To Dwell or To Settle?

After a little hiatus, I have picked up my copy of You're Going to be Okay by Holley Gerth, and as expected, it caused me to pause as she mentioned something that intrigued me.  At the end of chapter 6, she talks about how we are not meant to settle in the places of hurt: the desert, the hard places, depression, fear...We are not to settle anywhere but in the center of all God has for us. Then, she says:  "You aren't created to settle.  You're created to dwell." (129)

hmmmm...

I know that I might be straying away from the core message of this chapter here, but I love words, so I was puzzled.  What's the difference between to settle and to dwell?

I'm not an English native speaker, and of course, many things about the English language confuse me; but I want to know what she really meant?  I really want to know!  I think the author is inviting us to do something profound here, and I don't want to miss it.  After comparing definitions...I don't think I'm any clearer, so I think I need help from those who have been speaking and thinking in English since birth, because I believe that the difference resides in the connotation of the terms, not so much in the conceptual or denotative meaning. 

To dwell in the Old Testament usually is a translation of words that mean to sit down, and also to abide, to inhabit, to remain.  In the New Testament the most frequent meaning is to abide.  (https://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionaries/eastons-bible-dictionary/dwell.html)  According to the same source in Bible Study Tools online, to settle denotes fixedness.  In the Old Testament, to settle points to a condition of absolute quiescence, as the settlings on the lees (Zephaniah 1: 12, Jeremiah 48: 11); and in still another place it means packing solidly together (Psalm 65: 10).

"Settling on the lees..." that made me even more intrigued... "Men settled on their lees" (Zephaniah 1: 12) are men "hardened or crusted." The image is derived from the crust formed at the bottom of wines long left undisturbed (Jeremiah 48: 11). The effect of wealthy undisturbed ease on the ungodly is hardening. They become stupidly secure." (http://biblehub.com/topical/l/lees.htm)

WOW!

So I guess...even though both words have similar conceptual meanings: to be established, to remain...the connotation of to dwell is never negative and it's mostly associated with God's choice to inhabit within close proximity of His children, and the need for His children to abide in Him.  To settle, on the other hand, has a connotation of fixedness...a faith that is so rigid that it's not malleable.  A life that is so set, that almost becomes a brick, which cannot be shaped any other way.  A walk that has stopped, even though the road is not over yet.

I guess, that's why friends so often tell their girlfriends "don't settle for that guy!" Once we settle, we run the risk of becoming stagnant...almost like we give up, and we just take what we got because we stop believing that there is something else better waiting for us as we continue our walk with Christ by our side.

The nuances of language are fascinating to me.  I'm not sure I got this right... but all I know is that I don't want my faith to become rigid.  I don't want to "settle on the lees."  I want to remain like the clay that He, Our Divine Potter, can mold in His loving hands and make me into His masterpiece.  I want to be obedient to Jesus, as He exhorts us to abide...to remain in Him.

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.  

John 15: 7-11

Healed!

For the last 5 years I have had intense seasons of testing...literally...and figuratively...  It is amazing what you find out about yourself when illness strikes.  I have found out many things in my experience.  I have realized that I cannot do this alone.  I need the prayers and the warmth of those around me.  And I am most thankful because the Lord has blessed me with my very own, personal, great cloud of witnesses, who surround me, and who are made evident on the faces of my church family, sisters in Christ, prayer warriors, and blood family.  I have found out that I can call out to them and they answer me...which brings me the type of comfort and reassurance that could only be orchestrated from Heaven above!

I have also learned that I am weak.  I have learned that I crumble under pressure.  I have learned that I am not as strong as I once thought I was.  I used to border on arrogance when it came to thinking of myself.  I had this image of me being a tower of fortitude.  My years dealing with testing has taught me to be humble and not to think of myself as a self-sufficient entity.  I am weak.  But in my weakness, He is strong!  I have learned that too!  The weaker I am, the stronger His glory, power and might radiates!  Even me, little, weak me can do these things...yes...not because I am awesome...but because He is!

I have also realized that my faith needs to be strengthened.  Again, I bordered on arrogance when it came to what I thought my level of maturity in the faith was.  I thought of myself as a rather advanced Christian...whatever that might mean?!  Pride blurred my vision and deceived me into thinking I had the matters of the Spirit all figured out.  Little did I know then, that I know very little about anything.  The constant testing, however, has helped me push ahead in my steps of faith.  Rather than immediate panic as my first response, I now know I must go to the Word.  I find my refuge in the Psalms during my time of testing.  And every time I open my Bible, I discover a fresh word... yesterday, as I waited (not my favorite activity at all!) to get the results of my last tests, I was reading through the Psalms and this jumped at me:

Praise be to the Lord,

for he has heard my cry for mercy. 

The Lord is my strength and my shield;

my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.

My heart leaps for joy,

and with my song I praise him. Psalm 28: 6-7

I read these words shortly before I received the e-mail that contained the results of that one tests I was fearing...and it was a direct word from the Lord, in my opinion...for I have been reciting to myself the words:  "I trust You, Lord! I trust You, Lord!..." over and over and over again for weeks...and He helped me...so reading this Psalm was particularly invigorating!  

I went downstairs and checked my e-mail and there it was...a completely normal result on my cancer marker... my last check up the number had been higher than usual, which caused me to freak out!  But here it was, back to the normal level...

But, why was I surprised!?  I was not.  The Lord is Faithful and He has healed me.  I just have to believe it!  He has healed me for a purpose...I have to claim it!  He has given me victory, I need to own it!

But, furthermore, even if I weren't healed...He is still Good and His plan is still perfect!  I learned that 5 years ago when I got a diagnosis I had been fearing.  I learned that back then when the outcome was not what I had prayed for.  I learned that when He showed me that regardless of the answer, His ways are better than mine.

I don't think I could be experiencing the intensity of relationship I have now with Christ, had the doctor told me, back in 2013, that I was clean and that there were no malignant lesions.  I would just had gone back to my old ways...my growth had been stagnant...my relationships with my beloved had stayed superficial.  

He loves us anyway.  And so should we.  Let us Trust and Believe that His timing and paths are the perfect ones...not ours.  I still have a long way to go.  I just pray that for as long as God gives me life, I can focus on seeking Him first and continue figuring out His designs for my life.  We have ALL been healed for a purpose.  I pray He shows it to us in a clear way, and that we have the courage to pursuit it!

Trust Stone

This past Sunday, Dylan got a beautiful stone with the word "Trust" engraved on it.  He got it at Children at Worship service.  I saw the stone and I wanted it!!!  We got into a... "discussion" about it, and came to an agreement:  the stone would sit in our kitchen, right above the sink for all of us to see at all times.  

I love that little stone.  It has brought me great comfort.  In these days of uncertainty, when fear creeps up in my heart, threatening to destroy me, deceiving me, creating a most unbearable battle in my mind...this little stone sits as a reminder to bring me back to the Solid Rock of my Salvation!  

Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. 

Psalm 62: 6

I fill my heart with thanksgiving and praise so fear may have no place.  I thank my Loving, Heavenly Father for being my Provider and for pointing me to the truth that He is into the smallest of details.  He knew I needed a solid reminder that He is on the Throne now and forever more.  And I thank Him for it

I will continue to look at that little trust stone as a way to redirect my thoughts.  As a reminder that I want to build my house upon the Rock so it would not be washed away by the current, the winds or the storm.  Keep us under Your Wings, Our Dear Lord!

I Almost Cried

Movies are one of the main source of entertainment for our family.  We are constantly watching films on TV and the boys and I often go to the theaters to watch new releases.  Dan sometimes joins us, but he is pretty selective.  Most of the time is just the kids and I.  The funny thing is that if there is anything, like even a little bit of emotional stuff in the movie we are watching, Dylan and I usually get caught up in it and we can't help it... we are criers... Grant, on the other hand...man, is that kid tough? or what?  I don't remember when was the last time I saw anything resembling tears on that boy's face. 

Anyhoo... he always makes fun of Dylan and I for being such softies at the movies.  It is not even funny anymore.

Well, last night, the four of us went to see the movie I Can Only Imagine ...WOW!  What a film... Powerful to say the least.  And of course...a tear-jerker of the best kind.  The movie ended, and as the credits began to roll on the screen, this brief exchange took place:

Dylan: "I cried like 9 times."  (9 is a number Dylan uses when he means A LOT!)
Me:     "Man...that was awful!  Me too..." 
Dylan: "I thought I was going to burst!"
Me:     "I didn't know what to do with myself!"

We found our composure and walked out to the lobby where we saw several familiar faces from church.  I thought I could talk about some particular details about the movie, so I began to mention that one of my favorite parts was the drawing of the...NO SPOILER, because that's about all I could say before I sensed my face begin to discombobulate and felt hot tears forming in my eyes...so I just stopped mid sentence, which my interlocutor was grateful for because she was beginning to tear up too.

We said our goodbyes and as we walked out of the theater, Dylan and I started talking about how sad we were again, at which Grant said:  "I almost cried."

WHOA, WHAT?

I hadn't even thought about asking him about it since it never occurred to me to mention it...so the words took me by surprise.  Then, I knew that movie was powerful.

I don't want to spoil it for those who haven't seen it.  I just want to say that I endorse it :)  Not that my endorsement means anything, but if you are looking for a movie that has the ability to deeply touch your emotions...this is one.  It's real, and perhaps, it could be too real.  I heard today that Bart Millard, the lead singer of the group Mercy Me on whose life the movie is based, had to go to therapy before they could produce the movie for it deals with such profoundly intimate issues that if left unresolved, they can really mess up one's life.

I think people are going to be talking about this movie for a long time.  The lessons we can glean from it are countless.  And most of all, the proof of the love and might of our Great Lord is evident on the screen in a way that could be perceived by even those not in the faith.

I pray it is a huge hit and that moviegoers all over the world benefit from it.  If you have a chance, go see it...but, remember, bring a box of kleenex...because I bet, that at least, you may "almost cry"!

Flowing Peace

This year, I decided that my guiding word was going to be peace... So far, the New Years resolution had been working fine... up until now...

As my hour of test approaches, I feel myself falling deeper and deeper into worry-induced anxiety about the results of my upcoming medical tests.  I have tried to keep busy, but it just happens:  thoughts of "what if" scenarios begin to pop into my mind and I begin to have cold sweats and shivers all over my body. 

Then, I knew it was time for reinforcements.  I've said it before, if I don't talk about it, I burst.  It is worst for me to keep my anguish secret, so I write about it...that's the most effective way for me to express it.  So, over the last couple of days, I texted, posted it, e-mailed it,  blogged it... and in response, I have felt the peace of Christ flowing, pouring down on me in the words, thoughts and prayers that my sisters in Christ have showered me with.

The Lord speaks peace to me through the people He puts along my path, and for that I am most grateful.

He speaks to me through their words and through the words I find from other sources as well.  Of course, He speaks to me through His Word.  I grabbed my Bible yesterday and began my journey through the Psalms again.  It is amazing how soothing reading the psalms could be.    Along with the words of encouragement from my loved ones as well as His Word, I also read the following in my daily devotional this morning:

"Don't take yourself so seriously.  Lighten up and laugh with Me.  You have Me on your side, so what are you worried about?  I can equip you to do absolutely anything, as long as it is My will.  The more difficult your day, the more I yearn to help you.  Anxiety wraps you up in yourself, trapping you in your own thoughts.  When you look to Me and whisper My Name, you break free and receive My help.  Focus on Me, and you will find Peace in My Presence." (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

I had to share this.  It is just too perfect. 

It is funny too, because I have heard Dan telling me exactly that:  "Don't take yourself so seriously.  Lighten up and laugh a little," millions of times for the last ...  I don't even know how many years.  He began telling me that since we were dating, almost 27 years ago...and he is still saying it...because I have yet to learn to do it.  And here it is, God, Himself telling me...so Dan must be onto something here...

How many time I choose the frown over the smile?
How many times I choose the grunts over the chuckles?
How many times I choose the sadness over the joy?
How many times I choose the fright over the hope?

Perhaps, the secret is, indeed, to not take myself so seriously.  It is only life.  We all have to go through it, and nobody comes out of it alive...so...

I pray that the words of my friends, my sisters, my husband, and above all, My Lord would finally penetrate my soul, piercing my closed up heart, allowing the peace of the person of Jesus Christ to finally invade my core.

Scars

Here I am, a few days from my thyroid check up, waking up scared...again...

I look at myself in the mirror and stare at my neck.  I see my scar...a constant reminder of my reality...I remember a line from that song...what is it?  Who sings it?  I can't remember, but the words linger:  the day will come when "all scars are understood."

I think about it a minute.  Then, I exhale a deep "I trust You, Lord! You have already healed me!" turn the lights out and walk away, sighing...

I believe it.  But sometimes...I become overcome with thoughts...with "what ifs."  The cold blanket of fear covers me, and I shiver.  The words, "Come to Me" sound very distant...a mere whisper from the depths of darkness in my troubled mind. 

Sigh...

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 

For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.  Matthew 7: 7-8

Please, guide me so I learn how to ask for your will to be done and have peace in obedience and acceptance.  Give me clarity on the path to seeking You and You alone, so I can walk securely, knowing that You go before me.  Give me the strength to knock at Your door, even when I am weak and feel ashamed. And please, open it wide and usher me inside!  Drag me in, if I resist.  Keep me near You and cover me under Your wings for once again I'm trembling.  The lies of fear threaten to make me crumble.  The enemy is waiting for me to fall so he can devour me.  Open Your door to me, Lord, as the cleft on the Rock, and keep me hidden there until the eye of the storm has dissipated and the sun shines again.

Praise You, Lord, for You Are The Healer, Jehovah Rapha. The Lord that Heals.  I trust You!  Come to my rescue in my anguish. Restore me.  Amen!  

Let's Talk About It

Today, as I was running errands, on a whim, I switched from my Christian music station to one of the other Christian stations that broadcast shows.  At the one I landed, I heard Pastor Rick Warren wrapping up his Daily Hope program.  I've never really listened to him much, but he was saying some powerful stuff about breaking free, especially from abuse, but from anything that snares us, really.

The phrase that became tattooed into my brain was this: 

"Revealing your feelings is the beginning of healing."

I keep thinking about this statement.  We are not supposed to allow our emotions to get out of control, aren't we? Dylan always teases me saying that I have too many feelings.  And as we know, feelings could be deceiving.  So, I better practice some disciplines that help me keep them all in good check, right?  But, is that the same as keeping them secret?  Is remaining in control and not allowing emotions to take over my mind and actions the same as keeping them bottled up?

According to Pastor Rick Warren, absolutely not!

The fear and anxiety that the issues we are dealing with bring to our souls need to be expressed so they can begin to dissipate.  The thing is that often, we are too ashamed of the way we feel to be open about it, and talk about it even with trusted friends and counselors.  As a matter of fact, there is a statistic that says that Christians are twice less likely to go to counseling than non-christians.  I believe such a statistic is scary.  Why aren't Christians seeking much needed professional counseling?  I guess the reasons could be varied and truly complex; but I think that often, as Christians, we refuse/reject the idea of professional counseling due to shame.  We feel guilty that we cannot handle our issues on our own...after all, aren't we supposed to have faith that we can do all things in Christ?  Then, we don't need anybody else...if we do...doesn't that mean that our relationship with Jesus is faulty?  Isn't that an indication of lack of faith?

All I know is that in my personal case, even though I might be a bit embarrassed by the way I feel sometimes, if I don't talk about it, I burst!

Of course, praying and talking to Jesus about the commotion I carry inside is my life-line!  However,  I believe He has surrounded me with a great "cloud of witnesses" who walk with me along this valley of tears and shadows so we can offer support to one-another.  He has provided this help.  Why won't we employ it?  Why reject it?  I believe, finding a trusted friend or someone who is willing to listen to the venting/ranting/expressing of my feelings is truly important for my sanity.  For me, writing about it in this outlet is another way the Lord in His Mercy has made available to me.  But so are the many Christian counselors out there who are trained in how to help us when we are at our wit's end.  I don't think it shows weakness to seek help.  I believe it shows the discernment and the strength both proceeding from the Holy Spirit in our midst.

I believe that keeping our feelings of fear, anxiety, pain, guilt, shame, weakness, etc. inside, may ultimately cause those feelings to overpower and control us.  I think not talking about them aloud is a way in which they keep us shackled and enslaved.  I truly agree with Pastor Rick Warren when he says that the revealing of our feelings is the beginning of healing, indeed!  I trust that Our Loving Father in Heaven has made provisions for His children to help each other as we carry our burdens in our daily walk.  After all, He commanded us to sharpen one another, and to... 

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12: 10

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6: 2

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 

 Philippians 2: 4

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7: 12

There is no shame in seeking help.  Would we think it's shameful for a cancer patient to go for treatment?  Why then, would we perceive reaching out when the issue has to do with our mind and emotions as a less than dignified action?

It is hard, because it involves the things that we keep hidden in our heart.  But it is necessary to open the gates not only to release all those toxic feelings, but to allow the healing waters of Christ to penetrate and cleanse us from the inside out.

May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19: 14

What's The Frequency?

Is it sacrilegious to think of the Holy Spirit as a radio station? I hope not. The analogy works pretty well, I think...at least for me.

The thing is that I cannot get in the car without turning my radio on. Actually, I never turn the car radio off. My kids and husband always complain when they get in my car because as soon as the engine starts, the radio blasts with a loud bang...all eyes turning to me with a glare…as I look away pretending to be completely unaware…

I love listening to Christian music and Christian shows on the radio, what can I say? So, it's a good thing, right? It didn’t use to be that way before, though. Even though I’ve always surrounded myself with music, I didn’t discover Christian music until only a little over ten years ago. I never noticed how bad secular radio could be, until now that I have been immersed into Christian frequencies. On the weekends, I flip through the dial (is it even called a “dial” anymore???) and there is so much garbage on, that I spend more time pushing that “skip” button than actually listening to music. And don’t even get me started with TV!!! There are so many channels and stations broadcasting things that I should not be watching/listening to, that it is hard to enjoy media much anymore.

Sigh… I’m sounding more and more like my Father every day…

And I’m like, an adult, and stuff, right? I supposedly have some kind of maturity level that allows me to have a semblance of sound judgement. I cannot even imagine the stuff that kids are feeding into their brains through their fancy headphones day in and say out…I mean, have you seen kids lately? They are constantly listening to…who knows what?! They are always sporting headphones. My students leave them hanging around their necks while we are in class so, as soon as class is over, they can plug them back into their ears and over their heads…or whatever…

My own sons are headphone-wearers as well. Mercy!

There is so much noise polluting our lives! It’s out of control!

It is so “funny” that precisely at the same moment I am typing these words, Dylan is playing a song in his speaker (yes, I bought him a speaker so when he is at home, he can play his music in the speaker for me to hear it in order to keep an “ear” on what he listens to…yikes!) … anyway, the song was by Skillet, a heavy metal Christian group that I have a hard time understanding what they say (Dan is worse than me…every time he hears some Skillet playing he frowns and says something like: “How do I know they are not worshiping the devil in this song?”) Anyway…as usual, I wasn’t sure what the song was about, but then I thought I heard something intelligible: “Whispers in the dark…” I’m like, “Dylan, what is he saying?” Dylan said: “Whispers in the dark. That’s the name of the song.”

Okay…

Coincidence? I think not!

Of course, I did what every sensible Mom would have done, and I googled the lyrics, so I could understand the song. And, much to my delight, it is about God’s cry to His children urging them to tune into Him. We are never alone. He finds us even when we are lost…we just have to adjust the frequency of our receiver, so we can hear His whispers in the dark!

Staying tuned into the Holy Spirit whispering is not an easy thing to accomplish. The radio of my soul so often tunes Him out, which means I am left hearing all those other voices in my head that lead me the wrong way. I pray I have the sense to tune right back into the Spirit frequency every time I deviate. But above all, I pray that when I am unable to adjust my dial to the right channel, that Our Heavenly Father does it for me…so I can hear His voice, even if they sound just like a whisper in the dark.

Worldy Pursuits

At this moment in my professional career I find myself consumed by the pursuit of figuring out what I can do to help my country of birth.  I want to share the knowledge I have acquired through my years of living in the United States with the people of Panama.  Therefore, I have been spending countless hours devising, designing and dreaming about programs that I could establish in Panama to, in a way, give back to those left behind...

I want to bring students down there.  I want to do mission work.  I want to do professional and educational development for children and adults.  You name it!  One idea has sparked a million others.  One project has unleashed tons of work that needs to be done.  One Facebook message has sparked a fire among other Panamanians who share my same life-story and want to join me in my desires to do something.

The result:  I´m obsessed! 

And that is not a good thing...

In my experience, obsessing over something usually does not lead me in the right direction.  When I get so focused on a project or a thing it is as if a reinforced concrete wall is suddenly built around my brain which doesn't allow me to think about anything else.  All my energies go to this thing I'm obsessed with. I get impatient and short-tempered (yeah, I know...even more? how is that even possible?!) Everything and everyone else automatically move lower on my list of priorities.  I become very distracted.  Last night, for instance, I was about to give a class a test they had already taken!  I'm so behind with my grading that I don't know how in the world I am going to be able to turn in mid-term reports today by noon. I shut down to all around me and I only see whatever it is that could enhance my goal.  In other words, my pursuit becomes my idol.

"Save your best striving for seeking My Face.  I am constantly communicating with you.  To find Me and hear My voice you must seek Me above all else. Anything that you desire more than Me becomes an idol.  When you are determined to get your own way, you blot Me out of your consciousness.  Instead of single-mindedly pursuing some goal, talk with Me about it.  Let the Light of My Presence shine on this pursuit so that you can see it from My perspective.  If the goal fits into My plans for you, I will help you reach it.  If it is contrary to My will for you, I will gradually change the desire of your heart.  Seek Me first and foremost; then the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece."  (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

Yeah... what else can I say other than... "Lord, You know me so well!  You know exactly what I need at the exactly right moment... I'm in awe of You.  Thank you for your loving presence and for not giving up on me."

Often, when we get distracted with the things of this world, we need to step back and honestly ponder:  Is this what God wants me to do or is it my own, selfish pursuit? I mean, we are talking about good goals, not even material and superficial obsessions.  But, at times, idolatry comes in disguised as many wonderful things. The problem is that, if you are like me, I tend to follow the shiny object, and do not take the time to step back.  That's why I just want to have the presence of mind to always pray that the Lord, in His great mercy and love, would send me someone or something to give me the message I need to hear:  "Seek Me First, and all these other things will be given to you as well..." Matthew 6: 33



 

Forgiveness of Self

Recently I read a friend's post who was encouraging all his readers to think of weight loss and healthy lifestyle as the sum of many actions.  His message is that technique (exercise routine, eating habits, etc.) amounts only to about 20% of your success in such pursuits.  The other 80% is what moves you inside, your motivation, your determination, your spirit.  He talks about the need to get in touch with that as the major part of achieving any kind of positive results in your quest to becoming and staying healthy.

I happen to agree with my friend.

However, I would say that, in my opinion, it is all about seeking Christ first.  That is the key that opens the door to the abundant life. (John 10: 10)  Seeking Him first...figuring out Who Jesus is...and following Him wholeheartedly are the signs of a successful effort at doing this crazy life.  But like my friend points out, it is the sum of many actions.  One action that came to mind immediately when I read his post was forgiveness. 

In the journey to making healthy choices, and in the journey of life itself, forgiveness of self is one of those huge actions that need to be added to the process...

We need to remember how much grace Our Lord has extended to us already, and apply that same grace again, to ourselves.  If Jesus could forgive us, why is it so hard for us to forgive ourselves?

I don't know...but something tells me it might have to do with pride.  In my case, I know it has A LOT to do with that particular sin.  I used to think that I just thought way too highly of myself.  I don't think it is that anymore.  Pride has a funny way to invade a person's soul, and it is not necessarily in the same way for everyone.  I think, for me, it has to do with the fact that I don't believe that I deserve forgiveness. 

From the outside, this might not look like pride.  I mean, it seems as if I think so lowly of myself, I'm extremely humble.  Humility, however, has to do with receiving God's grace even when we know we don't deserve it.  Rejecting God's gift of redemption and forgiveness is not an act of humility.    It is an action that declares I have determined I am undeserving; therefore, I know better than God.  It is, therefore, an act of pride.

My pride prevents me from accepting the truth that Jesus died for me too.  My pride prevents me from accepting the fact that it is not about me and what I have done, do or will do...it is about Christ and His decision to willingly go through the sacrifice that shed His blood to cleanse me.

Whereas it is choosing to live a healthier lifestyle, being kind and loving to those around, exhibiting self-control, allowing the Holy Spirit to move in us or choosing to walk closer to Jesus, we ought to be forgiving of ourselves.  We ought to realize that we need to allow grace to fill in the gap for when we make the wrong choices or take the wrong steps.  We ought to realize that when we make a mistake it is not because we are a failure, but because we are human...and as such, we are not perfect...therefore, we need Christ all the more in our lives.  Then, we could give and receive the much needed forgiveness, so we can get back on track again, almost as if we hadn't missed any steps. 

Success is the sum of many actions, says my friend.  The abundant life is the life that only Jesus can provide.  And it is the sum of the many actions that He has and continues to do in us.  Therefore, let us be kind to ourselves and allow forgiveness to permeate our hearts and souls so we can experience the success of the abundant life!

Unpredictable

March is unpredictable, isn't it?  It's no wonder they say something like: "it comes in like a lion..."  Who would have thought yesterday, when it was, what? 47? that this morning we were going to wake up to snow covered roads???

Sigh...

This morning reminds me of another March, some time ago...about 25 years ago to be precise.  I was behind the wheel of a burgundy Chevy Malibu, driving four of my friends back to Clarion University from our spring break trip to Daytona Beach...yes...I was one of those Daytona Beach-bound spring breakers in my previous life...

Four of us were from permanently sunny and scorching hot Panama, and the fifth passenger was a tiny girl from Turkey... What in the world did 5 young women in their early 20s from warm weather origins know about checking weather reports?  Absolutely nothing!  We left Florida where it was fine, and as I was driving somewhere in the West Virginia Interstate Highway (at least that's what I think...did I mention we also didn't know anything about maps and routes? This was WAY before GPS, you know?) it began to snow.  I mean, like a blizzard.  Snow came down so heavily that I just could not see anything.  I knew it was crazy, but I had to stop.  I could not pull off to the shoulder simply because I didn't know where the shoulder was.  I needed to stop the car immediately, right there and then...so I did...and boy, was I ever glad I did, for, as soon as I stopped, through the thick snow fall, I was able to see that there was a line of cars right in front of me, also stopped in the middle of the road.

Sigh...

Never in our wildest dreams did any of us in that little four-door sedan ever imagined, when we left Florida, that we would have to spend the next 24 hours stuck somewhere in the mountains of some State right there in the Highway along a few hundred other stranded motorists.  And that afterwards we will have to spend another 24 hours in a school-turned-into-a-shelter, eating much appreciated canned food and sleeping on the floor, finally covered with much appreciated blankets after spending a long time stuck in our little car, in our shorts and t-shirts.

Yeah...that was an experience that lives vividly in my memory still.  Crazy/unpredictable March pulled a good one on us back in 93. 

The thing, though, is that it was not that unpredictable after all.  Later on we found out that the weather forecast had been actually calling for a blizzard in advanced.  It was unpredictable to us...who remained unaware...who weren't paying attention.

This incident makes me think of my life as a Christian.  I am such a scattered-brain person.  My mind is always going on ten different directions.  I have a hard time focusing...really focusing.  What happens is that often, when I try to be still, I lose the reigns of my mind...and it just wanders into places I have no business being at.  Like, say, now: I've been so busy with work and other things, I've been neglecting my time with the Lord.  But you know why I have allowed myself to be so busy to the point of distraction?  Because I'm actually anxious.  I'm anxious about upcoming medical tests.  And the way I see it, if I keep myself busy enough, I won't have any time to think about them.  I don't want to stop because I don't want my mind to "go there."  I'm playing the distraction game...so much, that I'm not paying attention, and I'm not keeping my eyes on Him.

I'm so busy and distracted that I'm forgetting to look at the forecast provided in the Bible.  I'm forgetting to look into His Word to remind me that no matter what, the outcome is good because He has already won!  Victory is mine, but I'm forgetting to claim it.  I'm, once again, into a blizzard of hectic spinning, just because I'm too confused about the first thing I should do:  open up the Bible and spend time in His presence to find the road back to His peace.

I really do not want to be caught in an blizzard I wasn't expecting anymore...I don't want to find myself stopped in the middle of the highway, not knowing what is going on.  When I'm panicking in the middle of the storm is not the time to look at last week's forecast.  I better keep my eyes on Him now.  I better remember that, He is the One Who Controls the winds and the waves at all times, rather than try to find calm in the distractions of a scattered mind.

Dear Lord, keep us safe, keep us protected, keep us healthy, but above all, help us to keep our eyes on You!

Broken

I come broken to be mended

I come wounded to be healed

I come desperate to be rescued

I come empty to be filled

I come guilty to be pardoned

By the blood of Christ the Lamb

And I'm welcomed with open arms

Praise God, just as I am. (Travis Cottrell lyrics to Just as I am)

I cannot say it enough times:  I LOVE THIS CHORUS.  These are the, I believed, truly inspired words that Christian singer/worship leader, Travis Cottrell added onto his version of the beloved Hymn, "Just as I am."  We sang it at church last Sunday as a tribute to the Preacher Champion of the USA, the late Pastor Billy Graham.  This hymn is really powerful, but when the chorus comes up, I just can't keep it together.  I feel as if those are the very own words that pour out of my brokenness onto the feet of Christ.

Today, I'm reminded of these chorus...I'm not really sure why?  But as I was pondering some readings about trusting the Almighty Hand of God in our lives, and submitting to His plans, for they are good, all the time...this chorus popped into my mind.

The truth is, I am broken.  I am broken into a million pieces.  I can see them...there...on the hard, cold floor.  I can see the pieces of what is inside of me, which I never wanted to see.  I can see the things I've kept hidden, but have inevitably poked through my skin, tearing up my flesh, and shattering my bones.  There's my selfishness, scattered all over, mixing in with the countless and pervasive particles of my pride.  I see my unbelief and my controlling nature.  I see stress and love of the world.  I see insecurities and self-loathing.  My unforgiveness and sense of superiority, I see there, staring back at me.  I see worry and fear...

Sigh...

I am broken.  There is no doubt about it.  But I believe, I am supposed to be broken.  I'm not supposed to have it all together.  Whom am I to even begin to remotely think it is possible for me to have all the answers, and have it all figured it out? I mean, really?  In my arrogance, I have believed the lie that if I don't have all the Ts crossed and the Is dotted, I'm a failure!  I have believed the enemy's lie that says: if you are broken, you are worthless.

I am broken.  Therefore, I need a Mender.  I am broken, that means, I need My Savior.  I am broken, thus, I need Jesus to take me into His arms.  And the glorious truth is, that not only does He welcome me/us with open arms, but He pursues me/us until we give into Him and become the sacrifice, the living sacrifice we are supposed to be.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Psalm 51: 17

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3: 23

So, instead of pretending we've all put together on our own, as we believe the lies that tell us if we don't we are less...let us embrace our brokenness, because that is what keeps us connected to the source of all life and light: Jesus the Christ!

Let us come to Him with all of our baggage.  Let us come to Him and allow Him to gather the pieces that are scattered all over the floor.  Let us come to Him, just as we are...He is the Only One who can truly mend us...by His Precious Blood, and accepts us, just as we are, Praise God, just as I am...