Tuesday, October 27, 2015
The Adventure of Being a Mom
Our 10 year-old son, in a moment of frustration, once told us: “you don’t take very good care of me…” That sentence has stuck in our brains ever since; and even though we often jokingly bring it up to try to make light of it…the truth is…it was a deeply convicting statement spoken out of the mouth of our babe…
Dylan’s words constantly resonate in my brain accusingly reminding me that I am not a good Mother.
Ever since I began this adventure on Motherhood I have felt truly inadequate. I am very aware of my mistakes. I feel defeated by my lack of self-control and extremely short temper. My impatience misguides me every day. And sometimes I wonder if gentleness will ever be one of my qualities?
My default mode is anger and my immediate reaction is generally harshness. It is almost impossible for me to remain calm in the face of anything that disrupts the “plan…,” “MY plan.” I don’t tolerate interruptions and my agenda is usually a rigid entity that does not allow room for changes or flexibility.
I could go on and on and on and on forever, listing my faults, venting my frustrations…all to no avail…sigh…
The only place I get by continuing this defeating attitude is a place where despair, anxiety and self-loathing reigns. And that’s not what our Lord wants us to do. As Mothers, no matter how bad we think we are, we ought to stand firm in our Lord, on the path of Christ, and co-parent with Him. Of course we’d feel like failures if we continue to believe that we are in this motherhood business all on our own. The path to a fulfilled experience as a Mother is marked by the blood of Jesus, and in order to follow it, we need to have blood stains on our knees.
Constant prayer is the only way. Constant communication with the source of all wisdom is the only way we can ever begin to feel a sense of assurance that we may be doing the right thing. It doesn’t mean, however, that we will be perfect and won’t make mistakes. Of course not! We are still humans. But it is the only way to not be plagued by consuming guilt and a crushing sense of inadequacy. It is the only way to remember that, for some reason unknown to us, God chose us to be the mother of our children, and even though we don’t know what we are doing, He does! And He is in control! He thought we could do this… and if He designed it this way, who are we to doubt it?
Parenting with Christ by our side is the only way to remain sane. By continuing to doubt my abilities and my wisdom as a Mother, I’m doubting His ability and His wisdom as God.
Our children will do and say things that would cut straight through our heart. They have the power to dismember us spiritually. But that is part of what they have to work out with God themselves. Our job is to persevere in the assurance that Christ leads us and that He is Lord over all, even over our faults, over our mishandlings, over our mistakes, over our sin. So as Mothers, let us forgive ourselves. Let us encourage one another, sharpen one another with the love and comfort that understanding the truth of our reality as flawed human beings brings to our weary souls, and let’s trust that the One who designed the plan is in control, and He is perfect so we don’t have to be.