WARNING: Melancholic Emotions Ahead

The gloomy-grey of the morning sky is very fitting today...it perfectly reflects the way my heart feels.  Today was the original day when Grant's commencement ceremony would have taken place.  And of course, there's nothing going on.  Two days ago he received his diploma, cap & gown by the curbside.  No fanfare...no "Pomp and Circumstance" playing in the background...no cheers...no handshakes and pats on the back...no flipping of the tassle... no tossing of the cap... no celebration... but plenty of weepy Mom.

I can't even think about this without feeling the knot in my throat tighten and the tears in my eyes burning.  But it's not about the loss of the festivities...really...it's more about the knowledge that life will never be the same.  High School graduation represents the first step into a process of letting go that feels more like a voodoo ceremony where someone rips one's heart right out of the chest and eats it in front of you while you bleed out helplessly...

I know, drama-queen 101, right?  Get a grip! You're not the only Mother ever to go through this.  Your pain is insignificant when compared to the real pain others have to go through.  You're pathetic.  Well, what can I tell you? Yes, perhaps, I am...I'm a wimp.  I'm a softy.  I don't know.  The only thing I know is that being a Mother is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life so far...and I'm guessing, it's not about to get any easier.

The depth of my weakness and my neediness can only be withstand by the One Who Sustains me.  He is the One who truly sees me and understands the source of my pain.  He is the Only One who could carry it for me and give me the respite I long for.  He is the cool breeze that soothes me.  He is the comfy blanket that embraces me.  He is the strong arm that comforts me.

And this morning is no difference, as He speaks to me through the readings to which He leads me:

"I know precisely what you need to draw nearer to Me.  Go through each day looking for what I have prepared for you.  Accept every event as My hand-tailored provision for your needs.  When you view your life this way, the most reasonable response is to be thankful.  Do not reject any of My gifts; find Me in every situation." (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

He knows that what I need is Him...so He draws me nearer still by nudging me towards what I must do:  fix my eyes upon His Face.

I open the windows and let the soft breeze come in so I can breathe!  I take another look at the source of my melancholic mood and I find the blessing that it is to be able to feel this way.  The only reason I feel the way I feel today is because God gave me a son named Grant who has been a conduit to His joy ever since he was conceived.  Grant is one of God's amazing gifts to my life...a life that otherwise would had been empty...like my womb was... The reason I feel like my heart is about to be ripped out of my chest is because God blessed me with a son who helps my heart still beat, and he is healthy and able to go on with his life wherever it may take him.  The reason I feel like life will never be the same is because, PRAISE THE LORD it never will!  Grant has the means to move on and go seek God's path guided by His Light!  The reason I can't think about all these without crying is because this is exactly the way that it is supposed to be happening...otherwise...it would mean I have nothing to be sad about...which is sad in all that it implies.

He is showing me the "hand-tailored provision" of my needs.  I'm not going to reject His gifts.  I'm going to embrace this moment in my life and express my eternal gratitude and thanksgiving for the blessing of having allowed me to experience this very situation...the very nature of which, makes it unforgettable.

So...welcome melancholy!  I'm glad you're here! 

May the Lord show His Presence to all Mothers of Seniors during this season of letting go.  May the Holy Spirit show us the path and give us and our children all we need to make the best out of the blessings we've received.  May God's Light shine on the path that they will now have to walk.  And may the Holy Trinity strengthen us as we fix our eyes upon Jesus the Sustainer of our lives.  In His Precious Name I pray.  Amen!