"Signature Insecurities"

"Daddy told me to come upstairs to get ready for bed, and I did what I was told!!!" Dylan announced to me with arms raised in victory and a great sense of accomplishment last night as I sat on the floor watching a silly movie to unwind. 

"That is wonderful, Dylan!  See, you can do it!"  I said, half jokingly, half remembering he desperately needs to hear positive reinforcement coming from...me...

I am a horrible mother...I yell too much.  I'm too pushy.  I'm too harsh.  I snap too quick.  I can't control my tongue.  The list goes on and on and on... Dylan and I are constantly embattled.  We are too much alike, so the battle of the wills is endless between the two of us.  I demand obedience and he wants to show me I'm not boss.  It is a constant tug of war in that respect.  He complaints that I'm mean.  I complaint he doesn't listen.  I have told him like about a trillion times during his short life, that he should give obedience a try, because he will see how his life becomes so much better and easier.  He keeps refusing, choosing to label me unloving, instead.

Needless to say, I'm very insecure about my abilities to be a good and loving mother. 

When Dylan says that I'm mean...I take another step in my downward spiral staircase to the pit where horrible mothers dwell. 

Sigh...

I think, I'm dealing with what author Holley Gerth calls a "signature insecurity," in chapter 5 of her book You're Going to Be Okay.  She says that our insecurities sabotage our social interactions.  That, of course, makes total sense.  She goes deeply into discerning how our insecurities, particularly our "signature" insecurities are the ones that cause the most damage, because they are always related to the ways God uses us the most.

Let's think about that in light of my situation.

First, when I think about the last time I felt insecure because of my inadequacy as a mother, it had to do with me yelling at Dylan.

Second, when I think about my fear of what would happen after I yell, I fear he would grow up deeply scarred and feeling unloved...

Third, when I think about why that would matter to me if that does happen, I fear he is not going to love me because he thinks I am unlovable...

Sigh...

Now, remembering what the author says: "those insecurities are always tied to our gifts and God's calling on our lives," (96) how does that tied in for me?

What gift am I looking at in here?  All I see is selfishness.  I feel insecure in my ability to be a good mother because I am full of pride and I want everyone to see how awesome I am, and Dylan is blowing my cover.  All I see is someone seeking to be loved, but being unloving; therefore, becoming unlovable due to her self-seeking tendencies.

Could it be possible that in my case, my signature insecurity is tightly related not to my gift, but to my sin?

Double sigh...

What do insecurities tend to do in us?  They paralyze us with fear.  We don't want to do the thing, whatever it is, because we are afraid it may push the button that leads us deeper into the pit of our insecurity.  If the author is right, an our core insecurities are always tied to our gifts...it makes total sense.  The devil uses our insecurities to keep us from doing the thing we were made to do!

The enemy is seeking to devour us and he does that by trying to separate us from God.  If he could keep us away from our purpose and our destiny, he thinks he wins, because he thinks he is keeping us away from Our God too.

The good news is that nothing can separate us from the love of God!

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,

neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8: 38-39

The enemy is defeated and no matter what he does, he cannot change the fact that God's love for us is eternal and unbreakable!

The enemy is the father of lies and he deceives us into even thinking that our gift is our sin...

After doing this little exercise in the book, I realize that my insecurity is not tied to my sin of pride or selfishness...yes, I have those sins...it is actually tied to my desire to love and be loved, which is the freedom that we find in Christ!  I surprised myself when I realized I actually love people...and I want to express that by being loving...it's just that I am so insecure about my ability to love, that I just run the other way all the time.  I think I will harm instead of benefit, and then I will cause them to perceive me as unlovable...therefore, I act unlovingly...

Does that make any sense?

Of course it doesn't.  That's why insecurities are so hard to break free from.

The first step to break free is to realize the gift behind it.  I have the Holy Spirit in me.  He is the miracle.  He is the Gift!  He makes me a person that is capable of feeling great empathy.  I feel the pain of others as if it were mine.  That is an expression of the love of the Holy Spirit in me.  But my flesh and sinful nature make me selfish.  There is so much pain in the world, I don't want to feel it.  It's too much to bear.  So I cover myself in this blanket of lovelessness so I am not perceived as someone who feels the pain.  The enemy tucks me in, nice and tight under this cover.  And there I stay...removed from the pain...wasting my gift...

I'm totally sabotaging myself.  But, by becoming aware, I pray that the Holy Spirit will guide me and help me recognize what's happening.  By making Jesus King in my heart and soul, I should be able to claim His victory and His redemption.

It is for freedom that Christ has set me free! (Galatians 5: 1) I need to claim this freedom.  It's been unused for far too long.