Did I Hear God Correctly?

There is nothing like a delay or a flight cancelation to make you question the order of the world or he validity of one’s plans…

About an hour and a half after we left the hotel where we had spent our “last night” in Panama, we had to return to it because the flight we were hoping to board was just not going to take us home that day…sigh…I remember how, as the realization that we were not going to depart that day sank in, I felt as if the floor where I was standing had been suddenly removed. I mean, it’s no big deal, right? One more day in Panama, WOOHOO!!! However, that is not how I felt. I had my heart set on going back to the U.S. and so did my kids. Grant even said to me: “when I said I was sad to leave Panama, I didn’t mean for this to happen…”

Sigh…

The next morning, I was ready for take two…but my mind was in turmoil…

I was in such a bad mood. I’m not sure why. I think that the last hours of unexpected down time had caused me to overthink some of the decisions I’ve made in my life. I looked out the hotel window and stared at the scenery of the country of my birth. Was I right to leave all those years ago? Was I right to move to the States? Was it right for me to leave my family, friends and life behind? Is restlessness my constant companion because of my decision to leave Panama 25+ years ago?

Did I mishear God’s calling to go?

Then, as thunder rumbled outside, the distant sound of Genesis 12:1 came to my mind…

The LORD had said to Abram, "Go from your country, your people and your father's household to the land I will show you…” 

Sigh…

There is no evidence that Abraham…Abram at the time of the call…felt any apprehension about leaving. Scripture only says how he picked up his beloved wife and nephew and left. If he was scared about the move, the Bible doesn’t record it. I believe that when God calls, there is little room for doubt and hesitation. That’s how I felt when I left all those years ago. I did not have the slightest doubt in my mind that I needed to embark in that life-altering journey. However, I’m only human…and as I got settled in the day-to-day of my new reality, identity crisis, homesickness, loneliness and regret began to sink in.

Dark and desperate days followed my every step. Restlessness and insecurity caused me to act out in ways that made me unrecognizable. I was afraid. I didn’t know who I was…

I bet it was sort of like that moment in Genesis 12: 13 when Abram asked his wife Sarai to tell the Egyptians that she was his sister instead of his spouse. I mean, really? Can you even imagine that? Sister-wife…it sounds like a crazy reality TV show, doesn’t it? I’m sure it felt like a crazy reality TV show, if they’d known what that was back then.

Then, as if life weren’t hard enough, other struggles came upon, one of which, probably the hardest was the inability to have children even when children more numerous than the stars in the sky were promised. Plotting and scheming … weakness … anger … fulfillment … all the elements of a good, day-time-TV drama were present in this story, and so were in mine as well.

But the Lord renewed His promise to Abraham…and so He did to me too…

I know, often, I get confused and mistake God’s voice with my own voice and desires. I know, that like Sarah, I often try to force my way pretending it is part of God’s plan. I know that many times there is so much noise in my life that I can’t hear God’s whispers. But, I also know that I am where God wants me to be.

The struggles I’ve faced pale in comparison with the rewards…and any regrets I may have are the result of my wounded pride. Panama was home during the first half of my life. Now, home is somewhere else. And for that I am thankful, and I pray I can gain the stability of mind to appreciate it and fully enjoy it.

The rain stopped, we had breakfast, headed to the airport and finally boarded the plane that brought us back to the United States. We are getting back to our routines, feeling tired, but at the same time, filled with a sense of quiet peace that tells us, we are home…praise the Lord!