Why did You Make Me this Way?

Thinking back at the weeks we spent in Panama very recently, I have to admit that I had more than my share of self-provoked drama.  I am not proud to confess that I lost it many, many, many times while we were there.  Most of the yelling that occurred was related to Dylan spending an excessive amount of time playing his currently, favorite video game.   We spent more than a "Fortnite" immersed in "Royale Battles" (I'm sure that those with gamer kids get this reference immediately...sigh...)

At any rate, yes, it's not good for a kid to want to spend his/her entire waking hours glued to a game console...but it's not right for a Mother to explode into uncontrollable rage while trying to control/limit her kid's gaming habits/time.

I don't know what it was...maybe it was the heat (not really, we now have the modern convenience of air conditioning at our place in Panama).  Maybe it was the fact that, for most of the time in Panama, Dan was not there with us and I felt the heavy weight of taking care of the kids fall entirely on my shoulders.  Maybe it's just that God made me this way and there's nothing I can do about it...

But, why would He made me this way?  Why can't I be like those sweet, tender, kind, gentle, soft-mannered, loving Mothers I see all around me?  Why can't I just be normal?  Why do I have to be so insecure in who I am?

Sigh...

Of course, I can't hide behind the childish excuse:  "God made me this way, and you all have to deal with it, 'cause I ain't changing..."  But, I also can't deny that there is a drop of truth in this statement.

God did make me a certain way.  He made me unique.  I was fearfully and wonderfully made!  And His works ARE wonderful, indeed!  I just need to reach a point in which the fruit of self-control takes hold of me, and I can finally know this truth fully well to praise Him for the way He made me. (Psalm 139)

Of course I want to change.  Of course I want to display the fruits of the Spirit at all times, especially at times of great pressure and tension.  Of course I want to become a woman of sanity and self-control.  But I cannot beat myself to a pulp every time I fail.  I cannot let guilt drown me.  I cannot allow self-loathing asphyxiate me.  That is the work of the enemy. 

Every time the question, "why did You have to make me this way?" pops into my mind consciously or unconsciously, that is nothing more than evidence of the enemy's deceitful scheming, trying to pull me away from My Lord! 

God made me this way because He has a plan for me.  And His plan is always, always perfect....even when I am not.

I am very far from being perfect, but I am a child of the Most High!  That's who I am.  The other nicknames the world (including me) has for myself are false, and I must stop believing them.  I must stop repeating them.

The glory of God will shine through my imperfections.  His Light will filter through my worn out garments. His love will spill through the cracks on my jar of clay.

Therefore, rather than hiding from God when I fail, I need to draw closer to Him.  I need to open up my Bible and find Him there.  I need to seek Him in the eyes of those whom I hurt.  And I need to find Him in the quick forgiveness of those I offend. 

I recently read a devotional that recommended to get in the habit of repeating to oneself the following ideas:
"I am not what I do
I'm not what I have
I'm not what people say about me.
I am the beloved of God.
It's who I am
No one can take it from me.
I don't have to worry.
I don't have to hurry.
(I don't have to fear - I added this one)
I can trust my friend Jesus and dhsare His love with the world."

I believe it's time I start listening to the Holy Spirit telling me these things.  He is the One whispering them in my ear, even when I refuse to hear them...so it's time I make it a habit to fill my mind with these thoughts and leave the noise that usually fills it, behind.

I am uniquely, fearfully and wonderfully made.  I am a child of God.  He determines my path.  He guides my steps.  He catches me when I fall.  I am His masterpiece, but I am not finished yet.  Why did He make me this way?  Because He wants to delight in me as He completes the good work He began before I was even in my mother's womb. 

Chill Pill

“I told you to let me know if you weren’t feeling well!! Why do you think I keep asking you? I know you are not feeling well. You needed to tell me before, when there was something I could’ve done about it. NOT NOW, when there is nothing I can do to help you!!!!!” I whispered-yelled at Grant after he finally admitted he was feeling unsettled on the plane back to Panama City. “I didn’t want to add to your worry and stress…” he confessed with a face so full of anguish that I could see it across the isle in the dark.

I have spent three and a half weeks worrying about all the details of our trip to Panama, making sure I kept all the ducks in a row. I had spent our vacation stressed out … believing the lie that I could keep everything under control. I had wasted the time thinking it all depended on me. And, as I realized on that regional plane back to the city, I had been so frazzled that even a 16-year-old boy had noticed so much so that he decided to rather suffer in silence than to come to me for help.

Sigh…

My obsession with self-reliance shatters not just my own peace, but the peace of those around me. My lack of trust in the One Who created me, thwarts not only my own ability to enjoy the ride, but it makes everyone else’s ride truly bumpy and unbearable.

I forget that peace comes with trust and dependence…but not in me…

Peace comes with trust and dependence in Him who sustains us.

Psalm 27 is a beautiful reminder of our need to stop fretting, for The Lord is with us; and if He is with us, nothing can hurt us…not even our own inadequacies.

The Lord is the Light, the Salvation and the Stronghold of our lives. Therefore, even when we face war, we need not fear. Instead, we must seek to dwell in His house, in His presence, and rest in His beauty, for that is our shield, our shelter, our safety. And no matter what, we would be covered by His peace because, as we remain in His presence, we know everything will be OK:

I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27: 13-14 

God provided a nice and super smooth flight and Grant ended up not throwing up. As I calmed down, the Holy Spirit gave me clarity of mind to ask my son to describe his symptoms, and I was able to discern that it could be heartburn. I gave him a few anti-acid chewables, and they did the trick. I sighed in relieve and realized I also need to take my anti-panic chewable found in fully reliance on God…my chill-pill, like Dan says, and just enjoy the ride without letting my obsession to control everything ruin it for me and for all those around.

Not Alone

“Life is supposed to be hard…” I have heard this expression so many times… particularly coming from my own mind. In dismay I sigh each time the reality of this statement hits me on the face. The enemy slaps me with this thought every time I face challenges…as if to taunt me…as if pushing me to doubt the Goodness and the Presence of the Almighty right here in me…

We are not supposed to deal with life alone. Our mission in life, whatever it may be: whether in a remote corner of a forgotten island serving “the least of these” while lacking essential necessities, facing decease and loneliness or in the most modern of urban centers, enduring the corporate world’s caprice, out-of-control traffic and all the plagues of development, our God-designed mission in life is not supposed to be without challenges, but it isn’t supposed to destroy us either…

That’s why Jesus sent them out in twos:

Calling the Twelve to him, he began to send them out two by two and gave them authority over impure spirits. Mark 6: 7

These were his instructions: “Take nothing for the journey except a staff—no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. Wear sandals but not an extra shirt. Whenever you enter a house, stay there until you leave that town. And if any place will not welcome you or listen to you, leave that place and shake the dust off your feet as a testimony against them.” Mark 6: 7-11

Jesus knew, as the Creator and as His experience living in the flesh showed Him, that carrying out one’s mission alone is pretty impossible. Regardless of the fact that the full burden of His redemptive work was and is upon His shoulders, Jesus knew He needed a support group! He, more than anyone, knew the challenges would be none too great to be faced on one’s on. The journey is just too hard. The road too rough. The disappointments too depressing. The fatigue too crushing. The fear too overwhelming. The mind too unruly.

In His provision, The Lord always places people around us who would sustain us…even when we are too stubborn to seek for assistance. Even when we think we can handle it all by ourselves, Jesus, in His great wisdom, love and compassion for us, sends us His angels…sends us His presence. Our job is to seek it. We must seek Him first with all our might and concentration. And we must pray that we recognize Him in our surroundings: in the prayers of our friends, in the unexpected messages from our main encouragers, in the perfect devotional reading, in the lyrics of a song, in the beauty of the sunset, in the laughter of a loved one, in the embrace of a partner, in the calling of someone we thought long-lost, in the kindness of a stranger…

Regardless of what the enemy may try to feed to our minds as to wonder where God is in our situation, we must resist his taunting and seek to see the face of our Father…we must pant for it…like the deer in psalm 42…as we sing His song:

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God. Psalm 42: 11

Yes, life is supposed to be hard.  We are not home yet.  This isn’t paradise.  But it isn’t hell either.  

The fire of this world will not consume us, because we are protected by the All Consuming Fire that is Our Lord! (Hebrews 12: 29)

Life is hard, indeed, but as we seek the presence of Our Lord, Jesus the Christ, we will discover that He gives it to us in many different ways...we are not meant to do this life alone...let's be aware of those who walk along our path and become each other's helpers, companions and encouragers...they are there, no matter how alone we might think we are...keep seeking Him, and we will find that they were there all along.

Longing for Home

Have you ever felt a deep longing for home while in a long, wonderful vacation, one that you really looked forward to and which you truly enjoyed? That happened to Dylan this summer: “I want to stay, but I want to leave?” He’d tell me repeatedly toward the end of our visit to Panama this year. “I don’t understand!” He’d say. “I know, Dylan, I feel the same way. That’s what happens to those who have their hearts torn in between two places,” I said to him one night as he was drifting into sleep.

As an immigrant to the USA, I love this country, but I can’t help to feel conflicted in my heart. When I’m in the USA I long for my country of birth. When I’m in Panama I long for the States. It’s exhausting. It’s a sense of permanent homesickness.

In a way, I’m right in feeling this way. The reason we feel homesick is because our true home would not be found in this world. None of us ever will. We are just passing through here. No matter how much we seek for it, or how much we think we’ve found it, the home we long for is not here. We pant for it, like the deer in Psalm 42: 1-2

As the deer pants for streams of water, 

so my soul pants for you, my God. 

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. 

When can I go and meet with God? 

We walk through the hard roads of this world seeking for that true home, where we will finally feel comfortable enough to hang our hats and store our coats, sit down and put our feet up…only to realize we begin to feel restless the second we took our shoes off… Our souls turn downcast, and we wonder why? The reason is because what we seek is not a place. Our home is a person. We don’t really seek to find a brick and mortar house. We seek to meet God. And ultimately, we won’t get to enjoy the full measure of our True Home, until we are fully in His presence:

They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. John 17: 16 

As I left the room after tucking Dylan in and trying to comfort him, assuring him that we would be back in the USA soon and that he’ll begin to feel more settled once we are there, I thought about how we are all sort of immigrants in this world. Our hearts are all torn, after all…we love the blessings the Lord has given to us while here on Earth; but we continue to pant for Him, because, no matter how wonderful it may be down here for us, we are just not home yet.

Show Us Your Presence, Lord!

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1: 9

Have you ever been at a place where you wondered whether God truly was there? Very recently, my sons and I were visiting a church…actually, it was the church I grew up attending in Panama…and Dylan confessed to me that he did not feel comfortable in there. Maybe it was the fact that everything was in Spanish. Probably, it was the eeriness of feeling like a foreigner in a not so familiar land. It could’ve been the awful heat! Dylan’s main reason to dislike coming to Panama is the heat. He is ALWAYS complaining, and saying he is too hot! It might have been an overall lack of understanding of the surroundings. Perhaps, it was all of the above, but the thing is that Dylan was not enjoying church that morning.

I didn’t know how to comfort him. I was actually, getting annoyed and frustrated with his inability to quiet himself. My lack of compassion was beginning to surface… I talked to him about how blessed he was that we were able to have such an experience that, so few get to have. Being in another country is not something the average 12-year-old does on a regular basis, let alone actually attending church with the people of that country. I told him all about how being there would make him an interesting person. I even told him that trips like this one would make him more marketable one day, when he was looking for a job…Don’t worry, service hadn’t started yet…

Amazingly enough, none of these things I was so eloquently saying to him made any difference to my son. He just couldn’t shake off the uncomfortable feeling. Then, I said, “Pray that the Holy Spirit shows you how God is present in this place.”

OK…as the words came out of my mouth, I knew that wasn’t me talking…I also knew the message was not just for Dylan either.

Then, I said: “Pray that the Holy Spirit shows you God’s presence in a way that you can understand. For example, how He is in the gentle breeze that cools you off, so you are not too hot, or in the music, or in a smile someone offers to you…”

Dylan looked at me, and for the first time I saw a glimmer of wonder and reflection that showed a hint of peace. His reaction made me realize he had finally heard something that had touched him in a comforting way. I totally knew then, that was the Holy Spirit talking through me, ‘cause there ain’t no way I could’ve thought of any of that on my own…

God’s amazing ways astonish me to no end. I pray that I can tune into Him and fix my eyes on Him in every and any situation, so I can stay the course. No matter how confusing, scary, uncomfortable or painful things are, I pray that I can always find His presence. I cling to His promise that He will be with me wherever I go…and, encouraged by His Word, I will try, by His strength, to remain courageous.

Service went on its way. Dylan was still confused and not entirely enjoying the experience, but, he got through it. By the time we were getting ready to go, he held my hand and noticed it was sweaty. I said, “yes, I’m dying of heat in here!” To which he replied, “not me, I’m not hot at all!” I looked at him and we both smiled.

Did I Hear God Correctly?

There is nothing like a delay or a flight cancelation to make you question the order of the world or he validity of one’s plans…

About an hour and a half after we left the hotel where we had spent our “last night” in Panama, we had to return to it because the flight we were hoping to board was just not going to take us home that day…sigh…I remember how, as the realization that we were not going to depart that day sank in, I felt as if the floor where I was standing had been suddenly removed. I mean, it’s no big deal, right? One more day in Panama, WOOHOO!!! However, that is not how I felt. I had my heart set on going back to the U.S. and so did my kids. Grant even said to me: “when I said I was sad to leave Panama, I didn’t mean for this to happen…”

Sigh…

The next morning, I was ready for take two…but my mind was in turmoil…

I was in such a bad mood. I’m not sure why. I think that the last hours of unexpected down time had caused me to overthink some of the decisions I’ve made in my life. I looked out the hotel window and stared at the scenery of the country of my birth. Was I right to leave all those years ago? Was I right to move to the States? Was it right for me to leave my family, friends and life behind? Is restlessness my constant companion because of my decision to leave Panama 25+ years ago?

Did I mishear God’s calling to go?

Then, as thunder rumbled outside, the distant sound of Genesis 12:1 came to my mind…

The LORD had said to Abram, "Go from your country, your people and your father's household to the land I will show you…” 

Sigh…

There is no evidence that Abraham…Abram at the time of the call…felt any apprehension about leaving. Scripture only says how he picked up his beloved wife and nephew and left. If he was scared about the move, the Bible doesn’t record it. I believe that when God calls, there is little room for doubt and hesitation. That’s how I felt when I left all those years ago. I did not have the slightest doubt in my mind that I needed to embark in that life-altering journey. However, I’m only human…and as I got settled in the day-to-day of my new reality, identity crisis, homesickness, loneliness and regret began to sink in.

Dark and desperate days followed my every step. Restlessness and insecurity caused me to act out in ways that made me unrecognizable. I was afraid. I didn’t know who I was…

I bet it was sort of like that moment in Genesis 12: 13 when Abram asked his wife Sarai to tell the Egyptians that she was his sister instead of his spouse. I mean, really? Can you even imagine that? Sister-wife…it sounds like a crazy reality TV show, doesn’t it? I’m sure it felt like a crazy reality TV show, if they’d known what that was back then.

Then, as if life weren’t hard enough, other struggles came upon, one of which, probably the hardest was the inability to have children even when children more numerous than the stars in the sky were promised. Plotting and scheming … weakness … anger … fulfillment … all the elements of a good, day-time-TV drama were present in this story, and so were in mine as well.

But the Lord renewed His promise to Abraham…and so He did to me too…

I know, often, I get confused and mistake God’s voice with my own voice and desires. I know, that like Sarah, I often try to force my way pretending it is part of God’s plan. I know that many times there is so much noise in my life that I can’t hear God’s whispers. But, I also know that I am where God wants me to be.

The struggles I’ve faced pale in comparison with the rewards…and any regrets I may have are the result of my wounded pride. Panama was home during the first half of my life. Now, home is somewhere else. And for that I am thankful, and I pray I can gain the stability of mind to appreciate it and fully enjoy it.

The rain stopped, we had breakfast, headed to the airport and finally boarded the plane that brought us back to the United States. We are getting back to our routines, feeling tired, but at the same time, filled with a sense of quiet peace that tells us, we are home…praise the Lord!