Be a Colander Not a Bowl

"Mom, you know that you can choose not to get mad, right?"  Grant said this to me the other day after one of my routine displays of hysterics in the car about something that irritated me, which I can't even remember what it was.  He wants to be a counselor...I guess he might be into something here...

Then, shortly after, while I was becoming irritated at who knows what, Dan said to me:  "be a colander not a bowl."

I was like, "what?!  So now I'm a bull?!" I got so irritated thinking he had called me a "bull."  He's like, "a bowl, B.O.W.L." So I got more irritated now thinking he was insinuating I was fat!  So he proceeded to explain:  "Be a colander, let things sift through so they don't irritate you, instead of collecting every single irritating thing so you can be mad at everything."  Well, now I was REALLY irritated because what he said made a lot of sense...he was right...and I was wrong...and that makes me furious!

Sigh...

There are crazy elements in my bowl: I have an insane amount of pride mixed in with a high dose of insecurity.  This is a very volatile and extremely flammable combination that makes the person super unstable. In my bowl, I collect all irritating things so I can carefully dissect them to make sure I confirm the fact that I was right to be irritated.  In that bowl I catch all my triggers.  The thing is, my triggers are pulled by perception...which is a dangerously subjective way to become trigger-happy.  The incident doesn't even have to be real.  I just have to perceive it as real, and the trigger is pulled...and I become a mutant Hulk-cowgirl.  The one perception that causes an instant finger on the irritation trigger is when I sense that others might be disrespecting me...it triggers my insecurity that makes me believe that I'm really not worthy of anyone's respect, so my pride is hurt then, my thwarted perception pulls the trigger:

*Car cuts in front of me on the road...BAM!
*Person in line in front of me strikes a personal conversation with the cashier...BOOM
*Drivers block me while they chit chat from car to car (works the same at the grocery store when two customers with carts decide to block the isle while they have a fun conversation)...POW
*People going the wrong way at the grocery store during social distancing...KAPOW
*Neighbor turning my backyard on his giant dog's personal toilet every morning and evening...BANG
*Co-workers thinking they can outsmart me and make me look bad in front of the boss....GROWL
*Co-workers thinking they can get away with doing nothing while I kill myself trying to get things done...ROAR
*Kids not obeying instantly...WHAM
*Husband not doing what I asked...ZING
*Dog thinking he's my boss...ZAP
*People thinking they can do what they want...SNAP
*Life showing me I'm not in control...BAM! BOOM! POW!

Anyway...sigh...my pride makes me think too highly of myself and my insecurity makes me hate myself when I find out that the world doesn't respect me enough because I'm really not all that...

I forget that life is not about me.  I forget that the purpose of my existence is to follow Jesus.  I forget that all that is required of me is to: act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with my God. (Micah 6: 8)

I love the Amplified Version of this verse:

He has told you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you Except to be just, and to love [and to diligently practice] kindness (compassion), And to walk humbly with your God [setting aside any overblown sense of importance or self-righteousness]? Micah 6: 8

I especially love the last sentence in brackets.  It is time I set aside my overblown sense of importance...It's time to really pray for humility and for the Holy Spirit to grow the fruit of self-control in my soul.  I really do not want to be a grumpy old-lady.  I want to be humble enough to accept the fact that it is OK not to be perfect.  I want to be humble enough to accept that I do not have to be "all that." I want to be secured enough to know that my sense of worth comes from who I am in the Lord.

The quicker I accept my reality with humility, the quicker I would stop being mad at the world...the quicker I would become more of a colander and stop being such a big bowl.