Love IS the Answer

"Most of mankind's misery stems from feeling unloved..." (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

I read this statement in one of my devotionals recently and it caused me to pause.  I have read it before, but it never spoke to me the way it did this time.  Perhaps it was because I've been feeling particularly unloving and unlovable lately.  Perhaps it was because I need a reminder of God's unfailing love...perhaps it was because I need to be reminded of the truth.

"In the midst of adverse circumstances, people tend to feel that love has been withdrawn and they have been forsaken.  This feeling of abandonment is often worse than the adversity itself."  I totally agree with this. Especially, when I begin to dig into my own life, I realize that my disappointments, hurts, fears and even my anger do emerge because I feel unloved and, if not yet abandoned, feeling that I will soon be.

I remember one of my last incidents, just a few days ago, when an argument about what to do for my upcoming birthday turned into a full-out battle...until, eventually, after an insane amount of drama, I stopped long enough to truly think and realized the root of my irrational overreaction (as if overreaction weren't innately irrational) was a sense of insecurity prompted by a a perception of a lack of love caused by my self-declared unlovability.

I don't feel lovable.  Therefore, I'm insecure.  Thus, I overread and overthink, which causes overreactions at the slightest real or more often than not, imagined indication of someone's disapproval or disinterest or carelessness regarding me.  In other words, I am a big self-centered, pain in the neck!

The thing is, my idea of love, regardless of how much I know intellectually, that it is not that, is still based upon performance.

Performance-based love is the kind of love that depends on just that, performance!  If I perform well, I am loved.  If I do not perform/behave/act/conduct myself well, then, I am not loved.  And, since my performance record is quite lacking, it is impossible for people to love me most of the time.  That's why I see the smallest mishap or hesitation on others toward me, as a demonstration that I'm not worthy of their love because of the way I've underperformed before...historically...since, in my mind, everyone keeps a record of my wrongs in their book...

I believe that what made this devotional reading so poignant this time around was the realization that I am not the only one who feels this way...

I'm not the only human who overreacts due to a real or imagined perception of unlovability.  I'm not the only person who fears abandonment because I'm unlovable.  I'm not the only person who is afraid others are not going to love her because she is a failure and a fraud...

Sigh...

One quick look at my sons confirm this idea.  Dylan, for instance, is constantly overreacting and acting out around me.  I dare say, he does that because he is not sure I love him fully.  As an adopted child, consciously or unconsciously he struggles with a perception of abandonment.  He fears that as it happened once, it could happen again.  He is not lovable, in his head.  Therefore, he feels insecure in my love for him.  He bases it on his performance.  But, at the same time, he is seeking that security by testing the limits of my declared love for him.  So he pushes my buttons as many times as possible to make sure, that no matter what, I will not abandon him.  Of course, in my short-temperedness and impatience, instead of reassuring him of my love, I overreact too, because I too feel unloved by him because of my perceived unlovability...so the cycle of yelling is never-ending.

I'm exhausted...

This reading, however, gave me a glimpse of a possible way to break this maddening cycle:  LOVE!

Love IS the answer...as the old song says.  A response of love is what I need to enact rather than my usual irrational overreactions.  I need to love those around me first.  I need to act in love.  I need to show them my love rather than my disappointment due to my own insecurities.  The problem is, I have no clue how to begin to do this.  It will imply a complete change of my defaults, inspired by more intense Bible reading.  

So, I'm going to embark on this journey to loving others well...I hope it is a journey that you can join or that at least can benefit those who witness it.  I do hope you come on aboard my little boat and help me row ...my arms are weak...I haven't exercised in ages, and that upcoming birthday is starting to feel pretty heavy...

May the Holy Spirit guide our steps and help us grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. (Ephesians 3:18)