Mommy Hulk

"Mama, look...it's you!"  Dylan said to me the other night as I was exiting his room after tucking him in.  He was pointing at the calendar hanging by the door of his room, which for this month has a giant picture of the Hulk in a menacing pose. 

I looked at the picture and pretended it didn't bother me by mimicking the pose before I left the room...but, as I closed the door behind me, I couldn't help but letting out a deep sigh, maskarading a tear and a knot in my throat. 

Yep...that's how my children see me, as a green, mean monster full of uncontrollable rage...

My heart sank...

The thing is, I can't deny it.  That is who I am:  Mommy Hulk.  I've said it before.  It's a fact, and there's very little I can do about it.  I want to become something different, but I'm unable to change.  So, the guilt takes over and my insecurities gain another foothold in my soul.

Motherhood hasn't been easy for me.  Half of the time I have no clue what I'm doing, and the other half I know that what I'm doing is wrong.  My children are precious to me.  I praise the Lord for the privilege of having entrusted them to me...and at the same time, I fear because I don't know why He did that?  He knows my limitations.  He knows I truly suck at it (that's a fact!).  He knows my flaws and weaknesses.  But yet, He still gave me the chance to enjoy the greatest gift a woman can receive: hearing someone calling her Mom.

I don't get it.

See...what happens to me is a classic example of how the enemy works.  It is the enemy the one that makes me believe I'm inadequate.  It's the enemy the one that keeps my insecurities alive.  It's the enemy who plays mind tricks and pushes all my buttons so I feel like a failure.  It's the enemy the one who turns on the guilt.  And he does all that, so I would run away from God as far as I can.  The enemy knows that in my shame, I feel unworthy to seek the presence of the Most Holy One.  Therefore, he keeps stocking the fire of my self-destructing attitudes so I would stay away from the One who can heal me and restore me.

The biggest lie the enemy tells me, and I believe, is that it is up to me to be a good Mother.  He insists in deceiving me by tricking me into believing that it is by my own power, resources, ability, wisdom, intelligence, creativity, strength, etc. that I can stop being Mommy Hulk.  The truth is, I am nothing.  I've got nothing on my own.  Anything that would make me a good Mom comes from God and God alone!

My problem is that I focus on the wrong message.  Instead of paying so much attention to the lies of the enemy, I must turn my eyes towards Christ and listen to the voice of truth who tells me:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may 

rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

It isn't easy to be a Mom.  My journey into the adventure of Motherhood started on the rough path of infertility and continues on the rollercoaster of middle age challenges.  But the one thing I know: the journey is not over yet.  And for as long as I am alive, I will keep combating the enemy's attacks by fastening the belt of Truth, putting on the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of the Gospel of Peace and the helmet of Salvation, holding firm the shield of Faith and wielding the sword of the Spirit that is the Word, all of it in prayer! (Ephesians 6: 10-18)

The rest, I will leave it up to the Lord and Commander of the army.  He is in control and He certainly knows what He is doing.  He knew what He was doing when He decided to give me children.  He knows what He is doing as He continues to hold me in my journey.  In His hands I place my efforts, even if often they seem right out of a Marvel comic book.  Amen!