimes I don’t think you love me…”

Dylan actually said this to me not too long ago…and it broke my heart.

My emotions and feelings are so out-of-control so often, that I am ruining the most important job God has ever given to me: Motherhood. For some reason out of my ability to understand, God decided that I should have kids. Selfish, self-centered, control-freaks should not be allowed to have children. However, here am I. God’s wisdom is unexplainable to the human mind; therefore, the paradox of a person like me being a Mom is something that I am not going to question. My emotional reality, however, does not excuse my actions. I cannot use the “God made me that way” line as a copout for my behavior. Change is in order.

The change I need is within my reach, because it has to do with the Fruits of the Spirit, and since the Spirit lives in me, His fruits will, one day, hopefully soon, bloom in my soul and be evident in the way I act.

Change can start with small/very practical steps…

Earlier we saw how, we can help the brain think different by pausing, praying and pondering. Now, in chapter 4 of Holley Gerth’s book, You’re going to be Okay, she talks about the heart, the emotions and the feelings that cause us so much of our pain. She says that “in times of stress our defenses are down.” She continues, “we each have a threshold for what we can take before it becomes really tempting to do something we know we shouldn’t. Stress takes us across that threshold much more quickly.” Then, she brings up a method called HALT which describes how this works. “In essence, when we are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, then we’re more likely to make poor choices…remembering HALT helps us pause and recognize that we’re vulnerable in some way at the moment…and we need help of some kind. It might be rest, a good meal, or a conversation with a trusted friend.” (70)

Just like with the triple P: pause, pray and ponder, HALT can be used effectively if we are intentional about it.

Instead of blowing up because Dylan left garbage on the couch, I need to pause and think about why I am so irritated by this: Am I hungry? Knowing me, the answer to this question is inevitably YES! Am I angry? Well, what a silly question, of course I’m angry! That’s the whole point! I’m the Hulk of all Moms!!! I AM ALWAYS ANGRY!!!! Am I lonely? Often, I do feel terribly lonely, even in a crowded room… Am I tired? This time of the year, I am always tired…

Being aware of my basic emotions at the moment helps me realize that the irritation I’m experiencing due to the display of candy wrappings, empty bottles and crumbs on my couch is mostly provoked not by Dylan’s actions of negligence; but my own unattended feelings.

What to do?

First, EAT! Many afternoons I get home without having had lunch and, before I do anything else, I should just eat. It is amazing how many arguments could be skipped if I just do this. This will help with me not being so angry to start.

Second: breathe…

Third: look around and realize the blessing of my family. I am not alone!

Fourth: go look at the disaster area and see if the flame of irritation is still ignited. Then, walk away and lay down for a few minutes if just looking at the mess makes my blood boil. Nobody ever comes to visit us, so who cares if the couch is full of garbage for another 30 minutes. Also, that could give Dylan a chance to clean it up without me having to say anything to him first! Yeah, wishful thinking, but hey, it’s the season of miracles, right?

Of course, this type of behavior requires discipline, self-control and intentionality…concepts that only come once we have dealt with deeper issues that have to do with guarding our hearts. But that will be for next time. Right now, I’m going to HALT the Hulk before Dylan comes home…so I can begin to erase the pain from him thinking I don’t love him…