Driven

 One thing I always complain about my son Grant is...his lack of fire...he doesn't show much passion about anything...he doesn't seem to get excited about much...he is NOT driven...sigh...

AND.IT.DRIVES.ME.CRAZY!

(pun totally intended)

Anyway...driven...

Today, I read something that made me think about this concept.  It was a question that was meant to make the reader contemplate.  And, it achieved its purpose, I tell you.  The question was something like this:  "Why is it necessary for driven people to go on neutral sometimes?"

As you might have guessed it, the reason Grant's non-driven-personality drives me CRAZY is because I've always been pretty driven myself. And it pains me to feel like I have to be constantly pushing and/or dragging him.  Actually, I find myself pushing and/or dragging not just him, but, well, everyone around me.  I don't even have to know the person for me to feel compelled to push or drag or both (I push and then I drag).  Walmart's cereal isle, Main Street between 4 and 5 p.m., Aldi on a Wednesday or Saturday...my point is, I'm a rather driven person, so I'm pushy, impatient, controlling, verbally abusive, non-empathetic, unkind and always in a hurry.

So, I felt that the question was directed at me personally, but, "go on neutral"? What does that even mean?

 First, I looked up the definition of "driven."  I found two very intriguing explanations for the concept:

1. -operated, moved, or controlled by a specified person or source of power.
   
   -relentlessly compelled by the need to accomplish a goal; very hard-working and ambitious.

I'm not sure, but to me, these two ideas seem like opposing concepts, don't you think? The description of myself I offered earlier, points to a person who is relentlessly controlling to a fault, which is closer to the second idea in the definition of driven, the one about being very hard-working, ambitious, compelled by the need to accomplish. But then, the word also means "operated, moved or controlled by a specific person or source of power"...what?

The thing is that I see the idea of being driven as an active state, full of action and doing... the words in the first definition, though, are all very passive.  How could the same word mean active and passive at the same time? It's like one definition describes Grant and the other one me!  How can that be?  How can it be both? UGH!

Well, perhaps, that might be why the question is asking to consider the need for driven people to go on "neutral" once in a while.  So I went and looked for a definition of "neutral" that could bring some light to this scenario, and I found one that made me pause:  "a position of disengagement."

I think I'm starting to see something here.  As a driven person, I am "relentlessly compelled to accomplish, I'm hard-working and ambitious" I'm constantly on the move.  I think, if I don't do it, it won't get done...and it must be done, and it must be done NOW! Being driven is exhausting, and it can lead to insanity!  That is just simply not how we are to operate as children of the Most High King. As Christians, we are to trust, rely and fully depend on Our Lord.  That sounds totally like the first definition of the concept of driven, doesn't it?  But, how do I do that? How do I switch between the two definitions?

Somehow, driven Christians of the second definition, need to get to the first definition, and the only way to do it is by disengaging...and going on neutral for a while.  Going on neutral is the only way to do what Jesus tells us:  "Do not be anxious..." (Matthew 6: 34) and just roll and let the Lord do the work.  Let go and let God.  Be still and know...

How else do we expect to allow our Source of Power to move us if we are so tightly engaged on our twisted gears, that we don't release control?

Sigh...

I think God gave me Grant so I would remember that sometimes, I just have to shift to neutral and roll with it...trusting God and knowing He is the Divine Driver who will take us wherever we need to go.  I pray I can recall this the next time the boy drives me crazy.  I have to find that middle, that neutral spot between the two definitions...go on neutral and just enjoy the ride...let Jesus do the pushing.  Amen!

The Frequency of the Heart

- "Lo siento, no hablo inglés..."

- "No hay problema, ¡yo hablo español!"

If there is one thing we do not have to worry about with Jesus is the language barrier...because there simply isn´t one.  He speaks to us in our own language.  And by the same token, He enables us to hear Him because He delivers His messages in a way that we can understand.  He talks to us in a way that cuts through the noise and the competing frequencies that threaten  the message to be diluted...in a way that cuts to the heart.  

 I have spent about 22 years of my life trying to communicate to my Spanish students that there is a deep and powerful connection between a person's native language and their heart, their emotions.  My goal is to create in my students a desire to learn Spanish so, when they are out there, in the "real world," working with the public...a public, which is increasingly more diverse each and every day...and they run into a Spanish-speaking person who they want to reach to sale a product, an idea, a service, a perspective, a cause, etc. they can make a connection at an emotional level which will help them be more successful in their attempts.  

Most students don't get it.  They don't really care.  They just want to get through the class with a passing grade and forget the whole thing about Spanish.  But, once in a while, there is one who understands it.  The reason this student gets it is because he or she had been in a situation where the roles were reversed, and this student had experienced what it feels like to be in a place where the majority of the people speak a language other than English.  These are the students who volunteer a brief narrative where they timidly comment how amazing it felt when, in the middle of a confusing moment, where everyone else around them was speaking this other language that they couldn't understand...they heard a sentence in English! 

It's like the mind just opens up, and the light of comprehension floods through your senses, you feel warm inside, and you want to burst in tearful Hallelujahs because you understand!

In a small measure, that must have been what it felt like when the Holy Spirit entered the place where they were all gathered together during Pentecost, and the flames of God came unto them, filling them with The Holy Spirit and enabling them to speak in tongues and in every one of the languages of each of the persons present there at that time.  No matter how remote a corner of the known world they had come from, the people present on that day were able to hear the message in their own native language, and the result was amazement, elation, jubilation and mass conversion.

The way I see it, God knows about that connection between native language and emotions.  Of course He does, He designed it!  He is the Master Communicator.  He knows how to speak to us in a way we can comprehend it...and He knows, even when we are fluent in more than one earthly language, there is nothing like receiving His message in the tongue we consider our first and most dominant one...the mother-tongue.  Millions of people in this country speak a language other than English at home.  And that is the language of the heart.  They might communicate in English with the outside world, but when someone speaks the mother-tongue to them, the heart begins to listen in a more profound and impactful way than they hear when they are only listening with their ears.  

That's why the Holy Spirit made it so everyone present at that glorious Pentecost Day described in Acts 2 would hear Peter's message in their mother-tongue...because that was the most sure way to reach the frequency of the heart.  That was the only way He knew the words would "cut to the heart."  That was the only way He knew, the message of salvation would not be diluted or lost in translation.

The Holy Spirit allows us to receive God's message regardless of the source...regardless of the language...in a way that is customized to us.  And that is the gift that transforms us.

I hope my students ever care enough to accept the reality of the power of speaking to others in a way they can understand.  Sometimes the message is way too important for it to be lost in translation.

“Therefore let all Israel be assured of this: God has made this Jesus, whom you crucified, both Lord and Messiah.”

When the people heard this, they were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other apostles, “Brothers, what shall we do?”

Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off—for all whom the Lord our God will call.”

Acts 2: 36-39

Your Love and Your Truth Protect Me

 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters...Colossians 3: 23

Work, work, work...that has been my story since March 2020.  I feel as if it has been one, big, 14-month-long semester without a break...and I'm exhausted...

I don't want to complain because I have a good job.  The Lord has been Faithful to us and has provided beautifully for us always, and especially during these times of uncertainty.  But, I'm tired.  Worse yet, I don't feel as if I have been working "for the Lord."  And that's what really weights heavily in my heart.

I'm not sure all my toiling has anything to do with the work of God's Kingdom.  I think I have lost track of my vision and I've wandered off the path here.  I'm not really sure where I'm going.  I look at myself and what I do, and I see just a list of senseless tasks, accomplished mindlessly...without a mission.  I feel no higher sense of purpose.  If I'm brutally honest here, all I see is that my only goal is to endure and my motivation is money...sigh...

I think that's why I'm so drained: because I spend long hours working, without an actual purpose.

Then, I read verses like Colossians 3: 23 and I feel convicted that I am not putting my heart into my work. But why is that?  Well, because I'm not working for Him.  I'm not dedicating it to the Only One who deserves the title of Master and Lord in my life.  I'm endlessly working for all the wrong reasons.  I'm turning money and other humans into masters, not realizing they are usurping the Lord's rightful place.

What to do, then? Repent!  Ask for forgiveness and pray for guidance.  I don't want to be like the rich fool in Luke 12: 13-21 or the young, rich guy and the Kingdom of Heaven in Matthew 19: 16-30.

The good news in these parables is that, in the end, even after all my failures, missteps, detours and mistakes, it is not about me.  I cannot work my way into salvation.  When the disciples witnessed the seeming impossibility of the young rich man to enter Heaven, they were alarmed and wondered: "Who then can be saved?" (Matthew 19: 25)  And of course, that was one of Jesus' reasons for the entire exchange: to speak truth.  “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matthew 19: 26)

That is the key to my dilemma: I will never be good enough to deserve God's love, but He loves me anyway.

So, in my useless toiling, I just have to make sure I keep my eyes on Him and that when I feel lost, I pause...pause long enough to take the time to re-dedicate my work so I can give it all my heart, as I remember that I'm not doing it for human masters, but completely and absolutely onto the Lord.

You, LORD, will not withhold Your compassion from me; Your mercy and Your truth will continually watch over me. Psalm 40: 11

Pursuing Dreams

The LORD has made everything for his own purposes, even the wicked for a day of disaster.

Proverbs 16: 4

An ocean front condo at a location that is warm 365 days out of the year...sigh...with a balcony big enough to fit a couple of chaise lounges, a small table and chairs and maybe a writing desk, right smack in front of the big blue.  The huge sliding door would open wide, letting all that ocean breeze come in...no need for A/C. The kitchen would be open to the view and so will the two bedrooms.  This is what I would tell you if you'd ask me what my pipe dream is...sigh...

By definition, a pipe dream is an unattainable hope or plan.  The origin of the expression is just as bad.  The saying refers back to the 19th century when workers would smoke opium out of a pipe and experience fanciful/psychedelic dreams...yeah...I told you it was bad.  And maybe my dream is bad too.  It's bad because it is selfish.  It is "me" centered.  It's not philanthropic.  It's not altruistic.  It's not filled with good deeds.  It's just a fantasy that tries to recreate my idea of paradise on earth for me.  I should just quit trying to pursuit a way to make it come true, even if at a very reduced level.  It's not worth it.  I don't know why I have such a wasteful dream...

Instead, I should be dreaming of using my savings to help others and further God's Kingdom in mighty ways.  I can always just go on a week-long vacation and rent a dreamy condo.  I don't have to buy it.  How silly of me thinking buying a beach-front condo is a good idea.

But, for some reason, the dream sticks.  Even if it's not all I want, I keep going back to the idea of buying a little place where I can escape.  I would rent it out during the time I can't use it, but then, I would fly there over the summer and unplug.  It would be available for family and friends.  Depending on the location, I could be half way to Panama!  Maybe my sister could use it too!  As impractical as it is, I just can't wake up...the dream sticks...and I wonder why that is.

Since I can't figure out why I can't give up on my dream, I figured I'd just put it in God's hands.  Proverbs 16: 9 says, The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.  So, I won't try to crush or erase my silly, superficial, materialistic, selfish dream...I'm just going to present it to the Lord and see how He directs my steps.  Maybe it will remain a dream...something to escape reality, maybe it will actually become a reality that is used for His purpose and His glory.  Who am I to try to pretend I know how to decipher the ways of the Lord, right?

I'm not saying mine is, but, pipe dream or not, sometimes there are deeply burning longings in our heart that are placed there for a reason.  I don't pretend to know God's mind...but...I believe He can use anything for His glory and for the good of His children...even silly dreams.

While I Wait for the Furnace

 "Christians in every age, including ours, are always going to have to stand up to oppressors.  It's part of the Christian walk."  This was the "Big Idea" of our Pastor's sermon yesterday at church...and I have to tell you, it got me...it got me good.

One of my biggest sources of insecurity and feelings of inadequacy (apart from being a terrible mother and wife and friend and human being in general) come from my fear of being open about my faith at work...sigh...I pray the Lord would give me what it takes to do my work as if working for Him...but I fail 150% of the time. I feel like a big coward.  Every time I hear people talking about our Christian calling to be bold and be a Christian in every facet of our lives, I feel convicted.  

I know it sounds like a copout...probably because it is...but, my workplace is hostile against Christian workers.  And, I cannot afford to lose my job.  I am attached to the comfort of having a nice paycheck every two weeks.  And I don't want to jeopardize that.  I try to justify my attachment to my job by saying that with that money I can be generous and support the causes that bring forth the Gospel even if I don't do it myself...but...Pastor Dan's sermon yesterday showed me that there will be a day when that is not going to be enough...

Against the backdrop of Daniel 3: 1-27, that shocking scene when King Nebuchadnezzar throws Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego into the blazing fire and the Pre-Incarnate Jesus walks with them, unbinds them and protects them from a fire so hot that even the guards that threw them into it perished as they approached the furnace...Pastor Dan stated how one day, they will also come for us and we, too, will have to face the heat.

One day, they will come for me.  One day they will burst my protective bubble in which I have been able to survive all these years, and I will have to feel the flames.  The question is:  "What will I do then?"

Will I be able to stand firm for my beliefs and boldly proclaim, 

“King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3: 16-17

Or will I coward and abide by their wicked policies and evil demands?

Will I be free to be who I am in Christ or will I continue to be a slave to money and comfort, status and position?

The answer is simple:  left to my own strength and resolve, I will not be able to stand firm on my faith.  I will crumble, stumble and fall into their schemes...the fire will just consume me.

With that said, I know that I must use this time before the furnace, to prepare.  And how does one prepare for an imminent fire? Well, I guess one option is to evacuate and dodge it before it burns us, right?  But, what if that is not an option?  Then, the only way to be ready is to dive into the Word and place myself in the Hands of The Lord, the Only One who could deliver me either from or through the fire.  I need to use this time before the furnace to commend my Spirit to Christ and to invoke the Holy Spirit to guide me...to guide my every step and my every word when the time comes.  

Just like Jesus said:

“You must be on your guard. You will be handed over to the local councils and flogged in the synagogues. On account of me you will stand before governors and kings as witnesses to them. And the gospel must first be preached to all nations. Whenever you are arrested and brought to trial, do not worry beforehand about what to say. Just say whatever is given you at the time, for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit. Mark 13: 9-11

I will trust in Him and I will pray that the Holy Spirit will make me strong enough to be honored to face the flames for Jesus. I will trust His Word.  I will trust His strength.  I will trust His promises. I will take refuge under His Wings and I will know, that one day I will sore like an eagle, flying free with Him...like a phoenix...reborn after the fire.  

As I wait for the furnace, I will write His Word into my heart...and trust that Scripture will be the lamp for my feed and the light on my path. (Psalm 119: 105)

From Psalm 37

12 The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;
13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.

14 The wicked draw the sword
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.
15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.

23 The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

32 The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
intent on putting them to death;
33 but the Lord will not leave them in the power of the wicked
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.

39The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
40 The Lord helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.

Jesus Takes Control

 When medical test anxiety or any other situation of worry and fear begins to shake my trust and attack my fragile resolve to stay focused on God's Goodness and Faithfulness...I reach out to my prayer warriors.  Among the most fierce of them stands my sister.  Her words are firm, strong, and always right on.  She doesn't mince them, either.  She says it like she feels it.  She allows the Holy Spirit to speak through her...but, of course, since she is, after all, my sister...the Spirit speaks through her with words of fire and passion...not so much compassion LOL.  But she always delivers a message I need to hear in a way that I can understand...and I love her signature statement.  She uses it to open or close her speeches, and it is:  Jesus takes control...Jesús toma el control.

I have come to rely on my sister´s bold faith, craving to read those three words on the screen of my phone like I crave the sweetness of chocolate in the afternoon.  It is hard to think that 20 or so years ago, my sister's story was completely different.  Suffice it to say, the words that would come out of her mouth were every bit as fiery and passionate...but not for the Lord.  At the time, she was in a very, very dark place in her life, and to top it all, our dear Mom, the one who brought a measure of sweetness, tenderness and gentleness into our lives, passed away.  Yes, 21 years ago, our sweet Mom left this world and her children began a mad scramble to find their way with a big hole in their hearts.

My Mom's passing shook my sister's core.  And I believe, that's when she was presented with her crucible.  She had to make a decision.  And I know that's when Jesus revealed Himself to her.  There is no way she would have chosen the path of faith on her own.  There was no one there.  She was completely alone...in the pit...and the Only One who can pull people out of such depths is Christ.  And out she went.  Twenty plus years later, as I look back, I am in awe of who she is now.  I am in awe of how she wages the spiritual battles of her life alongside Jesus, wilding the Sword of the Spirit that is the Word, like there is no tomorrow.  And I am in awe of how she is a living testimony, a fulfilled promised, that He makes all things and all people new.

So, for me, seeking her prayers and reading her honest delivery is a source of comfort straight from God...because to me, my sister's words come from the heart of one who was redeemed ... one who has tasted the pure Goodness and Faithfulness of Our Heavenly Father ... one who has been forgiven much, and therefore, knows what it is like to have a soul who has been touched by the very hands of the Most High.

Jesus takes control, indeed! 

I am trusting that I will feel Jesus taking control over my fears, my worries, my anxiety so I can be set free...free to worship...free to be bold.  In the Precious Name of My Redeemer Who Lives!  Amen.

He Answers When We Call

 Do you have that person or persons whom you call in your hour of need?  That group chat...that top person in your list of favorites on your contacts in your phone...do you have that someone that you know will be there for you when you call?  We all need them.  It's part of being human.  God designed us to be in fellowship with one another.  And as such, He reminds us that He is the One who should be on that privileged spot among our contacts.  

Psalm 30 is a poem to the joy of knowing the Lord is the One we can call in those moments of darkness, need, fear, despair, worry...and of knowing that He is always there...always answering our call...always responding to our messages.

I will exalt you, Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.


Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.


When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”
Lord, when you favored me,
you made my royal mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.


To you, Lord, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
“What is gained if I am silenced,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me;
Lord, be my help.”


You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
Lord my God, I will praise you forever.

Joy and exaltation are the appropriate responses when we realize the Lord always answers our calls.  He heals us.  He pulls us out of the pit.  He turns our wailing into dancing.  He turns our mourning into joy.  And we praise Him forever!

I know that this doesn't mean that God is a genie, just waiting there to fulfill our every desire.  Absolutely not, of course.  I know that sometimes, we pray for things and circumstances to change, and they don't.  I know that we often will walk through the valley of the shadow of death, and we will experience the kind of loss that shakes us to our very core.  But, I believe this Psalm is reminding us of the truth that through everything, The Lord is with us...that He does answer our calls...and that even though He might chose not to change the situation...if we hang on to Him, He will change us.

Through the darkness, in our pits, while we mourn, in our fear and worry, He will speak to us and teach us how to see everything through the perspective of eternity.  He reminds us that we are here for a little while, and that we are but a mist, here today and gone tomorrow...but, that for that little while, He is pouring out His love into that fragile vapor that is our life.

May the Lord speak to us when we call in a voice that we can hear and understand.  May we always hear His Voice of Peace and experience the comfort of His protective wings.  In Jesus Name, we pray.  Amen!

The Voice of Peace

 Don't you love the Psalms?  I do.  They constitute my safe place.  When anxiety, fear and worry start crawling down my spine, I open the book of Psalms and there I find a perfect place to hide until the storm passes.  I read one after the other until my heart settles into a more rhythmic pace, enough to help me even take a restoring nap.  Today, I read Psalm 29 and a reminder came to me:  The Lord's Presence brings peace.

What I want when I am immersed into those moments of intense worry is peace.  Only that peace that transcends all understanding can sooth my soul.  Circumstances may not always change, but the peace of the Lord makes everything bearable.  And where do we find that peace like a river?  In His Presence, of course.  But, how do we perceive His Presence?  I believe, Psalm 29 is saying, we find His Presence in His Voice.

Ascribe to the Lord, you heavenly beings,
ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.
Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name;
worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness.


The voice of the Lord is over the waters;
the God of glory thunders,
the Lord thunders over the mighty waters.
The voice of the Lord is powerful;
the voice of the Lord is majestic.
The voice of the Lord breaks the cedars;
the Lord breaks in pieces the cedars of Lebanon.
He makes Lebanon leap like a calf,
Sirion like a young wild ox.
The voice of the Lord strikes
with flashes of lightning.
The voice of the Lord shakes the desert;
the Lord shakes the Desert of Kadesh.
The voice of the Lord twists the oaks
and strips the forests bare.
And in his temple all cry, “Glory!”


The Lord sits enthroned over the flood;
the Lord is enthroned as King forever.
The Lord gives strength to his people;

the Lord blesses his people with peace.

The Voice of the Lord is what we need in order to remain in His Presence and be able to dive into His Perfect Peace.  But, where do we go to hear His Voice?  The only place I know for sure is to His Word.  If there is a place where I can be certain that the Voice of the Lord is speaking directly to me is in the Bible.  Reading Scripture is like making a direct call...no operator, no receptionists...we have the Lord's Direct Line, which we can dial any time to hear His Voice...and His Voice is Powerful and Majestic.  And in His Voice we find the blessing of His Peace.  In His Word He tells us that He is enthroned over all the storms as the Eternal King.  In His Word He tells us He is the Giver of Strength and that All Glory belongs to Him.  In His Word we invites us to worship Him in the splendor of His Holiness.  In His Word He calls us to seek refuge in Him.

In His Word we Hear His Voice and we find His Peace.  May the Holy Spirit always lead us back to Scripture, the place where we can be sure we hear the Voice of the Lord.  In the Precious Name of Jesus, the One Who Calls us His Own.  Amen!

19 years ago

 "How can you love someone so much you just met?"  I remember watching the movie, Where the Heart Is in the movie theater when it first came out in the year 2000.  I liked it.  It was OK.  But, for some reason, the line quoted above stuck in my mind.  Maybe it was the unusual phrasing that caught my attention. I don't know...but it intrigued me.  The protagonist, Novalee Nation, said it when they first placed her new born baby girl in her arms.  At the time, I was deep into my struggles with infertility, so the notion of holding a new born in my arms and finding out what this statement was all about was very foreign to me. 

Two years later, though, God made the miracle, and I got to experienced what Novalee meant in that scene...the incomparable explosion of love that a Mother feels when she first sees her new born baby.  It was so unlike anything I have ever felt in my life, that I didn't know what to do with myself...other than praise the Lord for His mercy and goodness...for His faithfulness, and for choosing me to be the Mother of this precious child.  

It's been 19 years today of this marvelous and wonderous event...and I still don't know what to do with myself.  For the first time, I'm not able to see Grant on his birthday, and that has made me very melancholic.  But, I rejoice knowing that he is enjoying it in his own way, in a new way.  As he is wrapping up his freshman year in College, he is learning to fly on his own. And though my heart breaks knowing the little baby boy I got to see for the first time, 19 years ago after 16 hours of labor is all grown up and out of the nest, I am happy to see he is happy too.

I don't know how the whole thing works.  I don't know how you can love someone so much you just met...but you certainly do.  It is a love so profound, that it aches.  Imagine, if in our imperfect ways it is possible for us to experience this kind of love for our children...how much so the love of Our Heavenly Father must be.  May we always remember we are loved with a love so deep that nothing we could ever do would be able to extinguish it, ever.  In the Precious Name of the One Who Taught us how to love because He Loved Us First.  Amen!

Thirty Years

 "Twenty three years old is too young to be making decisions that will affect the rest of your life, don't you think?"  I don't know...it depends, I guess...it depends on whether you are listening to the voice of the Shepherd or to the voices of the world.

Thirty years ago, Dan and I took our first stroll down Main Street Clarion...it was our first date.  We walked to the restaurant.  I was wearing a jean skirt...he was wearing shoes he had found at the golf course where he used to work during the summers while in college.  I had long, dark brown, wavy hair...he had longish, light brown curls (it was 1991... 80s hair was still a thing)... two totally clueless kids on a first date that neither of them could have foreseen it would turn out to be a life-long commitment. 

The ways of the Lord are truly inscrutable.  

A week later, he'd be walking again...this time, across the stage on commencement day.  We said goodbye. The thought of seeing each other after that day did not truly enter our minds...He was waiting to hear of an internship in California...I still had 2 more years of college and then back to Panama...the odds were just not there.  Life was complicated.  

Some people are in your life for a brief moment, to then disappear forever...leaving only a fuzzy memory... as if in a distant dream.  You don't expect them to ever come back into your life...until a late-summer letter arrives.  I remember sitting on a park bench, I couldn't wait to get back to my dorm...I had to open it right then...a page full of stories, funny looking hand writing, and a phone number.  

I hate making phone calls.  To this day, I avoid them like the plague.  On that moment, that late summer evening, I did not hesitate.  I dialed the number on the letter...a young man's voice said "hello," and that was it.  The story of our lives was given the green light to go on.

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!  Romans 11: 33

Praise the Lord! Here's to 30 plus more!

Less like me

 "Thank you for your grace."  "You're so sweet."  Those types of expressions are very rarely directed at me.  Let me think about it...actually, I'm exaggerating.  Those types of comments are NEVER directed at me (unless accompanied by a deep eye-roll and a sarcastic smirk).  This past week, however, I got both of those addressed at me...at me!  

I so totally did not feel right about accepting the compliments.  It did not feel like me.  And the funny thing was...the people who offered those kind words were actually honest.  Not a hint of sarcasm...

I am not known by my capacity of extending grace to others.  I am the person who, when feeling the slightest perception of disrespect (whether it is intentional or completely unintended by the perpetrator) I pounce.  I become a wild cat that loses all sense of perspective and acts on instinct.  And my instincts are 100% savage.  I go into a crushing mode...like a terminator...who would not stop until it terminates...until it crushes...until it extinguishes any perceived thread.

It is no wonder, I'm not called sweet and full of grace by anyone.  But, this past week...I had the rare opportunity to taste the deliciousness of being considered a person who extends grace to others...and it was amazingly rewarding.

This morning, though...things got back to normal.  

I mean, it is not even 10 am as I'm writing this, and I already got to be me again.

I felt disrespected (it didn't matter if it was a sweet, little old lady or my husband...I got them both good).  I turned into wild-cat-terminator again...and I knew it from the moment I reacted...I knew I was being me again...and I felt awful...but it was too late.  I had committed myself to being nasty.  And nasty was what they got.

"That poor lady is probably still talking about you, Mom...saying how rude you were."  

Yep...that's what Dylan, my young and impressionable teenage son said to me afterwards (he made sure I had become human again before he said it, of course...).  But...yeah...he was there to witnessed my rude behavior to that little old lady at the urgent care facility's counter...chatting her life away with the receptionist, while I waited six-feet behind her, fuming furiously...unwilling to accept her apology after she realized she had been holding up the line.

"I know, Dylan...I made a choice between lying and being honest.  I chose honesty.  The problem is that my honesty is brutal. And I know I should not have done that...it was not right."  That's all I could say to him...sigh...

Extending grace is one of the marks of those who keep very fresh in their hearts and souls the truth and the fact that they have received grace when grace was not what they deserved.  I am completely aware of my undeserving nature and how, if it depended on my deeds, I would be more than condemned.  I know that grace is a gift that cost the ultimate price to the Giver.  I am grateful beyond measure for such an extravagant gift. But...my pride is still my stumbling block.  I'm stuck on pride rock.  And I still have a long way to go.  But, I have tasted the goodness of being humble...and I pray that one day, I can forget all about being me, and just walk humbly with my Lord.

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.

    And what does the Lord require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy

    and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6: 8