Mommy-Hulk ... MomStrong

"MomStrong"...hmmm...as soon as I saw that term, I was intrigued...

I was browsing titles of Bible studies and books specifically written for Mothers, so when I saw the title Becoming MomStrong, by Heidi St. John I felt drawn to that one.  So I got it.  I haven't read much yet (I have to admit, I'm currently obsessed with Vannetta Chapman's trilogy The Remnant! but I'm already wrapping up book three, so I'll be able to focus on this soon :) What I've read, however, seems very promising.  This is why I've decided to write my meditations and thoughts about this book as I go along with a small group of Moms who, like me, are seeking ways to be what the Lord has designed us to be...which we are still trying to figure out what it is, exactly...but anyway...I hope this is a productive journey that moves us closer to Christ as we walk on the road of Motherhood.

Before anything, however, I've got to get a better sense for what the term "MomStrong" truly means.  My first instinct is to see it as a rather fluid concept, since strength varies from person to person.  However, I have a feeling I might be wrong...

In the few pages I have read so far, the author hasn't really offered a definition of MomStrong.  So, I'm still intrigued, and wondering if there's a formula or something to figure it out.  Secretly, (another confession moment warning) I'm hoping it validates my Mommy-Hulk tendencies :)  You know?  Strong...who's the strongest Avenger, after all?  Yep!  The Hulk! :)  Anyway, I digress...

After pausing long enough to hear the thoughts bouncing in my head, however, I start to realize the strength that Heidi St. John is referring to in her book, does not reside in our ability to smash or anything like that.  I believe, what she is trying to say is that the Mom who is strong, is the Mom, who in her weakness, knows that her strength comes from the Lord, and Him alone. (Psalm 118: 14)

I believe, that what we will encounter in this book, is the affirmation that we don't need to do Motherhood on our own, simply because we can't.  Like St. John says:  "coming to terms with weakness is liberating."  Yes, it's very liberating because it frees us from the burden of believing the lie that we have to accomplish the mission of Motherhood by our own strength and power. 

She goes on to say that when we finally admit we can't do it on our own, and look to Jesus, we become free from the past, from the tyranny of other people's expectations, from worry, and free to love and to grow. (p xvi) 

I'd add, that we become free from our own, self-constructed expectations too.  Often, as it happens in my case, the biggest burden is the one I place on my own shoulders myself.  Therefore, admitting that I am truly not superwoman...takes that crushing weight off my back so I can stand up on the Solid Rock!

"God has already given us the blueprint for becoming MomStrong," St. John says, "that blueprint is found in the Bible."  So, the first step to becoming, whatever it is MomStrong means, begins by opening Scriptures and making the Word of God our sure foundation.

Maybe reading this book will help me get rid of the green-angry monster I carry inside...or maybe it will help me embrace the hero that also resides in me...Maybe I can stop being Mommy-Hulk and become MomStrong...I don't know, but one thing I'm sure of:  anything that moves me to have a Bible-centered worldview in Motherhood has to be a plus!  So, maybe we can embark on this journey together, and see where it takes us.  Guided by the Holy Spirit, I trust the sailing will be smooth until we find our safe haven. 

As Iron Sharpens Iron...

"The Hulk is still a hero!"  These words implanted in my psyche yesterday as I read a reply one of my dearest sister in Christ and role model sent me in response to my post about being a Mommy Hulk...

She added:  "He still does good and wins victories!  He isn't what he wants to be, but no one is..."

I didn't know what to say.  I was so moved by her words, I became speechless.  I just wanted to soak in the healing waters of that thought for as long as possible and let its wisdom filter through my insecurities all the way to my soul. 

It was as if God, Himself, had commanded my friend Kim to write me that message, for it was exactly what I needed.  Perhaps, that's exactly what happened.  After all, God knows what He is doing and He reigns over the heavens and the earth!  But, my point is, Kim knew I needed words of encouragement and she acted upon that knowledge.  She realized that, even though she knows I know the truth, I needed support.  No doubt, prompted by the Holy Spirit, she took to action in solidarity with a Mom who is still struggling with the uncertainty of her own inadequacy.  As a more experienced Mother, Kim was able to look at my situation from a different perspective to offer a lifeline so I wouldn't sink and drown in my own self-pity. 

I believe that's what Proverb 27: 17 means when it says:

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

In Mommy-world, it reads:  "as iron sharpens iron, so one Mom sharpens another in order to survive motherhood and see your children live to become adults!"  The wisdom of experience and the experience gained as one Mom walks ahead of another one in the long and rocky road of motherhood are not to be kept private and secret.  Sharing the tests, anxiety, fears, concerns, panic, exhilaration, love, joy and all the other rollercoaster of emotions we feel as Mothers at a personal level could become another Mother's reason to hang on!

Therefore, in our desperation to succeed at this God-given mission, let's not forget the importance of surrounding ourselves with a group of Mommy-sisters in Christ that can help us win victories in the war we are fighting on.  Let's put on the Armor of God (Ephesians 6: 10-18) and let's lock arms.  Together, armed by the power of the Living God, we will win victories.  Even the Hulk does too, right? (Hey, there are instances when God uses those with the ability to smash :) 

We are not what we want to be, but who is? The call is not to be perfect on our own, but to show up as we are, and trust that God will do the rest.  The times we live in are not easy-peasy.  The battle is real and the heart must not be faint.  So, let's bring what we've got to the fight for our kids and see the Lord do His thing through us.  After all, we have already won because He who leads us is Victorious and we have Victory in Him!  I say, then, let's power up...even if it means to turn green once in a while :) 

Mommy Hulk

"Mama, look...it's you!"  Dylan said to me the other night as I was exiting his room after tucking him in.  He was pointing at the calendar hanging by the door of his room, which for this month has a giant picture of the Hulk in a menacing pose. 

I looked at the picture and pretended it didn't bother me by mimicking the pose before I left the room...but, as I closed the door behind me, I couldn't help but letting out a deep sigh, maskarading a tear and a knot in my throat. 

Yep...that's how my children see me, as a green, mean monster full of uncontrollable rage...

My heart sank...

The thing is, I can't deny it.  That is who I am:  Mommy Hulk.  I've said it before.  It's a fact, and there's very little I can do about it.  I want to become something different, but I'm unable to change.  So, the guilt takes over and my insecurities gain another foothold in my soul.

Motherhood hasn't been easy for me.  Half of the time I have no clue what I'm doing, and the other half I know that what I'm doing is wrong.  My children are precious to me.  I praise the Lord for the privilege of having entrusted them to me...and at the same time, I fear because I don't know why He did that?  He knows my limitations.  He knows I truly suck at it (that's a fact!).  He knows my flaws and weaknesses.  But yet, He still gave me the chance to enjoy the greatest gift a woman can receive: hearing someone calling her Mom.

I don't get it.

See...what happens to me is a classic example of how the enemy works.  It is the enemy the one that makes me believe I'm inadequate.  It's the enemy the one that keeps my insecurities alive.  It's the enemy who plays mind tricks and pushes all my buttons so I feel like a failure.  It's the enemy the one who turns on the guilt.  And he does all that, so I would run away from God as far as I can.  The enemy knows that in my shame, I feel unworthy to seek the presence of the Most Holy One.  Therefore, he keeps stocking the fire of my self-destructing attitudes so I would stay away from the One who can heal me and restore me.

The biggest lie the enemy tells me, and I believe, is that it is up to me to be a good Mother.  He insists in deceiving me by tricking me into believing that it is by my own power, resources, ability, wisdom, intelligence, creativity, strength, etc. that I can stop being Mommy Hulk.  The truth is, I am nothing.  I've got nothing on my own.  Anything that would make me a good Mom comes from God and God alone!

My problem is that I focus on the wrong message.  Instead of paying so much attention to the lies of the enemy, I must turn my eyes towards Christ and listen to the voice of truth who tells me:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may 

rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

It isn't easy to be a Mom.  My journey into the adventure of Motherhood started on the rough path of infertility and continues on the rollercoaster of middle age challenges.  But the one thing I know: the journey is not over yet.  And for as long as I am alive, I will keep combating the enemy's attacks by fastening the belt of Truth, putting on the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of the Gospel of Peace and the helmet of Salvation, holding firm the shield of Faith and wielding the sword of the Spirit that is the Word, all of it in prayer! (Ephesians 6: 10-18)

The rest, I will leave it up to the Lord and Commander of the army.  He is in control and He certainly knows what He is doing.  He knew what He was doing when He decided to give me children.  He knows what He is doing as He continues to hold me in my journey.  In His hands I place my efforts, even if often they seem right out of a Marvel comic book.  Amen!

Of Goodbyes and Hellos

Dieter and Engel Families in La Rambla, Barcelona

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

"There's always someone saying goodbye" I said aloud as we walked the hallways of the Madrid airport about a week ago today, after spending a week and a half in Spain with our dear friends, the Engel family.  The words I spoke were in part, trying to bring comfort to the thought of saying goodbye to our friends and to the country I've just fallen in love with.  They were also a sort of remembrance of what my late Father in Law used to comment at times of facing farewells...

I can't express here the melancholic sentiments I feel today, looking back at our wonderful experience in Spain...saying goodbye to Indira and her family as they departed for their home in Omaha, Nebraska...many, many, many miles away from Slippery Rock, Pennsylvania, and putting the trip to Spain in the "memory" compartment of my mind were two steps I took very reluctantly.  

It's never easy to say goodbye.  As a matter of fact, I hate saying goodbye.  Why do we have to?  I can't stand it!  There is so much pain involved in the process.  It's as if a part of the heart gets ripped apart, and one is left there, standing alone...not knowing what to do next...wondering if the left-over parts of our heart will ever learn to beat again.  

We wish the world would stop when we say goodbye in honor of our misery...but, the funny thing is that it doesn't...

Life continues on and our heartache, eventually, becomes also a memory too.  But I still don't like it.

How does one make peace with goodbyes?  I'm not sure.  It's basically a mystery to me.  And a mystery, by definition, is something beyond our understanding.  As a matter of fact, there is so little our limited human condition can grasp about the way life works:  why do good people have to suffer? why do loved ones have to pass away or leave? why is there so much illness in the world? why can't we get along? why do we give into sin so easily? why does Jesus' return seem to delay so much?

I don't know...and I don't understand much at all...that's why the Bible tells us to:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3: 5

Because leaning onto our own understanding will lead us to even more confusion and frustration.

The blessing of the peace that transcends all understanding flows into our lives as we surrender to the truth that God is in control, and that all things DO work together for the good of those who put their trust in Him. (Romans 8: 28)

I believe that's what my dearest friend Indira was hinting at when she offered a reply to my comment about goodbyes.  When she heard me, she said:  "On the other hand, though...there's always someone saying hello, too!" 

These words brought up her characteristic outlook of life:  "always try to find the bright side, because there is one...no matter how much it hides behind the clouds."

I believe that was an inspired moment, because, regardless of how hard it is to accept, there is always a "hello" behind every "goodbye."  

There are folks saying goodbye to loved ones all around the world today, at this very moment.  I pray, therefore, that the Holy Spirit will instill in us the revelation that on the other side, there is a "hello" waiting to happen.  May we focus on the reunion and put our energy on the upcoming embrace of the happy greeting that will happen, whether here or on the other side of eternity.  Amen!

La Sagrada Familia - Magnificent Church in Barcelona

With my boys in Barcelona

My dearest friend Indira and I with the background of El Corte Ingles in Barcelona

Three Clueless Panamanians

Nicole, Gisela & Ileana with our tour guide for the second part of the journey out west, Brady at Independence Rock, WY

When was the last time you felt like you didn't belong? Out of place? Confused because you didn't understand the language everyone else was speaking? Lost because you weren't aware of the cultural customs of those around you? All that, while still within the borders of your own country?

Well, if you ask me, I'd have to say: a couple of weeks ago when I was on a bus tour of the American West.  Why?  Because that experience was not only a journey throughout an area of the United States that I was not familiar with, but it was also a cultural immersion into the Chinese world.

Yes, somehow, we ended up being the only non-Asian people on a 2000-mile bus tour of the Parks and Monuments of the Rockies....

Our first clue to what was ahead was when we showed up at the meeting place where we were supposed to wait for the bus to pick us up at the hotel in Las Vegas.  As we turned the corner on the long hallway, we got lost in an ocean of unfamiliar surroundings.  We thought we had the wrong location; but quickly we realized we were exactly where we needed to be, as the tour guide approached us, trying to pronounce our names in a way that was difficult for us to recognize.  It wasn't until he said, "Yellowstone Park," that we dared to timidly nod.  Then, he proceeded to show us a clipboard where we did see our names written down, confirming we were part of the tour he was leading.

He walked us through the crowd, and pointed us toward one of the large busses parked outside.  We rolled our suitcases, handed them to the driver, and boarded the bus to the confused stares and murmurs of those who were already in their seats.

When time came, the tour guide entered, grabbed the microphone and began to speak Mandarin.  For what seemed like an eternity, we just sat there, astonished...not moving...petrified...until he finally started his welcoming speech in English...which at least was good enough for us to start breathing again...

That was the beginning of an unforgettable immersion experience that I had not had before.  The days surrounded by Mandarin language and Chinese cultural practices gave me a new appreciation for what most immigrants go through when they move to another country.  I did.  I am an immigrant.  The big difference was that when I first came to this country, I did speak English.  I could understand what was happening around me.  I had studied American culture.  I wasn't 100% familiar with what I encountered, but I was not 100% unfamiliar either. 

The week we spent on that tour bus placed us in the middle of a culture that was completely unfamiliar to us.  It caused us to pause and analyze the potential reasons for the behavior and the historical and cultural realities that part ways with what the three of us are used to.  It made us consider how to best handle unavoidable cultural-clashes.  And it stretched our emotional capabilities in healthy ways that allowed us to take baby steps towards the realization of the great need to acquire as much cultural competence and understanding as possible in order to be able to effectively navigate the diverse nature of our society.

Personally, as a teacher who is always preaching the need to become aware of other cultures; I had the reality check that showed me how I need to follow my own advice.  And, finally, the experience truly humbled me.  I saw how much I still have to learn.  I saw how much I don't know about the world.  I saw the huge gaps in my understanding of other cultures.  I saw my embarrassing limitations.  I saw my own insignificance.

Eventually, we did get a different guide, Brady, a 21-year-old man who had just arrived from his 2-year long, missionary trip to China where he learned to speak perfect Mandarin while presenting Chinese communities with the Mormon faith.  Brady put everything into perspective for us and with his gentle guidance we were able to have a richer appreciation of the scenery and places we visited.  He also taught us the beauty of challenging oneself as one dives in, head first, into an unfamiliar culture.  Wise beyond his years, Brady was a very important part of our learning experience.

Today, as I look back on this trip; I know I will never forget it.  It has already gone down in the history of my life as one of those memories that every time I revisit them, I am transported.  The three clueless Panamanian women lost out west on a bus full of chinese people, not knowing what was next. 

The fond memories that began when we turned the corner on the long hallway at the Stratosphere Hotel in Las Vegas and saw what awaited us...and the laughter when we realized what we inadvertenly had booked ourselves into will always remain...priceless...

Water and M&Ms

Ileana, Gisela and Nicole at the magnificent Horseshoe Bend, AZ

How does one survive a 2000-mile-long bus tour of the American West?

Well…

Getting back on the bus that day, after visiting Antelope Canyon, Arizona, we were drenched in mud and rain. We looked at each other and laughed at what we had just gone through, not even being able to express it in words. That’s when we first realized we were completely ill-prepared for the trip, emotionally as well as materially. First, it was COLD!!! Even the Arizona desert was experiencing some kind of weather anomaly with the rain and hail and lower-than-normal temps. We even encounter patches of snow and snow-covered surfaces along the way on these usually hot/dry lands. Nicole lives in Phoenix, for the love of Pete! And the last thing she expected was to be freezing just a few hours from her home!

Needless to say, the three Panamanians were not ready to confront winter-weather environments at the end of May…or any other day.

Let me just say, though, that I did know that the climate would not be all sunshine and heat. Believe it or not, I had checked the forecast. So, I brought a few warmer pieces of clothing for my sister. I figured, with her being the one coming directly from Panama, she would be the one who’d need the most help in this department. I forgot that my niece, coming from Phoenix, the Sunshine Valley, would probably be even less prepared for the shocking weather. So, they ended up wearing layers upon layers and Nicole finally had to give in and buy a nice winter coat at one of the cute towns we visited. I have to say, she got a great bargain! But anyways…

Then, there was the bus situation: the two/three-hour intervals of stops were not enough. Especially, when one did not anticipate the need for snacks or drinks! So, we quickly realized we needed to strategize. What would help us meet our bare necessities between stops: liquid and sugar, of course! So, at the next stop, that’s exactly the supplies we gathered: water and M&Ms. And thus, those staples became our sustenance.

The key was to time it right, though…if you know what I mean? We mastered the art of calculating the exact amount of water that we could drink to keep hydrated and still be able to make it to the next bathroom stop. Not an easy feat.

But let me tell you, with every chocolate covered peanut treat we popped in our mouths, we finally began to settle into our seats, and started to fully experience the sweetness of the ride and the magnificence of the scenery.

God is Good, all the time…and all the time, He is Good!



So that’s how we rolled the rest of the way…and that’s the answer to the inquiry “how does one survive a 2000-mile bus tour of the American West?”: bundled up, and armed with water and M&Ms (just make sure they’re the ones with peanuts, for protein, of course!)



Tomorrow I’ll tell you a bit about our travel companions…stay tuned!

The Rockies up close!

  

Snow on the Mojave Deser

A rainbow in Salt Lake City, Utah

The Majestic Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone

Aliens among us at Devil's Tower, WY

Buffalo on the road

Grand Teton covered in morning fog and snow

Hanging in Jackson, WY

Fun at Mt. Rushmore, SD

A view that never gets old

Going with the flow at one of our camping hotels.

The God of Wonders!

Antelope Canyon, Arizona

Ileana, Nicole and Gisela in Antelope Canyon, Arizona - 2019

How do you survive a 2000-mile-long bus tour of the American West?

I found that out about a couple of weeks ago after completing the adventure of a lifetime with my sister and niece riding on a bus for a week through the great parks and monuments of Arizona, Nevada, Utah, Idaho, Wyoming and South Dakota.

One thing is for sure, neither of us had the slightest idea what this trip was going to be like. People would ask us stuff like: “Where are you going?”, and our standard reply was: “well, we are getting on a tour bus in Las Vegas and then we are riding north…” That’s about all we knew. It was exciting not knowing what to expect. It was also unnerving.

Let me tell you about some of it. The three of us met in Las Vegas, complained about the smell of smoke everywhere, ate, got a decent night sleep and got on a bus full of…well, I think I will describe our tour companions in a separate post. Let’s suffice to say that we were the absolute minority. But anyway, the second we stepped on that bus we knew we were in for some unforgettable experience…

The sights we saw were astonishing. I actually have no words to describe the scenery. From the Mojave Dessert to the snowy mountains of South Dakota, we witnessed and marveled at God’s incredible handiwork. One thing we got out of the experience, for sure, was a better appreciation for the massiveness of this great country of ours. You can ride and ride for a whole week, thousands of miles, and still not cover more than 6 states…and just partially…

As previously mentioned, we also had plenty of time to ponder and worship God in His creation. We were in awe. “How can anyone dispute the existence of a Creator?” Nicole, my niece, said, as we contemplated the jaw-dropping views that paraded in front of our eyes out the bus window, one more impressive than the next. He didn’t have to make the natural world so astonishingly gorgeous, but He did! He even made amazing things to remain hidden! We saw how He makes all things beautiful even underground when we squeezed through Antilope Canyon and scratched our heads (as well as bumped them against the formations) confused as to how something so indescribable beautiful lays under the surface?

As we traversed the canyon in a hail/rainstorm that filtered through the crack-like openings on the roof, which let in the crazy weather going on above ground, we couldn’t stop thinking: “why”? Through the mysterious light peeking through the openings, and even as we rushed in the hail and rainstorm, we couldn’t cease to admire the display of coral-colored formations that composed the most spectacular sights a bunch of clueless Panamanian women had ever beheld.

That’s just one example of the incredible things we saw, witnessed and experienced that week. I will continue with a few more excerpts of the trip in later posts, but today, I’m just, once again, focusing on the gift of God’s creative craftmanship. I am so thankful for all His provision; but especially, for making a most beautiful backdrop for the play of our existence to unfold while still on this world. His attention to orderly detail and His infinite imagination are revealed in nature. But, most of all, I figure, the reason why He designed a world so beautiful is because He loves us!

That is the true answer to the “why” we were puzzled about while in this trip. Why? Well, because He loves us so much that He wants us to have something that will take our minds off of the ills of life, if only for a little while. He loves us so much that He wants us to find peace and calm after the storm, when we look out the window and see the sun shining again! He loves us so much that He gives us sights that take our breath away when we lift up our heads after the dreaded and treacherous snow has covered every inch of the surface. He wants us to be able to feel a bit of paradise when we open our eyes after a nightmare and see the masterpiece of a new day painted on the sky!

Sigh…

I can write pages without end about God’s revelation in nature and I would still not be able to even begin to describe it. All I want to say now is that this trip allowed me an opportunity to reconnect with the God of Wonders beyond the borders of my everyday life, and for that I am eternally grateful!

And…keep reading for the answer to the question at the beginning of this post…it will be coming in the next few days :).  

Descending into Antelope Canyon, AZ

Our Navajo Guide in Antelope Canyon, AZ

Light filtering through the openings on the ground, Antelope Canyon, AZ - The camera does not make justice to the beauty of this place.

Even the storm looked beautiful down in Antelope Canyon, AZ