Test Anxiety Revisited

I can't believe February is almost gone... that was my buffer month... now, with it gone, I have to face March head on.

It sounds crazy, I know.  The thing is that I have my thyroid check ups coming up in March; and that all too familiar test anxiety is threatening me again.  I usually start worrying about this in January; but this year I had February as my buffer zone, so when January came, I was able to remind myself that there was still February.  Now...

Sigh...

I have to admit that this year the Holy Spirit has kept my emotions in check.  When anxious thoughts came to my mind, my Faithful Companion and Counselor would replace them with words of trust and peace.  These preliminary anxious thoughts, as I call them, have felt like chapter tests.  At work, I give students chapter tests at the end of each chapter in our textbook.  So far, which each passing month, I have been able to get good/decent scores in those chapter tests. I'm dreading the final exam, though.

Then, I read my devotional this morning and, as a helpful study guide (I give my students comprehensive study guides before every test, and they seem to think they are helpful... : ) my Divine Teacher takes me through a brief review of the issue in preparation for the exam:  "Your gravest danger is worrying about tomorrow.  If you try to carry tomorrow's burdens today, you will stagger under the load and eventually fall flat.  You must discipline yourself to live within the boundaries of today..." (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

Lord, You know my heart...countless times You've seen me fall flat on my face, not in worship, as it should be...but in worry...bowing down to fear and stress.  Today, I pray You will give me what I need in order to travel through these days in peace, trusting You, knowing You are with me always.  I know that worry is born out of unbelief.  Please, Lord, help me get rid of my unbelief.  Lead my path so I can walk by faith and not by sight.  Show me how to keep my focus on You and on today, not on my problems or in the future.  Teach me the lesson in a way my troubled mind can finally learn it and I can ACE the final test:

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  Matthew 6: 33-34

March will be here in a couple of blinks.  The day of my check up is approaching fast.  I trust that this time around, rather than panicking and stressing out, I will seek refuge in His Word and in His Promises, for they are new every morning...

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41: 10

In the Precious Name of Jesus...Amen!

Not Perfect, But Forgiven...

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. 

Galatians 5: 22-26

This was the passage that Pastor Doug preached about yesterday at church.  I have to say, he touched on a few things that bring me back to the concepts I want to focus on during this Lent season. 

First of all, he pointed out that walking with the Spirit is not automatic.  Not because we have become members of the family of God, we are immediately spiritually mature.  The reality of the indwelling of the Holy Spirit in us is not about magically turning into sanctified beings.  We still walk on this earth, and as such, we still have to deal with the other reality at play:  this is a fallen world and sin runs rampart.

We don't become perfect all of a sudden.  Of course, with one look from His eyes, Christ could free us from any stronghold we have.  Of course, Jesus can choose to break the chain of our struggle by only saying the word.  The struggle, however, is often part of the healing...part of growing.  The diamond comes forth after carving out the carbon that covers it.  The pearl is form through the pressure.  The gold is refined by the fire.  The wings of the butterfly are made strong enough to fly after the caterpillar wrestles in the cocoon.  I mean, you name it!  The analogies that exemplify the need for the hardship abound in the natural world!  So, perfection might never come while on this shore.  What's the point, then?

The point is to stick with the process.  We are to allow room for the Holy Spirit to work in us.  We are to get out of the way and let Him be Lord!

Growing in our faith is a life-long-road that is only accomplished by staying on it.  The only way to reach Spiritual maturity is by consistently crucifying our sinful nature as we walk on the road Christ has paved for us with His very own blood.

We are not perfect, but empowered, Pastor Doug said...and I truly loved that idea.  The Holy Spirit in us empowers us to take on that road to sanctification.  And my job is to seek Him first!  My job is to keep my eyes on Him!  My job is to pursue a close relationship with Him by spending time in His presence. 

We are not perfect, but forgiven... I continue to fall... but Praised be the Name of the Lord! He picks me up... He takes me, just as I am...

I come broken to be mended

I come wounded to be healed

I come desperate to be rescued

I come empty to be filled

I come guilty to be pardoned

By the blood of Christ the Lamb

And I'm welcomed with open arms

Praise God, just as I am

Cleaning the Floors

I like having guests over.  I really, REALLY enjoy hospitality fellowship.  I think there is something very special about opening our homes to others.  It opens the path to a deeper communion and friendship.  I wish I could entertain all the time!  I also like it because, nothing cleans the house better than the idea of having people visiting.

Am I right? or Am I right?

My house has been a horrendous mess during the first two months of the year.  The floor has been particularly unbearable.  Those pesky little black ice-melting pebble-like particles get everywhere... EVERYWHERE!!!!  I hate it!!!!  And my kids just don't get it..."take your shoes off by the door and leave them on the rug!" I say every day.  But, they don't care.  Apparently boys don't have any nerve endings on the bottom of their feet so they don't feel the darn miniature rocks piercing through their skin.  AH, but I believe, yesterday, I found the secret of keeping a clean floor: making them clean it!

Yes, yesterday we had the blessing of having guests over...so, obviously, panic struck me.  There was no way I could clean the house by myself, so I delegated.  Dylan got the floors.  It was a joy to see him struggle! (is that wrong of me to say?) He was so annoyed! Ha, ha!!! I can't write this without laughing!  I should have recorded it.  He got so irritated every time the dog or Grant would walk by, I had to tell him to chill!  He was actually doing feet inspections afterwards to make sure everyone was safe to walk on his clean floors...apparently Grant's feet didn't pass the quality control test because he came over to complain about it. 

I can't express how delightful it was to witness such an experience.  Today, as I took my first steps on the still clean floors, I was overcome by joy...but I also began to think about how that must be a pale, but perhaps accurate depiction of the joy they experience in the heavenly realms when a child of God finally learns a lesson. 

Down here, we dread it.  However, like I tell my students, "if you are not struggling, you are not learning!"  The best and most enduring lessons are learned through the fiercest of the struggles.  We certainly don't appreciate it while in the middle of the trial.  We fear it and try to avoid it; but the hope of a good lesson well learned is worth the test. 

Our Heavenly Father knows that the secret to helping us "clean" our spiritual houses so we can get rid of the pesky dirt that so easily and quickly threatens to cover us is to let us experience the arduous cleaning process.  He knows we will struggle, and thankfully, since He is full of Mercy, Compassion and Love, unlike me, He doesn't go into His room to secretly laugh at our wrestling.  Instead, He is with us, often doing the sweeping, mopping and vacuuming Himself, while we lie on the ground too spent and too weak to even look up and realize that He is taking onto Himself the hard work that should belong to us. 

Our guests came and we had a wonderful time! I hope :)  We certainly did! And, although we didn't talk about the clean floors or even thought about them...I trust the lesson was learned and that the joy of clean floors is a clear reminder of the beauty that comes from the struggle, not only because that's how we best learn, but because hopefully I finally might have gotten rid of the pesky ice-melting pebbles I hate so much!

The Chain of Peace

I don't know about you, but this season of Lent...this year...the rest of my life, really, I would like to spend it meditating on ways to peace.  My heart and my soul are places of constant commotion and unrest.  I have shared before, worry is my middle name.  Anxiety is my companion.  And, I'm ashamed to declare it, but fear is often my guide.  I know...it's awful...but if I'm honest, I have to admit that I allow fear to set the direction of my steps more than I realize.

And I am tired of it.

I want peace in my heart.  Not the peace that normal test results give me...I want the peace that stays with me forever, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of my condition, regardless of my surroundings.  I want the kind of peace that flows like a river. I want the peace that stays in spite of the tribulations, as Jesus promised (John 16: 33).

The thing I have to remember, though, is that the key to this peace lies entirely on Him... "for He Himself is our peace..."(Ephesians 2: 14). He is the One who has overcome the world.  He is the One who has fulfilled the law.  He is the One, the Only One who gives peace in an enduring manner, not like the world gives.  Without Him, there is no peace.  Peace is a Person!

Peace, therefore, doesn't happen in isolation.  It's part of a process designed by grace and strengthened by love.  And this process revolves around the Person of Jesus. The way I see it, the process begins with knowledge.  Who do you say that I am? (Mark 8: 29)  Do we have an answer to this question?  Do we know who He is?  Do we know who Jesus is in our heart?

To know Him is to Trust Him.  That seems like the next step.  If we don't trust Him, it might have something to do with the fact that we might not know Him well yet.  Faulty trust might signal a weak relationship with Christ.  I say this because this is where I am right now.  My trust shakes with every shift in the wind.  And I believe it is because I am still wrestling with the answer to the question above:  Who is This Man that the winds and the waves obey?  Is He truly my Lord?  Do I spend the necessary time getting to know Him in the Word?  Do I invest my thoughts in getting to know Him better?  Do I value my relationship with Jesus enough to devote my heart to Him?

I know I will never know all that there is to be known about My Lord...but I'm called to sit at His feet...do I do it?  Do I seek Him first? Am I in the habit of choosing Him above all else, or do I choose the world instead?

To know Christ is to Trust Him, for we trust whom we know.  If I truly knew Him, I would know that He who promised is Faithful and that His love for me is real, for His banner over me is Love. (Hebrews 10: 23; Song of Solomon 2: 4) Therefore, I would not have so much trouble surrendering to Him.  I struggle with surrender.  In marriage, I have a hard time adhering my will to the will of my husband.  But I know Dan, and I have no doubts about his good will and his love for me and our family.  I have invested more than half of my life getting to know that man.  Therefore, I trust him and I eventually do surrender to him for I trust his leadership.

But surrendering also implies letting go.  The burdens that we carry are too heavy.  We were not made to drag around such weight.  The tight grip we keep on our issues shows a tendency to desire control.  Letting go means relinquishing all control.  This is a rather scary proposition for those, like me, who crave the power of controlling our destinies. I don't want to let go because I don't know what will happen next if I do...and I don't like the unknown.  But I'm called to be still and know that He is God! (Psalm 46: 10)

That is why our capacity of letting go is fueled by our faith. Most of the times that Jesus rebuked someone, mainly His disciples, was because they were exhibiting little faith.  I believe, He was persistent on His "you of little faith, why are you so afraid?" stance particularly with his disciples precisely because they were His disciples!  They were the humans who knew Him best!  Why did they insist in doubting?  Why did they have such a hard time trusting and surrendering?  I think it is because, like me...or me like them...we still have more road to walk with Him...still have more polishing of our faith to be done...still have more fruits of the Spirit to grow and bloom in our souls...still have more sifting to go through.  Like Peter, I am so quick to talk, but so slow to comprehend.  It usually takes an extra measure of tribulation for me to get the lesson...sigh...

But, not unlike Peter, as I let go in faith I find a path to forgiveness.  Once again, if you are anything like me...I have some hurts in my heart that I have not yet allowed the soothing balm of forgiveness to healed 100%.  Sometimes I feel as if I'm almost there, but then, something happens, and the wound opens up again.  At that time, I see the reality of unforgiveness...I see also that one of those things I have the most trouble forgiving is myself.  I am my harshest judge.  There is nothing anyone could ever blame me for that I hadn't blamed myself for before.  I'm my worst critic and I'm my hardest accuser.  That is why peace seems so elusive...because forgiveness, of others and of ourselves, moves us closer to peace.

The peace I'm seeking involves accepting that Jesus died on the cross to cleanse me...to forgive me.  And if I confess my sins, He is Faithful and Just and Merciful to forgive me and purify me from my unrighteousness (1 John 1: 9)...even me...Therefore, who am I then to hang on to unforgiveness?

However, how do I ever accomplish all these steps???  I'm so flawed and my resolve is so fickle...how in the world could I do this process?  Before I become even more stressed out...I need to pause...and pray...Peace is a Person and His name is Jesus!

Prayer is the first step...coming to His Throne in humility and keeping the communication is how we could ever begin to attempt this quest...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4: 6-7)

These steps seem more like the links of a chain than a lineal process.  As ironic as it may sound, these links shape the chain that frees us!  Together, they form an unbreakable circle of mercy and grace that marks us and sets us apart as the beloved children of the Most High.  These are the links that connect us to Jesus:  prayer, knowledge, trust, surrender, forgiveness and peace... may we not break it, but live within it, meditate in it and dwell in His presence, the overpowering force that forges and sustains our connection...our relationship...our chain of peace.

Restless Soul

We happen to be studying the Patriarchs in Sunday School and of course we are starting with Abraham.  

I have to say that dear, old Abe is a very intriguing person to me.  I absolutely love the passage where God calls him out of Ur.  I love Abraham's resolve to obey God and leave the only place he has ever called home, even when the destination was completely unknown.

There is something terribly romantic about that, in my opinion.  

And the reason I find it romantic, I think, is because I can identify with the idea of leaving home...and everything one has ever known, to go to a place that you haven't even heard of before.

My journey certainly did not impact the history of the world or the salvation of the people of God...but it did involve a change in my personal history and the bursting of my own little bubble.  I didn't pack camels and take the whole family with me.  In two suitcases I carried what I could fit, completely ignorant of how ill-prepared I was for my future, most of all, for the insane Western PA winters.  

Sigh...

It's been almost 30 years, but I still don't know the full extent this experience will finally have in my life or the lives of those whom I have met along my journey.  But one thing I do know... the journey has left me with a restless soul.

This morning, as we talked about the difference of a life "settled" and a life as a nomad, dwelling in tents, I couldn't help but thinking how appealing the wandering life-style sounded to me.   I love the idea of camping.  I often say things like:  "let's sell everything, buy an RV and go travel everywhere!"  My family ignores me, and chalks it up to me being insane.  

Sigh...

The truth is...I am not joking!

I don't know what it is, but I get restless when I am in the same place too long.  I don't like the idea of "settling."  I'm afraid of settling because I'm afraid of losing...probably not so much of losing my freedom...but, of losing the place where I settle.  I'm afraid I will fall in love with the place so much, that one day I would not want to leave it, but someone of something will come in and take it away from me...like it already happened when I left my childhood home in Panama...and now is out of my reach forever.

I loved my parents' house.  I loved everything about it.  I loved my bed.  I loved the way the wind moved the curtains in my room on a breezy day.  I loved the cool, old-fashion tile on the floor.  I loved staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out shapes on the different shades of the wood.  I loved the little patio off the kitchen where I spent endless hours, days, weeks, months and years hanging out with Rosa while she sat at her sewing machine, cooked, washed clothes, or just spent time talking to me about nothing important in-between chores.  I loved the yard full of fruit trees.  I even loved the ugly pepto bismol shade of pink in my bathroom... it just added to the overall vintage-feel of the entire house... it added to the love I felt every day I was there.

I never imagined, in my wildest dreams...that one day, that would not be my home anymore.  I never expected that the grand gate that so many nights I shut and locked myself, would be shut and locked in front of my face, while standing on the other side of the fence...but that is the way things are today, and it is very hard to bear.

It's no wonder that a tent might sound suitable.  After all, you can pack it up and take it with you everywhere you go... I can drive my house around if I live in an RV.  I can go to the beach and to the mountains, and my house will follow me!  How convenient!

But that's not what I'm supposed to do.  Deep down, I know it, and I accept it...but it scares me.

God called me out of my Ur many years ago, and even though I didn't know where I was going, it ended up being my own personal land of milk and honey... so, if I am supposed to learn something out of this whole thing, I pray it may be that no matter what, God loves me, and regardless of where He calls me to, He will go before me, and He will take care of all my needs...here, there and everywhere.

May He give me rest and peace to trust in Him. 

That Could've Been Me

Dylan has always been very aware of the fact that he was born in Guatemala, but I think it is only very recently that he has began to realize that his life would have been very different, had he stayed in his country of birth.

Today, for example, was a day in which, even if for a fleeting moment, he became in touch with that reality.  At church, we had the privilege of listening to the testimony and stories of the mission team that just returned from a trip to Haiti last Sunday evening.  Eight members of our church, including our Pastor, spent a week in Haiti with Autumn, our beloved home-growon, full-time missionary who lives there, tending to the needs of the truly "least of these..." I cannot even begin to explain all the work that Autumn does in Haiti...that will be the topic of a book, as far as I'm concerned...maybe someday the Lord will open the door for that book to be written...but today, I just wanted to talk about the impact that her work has in us, here at home.

the thing is that the pictures and the stories of the mission team were so vivid and descriptive that Dylan could not ignore them. "Are the roads there worse than in Panama?"  He asked me when one of the team members was explaining the complete lack of infrastructure in the country.  "Panama is rich, compared to Haiti, Dylan," I replied.

Usually, my young son allows his mind to wander aimlessly while at church...but not today.  I know that there was lots that he couldn't understand...but he did grasp the core of the story:  people in Haiti are hurting.  The children's faces on the pictures were enough for Dylan to see the dire circumstances that surround those young faces, and the talk of insanitary towns, garbage, extreme poverty and neglect were all too real, and hard to ignore even for Dylan.

"That could have been me, if I had stayed in Guatemala..." He said to me quietly, turning his little face away from the pictures that had captured his total attention.  "Well, maybe not that bad, right mama?" 

At that moment, I realized the truth:  That could have been any of us, had the Lord not planned for us to be here in America.

I cannot describe the feelings I experienced listening to the mission team's stories.  It was a combination of anger, frustration, sadness, confusion, compassion, pain and love.  But one thing is for certain, I am very glad that they went and very thankful that they took their time to tell us about their trip and what they saw.  I'm glad for Dylan, but I'm also glad for me, because it opened my eyes to a world, not too far away from here, where human dignity is denied, where basic human needs are left unmet, where the dump is everywhere, where the only way to appreciate the beauty of nature is by looking up, but at the same time, a place where God is moving in mysterious and powerful ways.

"Yes, Dylan...there are few places where things are worse than Haiti in the entire world..." I managed to say to my boy...while I wrestled in my mind with the impotence and futility of my own life on the one side, and on the other side, with the sense of gratitude to God's plan for placing me here and not there...

That could have very easily been me as well...

Now, the fact that it is not my face on any of the pictures depicting residents of Haiti carries a mission in itself...but, what?  What is my role, now that I'm aware?

I don't know.  But I pray that the same way God decided not to place me in Haiti, He decides to use my life and my resources, and my blessings to bless the less fortunate wherever they may be.  I pray He takes me where my feet have never wandered and where my arms have never reached out to in order to do my part in helping bring His Light forth so that the current night may become like the noonday.

Of Kids, Dogs and Trust...

Having kids...and a dog...any dependents, really, have taught me A LOT about trust.  Think about feeding time.  You give them food, they eat it!  I mean, yeah, I know...some are pickier than others, so in my house, if I give Grant or Link green beans, they won't eat them...Dylan would eat it all by himself, but not the other two.  However, let's be honest here: generally, you give boys or a dog food, and they will eat it!  Am I right?  At least that's how it goes in my house...

The thing is that, putting the picky tastes aside, when I give my sons and my dog, and my husband too, actually, food they like, they eat it!  They don't question it.  They don't wonder if I had poisoned it.  They don't wonder if I put something weird in it that will make them pass out or lose their wits.  Even when the food I'm giving them might make their stomachs unsettled or give them a sugar rush...when they sit down to eat it, they don't question my motives.  We give Link a pill once a month, and we hide it in a piece of hot dog (BEST PILL POCKET EVAH!!!!) or in a piece of chicken...his personal favorite among all the meats...and he takes it... I mean, really, it could be a cyanide pill in there...he takes it!  He doesn't stop to ponder our intentions for giving him the darn thing...my dog takes the pill...my kids eat the food ...

I don't think it has ever occurred to my sons to have the slightest or most remote thought that I could possibly mean them any harm when feeding them...even if my food is not that great!  Link, our dog...even less...he doesn't have many thoughts, actually, and among the very few he might have, I am certain thinking I'm poisoning him is not one of them.  If I could just feed him all day long, he'd be the happiest dog alive!

They don't think about the possibilities of any hidden motives in my scary head because of one thing:  they trust me.

They don't question my intentions, because they trust me.

They are not afraid to take the food, except when it just looks or smells scary... just kidding... because they trust me.

They even take the pill, or the cough syrup, or the losegen that they don't particularly want to take, because I'm the one giving it to them and THEY. TRUST. ME.

And the reason they trust me is because they trust I love them...and because I love them, I would never do anything to harm them! And they know that!  Of course, I'm not perfect, but I will do anything within my power and mind to never do anything to intentionally cause them pain or hurt...I know my actions often do end up harming them, but it is not intentionally done...it is the result of me being a sinner.  All I want for my sons, my loved ones, my dog is good and beautiful things! And I will do whatever I can to give them those as much as possible! And they know that.  They know my love, although imperfect, is extravagant!!!

Then...why do I have such trouble trusting God?

"Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7: 9-12

Why can't I learn from the trust my sons and my dog exhibit for me?  How come, if I am such a horrible sinner and even worst mother, my kids and my pet are able to still trust me, but I can't bring myself to fully and completely surrender my all to God once and for all...and just trust!?

Sigh...

Perhaps, it is because I trust myself too much.  I have an inflated image of me and my abilities.  I have a distorted vision of my powers.  My eyesight has been blurred by my pride.

Holy Spirit, this Lent, please teach me to see...to truly see how You love me and how I am nothing without You.  Please, teach me to abandon myself in You as I know You and trust You even in my darkest and scariest hour.  Even as I become cold with the chill of anxiety, allow me to remember that You are my Good, Good, Father and that no matter what...You are with me, taking care of me each step of the way.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Prov. 3:5&6