Contentment as the Antidote of Insecurity??

"Please, Mama, please, I need it!  All my friends are reading this book.  I want to read it too, please!  It would be a great Easter present...you know?  Easter basket?" I remember Dylan pleading with me for days. I felt guilty.  I mean, after all, it was a book.  A BOOK!  Dylan has never pleaded for a book.  So finally, about one week before Easter, while we were doing errands, I told him I would get him the book. We were at the Mall getting something else, but as soon as Dylan saw the bookstore, he asked to go in there to check if they had the book he wanted.  Again, I'm like, "c'mon, it's a book...go in there..." so in we went.  Of course, Dylan found the book right away.  I turned it over to see the price:  "WHAT!?  No way!  We'll get it at Walmart"  I said, thinking to myself: "no wonder bookstores are becoming a thing of the past."  Immediately, Dylan complained:  "But, Mama, they don't have it at Walmart!"  I was like, I KNOW I've seen that book in Walmart, but I double checked with Grant anyway.  He concurred.  "I'm not paying double for this book in here."  We are heading that way anyway, so it'll only be a few minutes.  I felt very smart...except...yeah, you guessed it:  they didn't have it in Walmart...sigh...

Well, I'm sure you can figure out what happened next: I went back to the bookstore at the Mall and bought the overpriced version of the book so Dylan would have it in his Easter Basket in a few days.

However, that's not the end of the story...nor my point in telling it.  The thing is that when Dylan finally got the book, he was, indeed, very enthusiastic about reading it.  He even took it with him to school (so his friends would see that he was also reading this most fascinating page-turner).  Inevitably, after a few days, the book ceased to be in Dylan's hands anymore.  He had replaced it with a video game controller...surprise, surprise...

Days became weeks.  Weeks became months.  School was out.  Summer vacation began.  "Well Dylan, I think this is a great opportunity for you to finally finish reading your book.  So go get it, leave it here where you can see it, that way you'll remember to do a little reading every day," I said, feeling like I was one of those seriously organized, awesome Moms that actually have a meticulously designed plan for their children's brain not to turn into mush during the summer months (I still can't believe that there are Moms like that...WOW...hats off to you if you are one of them...). 

"I ... don't know... where the book is..." Dylan replied, with a hesitation that mascaraded the fear he must have been feeling inside in anticipation of my wrath. 

I'm not going to narrate what happened next...just suffice it to say there's still a cloud of very dark smoke hovering above our house yet to be blown away...

This incident came to my mind when thinking about the idea that contentment could be a sort of antidote against insecurity. 

I mean, really!  If I think about it, the only reason Dylan (for whom books are almost like an allergen) wanted to get that book so desperately was not because he wanted to actually read it.  He just wanted his friends to believe he was reading it.  He has had the blessing of finding a really great group of kids at school who are into reading and getting good grades!  So Dylan, someone who legitimately struggles academically, wants to fit in with this group, but he feels insecure...he feels inadequate...he feels like he is not good enough. He, then obviously thought that if he was seen carrying the book around and reading a few pages at school here and there, his friends would consider him just as smart as they are...because Dylan feels that he is not...he has self-doubts about his own intelligence...about his own worth...sigh...

Dylan hasn't found contentment in who he is.  He is trying to live to the expectations of others, and above all, he is trying to live up to the expectations that he has of himself.  He is trying to fit into his self-created image.

My son is still a kid. He is a boy soon to be entering adolescence.  Of course his insecurities are at his highest.  Of course I can't be mad at him for feeling that way.  Of course, I can't expect that he is going to do a deep introspection of the situation and conclude that he needs to find contentment with who he is as he lets go of the fantasy image he has designed of himself.  But, what about me?  I do the same thing Dylan does all the time...and I'm FAR from being just a little girl.  Why can't I find contentment in who I am rather than striving to be whom I'm not?  Why can't I be contented with God's design?

Well, this is as far as I've gotten in my meditation on how contentment could cure or at least, greatly diminish my insecurities.  I'll continue praying and I'll let you know what else comes to mind soon.  Please think about it too!