End of Summer Melancholy

Yes, I am one of those people who LOVES summer.  I know plenty of folks enjoy cooler temps and dream about the days when they can cozy up in front of the fireplace, wrapped in a fluffy  blanket, wearing comfy pjs and socks, drinking hot cocoa.  Not me.  That's OK for others, but to me, the thought of temperatures below 75 sends chills down my spine...literally, and not in a good way. 

I'm a flip-flop kind of girl.  I like the freedom of not having to wear a coat to go outside.  I like the fact that I can walk barefoot on the grass if I wanted to.  I'm all about big water, blue skies, sand in my toes and the sound of waves and seagulls in the air.  That's why the last days of August and plans for Labor Day weekend make me want to cry.

I like picnics and gatherings.  But, I don't want to celebrate the end of what's so dear to me! Sigh...

The thing is, I grew up in a place where it's always summer...and saying goodbye to it here, brings back the hurt of having lost the home of my youth.  The faint reddish tint that is starting to appear on the trees, the later sunrise and the earlier sunsets plus the hint of coolness in the air all forecast another season to remember how different my life is and how far I am from the young woman who once cared not a bit about the possibility of summer ending.

The deep melancholy of loss sometimes sits quietly, set aside, confined to the back corners of our heart...only to resurface when we least expected, triggered by the normalcy of events which reminds us that what used to be normal is no more.

What is there to do, then, when confronted with the inevitability of change and the bottomless pit of pain it often causes?

I don't know.  I don't have any "5 easy steps" to overcoming sadness and melancholy.  All I know is to cling to My Jesus.  I go to The Word and hold on to it, claiming the promises, releasing my sorrow and trusting that what He has said in Scripture is true.  

In the middle of this stormy afternoon, when the golden sun of summer is hidden by dark clouds, I go to my source of strength:

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34: 18

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8: 18

‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelations 21: 4

If the Lord can hold the stars in place every night...He can take care of my broken heart.  In the Precious Name of Jesus, the Lord of All My Days! Amen!

Lord of Our Moments

 Life is not the straight, continuous line we often imagine. It is more segmented than that. Life, to me, is a collection of moments.  Some of them we choose.  Many are chosen for us. But the way we experience them is up to us.  Either consciously and intentionally or at times more unconsciously and not so strategically planned, the way we live out our moments is our decision.

I'm not the kind of person who can pause and think before acting or saying something.  Rude things and actions come out of my mouth and body at the slightest provocation.  I've gotten better when I'm in public among people who don't really know me much.  BUT, at home, for example, surrounded by the people I love the most...unfortunately, I am at my worst...

Many of my "moments" at home end up in a downward spiral of yelling and tearing that leave me feeling ashamed and mortified when it's all said and done...especially because I know...deeply in my heart, I do know that it was done by choice.  I'm not controlled by an evil spirit that manipulates me into being mean and nasty to my loved ones.  Consciously or unconsciously, it is me making those bad decisions what transforms moments to be cherished into nightmares to be forgotten.  Like yesterday, for example. Dylan got his driver's license...a moment that should be remembered with warm memories of pride and accomplishment.  Instead, it was a moment forever tainted by me due to my own selfishness.  I got mad at something stupid that hurt my pride and I turned a joyful moment into a prolonged and agonizing time of verbal confrontation that ruined everything.  I had a choice: to be selfish or to be selfless.  I chose the first one.  And, for what purpose?  What was the chief end of that choice?

sigh...

Instead of focusing on Dylan and on celebrating this milestone...I chose to focus on me and my ego.  I felt hurt so I chose to make others feel just as hurt or more...so I could feel better about my own hurt...

Did I accomplish my "mission"?

Well, yeah, I made my loved ones feel terrible. But...I felt worse.  Whatever sick joy I thought I'd get out of hurting others did not materialize...it never does...because that's not how it works.  Inflicting pain does not bring joy...it brings darkness.  It's in loving God and others where we find true joy.  Loving others to the point of self-sacrifice is the key to a fulfilled life...a life spent for others...so others can live.  We need not look further than the person of Jesus:

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15: 13

I know I would jump to fire for my loved ones...but it is in the everyday moments where I need to put my effort, because life is not made out of many, literal "jump-into-the-fire" scenarios, but it is full of tiny and seemingly insignificant "put-them-before-you" moments...and it is up to me to choose how I act and react when those itty-bitty bits come around.  

Thankfully, God knew what He was doing when He created our brains, and designed them in a way that it organizes life into moments...in many cases, pushing the bad ones behind, and bringing the good ones to the forefront.  He knew we couldn't handle it any other way.  I hope Dylan's mind selects yesterday's moment for the "forgotten" storage category in his brain and that he remembers getting his license as the fun day that it began to be.  I pray my loved ones choose to extend grace to me when I slip again...so our moments together can be God-honoring and filled with joy.  I pray we can make Jesus the Lord over all our moments.  In His Precious Name.  Amen!

A Place of Our Own

 Of course every aspect of who Jesus is fascinates me...I'm in complete awe of everything that He IS...but there are a few things that get me in more intense ways than others.  One of these things that speak to me in special ways has to do with His personality.  I am always intrigued by how He commanded audiences of 5,000 plus (Matthew chapters 5 through 7 as one example), called us to pray in groups (Matthew 18: 20) and chose His disciples to walk alongside with Him during His earthly ministry...and yet...He often retreated to solitary places to pray...even in His darkest hour, in the garden of Gethsemane, when He took His inner circle of friends with Him to keep vigil...He also said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” (Matthew 26: 36)

I bet today's phycologists would categorize Jesus as an "ambivert," a person whose personality has a balance of extrovert and introvert features.  To me, He is just acting like a perfectly normal human being: He preaches in the temple, on the mountains, to friendly crowds, to people who want to trick Him, in homes of friends and of tax collectors, He goes to weddings and hangs out at funeral gatherings, but it comes a moment when He needs to gather to Himself and fellowship with the Trinity on His own and pray alone.  He keeps the people in close proximity, but He takes a few steps and goes a bit further still...

I don't pretend to know anything...but to me...I just think that after all the commotion, He needs time to breathe and commune in solitary, private, personal intimacy with The Father and The Holy Spirit in prayer...the most perfect way to connect and communicate with the Divine...in a place just of their own.

Like Jesus, it is also important for us to set aside time to be alone with the Lord...fellowship with others, prayer groups, support systems, service groups, ministry alongside our sisters and brothers in the faith...sharing the Kingdom and our testimony could all be very energizing, but also overwhelming to our senses and to our minds and hearts...often draining us and leaving us like our phones after a day of constant use without plugging them in.  There comes a moment that we need to find a charging station so we can plug ourselves back in and be revived. That's what prayer in solitude does for me.  As much as I love gathering together to pray, and as much as I need that more than I need air...I also need to have that time in which I go "over there and pray" by myself...even if still in proximity of others, even if I can still hear them and see them...but in a spot all by myself.

Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that you will fill our lives with opportunities to serve you in ministry and gather together to pray in groups with the faithful, as well as give us opportunities to have one-on-one intimacy with You at a place that is just ours, so I may know You better and grow closer to Your Heart.  In the Precious Name of Jesus, Our Role Model in Prayer and Life.  Amen!

Thank You, Lord for Another Birthday!

 Birthdays have a funny way of making you reflect, don't they?  I don't think much about mine, but then I go to Facebook and I see the abundance of well wishes from friends and the reality of the blessing of reaching another year hits me.  I don't complain about birthdays.  I just don't think about them much.  But reading the birthday greetings from people from all over, touched my heart in a very special way.  

The Lord, has indeed blessed me with a life filled with love and I don't want to take any of it for granted.  In talking about this with my sister, we both agreed that gratitude is an every moment virtue.  We cannot be blinded by less than ideal circumstances.  If we do, we totally miss the abundant life!  She said, "when I was young, I use to think walking, running, sitting, getting up, squatting, and overall normal, painless movement was a given, now I praise the Lord for every step." Yep...I hear you, sister!

I don't want another minute to go by that I don't feel and humbly express my thanksgiving for this life I've been given...including the pain.  After all, "no pain, no gain," right?  The pain reminds us we are still alive...and anything that reminds us of the blessing of another day is something to be grateful for.

Therefore, as I look back on another birthday, I say: Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift! 2 Corinthians 9:15

There is Hope in Waiting

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27: 14

"Where is THAT KID????!!!!"  "OMGOSH I'M GOING TO .....  UGH!!!!"  "HE IS RUINING MY VACATION!!!!"  

Yep...those words actually came out of my mouth a few weeks ago when we were waiting for Grant to come home from his summer camp job so we could leave for my long-time-dreamed Outer Banks vacation. He was like 1 hour late from when I had hoped he'd be able to be home...and that waiting period KILLED ME! Every minute he was late represented another minute that my beach-time was reduced...and I couldn't deal with it.  

Let's just say, waiting is NOT something I do gracefully.  

God has been trying to teach me the all-too-crucial lesson of waiting in His timing, but I refuse to learn.  So He keeps giving me opportunities to acquire this most important virtue.  The thing that makes it harder is that the lesson includes learning to wait for other people too...waiting in their timing without forcing my timing on them.  Boy, is that a super hard thing to master...sigh...

But the Lord is a Faithful teacher and He has made sure I have living tutorials that re-enforce the class on a daily basis. Being wired to rush, dash and jump...has made it very challenging to live surrounded by 3 gentlemen who seemed to have been born to just chill.  So...hence...the built-in, daily lecture on patience and waiting...sigh...

At any rate, all these came to mind when reading our last verse in Psalm 27...which...I love.  I love it so much because it is like a healing balm to my frazzled mind.  It is a verse that gives me an abundance of hope...and hope is a commodity that is at a premium in this harsh world today.  Thinking about hope reminded me of two words in Spanish that are related:  Esperanza and Esperar.  

Esperanza is a beautiful word that is also used as a name.  The word means, exactly that: Hope...to be precise, it comes from the Latin word "sperare" which means "to have hope." Then, the other word, Esperar which comes from the same Latin word as Esperanza, means..."to wait."  

How beautiful is that? 

Hope and Wait go together.  They come exactly from the same place and they can't be split apart.  There is hope in waiting.  So, I pray...next time I have to wait...I remember the hope that lives inside of that waiting period...so I don't lose it!

Anyway, Grant made it home eventually.  And as usual, God showed me how His plan is a GIZZILION times better than mine because we ended up having the most pleasant, uneventful, smooth ride EVER to that region of the country.  We didn't run into any stopped traffic or highway accidents.  We were stunned.  We concluded that leaving later than usual helped us avoid the "normal" road obstacles we have grown accustomed to when traveling to the Carolinas.  So...waiting paid off...and I got to enjoy the Outer Banks in all their glory...and no harm was caused to Grant.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord, the One Whose Timing is Perfect and Who is All Hope.  Amen!