Why did You Make Me this Way?

Thinking back at the weeks we spent in Panama very recently, I have to admit that I had more than my share of self-provoked drama.  I am not proud to confess that I lost it many, many, many times while we were there.  Most of the yelling that occurred was related to Dylan spending an excessive amount of time playing his currently, favorite video game.   We spent more than a "Fortnite" immersed in "Royale Battles" (I'm sure that those with gamer kids get this reference immediately...sigh...)

At any rate, yes, it's not good for a kid to want to spend his/her entire waking hours glued to a game console...but it's not right for a Mother to explode into uncontrollable rage while trying to control/limit her kid's gaming habits/time.

I don't know what it was...maybe it was the heat (not really, we now have the modern convenience of air conditioning at our place in Panama).  Maybe it was the fact that, for most of the time in Panama, Dan was not there with us and I felt the heavy weight of taking care of the kids fall entirely on my shoulders.  Maybe it's just that God made me this way and there's nothing I can do about it...

But, why would He made me this way?  Why can't I be like those sweet, tender, kind, gentle, soft-mannered, loving Mothers I see all around me?  Why can't I just be normal?  Why do I have to be so insecure in who I am?

Sigh...

Of course, I can't hide behind the childish excuse:  "God made me this way, and you all have to deal with it, 'cause I ain't changing..."  But, I also can't deny that there is a drop of truth in this statement.

God did make me a certain way.  He made me unique.  I was fearfully and wonderfully made!  And His works ARE wonderful, indeed!  I just need to reach a point in which the fruit of self-control takes hold of me, and I can finally know this truth fully well to praise Him for the way He made me. (Psalm 139)

Of course I want to change.  Of course I want to display the fruits of the Spirit at all times, especially at times of great pressure and tension.  Of course I want to become a woman of sanity and self-control.  But I cannot beat myself to a pulp every time I fail.  I cannot let guilt drown me.  I cannot allow self-loathing asphyxiate me.  That is the work of the enemy. 

Every time the question, "why did You have to make me this way?" pops into my mind consciously or unconsciously, that is nothing more than evidence of the enemy's deceitful scheming, trying to pull me away from My Lord! 

God made me this way because He has a plan for me.  And His plan is always, always perfect....even when I am not.

I am very far from being perfect, but I am a child of the Most High!  That's who I am.  The other nicknames the world (including me) has for myself are false, and I must stop believing them.  I must stop repeating them.

The glory of God will shine through my imperfections.  His Light will filter through my worn out garments. His love will spill through the cracks on my jar of clay.

Therefore, rather than hiding from God when I fail, I need to draw closer to Him.  I need to open up my Bible and find Him there.  I need to seek Him in the eyes of those whom I hurt.  And I need to find Him in the quick forgiveness of those I offend. 

I recently read a devotional that recommended to get in the habit of repeating to oneself the following ideas:
"I am not what I do
I'm not what I have
I'm not what people say about me.
I am the beloved of God.
It's who I am
No one can take it from me.
I don't have to worry.
I don't have to hurry.
(I don't have to fear - I added this one)
I can trust my friend Jesus and dhsare His love with the world."

I believe it's time I start listening to the Holy Spirit telling me these things.  He is the One whispering them in my ear, even when I refuse to hear them...so it's time I make it a habit to fill my mind with these thoughts and leave the noise that usually fills it, behind.

I am uniquely, fearfully and wonderfully made.  I am a child of God.  He determines my path.  He guides my steps.  He catches me when I fall.  I am His masterpiece, but I am not finished yet.  Why did He make me this way?  Because He wants to delight in me as He completes the good work He began before I was even in my mother's womb.