Distractions

Distractions...anything could be a distraction.  Bad things, like sinful actions, not only distract us, but actually derail us, causing us to lose our path.  But, not all distractions are sinful actions.  Often, we become distracted by what we consider godly pursuits.  And this is where it gets tricky.

I have been very distracted lately.  Work has been an all consuming distraction that has caused me to neglect most of what is important in my life, including my family...all the way down to this blog.  I have felt as if I could not spare a few minutes of any day to just sit down and quietly meditate on something the Lord has placed in my mind as I write about it.  I have neglected to do the one thing that makes me feel the closest to My Lord...the one thing that feels as if I'm hearing directly from Him...and for what?  I've neglected My God for the world.

Of course, I need to be a good steward of all that God has given me, and that includes my job outside the home.  However, I'm at risk of making it my idol instead of a means to do God's work.  I'm at risk of forgetting the purpose why God gave me this job: to serve Him.  And I'm making it all about myself, my wants and my pride.

I don't want to continue this trend.  I want to be strong enough to say "enough"!  I don't want to be derailed from my walk with Christ.  I don't want to be detached from my mission to my family and to those around me.  I want to be who He says I need to be, and even though I am not 100% sure I truly understand who that person is...I know it is not who I have been lately.

Moses seemed to have been too distracted or too detached to even carry out the most basic commandment the israelites had received from God through Abraham: to circumcise all the males in his household.  This distraction was going to cost him dearly when the Lord sought to include Moses' first born in the group of those sons who would be killed for the disobedience of Pharaoh.  It is a confusing passage in Exodus 4:24, but when we see what Moses' wife, Zipporah does in verses 25-26, we begin to understand what had happened.  She took it upon herself to carry out what Moses failed to do.  She understood the severity of God's words and how it would affect them too...so...the wake up call woke her up enough to take the knife and circumcise her son herself. She realized that the distraction had led them to disobedience and disobedience meant they too were going to pay the price of neglecting the things of God.

Lord, I don't want it to come to that in my life!  I am seeking Your guidance today so I take steps of wisdom back onto the tracks of our walk together.  Please, redirect my path and guide my every step so I can trust I am walking with You, whether at home or at work.  May I have keen eyes to see the road that leads to You.

May the Lord be our GPS!

A Nomadic Spirit

I don't talk about this much, but, I have to admit that the nomadic lifestyle has a certain appeal to me. According to the dictionary, a nomad is someone with no permanent home...and one travels from place to place looking for fresh pasture for their livestock...that last part is very intriguing:  one who travels from place to place looking for fresh pasture...hm...

I wonder if that's where the appeal is for me?  I seem to have a permanent longing for "something else..."  I don't really know what that "something" truly is.  All I know is that, I have a hard time feeling settled.  If I think about it, I truly dislike the idea of "settling."  In my mind, settling means trapped.

My heart grows restless when I feel trapped.  Of course, so does anyone's, right?  The issue with me is that I feel trapped very easily.  Therefore, my heart becomes restless very often.  The result is a person: me, who is never satisfied and content where she is.

Deep sigh...

I waste too much time thinking about our next move.  I spend too much money planning our next vacation.  I invest too much energy manipulating events and people to fulfill my longing for the next adventure.  Unlike some, I don't dream of a "forever home."  I dream of a life on the go, or at least, a life with different places to go to: an oceanfront condo in a tropical island, an apartment in the city, a cabin in the mountains, a house by the lake, and an RV to run around when I get bored.

I want to be a nomad...always looking for fresher pasture...

The thing is, the fresh pasture never lasts.  Therefore, the moving never stops.  And the soul begins to wither...and the soul that withers fails to see the beauty around her.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3: 11

That is my problem, I am so focused on the next best thing, that I fail to appreciate that God has surrounded me with beauty...and that the longing and the restlessness of my heart are not for any particular and exquisite place here on earth...but for eternity.  I'm, indeed, not looking for a forever home.  I'm seeking for my eternal dwelling, which I can only find in the One who Created me.

In the meantime, not much unlike Joseph, Jacob's beloved son, I will have to make due with the circumstances I am dealt with here in this material life.  Whether a favorite son, a hated brother, an incarcerated slave, the object of lust or the second in command of a great empire, Joseph stayed true to The Lord, and The Lord gave his heart comfort, strength and contentment everywhere he went.  

That's what I need.  I need to seek the shelter of God's embrace and trust His plan wherever I am.  I need to trust that He's got me and that I am not trapped.  Though, I will never be able to fathom all He has done from beginning to end while I am still on this earth...I must know that He's holding me by His right hand, and will never let me go.

I'm not sure if my nomadic spirit will ever find comfort in settling on one place for good.  But I do pray the Holy Spirit will go with me and bring me contentment in every situation...making me realize that there's nothing wrong with my pastures, even if they don't look as fresh as the one further ahead...Amen!

The Perfect Song

I don't know about you, but I love music.  I remember, as a teenager, music was my refuge.  I felt very lonely all the time in my adolescence...so, music was my constant companion.  The songs on the radio provided an escape and gave me a place to go in my imagination.  Life always had a background song back then.  I had a very eclectic taste, so I enjoyed music even if I didn't understand the lyrics.  I remember spending hours upon hours trying to figure out the words of my favorite American songs so I could look them up on the dictionary and see if I could piece together the lyrics as in a puzzle.  Most of the time, I only was able to get a line in the chorus or the hook...kids have no idea how easy they have it now with the Internet...

It took me years, until my English was decent enough to go back and finally understand that the 1984 song "Missing You" by John Waite had the word "ain't" in it, which gave a whole other twist to the story and made me like it even more (though, I also learned that we ain't supposed to use ain't).

Songs were and continue to be an important part of my life.  They transport me and give me joy.  They accompany me when I'm alone.  They don't judge me.  They are always there when I need them.  They offer me what I want...which usually means a safe place to land when I'm feeling the hardships of life pile up on my road...

So, today, when I read Isaiah 12: 2...you can imagine how I paused at the sight of the word "song."

"Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; For the LORD GOD is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation."

I usually read an NIV Bible, and unfortunately, this translation does not contain the word "song," but rather, it uses the word "defense" instead.  How shocking!  Why?  It is, in my humble opinion, so much richer to read that the Lord God is my "strength and my song"!  I totally get it!  He is "My Song!"  WOW...mind blowing...

The Lord God is the Song I've been waiting for my whole life!

He is the One Song that I never played, but that was always there...waiting for me to discover Him...hidden on the back of the shelf...collecting dust.  He is the One Song in my playlist that I never downloaded, and one day plays back in the shuffle...amazingly unexpected...wonderfully soothing...endlessly loving.

He is the Perfect Song.  He is the Song that brings me peace and comfort when I am feeling low.  He is the Song that offers me company when I'm alone.  He is the Song that doesn't reject me when the whole world things I'm nothing.  He is the Song that doesn't judge me when I am weak.  He is the Song that makes me strong.  He is the Song that moves me and encourages me, when I don't know the point of living.

All along the road of my life His Presence has been my sound track...and today, I just pray that I can have the ears to hear and the heart to tune in, for the Lord God is my Salvation, my Strength...My Song!

Feeling Superior?

Do you sometimes, look at the women in the Bible and feel all superior, and stuff? or is it just me?  You know what I mean?  For example, say...reading through Genesis, it's easy to think of women like Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, Potiphar's wife, etc. as plotting, conniving, manipulative, and all around just not very godly people.  Am I right?  It's easy to compare myself to them and start feeling all self-righteous and stuff...the truth, however, is...that I am not all that different from them...not even a little bit...

Sigh...

Lately, I've been going through situations in my workplace which are showing me that I have nothing to feel proud of when it comes to my behavior.  The way I have been reacting to these situations is very revealing of who I really am...and I'm not liking what is been revealed.  The layers are peeling and I'm finding out I'm just an ugly, smelly onion that makes people want to cry.

How many times have I rolled my eyes at Sara and Rebecca for trying to "fix" things?  Or, how about the fact that it always seems to catch me by surprise that Rachel kept hanging on to her family's idols, even after witnessing God's presence and favor?  And that darn Potiphar's wife...Mercy me!  But then...I missed the point of Scripture: to make it clear and evident that there isn't anyone righteous...not even one...not even me.

Perhaps, the scenarios are different: workplace instead of home; but the situation is all too similar:  status and pride.  The idols?  They're there too.  They might not be figurines I can hide under my skirt when I sit on the ground, but they're idols nonetheless.  Ruining someone's life and reputation? Gossiping could do just that.  And I am just as wretched as my sisters in Genesis.

I don't know how to get out of this cycle of darkness I find myself in now...I can't do it on my own.  But I pray the Holy Spirit helps me to start taking the first steps toward an attitude of humility, and helps me stop and change the course I'm on.  It doesn't have to be a huge statement.  It could be small things like, putting the phone away so I don't jump into gossipy replies as soon as I get text message alerts.  I don't have to make a proclamation.  It can be just as simple as keeping my mouth shut and just doing my work.  It doesn't have to be a total makeover show.  It can just be a decision that would bring me back to liking the person I see on the mirror again.

Reading about the women in the Bible, particularly in Genesis is teaching me to read myself and realize I need just as much forgiveness and grace as they do...if not even more.

May the Holy Spirit guide us to walk the path of His righteousness as we humble ourselves in His presence.

Impatience-Driven Decision Making

Is impatience ever a virtue?  Well...I doubt it, being that the complete opposite: patience is a fruit of the Spirit, I'd imagine impatience is never justifiable.  I mean, impatience by itself is not the problem.  The issue is the crazy stuff we do when we are being impatient. 

Most of my worst decisions have been made because I acted on impulse as the result of being impatient, and refusing to wait.  The reason I know this is because, inevitably, after I have made the rash decision to act on my impatience, I realize, had I just waited a second longer, things would have turned out way better.  From mundane decisions: I'm so hungry, I can't wait, let me just stuff my face with this junk, to work decisions: I'm so afraid I'm not going to get that appointment to teach another year, let me take this other crappy job so at least I have something and I don't have to sit and wait; to other life-changing decisions: I'm just going to manipulate this situation so I can get what I want NOW...I have a history of bad decision-making due to my aversion to waiting.

I mean, I can't be the only person in the world who dislikes waiting, am I?  I doubt it.  Really, all I have to do is look at the first book in the Bible and plenty of examples of impatience-driven decision making are on display.  Sarah, however, is one that...I don't even have the words to describe her.  I mean, just one chapter after Abraham (who was still Abram) received the promised from the LORD Himself: 4 Then the word of the Lord came to him: “This man will not be your heir, but a son who is your own flesh and blood will be your heir.” 5 He took him outside and said, “Look up at the sky and count the stars—if indeed you can count them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” Genesis 15: 4-5  Sarah (still Sarai), decided that she didn't need to wait for the Lord to fulfill His promise.  She would just take care of it right away by giving her Egyptian servant, Hagar, to Abraham in order to have children and build her family through her.  I mean...really?!

This is probably the queen of all impatience-driven decisions in the history of the world.  So much so that we are still suffering its consequences all these many centuries later...well, if we don't count Eve's taking the forbidden fruit and eating of it in the Garden of Eden as an impatience-driven decision...I think of it more as a pride-driven one, since I believe she was intrigued by the idea of being all-knowledgeable, like God.  But, what about Lot's daughters after the Lord rescued them from the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, huh?  I don't even want to go there, but you can if you'd like, in Genesis 19: 30-38. 

At any rate...I look at these women's decision making process and shudder in disgust.  But...am I really that different from them?

Impatience implies a certain lack of faith...a lack of trust in the Lord that whether of Biblical proportions consequences or just minor misalignments, they all speak of a soul and a heart which are yet to find refuge under the wings of the Almighty.

Is patience ever a virtue? The answer is no, because it thwarts and squashes the actual quality we are called to display.  I've been ashamed of so many of my choices...I am tired of it.  I want to be intentional about fully relying on God this year in order to allow the Holy Spirit to grow and mature His fruit of patience in me...before I sink into an ocean of deep regret, and drown in the suffocating waters of the impatience-driven decisions I may continue to make.  Amen...

Leaving Ur

The house where I grew up in Panama.

The LORD had said to Abram, "Go from your country, your people and your father's household to the land I will show you. Genesis 12: 1

This passage always gets me...it touches me very deeply because I identify with the scenario fully.  I too, was called to leave my own "Ur" behind...and I did...

Without trepidation or hesitation, I just did.  I knew I had to.  One of my dear friends had applied for a full-ride scholarship to go to college in the United States and won it, so the next year, I did it too.  Winning that scholarship was the way God materialized His call...and over thirty years later, here I am, in my own personal land of milk and honey.

As I read the passage again, I remembered, not long ago, writing about this.  I visited that post and it all stands true today still, so I copied below some excerpts of the musings I published back in 2018, which I called:

Restless Soul

I have to say that dear, old Abe is a very intriguing person to me. I absolutely love the passage where God calls him out of Ur. I love Abraham's resolve to obey God and leave the only place he had ever called home, even when the destination was completely unknown.

There is something terribly romantic about that, in my opinion.

And the reason I find it romantic, I think, is because I can identify with the idea of leaving home...and everything one has ever known, to go to a place that you haven't even heard of before.

My journey certainly did not impact the history of the world or the salvation of the people of God...I didn't become the Mother of the three major world religions or anything like that...but it did involve a change in my personal history and the bursting of my own little bubble. I didn't pack camels and take the whole family with me. In two suitcases I carried what I could fit, completely ignorant of how ill-prepared I was for my future, most of all, for the insane Western PA winters.

Sigh...

It's been almost 30 years, but I still don't know the full extent this experience will finally have in my life or the lives of those whom I have met along my journey. But one thing I do know... the journey has left me with a restless soul.

For instance, as we consider the difference of a life "settled" and a life as a nomad, dwelling in tents, I can't help but thinking how appealing the wandering life-style sounds to me. I love the idea of camping. I'm obsessed with looking at real estate listings, always looking for a potential new house.  The thought of constantly moving fascinates me.  I often say things like: "let's sell everything, buy an RV and go travel everywhere!" My family ignores me, and chalks it all up to me being insane.  But, the truth is...I am not joking!  Deep inside I have a distaste...a fear, perhaps, of settling...of growing roots...of becoming so accustomed and comfortable in one place that I get stale or way too attached.

I get restless when I am in the same place for too long. I don't like the idea of "settling." I'm afraid of the concept because...if I'm honest with myself, I'm afraid of losing...probably not so much of losing my freedom...but, of losing the place where I've settled. I'm afraid I will fall in love with it so much, that one day I would not want to leave it, but someone of something will come in and take it away from me...and my heart would ache so much I couldn't bear it...like it has already happened when I lost my childhood home in Panama...and now is out of my reach forever.

I loved my parents' house. I loved everything about it. I loved my bed. I loved the way the wind moved the curtains in my room on a breezy day. I loved the cool, old-fashion tile on the floor. I loved staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out shapes on the wood beams. I loved the little patio off the kitchen where I spent endless hours, days, weeks, months and years hanging out with Rosa while she sat at her sewing machine, cooked, washed clothes, or just spent time talking to me about nothing important in-between chores. I loved reclining on a "taburete" and just letting my mind wander at the sound of the rustling leaves in a hot summer afternoon.  I loved the yard full of fruit trees. I even loved the ugly pepto bismol shade of pink in my bathroom... it just added to the overall vintage-feel of the entire house... I loved the smells, the sights, the sounds.  I loved it all and I felt loved every day I was there.

I never imagined, in my wildest dreams...that one day, that would not be my home anymore. I never expected that the grand gate at the bottom of the hilly driveway, which so many nights I shut and locked, would be one day, shut and locked in front of my face, while standing on the other side of the fence, perhaps forever...but that is the way things are today, and it is very hard to reconcile.

It's no wonder that a tent might sound suitable. After all, you can pack it up and take it with you everywhere you go... I can drive my house around if I live in an RV. I can go to the beach and to the mountains, and my house will follow me! How convenient!

But that's not what I'm supposed to do. Deep down, I know it, and I accept it...but it scares me.

I wonder if Abraham ever felt homesick for Ur?  I wonder if in his wandering years of looking at the stars and pondering what the Lord told him about being the father of countless generations, he ever thought about going back to the place where he came from?

I think about moving back to Panama often.  Retiring there is one of my dreams.  I don't know if it will happen.  But, one thing I know: it won't happen soon.

God called me out of my Ur many years ago, and even though I didn't know where I was going, it ended up being my own personal land of milk and honey... so, if I am supposed to learn something out of this whole thing, I pray it may be that no matter what happens, God loves me, and regardless of where He calls me to, He will go before me, and He will take care of all my needs...here, there and everywhere.

May He give me rest and peace to trust in Him.

Beauty out of Ashes

God can work greatness out of messes, beauty out of ashes...I love to think about this. This promise is one of my favorite because it gives me hope.  I look at my life, and the trail of messes and ashes I've left behind so far is too noticeable for me to be able to hide.  Therefore, reading and pondering what Isaiah says in chapter 61 gives me the necessary boost to keep on going trusting that My Lord is by my side,

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty,

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.  (Isaiah 61: 1-3)

In a day in age when the news ressemble, perhaps, those that might have been reported by the town crier in Sodom and Gomorrah, we tend to despair.  The world seems to be sinking in its own filth, and the people of God don't know what to do.  Brothers against brothers, sisters against sisters, parents against children, children against parents, parents against parents, nations against nations, how is it all going to end?

The fallen state of humanity is really evident, and we think it's the worst it's ever been...but, is it?  Isn't it just a case of how history repeats?  Ever since Genesis, right after the Lord declared His creation as "Good" it all seemed to have been steadily going downhill...or is it that it sank into the abyss at once, and it has not climbed out, but just seen moments when the rays of light have reached the bottom with its brightness making us think we are ascending, only to find out we are still in the darkness of the pit...?

I know...I've woken up in a fun mood today, haven't I?  Actually, I have!  That's why I want to focus my eyes on the promise of hope in Isaiah rather than on the self-inflicted destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.  I want to hang on to the Word that says that "the Spirit of the Lord is on me!  I hold on for dear life to the truth that proclaims "freedom for the captives, release from darkness, comfort for all who mourn and a crown of beauty instead of ashes" for all who seek Him!

I'm looking forward to living the life of the redeemed rather than the life of the lost...for I am an oak of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor by the grace and mercy of My Lord, Jesus, the Christ and Savior of my soul!  He is a miracle worker, thus, He will know how to turn my ashes into beauty...my messes into greatness...my Sodom and Gomorrah into the New Jerusalem, His Holy Land...in His Precious Name. Amen!