The Rush of Days

Are you often so busy that life seems to be passing you by at the speed of light?  Do you ever feel as if time is just slipping away?

I feel like that.  And I don't like it!

I want to savor the days.  I want to enjoy the moments.  I want to set aside time to speak and to listen to God.  I want to pause and listen to my children's laughter while I still can.  I want to pet my dog and enjoy a nice walk with my husband.  I want to look at the sky and marvel at God's creation.

Mostly, however, I rush through hallways as blurry faces hurry by.  I look at the pavement and drag a heavy load in my arms.  I speed through the streets and sigh in frustration when trapped in traffic.  I speak harsh words and stare at watches and clocks.  I tap my fingers and shake my legs in restlessness.  I listen little and push around. 

I blink, and there isn't even the vapor of the days left behind.

I don't even know where the years have gone?  Today was the first Halloween neither of my kids went trick or treating!  That, to me, was a big blow!  A reality hit in the face that woke me up to the fact that my boys are not little anymore...what in the world?  How did that happen?

In the busyness of my days I'm afraid, I'm weaving an entrapment of my own, which threatens to rob me of my ability to redeem the times.  The days are evil, and I am to make the most of my time. (Ephesians 5: 16)  But that doesn't mean running around like a crazy woman or becoming a workaholic.  It means, being wise at how I spend my hours.  It means allocating my precious moments to what truly matters.  It means spending time in God's presence and enjoying the abundant life He has provided.

When I forget and take my eyes off of eternity, my life becomes chaotic and senseless.  But the Lord is Good all the time.  He loves me.  He loves you.  And in His infinite love and compassion, He renews His mercies every morning.  Therefore, each day presents a new opportunity to refresh our resolve to be grateful for the day He has made and to rejoice in it, in all of it!  May Our Merciful Jesus guide us on the path of redeeming our time.  May our lives pay tribute to His presence.  So the moments that together make up our lives be spent in His Grace and in His Love.

Is It Truly Possible to Have an Enjoyable Ride?

A few years ago, one of my dear sisters in law told me that I needed to just chill and "enjoy the ride." 

To tell you the truth, I've never known how to do such a thing. 

Sigh...

The other day, as I was on a plane coming back from a work trip, I started thinking about how much I detest air-travel.  The whole thing makes me really anxious.  From packing, to going through security, to dealing with delays...the whole thing is a nightmare.  The worst part for me is the actual flying.  I have to kind of suspend my disbelief in order to get on board of a plane...because...if I truly think about what I am doing...I would panic!  I mean, really...flying???  Who ever thought that was a good idea?  55 thousand feet up in the air without anything to catch you if something goes wrong!  'Comon!?

Sigh...

So, I try not to think about it.  It is easier if I'm traveling with someone else, because I could get distracted in mindless chatting.  Cruising altitude...nice and smooth...good conversation...no problem!  Until the darn turbulence hits!

It's like I've forgotten where I am, and the bump just slaps me on the face to wake up! 

That's how I feel about life.  Just when I feel like I'm cruising...attempting to enjoy the ride...a bump literally pops up and disrupts any semblance of balance.

How am I supposed to enjoy the ride if the pesky bumps keep showing up when I least expect them?

Big pause...

Perhaps, the key is in what Scripture tells us:  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." (Psalm 37: 4-6) And that, "for those who love God all things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8: 28)  "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29: 11) Therefore, I just need to "Be still" and know that He is God! (Psalm 46: 10).

I have to admit, that up until today, I always thought the expression, "enjoy the ride" was a call to a completely, carefree-existence, where problems were not part of the road being traveled and if there were problems, they were easily ignored. That's not what the pieces of Scripture above imply, though.  In each of these examples of biblical wisdom, the message between the lines is, that we need to intentionally choose to have a transformation of the way we view things/problems/circumstances in life. 

Don't lean on your own understanding kind of says, that your understanding of the current situation is flawed.  Therefore, if you follow it, it will lead you to the wrong conclusions.  The situation is bad, so don't look at it from your own perspective.  Lean on God's! 

All things work together for good is implying that, even though all things might not be good, trust that He will make them work for good in the end.

In Jeremiah's 29: 11, God invites us to place our trust in His plan, and to believe that it is good.  If it was obviously good to the human perception, He would not have to emphasize that it is good, would He?

And, the call to being still is the ultimate "calm down!" expression in which God is basically saying, I know, things don't look good from your eyes, but let me be God!  I can handle it.  You just sit still and wait.

Sigh...

Maybe, the expression, "enjoy the ride" means that we need to learn how to discover the beauty of everything that is part of the ride of life, including the bumps... 

Sigh...

I don't like it when my cruising hits rough spots.  But I pray that the Holy Captain of my flight of life helps me to trust Him fully, for He knows what He is doing and I'm in the best of hands.

Happy Birthday Dylan!

I can't believe, today, I officially have 2 teens at home.  My baby...Dylan, the one I, for some strange reason thought was going to remain a bouncy toddler forever, has reached that age of discovery and excitement which kids anxiously anticipate and parents absolutely dread. 

I remember when he came to our lives...I felt so inadequately prepared to take care of that chubby, black-haired beauty, I didn't know what to do.  He had needs I didn't know about.  He had challenges I didn't begin to understand.  I had shortcomings I wasn't aware of.  I had issues I didn't want to face.  Over the years, life with Dylan has been a complete adventure...a day-by-day learning experience...a journey I was not prepared for...

When we heard the calling to adopt, we pursued it with all our might.  We jumped the hurdles. We completed the paperwork. We took on the financial burden. We moved ahead month after month, year after year, because we knew this was the path we were called to walk.  Then, reality hit:  life would never be the same once our treasured beloved came home. 

It reminds me a little of life as a Christian.  We hear the calling...a calling that we can't resist, so we answer it wholeheartedly, only to find out later that answering it represents a new life, a different way of walking, a whole other perspective invading our soul.

And it's all good!  Until we get to a moment of truth when we stand face to face with the enemy, and his deceptive arguments, like flaming darts, start piercing our heart and shaking us to the core.  As each lie of the devil finds its way into our mind, we start missing our old ways.  We start feeling overcome by our insecurities.  We begin to feel defeated by our sense of inadequacy.  We simply allow ourselves to be deceived by the flawed claims of the one who wants to steal and destroy our souls...and we fall to the ground or hide from the One, the Only One who could sustain us and restore us.

At that point, in the darkness of our own self-pity and guilt, we have two choices:  embrace defeat or embrace the open arms of Jesus.  Often, I have chosen to wallow in sorrow and remain in darkness, hearing the lies of the enemy using my insecurities as a gong in my head that I cannot silence.  But, the grace of Christ is stronger than my own desire to self-destruct, and unfailingly, faithfully and lovingly, He grabs me and pulls me up from the mud so I can stand on my feet again.

Little by little, Jesus has showed me the new way.  Little by painfully little, Jesus has been scraping off my old-self, as He uncovers the new person He is determined I would be...the person I was always intended to be since before He even created the world.

Each passing day, month and year, the challenges of being Dylan's Mother pile up to create a seemingly insurmountable peak...but only if I forget the fact that Jesus is with me...only if I choose to remain in darkness and allow my false sense of defeat overcome me...only if I want to hang on to my old-self, refusing to embrace my new life in Christ.

The journey of being Dylan's Mom will continue for as long as I live...the journey of being Christ's child will never end...the challenges of both will also remain...but I will overcome, because He overcame.  His grace covers a multitude of sins and it is eternally sufficient so even the worst of sinners, a wretch like me can be counted under those who belong to Him.

Happy Birthday Dylan, my love...thank you for being a constant source of learning...a constant pointer to the One Who made me.

Why? Well...because!

"Why can't I have that?"  "Why can't I do that?"  "Why can't I go there?"  "Why? Why? Why?"  Dylan has a way to overwhelm me with his demands.  Honestly, I can't sit around and explain every single detail of why he should not play Fortnite every single second of his awake existence.  Trust me.  I have tried to explain it to him.  In great length Dan and I had talked to him about the damage that non-stop video gaming does to a person, particularly a growing person.  But it has made no difference.  Inevitably, Dylan would come back asking "why?"

He doesn't get it.  He doesn't want to get it.  Why would he?  He loves the game too much.  Playing it brings him immense satisfaction.  He can't understand, for the life of him, why his parents, who profess to love him intensely, would refuse to allow him something that brings him so much pleasure?!

Sigh...

This situation with Dylan makes me think about the unanswered "whys" that we all have dealt with and will deal with in our lives.  Dylan is definitely not the only one, the first or the last person in the world who sinks in frustration when his "whys" are not adequately answered.  I heard a teacher on the radio today say something that intrigued me.  He commented that "Jesus didn't come to the world to answer why." 

hmmm...

But, why wouldn't He?  If there is someone who knows how to answer all and every "why" is Jesus.  Then, why didn't He come to do that?  I mean, wouldn't that make life easier for all of us, including Himself?  The constant nagging would stop, right?

The thing is that Dylan, as well as many of us, me included, don't really care to know why.  That's not really the issue here.  We just want it our way.  The question, "why" is only a distraction to see if we can get a yes there somewhere.  The explanation is actually irrelevant.  That's why Dylan continues to ask "why" after we have provided him with sound reasons.  The questioning doesn't have much to do with reason as it has to do with control.

And that's what Jesus wants.  He wants for us to give up the illusion of control and surrender to Him.  He wants us to trust Him even when we don't understand.  Most remarkably, He wants us to trust Him even when we do understand, but still demand or hope to have it our way.

The disillusionment and the frustration of having to give up the control we so tightly hold on to is softened by the reality of Christ's love and guidance.  He is holding our hand through the true path...the path that will lead us to a level of intimacy that says:  "Not my way, Lord, but Yours!"

I'm not sure if Dylan will ever stop asking "why" to certain things we as parents decide for him.  But I do pray that one day, perhaps a long time from now, he realizes that it was all about love.

What Stories Are You Telling Yourself?

"God still writing your story.  Quit trying to steal the pen"

I saw this message at the Tobymac#Speaklife site not too long ago and it really hit me.  The reason it did, most profoundly, was because, just like a day before, I was deeply convicted by something Dan told me that was very much related to the thought above.  In a "discussion" we were having, he said to me something like:  "you better change the stories you are telling yourself..."

Hmmm

Of course, at the time he said it, I did not want to admit how wise that comment/admonition was.  But it did affect me, precisely because there is so much wisdom and truth in it...sigh...I do tell myself crazy, misrepresented, deceiving, marred,  scarring, hurtful and totally made-up, untrue stories about myself...about who I really am.

My identity is so marked by these stories I tell myself, that I can't hardly recognize the true me anymore.  The lies I tell myself have hidden my actual self so far behind their webs that I'm like a mummy...sigh...I can barely see me, and neither can those close to me.  

After our "discussion" I couldn't help but thinking that it is time I change my narrative. 

When I saw the Tobymac sign, though, I realized that my conclusion above was only half true.  What I actually need to do is to let go of the pen, let God keep on writing my story, or unfolding it, rather, and just sit by His feet and listen to it as He recalls it to me.  Instead of listening to the distorted stories I tell myself about myself, I must listen to the only Voice of Truth...and believe Him!

I think I'd like to explore this topic in a few other posts.  So, if you are like me, telling yourself stories packed with lies about who you are, let's see if we can pause and begin playing the track of the real story of us, the one that only Jesus can tell.

My Unruly Tongue

Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble. Proverbs 21: 23 (ESV)

Why is it that often we hurt so deeply those whom we love the most?

I have asked myself this question for ever...and still, I have no answer for it.  Do you?  Do you ever wonder about that?  Maybe you don't because you are not in the group who does.  Maybe you are kind, forgiving, gentle and loving, joyful, peaceful, good and faithful always and to all, especially to your loved ones, so you have no clue what I'm talking about here...but it's important for you to know that there are some like me who aren't like that.

I struggle with my bad temper and with my unruly tongue.  I have a bad reputation in my home.  I love deeply, but, like my younger sons says, "I have too many emotions" and often they take control over me and I become someone I'm ashamed of.

Sigh...

I always watched those Moms who are so tender and gentle...whose voices are so sweet and melodious that even a reprimand sounds like a lullaby.  I truly admire them...I envy them...They are like Snow White or Cinderella.  You know, those old Disney Movie Fairy Tale Princesses?  The ones who, though immersed in the saddest and harshest of circumstances, where always so delicate and soft.  Not me...I could have never played dress-up and pretended to be one of them.  I was always one of the ugly, clumsy and hardened step-sisters or Grumpy, the dwarf, at best.

The thing is, I'm full of pride.

Yes, that is the root of my harsh actions and unleashed tongue.  I want to be respected.  I want to be thought of as smart, wise, insightful, discerning.  I want people to do what I say when I say it because I am convinced that I am right!  And why not follow my commands?  After all, their lives would be so much better if they did!  I know better!

It's exhausting to be this great.  Especially because it takes a lot of energy to try to make the entire world understand and appreciate my greatness.

Yes...I'm full of pride.

So, when people don't just act like puppets in my hands, I lose it.  I become some kind of warmonger, and my weapons are my words.

I want to win so badly, that I totally forget Paul's admonition: 

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4: 29

I tear apart.  I destroy.  I crush.  Then, when it is all over...I mourn.  I weep.  I regret.

Today, I pray that the Holy Spirit would be the one tearing apart, destroying and crushing the pride that has taken a stronghold in my heart, and free me from it so I can mourn, weep and regret no more.  

If this is your struggle too, let's unite in prayer so the enemy would not continue to enslave us.  

I know I will never be Snow White or Cinderella, but I know I don't have to be Grumpy or Griselda either.  I just want to have a soul free from pride and stop stepping on those I care about the most...covered by His Banner that over me, is love.

Obsession

Obsession: a persistent, disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling.  This is how Merriam and Webster define the term.  I happen to concur.  Obsessions are persistent.  They are often disturbing.  They sure keep one preoccupied.  And the whole thing is usually pretty unreasonable, right?  This reminds me of Dylan and this one video game he is into right now.  He is completely obsessed with it.  And, playing it, alters him in ways nothing else does.  He becomes unrecognizably intense and passionate when he plays it...but not in a good way.

It's not just Dylan, however...I have several obsessions to admit too:  moving, not becoming too attached to things, retirement, vacation plans, the beach, the future of my sons, my husband, work, romantic comedies, and anything involving melted cheese and chocolate cake.  

Deep, huh?  I know!

The thing is that I usually don't consider my obsessions a problem.  I figured, if I'm not hurting anybody, who cares, right? I mean, they are part of my little, inner world.  So, what's the big deal? Well...

The question is:  do obsessions help me grow closer to God and to His people or do they rather become a barrier between us?

Are obsessions from God or from the enemy?

If I look at Dylan's obsession with his video game, it is clear to me that this video game is the devil itself!  If I look at my obsessions, not so much.  Since when being preoccupied with one's kids, husband, retirement, etc. is a bad thing?  Those are noble things that God put in my path to care for and about.  But, to what level?  To what level do I let my preoccupation with these noble things/people/objectives negatively impact my relationship with Christ?

That's the key, isn't' it?  Are my obsessions, really my idols?

Our God is a Jealous God. (Exodus 20: 5)  He designed us to worship Him.  That is our greatest purpose in this life and in the next.  Therefore, anything that distracts us from our God-given design and pushes us to worship other gods is nothing but a tool of the enemy.  And we would pay dearly if we go along with it: 

"It shall come about if you ever forget the LORD your God and go after other gods and serve them and worship them, I testify against you today that you will surely perish. (Deut. 8: 19)

But, how do we know if the intensity we are feeling comes from our obsession or from the innate passion of God's calling?

That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

It is a hard question to answer because often, the root of the intensity is obviously identified with an obsession:  Dylan's video game.  However, many times, it is not so easily identifiable.  So, is there a test to find out for sure?  Well, I doubt it.  An important part of spiritual growth and the process of sanctification is to develop the ability to discern the fine lines that divide right and wrong...and the ability to self-regulate and self-check.

Asking for wisdom should be a high priority in our lives if we believe we might be dealing with an obsession.  The entire Book of proverbs is a reminder of the believer's need to pray for wisdom.  Wisdom is the mother of discernment.  In wisdom, we could probably develop some kind of an awareness test we could apply to ourselves:  is this thing I am so passionate about, ultimately glorifying God or me?

Who does this object of my affection and passion have to do with?  Who am I doing this for?  Who would be standing at the end of the race as the winner?  Who would others be pointing at as the hero of the story in the end? Whose is the name that would be remembered, mine or the Lord's?

It's funny that I so easily criticize Dylan for wasting his life on this video game he is obsessed with; but I can't see that my own obsession with wanting him to quit playing and go do his homework or read or do something productive with his life stems from a deep longing to be thought of as a good Mom...

Sigh...

Obsession: a persistent, disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling...an idol that separates us from God and makes it all about ourselves.

Let it go...summer is gone...

Once again, I'm having issues letting go...this time...of summer...

I can't believe another summer has closed its door right in front of my face.  Leaving behind the season of ease and slow-pace it's never easy to me.  Ushering in fall it's always a challenge...sigh...

But, I must accept. 

I know...I've been in denial.  That's why it has taken me this long to realize that summer has ended.  School started.  Homecoming dances have come and gone.  Fall decorations are on my door.  But the part about accepting the reality of summer being gone has just sank in.  What prompted it?  Having to unearth a sweatshirt and a pair of socks.

Up until now, I've been living the flip flop lifestyle.  Yesterday morning, however, as I was getting ready to go to church, it hit me:  the sock drawer was wide open in front of me.  Astonished, I looked at my bare feet.  They were NOT ready to go in hiding.  Then, to make matters worse, when we came back home, I stood paralyzed in front of the high shelf where I have all my sweaters and sweatshirts, fearing the truth that I was going to have to reach out to grab one 'cause the house was a freezer...sigh...

Life does that to us sometimes.  We are just going along, enjoying our ride...when BAM!!! Slap on the face, reality hits!  The way seasons change is a good reminder of this truth:  change happens.  Don't get too comfortable, because in an instant, it goes all away...life is a series of cycles.

The complication is, however, that for some of us, the very idea of change causes a physical reaction, kind of like a panic attack.  I speak for myself here, I do not deal well with change.  I fear change.  It causes me great discomfort.  The root of my fear of change is found buried deeply inside my psyche.  It has to do with fear of losing control.

The main reason I dislike change so much is that a great measure of the unknown also arrives on the bus of change.  And there aren't many other concepts more unruly and out of control than the unknown. 

My issues are so pervasive inside my mind that, since I know change is going to happen regardless, I try to orchestrate it ahead of its natural progression.  Do you know what I mean?  I want to have control over what happens in my life so badly, that often I try to manipulate things so change happens on my own terms.  Like a house, for example:  I lost the ability to go back to my parents' house, the house that was the symbol of stability in my life since I was born.  And, losing that house has created great heartache.  I never thought I would not be able to be in that house ever again.  I don't want to have to go through that again.  So, what do I do?  I want to constantly be on the move.  I don't want to get attached to anything.  I know someday, I will lose whatever house I'm in at the moment, so I might as well just beat fate and move before fate moves me.

Complex?  You bet!

The seasons, however, are a great analogy that God created for us to remember that, whereas change is inevitable, He is the constant behind all changes...and like the seasons, it's a cycle...a necessary cycle that allows us to grow closer to Him...to find Him...to depend on Him...to surrender to Him.

I am having problems letting go of summer.  However, what I must remember is that this is not the first time it happens.  "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens." (Eclesiastes 3: 1)  And now it's the season to let go of the season past and embrace the one coming on.  It is the time to discover the blessings of the new season and reminisce on the one we are leaving behind.  It is the season to renew my trust in the One Who Holds the seasons in His hands and entrust all change to the One Who Never Changes.  And, o yes, it's the season to enjoy all things pumpkin spice!

So for now, so long summer.  It was great having you around.  See you soon!