Last Day of School for the Mom of a Junior in High School

Grant and his best buddy walking around in Time Square, NYC during a band trip...a dream come true for him...a foreshadow of a life to come, perhaps...

This morning I witnessed my sweet boy's last walk to catch the school bus as a junior in High School.  I watched him as he walked all the way up the road in front of our house until he disappeared on the other side of the bend.  The familiar long strides of his legs, his measured pace, hands on the straps of his almost empty backpack, Avengers T-Shirt, jeans and Converse tennis shoes, I wanted to etch that image where it would live forever in a protected corner of my brain...

I fought back tears as I reminded myself that I better cherish these moments for they are dwindling.  Next year, Grant will be a Senior.  That statement says it all.  Any person who has gone through this before knows the avalanche of feelings that very thought provokes in a parent's heart.  Anyone who has seen a child grow up and become an adult knows the melancholy the soul experiences watching them transforming in front of one's eyes...

It is certainly a joy to know they are doing what they are supposed to do:  grow up.  It is also a cause for mixed feelings as the reality of change tinges our spirit with the blue hues of sadness...because it is a change that we are never prepared to face: no more afternoons quietly reading a book in his favorite corner of the house; no more video game marathons with his baby brother; no more watching movies every weekend-night at home; no more Saturday morning leisurely breakfasts; no more rushed mornings, kisses, hugs, blessings and "have a good day at school today" rituals...and who knows what other "no mores" in store...

I still have one more year to delight in my son's last moments of childhood.  I still have one more year before he is in a hurry to leave our home, leave childish ways behind, leave High School, leave us, leave me...but my heart goes out to the Moms out there who today are having their very last day of school with their child...not an easy day at all.

As we contemplate the future of our kids, I lift up a prayer for all parents, that we may rejoice in the knowledge that the Lord has these moments in His hand, and that we may remember that He loves our kids even more than we do.  Therefore, we need not fear what's ahead, for He goes before them and He knows their very step.  He fearfully and carefully made them, and He will never let go...as He never lets go of us either.  We are His precious children, and we know how that feels...we understand what that's like...  Hugs and Amen!

May My Plans Be Your Plans

I fret about everything: 

"The kitchen sink is overflowing with dirty dishes, guys! Do something about it and stop being such pigs!"

Well...I guess that's not so much fretting as just being plain rude and insulting with a double dash of impatient and short-tempered...but, you know what I mean?  Everything is always a big deal: "Where's the remote? UHHHHHHHHHH, we're doomed now!"

Anyway, I lost my point...btw, I also have a hard time focusing...

What I'm trying to say is that my heart is rarely at peace.  My hands are usually sweaty and cold.  My insides are always churning in anticipation for something to happen.  I'm always jumpy.  I don't like surprises.  I like to know how things are going to unfold.  So I try to control things in order to have a semblance of an idea of what's going on and how the future is going to develop.  The problem is...many times, my plans do go as planned!

Big surprise, huh?

Sigh...

The Lord, in His great mercy and patience is, however, not leaving me to my own devices.  He is leading me to a place where I can find rest in Him.  Today, as I'm fretting about a trip (a few trips, actually) God placed a short devotional reading in my hands that goes in line with what He is trying to accomplish in my life:  peace in renewed trust in His plan!

The reading was so impactful to me this morning that I would like to reproduce it here, praying it speaks to you as well:

"Come to Me with your plans held in abeyance.  Worship Me in spirit and in truth, allowing My Glory to permeate your entire being.  Trust Me enough to let Me guide you through this day, accomplishing My purposes in My timing.  Subordinate your myriad plans to My Master Plan.  I Am sovereign over every aspect of your life!

The challenge continually before you is to trust Me and search for My way through each day.  Do not blindly follow your habitual route, or you will miss what I have prepared for you.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." (Sarah Young: Jesus Calling)

I pray, Dear Lord, that You will allow us to abide by You and to continually trust You and Your plan, for Your plan is perfect, even if we don't understand it.  May the Holy Spirit give us understanding and increase our faith.  Amen!

Thank You for My Anxiety

Sweaty palms...increased heart rate...cold feet...shakiness...an overall sense of fear overcoming my mind, soul and body...

I walk down the hallways at work.  I take brisk walks around my neighborhood when it's sunny outside (which is not often enough by any stretch of the imagination).  I watch movies.  I panic-pray...

Sigh...

Panicky prayers race through my mind like watching a Nascar event: speedingly going around in circles and getting nowhere.

Finally, the Lord, in His immense patience and immeasurable love sends me a hint in the form of a devotional reading:  "In your hour of trouble, find the courage to thank Me."

This is the message that finally sinks into my messy heart, and I obey:  "Thank You, Lord, for my moments of anxiety for they allow me to get closer to You.  They point to my constant need for Your presence.  They remind me how desperate I am to feel Your hand in mine.

I know anxiety is a condition that can become debilitating and paralyzing.  I know medication is often the answer.  I have considered it myself, but I have not taken the step yet.  I also know that Jesus said:

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16: 33

Therefore, I believe, that since Jesus is in me and He is victorious, I am a victor by default!  I believe that the momentary problems of this world, are for a purpose and that they point to an eternity of rest under the shadow of the Almighty!

I also know that another thing that Jesus said was: 

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled; do not be afraid. John 14: 27

And I hang onto these words as a liferaft that will keep me afloat in the storm.  

As my heart pace relaxes and the temperature of my feet return to normal...I begin to breathe again.  I know my anxiety is not going to just disappear as if by magic.  But I know that His mercies are new every morning, and this morning I choose to believe Him and His Word, and I thank Him for allowing circumstances in my life that move me closer to Him!

Amen! 

The Lessons of the Gray Days

Wow, isn't it true that you don't know how much you've missed the sun until it comes out again after days of cloudiness, rain and gloom?

I was born and raised in Panama, a country of perpetual heat and sunshine.  It does rain, of course! But most likely, the sun comes right back out after a thunderous "aguacero" or rainstorm.  My hometown is particularly dry.  So, it rains less, and the sun shines more.  Therefore, when I was a young person, I never, rally had a chance to miss the sun.  It was a given.  We don't get to experience much of the long, gray, rainy days of Western PA down in my hometown. So, when I got here, a million years ago...I was...how shall I put it nicely? Surprised, when I would see days without end full of gloom and nothing but clouds in the sky.

Where's the blue? I would ask myself..."if I could just see the blue skies...sigh..."

But, no...when we get the grays...it's never just one day..."I miss the rays!"

There is one thing, though...when you are used to the sun always shining...how do you really know it is actually shining?

Isn't it amazing how nature mirrors life?  God would have it that we could see the cycles of life and the perfect balance of His design in what surrounds us: His creation!  The same way we don't get to miss the sun when we always have it, we don't get to realize our desperate need for His presence and the reality of His arm always around us until we face difficulties in life.  The same way that cloudy, rainy, yuky days help us appreciate the sun when it shines again, troubles in our walk remind us that the best place to be is under the shadow of His wings.

This morning, after days of gray, I looked out the window and I saw the glorious blue skies, painted with shades of white, and the light of the sun reflecting all around, and my soul jumped for joy!  I don't think I never truly experienced the joy of sunshine while I had it plenty back in Panama.  On the contrary, I used to complain it was too hot and the sun too bright...here, however...when I see the sunshine, I feel blessed and my heart is filled with thanksgiving!  Glory to God who makes everything worth the wait!

That's what God's perfect design is supposed to show us: the need for balance in our lives.

Next time I am going through a difficulty in my life...I pray I remember the lesson of the gloomy day:  the clouds come in as a reminder that the sun is right behind, and that He never leaves us.  He is just teaching us to depend on Him and to appreciate Him with all we've got!  The clouds are a sign of balance in nature, and a symbol of God's love and desire for balance in our lives as well.

Mother's Day Blues

Yesterday was Mother's Day in the USA, and as holidays go...this one can be super lovely or super awful.

Thankfully for me, it is lovely because I have two wonderful sons that make my heart beat like a drum.  But I am all too aware of those who experience the sting of loss this day. 

There are many reasons sadness, melancholy, grief and depression may sink in on a day like Mother's Day.  Loss has many shapes.  The most common are:
1. Loss of one's own Mother
2. Loss of a child
3. Loss of the ability of ever having a child
4. Loss of the hope of ever having a child
5. Loss of the hope of ever having a healthy relationship with one's Mother or child'

I know there are many other reasons to experience the Mother's Day Blues...but these are the ones I'm more familiar with, because, one way or another, I've experienced them all.

My Mother has been gone for 19 years.
I once lost a pregnancy that cost me dearly to achieve.
I can't have children anymore...
I once lost the hope of ever having children.
I have someone dear in my life who is trapped in the pit of a toxic relationship with her own Mother.

There isn't much we can do to soothe someone else's hurt and sense of loss when it revolves the area of motherhood...except for loving them.  Showering with love those who are in pain in days like these is the best thing anyone can do.  Manifesting to them the fact that they are not alone by a quiet gesture may bring comfort to someone who feels devastatingly lonely.  Lifting a fervent prayer on their behalf, offering silent company and awareness of our unconditional presence are mighty gifts when we don't know what else to do.

I pray that the loving presence of the Mighty Comforter, the Holy Spirit, is renewed and overwhelmingly evident in the lives of those who, for one reason or another, feel the sting of another Mother's Day...Amen!

Blessed Be His Name!

Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. 2 (This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.) 3 So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.” John 11: 1-3

We studied this passage when we were in the gospel of Luke.  John, however, gives us an important connection:  The unnamed sinful woman in Luke 7:37 is none other than Mary, Lazarus and Martha's sister...

The same Mary who sits by the feet of Jesus instead of helping out her sister Martha (Stewart...just kidding!) is the sinful woman who breaks the alabaster jar which should have been saved as part of her dowry.  John also gives us another piece of the puzzle...she does that after Jesus has brought her brother Lazarus back from the dead.  Therefore, Mary's sacrifice is doubly full of thanksgiving!  She is thankful for the forgiveness of her own sins and also for the Lord's restauration of her family, providing a second chance in life!

It's no wonder, then, that Mary choses to give Jesus the best offering she possesses.  It is an offering of thanksgiving!

Silly and lazy Mary is not so silly and lazy after all, huh?  She knows exactly what she is doing.  She recognizes Jesus is the One that deserves all of her worship and all of her offering.  He is the One who deserves all of her.

How many times have I kept the best of me away from the Lord?

Sigh...

More than I'd care to count...

My selfishness and my insatiable search for comfort keep me from seeing the value in the sacrificial offering.  What more could Mary want?  She doesn't need a husband!  She has Jesus!  She doesn't need to worry about how she will survive.  Jesus gave her Lazarus back!  She doesn't need to wish upon a star.  She has the Bright and Morning Star reclining right there, in her own house!

Why do I hold on to the riches?  Because I forget that they do not belong to me.  I forget the blessing of giving. I forget that what I have been given is the Lord's and that it is my duty to be a good steward, which means that it is my calling to make them available for the furthering of the Kingdom of God, not of the kingdom of Gisela.

I pray that the reality of the presence of Jesus in my life helps me accept that even though, The Lord Gives and Takes Away, my heart will always say:  Blessed be Your Name!

Jesus Speaks to Me!

Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but has crossed over from death to life. John 5: 24

As I am trying to retake my writing, which I have neglected for way too long due to my hectic work life, I was reading through John chapter 5 and the verse above jumped out at me.  I was looking for other encounters between Jesus and women in the gospel...but...reading the words of Jesus made me pause...and I realized that verse 5:24 is, none other, than Jesus' words to me this morning...

The same way that Jesus spoke to women in the physical world back when He walked the dusty roads of Israel a couple of thousands of years ago...He speaks to women today...He speaks to women, including me...

He speaks to women who need to hear His voice.  He speaks to women who are lost.  He speaks to women who feel alone, forgotten, abandoned, left behind, unworthy, insufficient, mediocre, and basically lifeless... He speaks to me and you!

I struggle with those feelings all the time.  My insecurities often throw me into a spin cycle worse than a whirlpool washing machine. At the end of such cycles of self-inflicted mental flagellation I am completely empty, and life seems to come to a stop...sigh...for I am my worst judge...

Then, a verse like John 5: 24 appears in front of my eyes:

Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but has crossed over from death to life.

and...it feels as if Jesus Himself has just breathed life back into my soul!  I'm alive again!  Therefore, I cannot ignore it or pass it over.  I have to pause, inhale it and let it do its work inside of me to restore me.

I want to hear His voice and only His!  I don't want to be distracted, sidetracked or detoured by the voices of this world.  I want to be tuned into the Only Voice that Matters:  The Voice of Truth!  I only want to hear the voice that says: "Come to Me! You don't have to be worthy, because I AM, and I live in you.  You don't have to be enough, because I AM.  You don't have to be insecure because your security is in Me!"

I have crossed over from death to life because Jesus has carried me through!  Therefore, I don't have to live a life of worry and self-hate.  I have to learn how to love, even love myself, because He loved me first.

As the semester comes to an end and the pressures of work are put on hold for a while, I would like to finish exploring Jesus' words to women in the Bible, but I'll mix it in with a return to my mundane musings as they come to me.  The exercise is precious and it often leads me to places I was not expecting, reminding me that it is a good and liberating thing not to be in control of every detail, and not to plan every step.  

See you soon, and have a great day!

My Son is 17 Years Old Today...

When I look at pictures of from when Grant was a little boy, I don't know what to do with myself.  He has changed so much...

I treasure and I believe I really have been able to be present in mind and body all throughout his young life...but...even so...I can't help but feeling guilty for blinking.  It's as if life has slipped away like water through my fingers, without any hope of me being able to stop the wretched flow that transforms my little boy into a grown man...it's like a blessing wrapped into a curse.  Of course we want our kids to grow up and have wonderful, healthy, happy lives...but...that means...we lose them a bit with each passing hour...

With each passing moment, they are closer to leaving us.

Today, as we stand on the day that Grant turns 17 and as he is but a few, short weeks from finishing his 11th grade, the inevitability of him flying away from us becomes a bucket of ice water poured down from above over our heads. 

I look at old pictures and I can't describe what I feel.  All I can say is that tears blur my vision and a tight knot on my throat cuts the air flow into my lungs...

A silent prayer finds its way to heaven...a prayer for a healthy life, a life walking with the Lord and a life I can witness, even if just for a little bit longer.  I pray I can continue to be allowed to walk with my son for many more years to come...somehow...ever thanking God for the gift of his life and the blessings He has showered on me through the life of this boy.  Happy Birthday Grant!

I love you,
Mama