Fierce

Grant:  hey Mom, you know? K-Love was asking people to describe their Mom's in 1 word.  I wrote my word and got tons of likes.
Me:      O no...what word did you write?
Grant:   "Fierce."
Me:       silence...sigh...silence

As I continue to explore the book of Numbers in the Old Testament, I find it ironic that one of my least favorite books of the Bible contains one of my favorite stories:  Exploring Canaan.

Numbers 13 tells us about the time when God asked Moses to send a representative from each ancestral tribe to survey the land of promise.  As we may remember, the men went and after 40 days in Canaan, came back to camp and gave their report:  yes, the land is certainly amazing, flowing with milk and honey, capable of producing larger than normal fruit, BUT...it is also heavily fortified and not only that, but the people themselves are "stronger than we are," the scouts said. And also,  they said, “The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size. We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them.” (Numbers 13: 32-33)

Isn't that the case that "in our own eyes" it's easy to identify with the israelites?  At least, for me, it has often been possible to identify with them as I see myself as the grasshopper. 

However, have you ever seen yourself as the giant?

Have you ever seen yourself, "in your own eyes" as the giant among grasshoppers?

I have to admit that lately...very recently...I believe God has been removing the veil from my eyes, giving me a clearer understanding of my situation at the moment.  And, perhaps, what He has been telling me through the discomfort I've been experiencing is that...today, I might be the giant.  I might be the Nephilim to those around me...While they feel like the grasshoppers who retreat in fear of what I might do to them, I stand taller than ever, imposing my inflexible presence, ideas, values, plans, goals, ways with little regard of what others may think, need or want.

In my prideful nature, I secretly and often, not so secretly, embrace the adjective that my son gave me:  fierce.  "I want to be feared not liked" I said once...more than once, really.  The definition of fierce, however is not a flattering one:  having or displaying an intense or ferocious aggressiveness...but it is consistent with who I am.  And it is a cause of shame today...as I realize that such aggressiveness could be used for things less than holy.  The same intensity I can display for the Kingdom of God, I can also display for the kingdom of self.  The same ferocious aggressiveness I can have for defending what I consider the right thing and the right cause, I can also have to destroy and devour those whom I perceive as being on the wrong side, defending the wrong cause and doing the wrong things.  Fierce throws compassion out the wagon and pushes through blindly pulling ahead, regardless of who gets crushed.

That's who I am.  That's my nature...when left untamed...when having no Lord other than myself.

I'm in a place of abundance, surrounded by many who have nothing...and I dare to complain.  I'm just like the Israelites who were never satisfied even thought they lived and walked in the Presence of God.  I'm the Israelite who didn't realize that there's no need to fear, plot and manipulate for we are truly the giants as we are backed by the One Who Defeats All Giants. 

I don't need to be the freight train or the tornado or the "she Hulk" that indiscriminately smashes all that is on her way.  I can actually just  "act justly and ... love mercy and ... walk humbly with [My] God." (Micah 6:8) And leave the rest in His Hands instead of getting mine dirty with the mud of regret and shame.

I don't want to be fierce...I want to be humble...I don't know that Grant will ever see me as such.  My prayer is that someday, God does.

May my failures to be who God wants me to be today, transform me into who I am supposed to be tomorrow.  May a sense of humility that destroys my pride, allow me to realize that I am nothing without Him.  In the Precious Name of Jesus, My Lord and Savior.  Amen!