Someone you know faces a tragedy, a life-altering event, a profound loss, a catastrophic circumstance that to them feels as if the floor had been removed from under their feet, leaving them endlessly falling into a bottomless abyss...what do you do? What do you say?
Regardless of how close the person going through the difficult situation is to you...regardless of the depth of the pain experienced...knowing exactly what to do or what to say is not easy. BUT it is crucial. It is crucial that we react with our utmost compassion and overflowing love, because the person going through the incident has a very specific set of needs, that if not met, they can cause lasting hurt that is not easily mended.
I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist or a bereavement expert or anything close to an authority on matters of loss and grief. But, one doesn't have to be to know that how we respond to those who are hurting is extremely important to help them along the process of grieving so they can finally begin to heal. Again, I'm far from a specialist, and all I can do is speak from my own experiences with grief, but there is comfort in knowing that we do not walk alone. Therefore, I believe sharing our experiences can be beneficial to all involved. This is why, when we read chapter 5 in the book Holy Hygge by Jamie Erickson, the facilitators thought it would be important to have a way of communicating our thoughts. Chapter 5 is the chapter dedicated to comfort. And if you are anything like me, that is probably one of your most heavily highlighted chapters, right?
As part of our group reflections on this very special chapter, the facilitators asked participants to answer 2 questions:
1. When I was in need of comfort, I really appreciated it when someone __________________
2. When I was in need of comfort, I wish someone had _______________________________
The questions yielded valuable insight that we would like to lay out here for all to gain more understanding and practical ideas that could help us have some guidance as to what to do or say when confronted with the reality of hurt whether in ourselves or among those around us, and have a clue of how to comfort them.
Among the things that were appreciated we found that receiving cards and frequent notes of encouragement and prayers were common among those who answered the questions. The action of reaching out is the key here. Reaching out to the hurting. The message is: do not let them hurt alone. Prayers are always the most effective responses when in need of comfort. But, perhaps the action of prayer should be accompanied by the action of reaching out and praying with the person. Calling and texting and praying alongside with the one who is going through the difficult situation seemed to be critical responses that were much appreciated.
On this same topic of reaching out, those who shared their answers with us communicated their deep appreciation for hugs. Embracing someone who needs comfort is an act of solidarity that expresses our willingness to be vulnerable right by their side, and maybe a bit further...as we hold each other closely, we communicate our willingness to help carry the hurt. So let's never underestimate the power of a hug.
Listening was another important, highly appreciated element. Sometimes, when we are hurting, some of us prefer to keep it all inside. Talking about our pain with others, however, is crucial to the healing process. It is the escape valve that allows the toxicity of our hurt to exit our soul and our heart and our minds. Therefore, finding that one person we can talk to is key...and if we are that person...knowing how to just be quiet and listen may represent the first step in helping the hurting to begin to heal.
Of course there is a time for everything under the sun, so there is a time to be quiet and listen as well as there is a time to speak. And, among the responses that people appreciated we found that when the hurt involves losing a loved one, they love to hear others talk about their memories of that person with them. From my own experiences with loss, when I hear others talk about my loved ones is like lighting a candle that allows me to see and remember that they were, indeed, real. That it wasn't a dream. My beloved departed really existed and was loved by others beside me. That brings a touch of joy in the midst of my pain.
Visits and meals are high ranking among the responses too. Again, I believe all these practical actions lead to the need to feel connected when we are going through something painful. And for those of us who tend to withdraw...it becomes super valuable and urgent for those around us to reach out and show that they are there...ready to catch us, as the arms and legs of Jesus, Himself...angels among us, bringing us back to the land of the living. And what best to show we are there than to visit and bring some comforting food?
This is a brief summary of the answers to the first question. Let's leave it here today so we can meditate on the ideas that were so candidly shared. In the next message, I will summarize the answers to the second question, to help us be prepared for when we need to be moved to action.
In the meantime, may we remember that our Divine Comforter makes all things new, even in the middle of our bitter seasons of life. May we always remember we do not walk alone. The sustaining presence of the Holy Spirit goes with us as well as those He has placed around us. In the Precious Name of Jesus. Amen!
