When Will I Ever Get This?

Today's devotional reading hit it right on for me.  It combined two concepts I am struggling with at this moment of my life:  trust and stillness. 

As I am entering the busyness and craziness that comes with the beginning of a new semester, medical tests, homework, senior year, driver license tests, teaching at two universities, planning events, deciding what to cook for dinner or what to wear, finding time to get to the store to buy a new leash for the dog and picking up my pills...being intentional about setting time aside to be still and just trust, becomes a great challenge for me.

Trusting that the world is not going to collapse, that opportunities are not going to be missed, that people are not going to vanish, that love will remain, that everything is going to fall into place instead of apart while I take time to spend in quiet, one-on-one communication with God is rather difficult.  And it is difficult because I don't trust.  I don't fully trust that God is the One in Control.  I don't trust that He, and not me, is the One who takes care of things.  I don't trust enough to let go, even for just a few minutes, to dedicate to "sitting quietly in His presence."  I don't sit quietly in His presence often enough, because I don't trust that the world will continue its relentless spin if I'd do... as if it were me who makes it spin, right? ... when will I ever get this?!

Sigh...

What I need to realize is that my approach is completely wrong.  It is, precisely, in that act of setting time aside to be still before the Lord that I demonstrate my trust, and, like my devotional reading suggests:  "By waiting with Me before you begin the day's activities, you proclaim the reality of My living Presence.  This act of faith - waiting before working - is noted in the spirit world, where your demonstration of trust weakens principalities and powers of darkness."  (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling)

It takes faith to wait in the Lord...it takes trust to have faith...it takes love to trust.

I find my trust when I remember that I am dearly loved.  Regardless of what the world might show me or what I might go through or the lies of the enemy, the truth is that I. AM. DEARLY. LOVED. and that's all I need to know.  I rest in His love.  I give thanks to the God of Heaven, for His love, surely endures forever! (Psalm 136: 26) And I pray that the Holy Spirit allows me to remember every single moment of my day, that I can trust Him enough to draw near Him.  That the "most effective way to resist evil is to draw near Him." And that sitting in His presence is the best action I can take when I feel like there isn't enough time in the day. Thank you, Lord Jesus for Your Faithfulness...

How precious is your unfailing love, O God! Psalm 36:7

Praise as Sacrifice

Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise--the fruit of lips that openly profess his name. Hebrews 13: 15

Has it ever happened to you that, even though you know...you KNOW you've read a passage or a verse many times as to become very familiar, all of the sudden, one day, you read it again and it is as if you've never read it before?  That happens to me quite often.  I know...perhaps, it is that I have so many things running through my mind all the time, that what I thought was familiar is only superficial, at best.  But...I truly believe that God speaks to us through His Word which is alive.  Therefore, it is always fresh and He can use it to send us different messages at different times even with the same words.

At ary rate, that happened to me on Sunday.  Pastor Doug was going through his third sermon on Hebrews 13...or something like that :) I can't keep track...Hebrews could be a challenging book, especially if you still have a toddler climbing all over you at church...o wait...I don't have a toddler anymore.  I just have a very sluggish teenager who acts like one.  But that's beside the point.  The thing is that, all of the sudden, I saw the supersized words of Hebrews 13: 15 projected on the wall and it was as if I had never seen that verse before, especially the part where it says: "a sacrifice of praise..."

The combination of words seemed so odd to me.  Sacrifice and praise should probably not be on the same sentence, I thought.  Praise is not a sacrifice, or is it?

I was reading through someone's commentary on this verse, I can't remember whose, and he offered the idea that praise is easy, when things are going well, that is.  But try to praise God when the detours come, when the going gets rough, when the valley gets dark and the shadows of death cover us and fear entangles us...that's a whole other business we're dealing with then.

The challenge is contained in one of the words that precede:  "continually."   "Let us CONTINUALLY offer to God a sacrifice of praise..."  That is when praising becomes a sacrifice: when we realize we must do it continually in order for it to be considered a sacrificial offering that would replace the blood offerings that the jews were required to give to God on a continual basis.  This is the Christian equivalent of the blood of bulls and rams and birds: our continuous praise.  Even when the phone rings and you hear the words you fear; even when the door slams one last time; even as the last shovel of dirt falls on the casket; even as the light switch just doesn't seem to ever turn back on; even as the sense of falling never seems to end; even as we are rendered powerless and we just have to submit...those are the moments when praise becomes a sacrificial offering which fragrance ascends to the heavens to delight Our Almighty God.

And the praise must also be pronounce as the "fruit of lips that openly profess His Name!"  Saying it aloud is how we seal it.  It's not that He can't hear us as we say it in our hearts and minds.  But we must proclaim it with our lips so the enemy hears it and flees.  The enemy can't penetrate our souls for we have been claimed by Christ and the Holy Spirit lives in us.  So, we need to say our praises aloud for the prince of darkness and deceit to hear that we are faithful and that through our pain we are offering our song of love to the God who Rescues us.  The enemy needs to hear that we are not going to fall for his schemes and that we are not going to run away from God just because our situations are not ideal.  The enemy needs to know that he is not going to separate us from Our Father and that WE know our ability to praise is not determined by our circumstances.  Just saying the name of Jesus aloud is praise!  So even when that's all we can do, let His Name flow out of your lips in Praise. There is much power in doing so!

As I walk through my own valley of shadows, I want to offer my special sacrifice of praise:  I praise You, Lord for another opportunity to trust You.  I'm afraid and I'm nervous, but I choose to trust You and I offer you thanksgiving.  Praised be Your Holy Name, now and forever! Amen!

I Choose to Trust Him, Today

As I'm entering the season of the year that brings me the most melancholy and sadness...I'm also entering a time of medical testing.  If there is something that gives me anxiety in this life is medical testing...not because of the test itself...but because of the results.  Waiting by the phone or checking my online portal every 5 minutes with sweaty palms and icy-cold fingers scanning the minutes for the moment when I get the test results consumes the best of me.

I have spent days/weeks/months agonizing as I worry, deep in anxiety about the results that may come out of my tests.  This predates my cancer diagnosis 6 years ago.  I've always panicked at the thought of having a test because of the "what if."

I. AM. TERRIFIED. OF. THE. WHAT. IF.

I'm not going to go through the litany of the "what if" scenarios that come to mind when I think about my health (or lack of thereof), because that would create even more anxiety in my already troubled heart...but I'm just going to say that I struggled with the thought of not being able to do what I think I need to do in order for my loved ones to be OK.

I carry the burden of their wellbeing upon my shoulders...so, if my shoulders are not able to carry them, who will?

I know...I know...I know...it is not mine to carry, but it feels as if it is.  I don't want my boys to grow up without a Mom.  I don't want my husband to be a widower (especially because I don't want another woman to enjoy the money I have saved for retirement! :) I don't want to bring sadness to those who depend on me in this life.  I want to be here to see them get through the milestones.  I don't want to miss the joy of grandkids.  I want to know what it feels like to be retired, enjoying life with the love of your life by your side.  I want the romantic-comedy version of my life.  

But life is not a cheesy, predictable, lollipop flavored, chick flick.  Life is hard.  Life breaks your heart.  Life beats you up.  Life slaps you on the face.  Life breaks you apart.  Life tears you into pieces.  Life shakes you up and jerks you around.  Life stabs you on the back, and, when you're not looking...it pulls the rug from under your feet and it ends.

So...is it worth it?  Is there hope?

Well...it all depends.  Like most things, finding the value of life and seeing the hope depend on our choices: am I going to choose to fall into despair and trouble my soul anticipating a future that might not even come to pass? or am I going to trust the One Who Made me?

In my case, most of my anxiety comes from fear...and the fear comes from placing my gaze on the future.  I forget the truth that the future is not promised.  My vision should be fixed on Christ in the here and in the now.  If I choose to seek Him first today...then, I won't have time to worry about the future.  If I choose to trust Him today, then, I'd know His promises.  If I choose to place my hope in the things not seen, but on those unseen today, then, I'd know that Faith in Him is where I find Hope.  If I choose to know His Word today, then, I'd know that He calls me His own, that He knows me, that He made me and that He would never leave me for I am His masterpiece.

He knows the number of my days, and He has always known them...even before I came to be...so, I pray I can choose to trust in the Maker of my days, and that I learn to relax in the Hands that formed my being.

For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139: 13-16 (ESV)

I will try to leave the future in His most capable hands...as I walk with Him today...day by day...through medical tests, through the waiting hours, through the processing of the results.  He is the King of Who I Am, and I choose to trust the One On The Throne!

He Is the King of Who I Am

Well...last night was our last Bible Study meeting and a bunch of MomStrong Moms are now out in the world doing their thing! And that's wonderfully exciting!  Except that I'm going to miss this group.  Every Monday night for the last 6 weeks we gathered together in fellowship, seeking to grow closer to Christ as we walk together in this ministry of motherhood...and now...it's over...but the challenge remains:

To think of proactive steps that we can take to get serious about our walk with God.

A great challenge, indeed.  And, to tell you the truth...I don't know how to answer it.  When I look back at my life, I feel like I am miles upon miles away from when my walk with Christ began...a lost, young soul who didn't even know what having a "personal relationship with God" meant.  I remember listening to Pastor Doug talk about it from the pulpit feeling like I should have known what that was all about, but realizing I hadn't a clue!  But...then...I look at my life today and realize I have SO MUCH road to cover still.  I am not where I should be, or at least, not where I'd like to be.  And all I know is that I'm standing somewhere, not sure where, confused as to where to go next.

In my opinion, I should be this seasoned, matured, well-centered, poised, calm and collected woman of God that is 100% immersed in the river of peace and who walks with the glow of The Almighty's Light for the whole world to see!  In reality, I look in the mirror and I see this middle-age woman, past her prime, who is still acting as an immature, clumsy, messy, clueless, air head with shaky faith whose idea of peace is reduced to being able to spend 2 hours watching a flick in her IPad, sitting in the dark when everyone else is already sleeping late at night. 

How could I ever, possibly suggest steps that can help anyone get serious about their walk with God?

I don't even know where I am, myself!  I panic at the thought of things not going my way.  I lose it at the slightest mishap.  I become paralyzed at the first sign of a detour.  I fall flat on my face with the smallests of bumps.  I feel like the world is ending when I hit the tiniest pothole...sigh...

I have been trying to get serious and mature in my walk with God, but I'm still an infant.  I don't know how to hide His Word in my heart or how to make it be a lamp unto my feet and a light into my life!

I need help.

Sigh...

I wish I could have a formula:  follow these 5 easy steps and grow closer to God!  But I don't.  In reality, I believe it's impossible to have a "one-formula-fits-all" type of deal because it is a personal journey.  We each embark on it at different times, on different ports and with different accommodations.  Our job is to embrace it by placing ourselves under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, our True Captain and by stepping on it with both feet, trusting that the One at the wheel knows where we're going and how to get us there.

This journey comes in with humility:  the humility of surrender.

It takes humility to accept that the mess, the confusion, the fear, the cluelessness, the sadness, the melancholy, the difficulties, the hurts, the pain, the loneliness, the disappointments, the stress, the entire package of our life is a part of the voyage too...and we can't sanitize it.  We can't pretend we've got it all together, because the more we pretend, the more we hang onto the lie that it is up to us, and the longer we do that, the more exhausted and demoralized we become...hence, the more we tread water and stay adrift. 

Surrendering ourselves to the great unknown requires great humility because surrender implies lack of control, which equals admitting it's not up to us...and that is a humbling experience.  But the promised peace will not start to flow like a river unless we submit our will to His and let go of our own.

I guess, now that I've thought about it a bit more, if you'd ask me:  how do I get serious about my walk with God, I'd say:  cast your crown at His feet and let go so He can be Lord over your life!

I pray that the Holy Spirit will allow us to surrender our wills to Him so Christ can occupy His Throne in our hearts as the Rightful King of who we are!

As Iron Sharpens Iron

As iron sharpens iron,

so one person sharpens another. Proverbs 27: 17

As I prepare for the last meeting of our wonderful summer Bible Study for Moms, we are called to ponder on the proverb above.  I. LOVE. THAT. PROVERB!!!

It is such a powerful image, and it takes me back a million years ago to when I was a little girl in Panama.  I mean, I remember vividly seeing my Dad sharpening knives by rubbing them together, blade against blade.  I remember the sound the blades made when they came in contact with each other.  I remember how scary the whole scene looked:  my Father, standing tall, warning everyone to stay away...A W A Y from him, knife in each hand, exercising enough force to even create the occasional sparks.  He repeated the action many times.  It was quite a sight.  At the end, the knives would be hot and sharp.  Amazing!

I also remember an old man who would walk the streets of my hometown pushing an old-rickety cart with a grinding wheel.  We lived on the outskirts of town, so the old man didn't make it to our neck of the woods too often.  But every so often, he'd pass by, which always sent us kids in a frantic run around the house announcing that the sharpening man was about.  Quickly Rosa and my Mom would carefully gather scissors and other artifacts to take to the guy.  He'd press a pedal and to the sound of metal grinding, sparks would fly until the blades were sharp again.

The thing is, a blade cannot sharpen itself.  And, regardless of how sharp it is when we first get it, a knife, for example, will lose its ability to dice, slice, cube, fillet and perform any other type of cut. They need to be forcefully rubbed against another in order to stay sharp. We, God's children, are the blades.  And, unless we are forcefully rubbed against each other we'd become dull too.    

We will lose our ability to function if we are isolated from our brothers and sisters in Christ.  We are meant to be in community and in fellowship.  That's God's design.  He made us in His image, and He is a God of fellowship:  Father, Son and Holy Ghost!  When we are by ourselves, the effects are devastating.  Think about the times when you feel alone...truly lonely...is that a state you enjoy and want to stay in for a long while, say...'till Kingdom come?  No matter how much we think we hate people, we need each other.  Alone time is good for a time...not for ALL the time.  We need human contact, especially fellowship with other believers, hence the call to gather together,

Let us not neglect meeting together, as some have made a habit, but let us encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10: 25

Look at kids today.  They are displaying one of the world's greatest paradox ever:  they are the most connected generation, yet, they are the loneliest.  Why?  Because they lack human interaction.  They spend their days glued to a screen, watching what others are doing or saying, while they are static and alone on a couch or chair away from humanity.  It's no wonder there is an epidemic of depression among America's youth!  Depresion is the most common mental health disorder among teens, and it's skyrocketing!  We're talking millions.  I saw a statistic that said there were about 3 million kids 12-17 that had at least one depression episode in 2014...I don't even want to know what that statistic is today, 5 years later.

We need God.  And we need each other.  Otherwise, we sink and drown...we can't function...we can't stay sharp...we become dull and lose our purpose.  

At any rate, this business of using iron to sharpen iron is not unlike my memories...though, perhaps not as dramatic as my Dad's thing with the knives and hopefully not as rare as the old man with the grinding wheel passing by my house.  We are the blades.  God is the One who brings us together.  Let's sharpen one another in love.  It is hard work, it might be painful, but once the sparks fly, we'd know we're getting ready for action, sharpening our skills to accomplish our purpose!

Grant's Pick

There's Grant.  Riding solo...LCF last night

We are a movie family.  I mean...not like we are a picture-perfect clan...not even a little bit.  What I mean is that we enjoy watching movies together.  Movie watching consumes a great deal of our time. Films are so ingrained in us that our conversations often circle back to films we've seen, and we basically speak and see the world in movie references.  The funny thing is that more often than not, we actually agree on our likes and dislikes.  Even when someone suggests a movie, and the rest are not too keen on it...once we watch it, we end up agreeing on our final opinions about the film: we all agree that it was either a good choice or a poor one...except for yesterday, that is...

Grant had mentioned he wanted to see this one flick...he's like:  "it's about a book I read at NCCA!"  So I was like:  well, if it's about a book he read when he was 10 years or younger at the Christian school he attended until 5th grade...how bad could it be? Right?

Anyway, since we are squeezing in as many movies as we can before the beginning of the school year, and the night before we had gone to a late showing of a movie Dylan had been begging me to take him to see...I figured it was time to watch a Grant's pick.  We were the only three souls in the theater.  Cool!  We got to seat close to the front and dead center!  We put our feet up and got comfy.  The film was PG-13 and Grant had done the research...no bad words, no inappropriate adult content..."it's just a little scary," he'd said.  OK, we can take a little scary, no biggie.

Let's just say that next time we see a Grant's pick, I will make sure I am the one reading the plugged-in reviews.  The film was terrifying!  I watched most of it through my fingers and Dylan had a panic attack at one scene! (He'll kill me if he ever finds out I'm telling people about this!!! so shhhhh) Then, I looked at Grant, and he was smiling and savoring every bit of it as if it was cotton candy and M&Ms!!!  What's wrong with that child!!???  He is not my son!!!

Well...thinking about these has brought to mind what author, Heidi St. John writes on the book Becoming MomStrong, which we are using for the Bible study (which, incidentally, we're about to wrap up next Monday): 

The author says: "God trusts us to raise His children. They’re not really ours, after all. They’re on loan to us from the Creator. Our job is to train these precious children to hear God’s still, small voice above all the other voices competing for their attention, both today and in the years to come.

How does it change your perspective on parenting to realize that your children belong to God?"

Sigh...

This is such a timely reminder for me at this season of my life when I am stepping into Grant's senior year:  He is not mine to keep.  Grant belongs to God and He just placed him in my arms as a loan...

Honestly, I don't like to see motherhood from that perspective.  But it is the only perspective I need.  Grant is a gift.  He is a true miracle.  He came to us when we thought we would never have biological children.  God worked His purpose for us through the deepest pain and disappointment, and He placed that baby in our arms 17 years ago to love and to cherish, but also to train as His follower so he could perform the work God has prepared for him...apart from us...

Man...that's a hard concept to grasp for a Mom...

Grant's not mine to keep.  As a young boy he's been my constant companion, my sound board, my steady hand, my source of deepest worry and joy...and now it is my job to get him ready to fly solo...as I stand behind and watch him soar on the wings of His Heavenly Father.

He is like me in so many ways...but he is not me.  And that's OK.  He is his own person, and even though I might not recognize most of who that person is or will be, God knows him.  He made Grant and He has a purpose for that young man...and I just have to trust.

When we got out of the theater, Dylan and I yelled at Grant for putting us through such an ordeal.  Then, we laughed and went to the fair to have one last summer hurray eating greasy foods, ice cream and watching the cousins play in their school band.  It was a beautiful evening with rain, rainbows and a gorgeous sunset.  As I watched Grant get on the scary carnival rides all by himself, I smiled ... there's our boy, God, beautifully gentle but fearless.  "Oh the places you'll go, and the things you will do!"

Angry-Texting and Letting Go

Grant, front-center at Band Practice, with his Tenor Saxophone, his constant companion these last 5 years

Dylan:     Are you angry-texting?
Me:          Yes, I am!
Dylan:     Is Grant in trouble?
Me:          YES HE IS!  and I hope that this teaches YOU that if you ever, EVER get a cell-phone,
                you better answer my MESSAGES RIGHT AWAY!!!!

This was part of a dialogue between Dylan and I yesterday at Kennywood when trying to keep out of the pouring rain while waiting by the exit to make sure all the band kids had gotten the message that the park was closing, the parade was cancelled and we were leaving at 4:30 p.m. instead of 10:00 p.m.

Of course, all of the other chaperones were confident that the students had by now all heard and were aware of the changes.  All, except me...because the one kid I hadn't heard from was mine.  I had been trying to reach him for 1 hour now with no response and it was driving me INSANE!!!

After standing in the rain long enough, I decided to head out to the bus with Dylan and wait there.  I sat down and fumed as I saw kid after kid come in with no sign of Grant.  Finally, I saw the group I had last seen Grant hanging out with come on the bus, so I asked the most reliable one about him and she said he was with this other kid.  Apparently, Grant parted ways with them at some point.  GREAT! At 4:30 on the dot, in comes the last group of band members, all drenched and clueless, and there's Grant, the last one ... blissfully ignorant of his surroundings, when he lands his eyes on me, he knew something was wrong.  I just lifted my phone to my face and gave him my angry-mama look...yep, he knew, alright!

I saw Dylan with the corner of my eyes sneaking in a smile ... you know ... that "involuntarily premeditated" smile siblings get when they know the other one is about to get it...sigh...

Shortly after Grant texted me a lame excuse about his phone being in someone else's bag and him not seeing the messages, blah, blah, blah...I decided not to reply.  Enough angry-texting.  So I just went on text-silence for the duration of the trip home.

When we came in the house, Dan was already there back from work and he asked about the day and how did we deal with the cancellation of the parade and so on...to which I just say..."well, ask Grant..." to which Grant proceeded to tell the story about what happened with the phone being in his friend's bag since lunch time, etc. etc. etc. Then, as usual, Dan delivered his customary fatal blow commentary when he said, looking at me straight in the eyes:  "Well, how many seconds or minutes or hours of any day do you think you're going to know where he is at or what he is doing around this time a year from now?"

"D'oh!!!"

Yep, leave it to Dan to be swift at ending a "discussion."

That was the moment I decided I had just chaperoned my last band trip for Grant.

Five years ago, Grant joined the marching band and I was exhilarated and terrified at the same time.  I was very happy he had finally found a place to land.  I was very scared he would join in with the wrong crowd within that group, that he'd get hurt, that he'd be misled to the wrong path, that he'd get lost...therefore, I made it a mission to be present as much as possible, especially at the away events and trips.  I got all my clearances and I became a chaperone.  I put up with the discomfort of traveling to Disney on a bus for 20 PLUS hours one-way.  I survived hauling 100 kids through Time Square and other streets in New York City at Night.  I endured country music extravaganza, in Tennessee and numerous other exhausting experiences because I wanted to be there and I wanted to see that he was OK.  I felt that if I was there, he'd be safe.  And, of course, I knew that if I was there, I would be less of a wreck because I would not have to be wondering whether he was well or not.

I can't do this anymore.  I have to let go.

Grant is going to begin his senior year exactly one week from today.  I'm going to blink and we will be attending his graduation and then his childhood will be over.  There would be no more little Grant to guide by the hand.  He will be on his own.  My job is shifting from protector of a boy to prayer warrior for a young man.  It is my responsibility to make sure he feels confident to transition from holding my hand to grabbing hold of the Only Hand that can truly lead him to the green pastures: the hand of the Good Shepherd...the One Who is The Way.

After we were done discussing the topic, and my tempered had cooled off, I gave Grant a big hug and we started going over the fun stuff we did have a chance to do at Kennywood.  It was a fun day after all.  And we decided not to cut it short and just go catch a late showing of a movie we've been trying to go watch since Friday.  We came home exhausted, but happy.  And as for me, I am praying the Lord helps me enjoy as many of these precious moments with my boys while I still have them at home, as I learn to let them go (and I learn to do less angry-texting), entrusting them to the One who makes their paths straight and loves them more than I do.

Running Away from God's Will

You've heard of Jonah, right?  The guy with the Bible's most recognizable pout.  Who can forget the scene?

God:     Jonah..."Go to the great city of Nineveh..."  It's really wicked in there and I want you to go                   preach to them!

Jonah (looking all around him as if the command had been given to someone else):  ...er... (run away as fast as he can! not even one recorded word said in reply...)

Next scene:

Jonah:  one ticket to the farthest place from Nineveh, please!

Next scene:

Big storm!  Jonah hiding (sleeping, actually) below deck.

Captain of the Ship:   What the...what? How can you be asleep?  WE. ARE. GOING. TO. DIE in this storm.  DO SOMETHING!!!

Jonah:  UGH!!!! Just throw me into the sea.

Next scene:

Big Fish

Yes, we're all very familiar with this story.  This morning, however, I have been thinking about it as an illustration of how we, upon occasions, may be running away from God's will by being busy doing what we believe to be God's will...but it's not...

Wait...what?

I know, right?  No...I don't really know.  I'm just truly going out on a limb here.  But bear with me for a minute and I might be able to figure out how to say what I think I need to say.

I believe, the main purpose of all of the enemy's schemes, lies, deceptions, manipulations, button pushing is to keep us away from God:  our source of all power, health, strength, peace, rest, joy, etc.  Sometimes, the tactics that he uses are absolutely maleficent.  Like, for instance, I believe the devil uses what we think is God's work to actually keep us away from God.  You know what I mean?

What is more powerful in our fight against evil:  the intentional, one-on-one, quiet, intimate, purposeful, war-room-style praying moments we spend with Our Lord or the busy-work we do in the mission field (whatever this may be:  church pantry, leading youth group/Bible study, mission trips abroad or next door, school, office, classroom, etc.) fill-in-the-blank-ministry, volunteering in any capacity type of work?  If we think about it deeply and dare to answer honestly, the down-on-one's-knees, listening to the still small voice, cultivating of our personal relationship with Christ in prayer, thanksgiving and petition is our secret and most effective weapon against the forces of darkness that attack the spiritual realm of our souls.

The devil does anything he can to prevent moments like those.  Even if he has to twist good, godly work to accomplish it.

If the work we are doing for the Kingdom is keeping us away from sitting by the feet of Jesus...we're acting just like Jonah.  We are, perhaps unintentionally, running away from what God most desires from us:  worship!

Fellowship and followship is what Jesus wants from us!

And he saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men. 

Matthew 4: 19 (King James)

Notice, the following comes first...then the doing.  Like two famous sisters also remind us:

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10: 38-42

The way I see it, Martha, an action-prone woman, saw the importance of meeting the practical needs involved in tending Jesus' entourage.  That was not Jesus desire, though...HE. WAS. THERE. IN. THE. FLESH!!!! Martha, just calm down and come sit with Him.  Mary's got it...and nobody is going to take her away from that moment...no evil scheme...no sister manipulation...no good works.  The only good work required was for people to sit at the feet of the Great I AM present among them.

Jonah thought he knew better than God.  He thought going to Nineveh was a waste of time, the same as Martha thought sitting by Jesus' feet was a waste of time when there was SO MUCH work to do around the house...the same we think it's a waste of time to spend time seeking, truly, intentionally seeking Him first in the quiet of our souls.  There's too much to do out there in the world!  Too many suffering people need comforting.  Too many wounds need tended.  Too many needy, hungry, hurting people need helped, fed, consoled...there's no way we can slow down and just be still.  

The problem is: that's a lie! Pride might make us think we're indispensable for the completion of the good works we're undertaking...but, who is the One that began and truly completes every good work started in us? (Philippians 1: 6)

In comes the big sea creature...we get swallowed...God finally gets our attention.

A hospital bed, a job that is lost, a loved one gone, a phone call, a dark pit...the belly of the big fish.

Lord...here I am...please let me hear your voice!

What I'm trying to say, without much eloquence is: if we are in so over our head, running around like crazy, doing what we think is kingdom work to the point that we become deaf to the still, small voice of the Lord and neglect our time of surrendering it all to Him Who owns the Kingdom...we might as well be running errands for the devil.

In His infinite love and mercy, though, Our Heavenly Father knows us and He reigns us back in...often it takes us been swallowed up by the equivalent of Jonah's big fish, but He rescues us and He pulls us back to Him.  Our job is to be still and know He is God and to listen to His voice.  All the rest will fall into place if we surrender it all to Him who design it all in the first place.

May the Lord use my imperfect and incoherent words to communicate His perfect message to all who need to hear it today.  In the Precious Name of Jesus!  Amen.

10-Minute Challenge

"Rest in His presence for 10 minutes and see how you feel at the end..."  This is the challenge that MomStrong Moms were supposed to do this week.  Yeah, I know.  It's already Friday.  But, better late than never, right?

Well, I did it.  I spent the last 10 minutes intentionally meditating on the Name of Jesus.  I closed my eyes at 4:17 with the intention of keeping them close until 4:27, but...of course...after 3 minutes, I had to open them again to see how much time had passed...I closed them again, and after 3 more minutes repeating in my head that "There's Power in the Name of Jesus" and that "He is the King of Who I am" I opened them again.  This time, my eyes landed on the banner of my blog that reads: "My Redeemer Lives..." That phrase has meant the world to me for the last 8 years since I began this blog, but often...I don't even see it...today, however, when my eyes focused on it, it felt very comforting.

In the midst of this hectic season of my life, this Bible Study challenge of spending 10 minutes of 100% devoted attention to God has shown me that God has provided a most perfect space for us to meet.  This blog represents that place where I go to spend time with Him, and for that, I am most grateful!  It's funny how my mind didn't articulate any of these thoughts while in the 10 minute-pause...but my mind did go to an attitude of thanksgiving.  It wasn't until I started to type that I could put into words my experience.  But, I guess, my heart did recognize the emotion as expressions of gratitude inundated my soul for the reminder of the time.  My mind also went to a couple of people I had had conversations with today and who needed prayers...so...all in all...I can say, the intentional quiet time with the Lord was very calming and intense at the same time.

My mind wandered a couple of times, but I was able to reign it back in.  My eyes opened, but it was a good thing, because by opening, I was able to be reminded of His blessings, which many times go unnoticed.  My soul found rest and my heart filled with thanksgiving.  What else can we ask for, right?  The best spent 10 minutes in a long time!

May the expectations of this busy season lower so I/we can find moments of complete intimacy with Our Lord.

Finding Rest

"Is your tendency to turn to God or to something else for rest? Why do you think that might be?"

Hmmmm....

Another challenging questions from the MomStrong Bible study that I'm not sure how to answer.

Rest...what an elusive concept.  What does it even mean?  The Merriam-Webster Dictionary offers some alternatives:

1. bodily state characterized by minimal functional and metabolic activities
2. freedom from activity or labor
3. a state of motionlessness or inactivity
4. the repose of death
5. peace of mind or spirit

If we look at the above ideas that try to illustrate the concept of "to rest" we can see that they have one thing in common:  inactivity.  I mean, look at number 4, right?  Can't get more inactive than that! Even #5 calls to a state of not being active:  not being actively worrying about stuff you can't control!  The way I see it, when there's peace, there is rest...like a calmed lake...a very soft breeze...silence...peace...rest...

I need rest.  I crave it!  I try to seek it; but, do I turn to God to try to find it? I don't think I can say "yes" to that.

For some reason, when I think of rest, I think of being at the beach.  For the last few years our family has been blessed with the ability to go to the beach for a week in the summer.  And it is total bliss for me.  I mean, not the drive down and back, but once I get there and as soon as I breathe in the air and hear the sound of the waves...oh yeah...my body begins to untangle and rest becomes possible.  I plant my umbrella in the sand, park my big behind on a beach chair and let the hours pass me by totally unaware.  I don't worry about dinner.  I don't worry about lunch.  I don't worry about breakfast.  I don't worry about laundry.  I don't worry about where anybody is at.  I just immerse myself in the beach-bum culture and even my natural curls go free!

So, when I think about rest, that's where I go, even if in my mind only.  My soul goes to the beach when it needs to find rest.  

As to "why" that is?  Well, because the rest I'm trying to get is the one that allows my body to relax while at a state of minimal functionality.  The rest I'm thinking about is temporary.  It's like an escape.  I can get that at the beach!  However, when it's time to join the real world again, my heart sinks because I know I have to get back to the stress of my everyday life.  So...was it true rest what I got at the beach?  Is that the rest the Bible talks about when it exhorts us to "rest in the Lord"?  Is that the rest that renews our strength and causes us to mount on wings like eagles?

I'm afraid not.  The rest I get at the beach is a mere break from the stress of my exhausting routine.  But it doesn't eliminate it.  It doesn't transform it.  It doesn't change it.

The rest that we are called to in Scripture is the one that only Christ can provide.  He is the Only One who can put our burdens upon His shoulders so we are not so labored and heavy laden (Matthew 11: 28-30).  It's the one that tells us to be still, wait and fret no more (Psalm 37: 7)  The rest that God provides doesn't evaporate.  It doesn't depend on a place or the perfection of one's circumstances.  It doesn't end when we leave. The rest that He invites us to have is the one that lasts for a lifetime and beyond, into eternity because it depends on Him.  It is the one that depends on His presence:

And he said, “My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” Exodus 33: 14

Instead of causing us to become semi-catatonic with inactivity, His rest allows us to become strong so we can walk, run and fly without growing tired!

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40: 31

His rest is the assurance of salvation and the constancy of His affection.  It's silence and it's peace. It's knowing that He is our Portion forever!

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 
Psalm 73: 26

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5: 7

For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. 
Psalm 62: 1

The final question is:  are we willing to turn to Him for the rest we seek?

I know that for as long as I live, my heart would turn to the beach.  I believe God knows that, and He meets me there.  But I also know that I must fix my eyes on Him, because only Him can provide the rest I need...the one that lasts though the days are long and tiresome...the one that endures through difficulties, hardship and pain...the one that stays with me even after I have to rejoin the craziness of my everyday reality.  I pray I can tune out the other substandard substitutes for rest that the world offers and turn to Him for the kind of rest that never ends.

A Thorn in the Flesh

Grant and Dylan at the Alive Festival, July 2019

Do I have the equivalent of the Apostle Paul's "thorn in the flesh"? (2 Corinthians 12: 7-10)  I do.  I have "thorns" rather.  Not just one, but I think I have several things that I carry around as reminders of the fact that I'm weak, but that when I am weak, then I am strong.  The funny thing is that often these thorns are actually people.  Yes, I think often our thorns are people whose actions/attitudes/behaviors towards us cause us to live in torment.

However, one thing I have never, really, truly considered is: am I someone else's thorn in THEIR flesh?

O dear...

I never thought about that reversed situation until a few weeks ago.  The realization happened when my sons came back from a 4-night camping trip at the ALIVE Christian Music Festival.  Both of them seemed to have been truly touched by all that they witnessed at this event.  In the ride home after I picked them up, however, Dylan said something that upset me and that set me off on a huge rant, which, of course, involved lots of yelling at both of my sons. 

After the 45 minute ride home was over and I had had time to cool off...I realized that I had been irrational so I asked my boys for forgiveness.  Dylan was quick to be nice and accept my apologies so we could move on.  Grant, on the other hand...was gracious but challenging. I had a talk with him and he said something that stung worst than a thousand wasps.  He said: "it's not the first time that I come back from a mountain top experience with God and the enemy pushes me down so I forget and revert to my old self, but I'm not going to allow him to do that this time."

ouch...

I know it wasn't his intention to make me feel horrible.  But his words made me realize that I am a thorn in his flesh...I am a tool the enemy uses to make my own son stumble.

I felt so small...

I had prayed and prayed that the Lord would reveal Himself to them in very special ways during their time at the Alive Festival, and I believe He truly did.  Then, they came home to me...and they quickly began to tumble down that wonderful mountain top experience they'd just had...and all because of my insensitivity and selfishness.  I don't think I would be able to forget Grant's words for as long as I live.  And I hope I never forget them.  I need to keep that pain fresh so I remember not to continue to be the person who pushes them off their time of elation with God. 

However, and even though I feel terribly ashamed of this situation, thanks to the MomStrong's reminder of Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10, I am able to deal with my guilt in a healthier manner.  Me being a thorn in Grant's flesh has become a thorn in my own flesh.  And, that is a good thing.  It's a good thing because it is a reminder to stay humble.  It's a reminder to be aware of my selfish and irrational tendencies so I can, hopefully keep them in check.  It's a reminder that I am weak, therefore, I have nothing to boast about other than the Lord.

7 or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10

Do I have a thorn in my flesh?  Not only I have several; but I am one as well...and that's the one I am aware of.  However, I pray that the Lord will give me the right attitude and perspective to deal with all these in a way that bring Him Honor and Glory as well as peace to my heart.  His grace IS sufficient and His Love covers a great multitude of sin.  I remain under His wings, even as I make huge mistakes.  I trust His Word, I trust His Strength. Amen!

Stretched too Thin?

"Wow, Mama...I'm going to be really busy, huh?" Dylan said to me yesterday as we wrapped up a whirlwind of a day filled with doctor's appointments and other errands.  "Yep..." I said with a sigh as I mindlessly nodded, looking ahead at the hectic pace waiting for us in the coming months.  If Dylan thinks he'll be busy...multiply that times 4 for me...sigh...

Allergy shots 45 minutes away from home every Monday for the next 6 months; physical therapy twice a week for the next 6 to 12 weeks; drum lessons once a week for the next year; basketball tryout and then practice if he makes it to the team; plus all the school work and all the pushing and pulling so he can stay on track...that's Dylan.  Then, more pushing and pulling and dragging, now with Grant for him to master parallel parking and other wonders of the drivers licence test so he can finally drive himself to band practice twice a week for the foreseeable future...and back home from games every Friday...but...what car is he going to use??? Then, Youth Group (also 45 minutes away)...and all...ALL...the infinitely frustrating and aggravating details of college applications (too many to list...) which have to be all done by Thanksgiving...Lord have mercy...then...my job, which is becoming so consuming I might have to bring a sleeping bag into my office...why I said yes to teaching an extra class at Grove City College is beyond me??? O, yeah, because it has always been my dream to work there...but WHY did I say yes to teaching that extra class there??? Then, of course, there's Dan, the dog and the house (probably not necessarily in that order) ...

Needless to say, I can see an avalanche of stress rushing down the mountain that is my calendar getting closer and closer every day, threatening to engulf me and swallow me up alive...if I'm still alive by then, that is.  And I just have 2 kids!  Hats off to those with anything more than that...you're all super women to me!

Am I feeling like I'm stretched out too thin?  I'm stretched, alright...I have the marks to prove it...and the gray hair...and the lines on my face...sigh...

The author of the MomStrong Bible study asks a couple of questions on this subject: 
1. "How accurately does the way you use your time reflect your priorities?
2. "Do you agree that most of the stress we struggle with is self-inflicted?"

I can't answer these questions without feeling convicted...even before I begin to formulate my answers in my head; I know I'm not going to like what I'm going to say...if I'm honest, that is...

Does the use of my time reflect my priorities?  Well, of course!  Time is the most valuable item we possess in this side of eternity.  It is fleeting and very finite.  Therefore, we are constrained by the way we use it.  And if we are not intentional...we'd end up wasting it, which we would regret sooner rather than later.  But, the deeper question here is: am I being intentional about what my priorities are so I can spend my limited time wisely?  Well...I don't know. 

I need to work.  But, do I need to make myself so crazy with all the extra work I put on over my shoulders?  Probably not.  I could say no to some assignments and to some activities.  However, my need to excel and to demonstrate my worth move me to take on more and more and more responsibilities at work.  I didn't have to accept the offer to teach a class at another college; but my desire to say: "I'm teaching a class at Grove City College," took over my reality of being already stretched too thin. So, now I'm in too deep...gotta swim or sink, even though these things should not be high in the priority list, I placed them there, and now I'm stuck. (Mental note to see what I can do about this next semester)

I have two kids I need to take care of.  But, do they need to be in all the activities and other things they are into in order to survive and have a good life in Christ:  in a way, yes...so the things my kids do should be high in the priority list. (Another mental note here: kids' stuff=high priority)

I am married and I'm about to celebrate my 25th anniversary in a few days.  But, does that mean I have to keep marriage as a high priority?  Pause....sound of crashing cymbals and pounding drums in the background...resounding yes in the foreground.  My marriage is the most important relationship I have on this earth.  Marriage is the reason I left my Father's house and my country of birth!  I am one only with my husband...there is no closer bond between me and any other human being...not even my kids...

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Genesis 2: 24

So, why is it so low in my priority list? Because I tend to push aside what I think I have already accomplished and forget to nurture what I think has already matured.  And, in doing so, I totally neglect the direct command I received the day I said "I do":

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 

Ephesians 5: 22-23

"...as to the Lord..."

That tiny piece of this important passage of Scripture is what today captures my attention and convicts my soul: "...as to the Lord..."

Could it be, perhaps, that the reason I don't have my husband high in the list of priorities is because I don't have the Lord at the spot where He needs to be: the absolute, highest priority?

You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. Deuteronomy 6: 5

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6: 33

“You shall have no other gods before me.”  Exodus 20: 3

Am I neglecting my relationship with my husband, because I'm neglecting my relationship with God? Am I forgetting the command to submit to my own husband, because I'm neglecting the commandment to submit to my Lord and to love Him above all else? Am I forgetting to seek my husband and his love, because I'm forgetting to seek Christ first?  Am I leaving my husband behind in the busyness of life because I am leaving the Almighty behind in my quest for other gods?  Is the stress of this realization all self-inflicted because I don't know how to make my priorities reflect who I really love the most?

I don't have to answer these questions, do I?

I pray that the Lord will guide my steps from now on to re-arrange my priorities in a way that they do reflect accurately, that the way I use my time shows that I know what should always be first in my list.  And, may the Holy Spirit help me and all of us trapped in this "stretched too thin" lifestyle, that we don't need to be self-inflicting stress into our lives.  On the contrary, that the Holy Spirit will show us how to unload our burdens onto Him so we can find rest and gain His strength.  Amen.

Drama Mama?

Am I a drama-mama?  The author of the MomStrong Bible Study says:  "The truth is, some of us are so used to getting caught up in drama that it starts to feel normal, and we even enjoy (often secretly). Are you a drama addict?  Review the telltale signs from chapter 9:  Do you…

                                                              i.      Insert yourself into situations where your presence isn’t necessary or wanted?

                                                             ii.      Get people stirred up over things that are of little to no significance?

                                                           iii.      Need to know about relationships that aren’t your own?

                                                           iv.      Live in the past?

                                                             v.      Believe or claim that your motives for stirring up drama are pure (“I just want to help”)?"

Well, after reviewing the "telltale signs," I can say, pretty confidently, that I don't try to insert my presence when/where it isn't necessary...I'm too lazy for that.  I usually don't try to stir up people over things that are of little to no significance, I got off caring about politics years ago.  I don't really live in the past, my present is too busy, no time for reminiscing.  BUT, I do tend to have a need to know about relationships that aren't my own...and I often claim that my motives for intruding are pure...the old "I just want to help" tag line has come out of my lips once or twice when the real motive is my thirst for knowing what's going on.  In other words, I occasionally fall in the trap of gossip. 

My mouth runs away from me and often I find myself caught up to my neck in a web of hearsay until the chatter gets so loud I can't even discern the truth from all the spinning.  It's awful.  I don't want to be like that.  I'm too old for this.  Sometimes, when I pause long enough to hear myself, I'm ashamed.  I sound like a 13 year-old girl back in middle school.  I should be more mature that this!  I should know better than to fall for the buzz...but, many times I stumble and next thing I know...yeah...I could be a gossip...

One good antidote against the trap of gossip, like the author of the book mentions, is to recognize when it's happening and just walking away.  Be intentional about excusing yourself from the site where gossip is being generated and just leave before it even starts.  But, the trick is to be discerning, to pay attention, to recognize it.  And how do we recognize we are immersing ourselves into gossip?  Well, simple: is the person we are talking about present? If the answer is "no" chances are, that's a red flag.  Unless we are planning a surprise party or trying to figure out what to get her/him for a special occasion, if we are talking about someone else's situation, and that person is not present...it might be bordering gossip.

I know...what does this mean?  Are we not allowed to even vent?  What if we just need to get something off our chests?  Are we not supposed to do that?  What if I get an ulcer from bottling up my anguish?  I don't know.  I guess, if it is done in the spirit of just sharing with a trusted friend to seek advice on how to handle a particularly difficult situation it's OK.  But, if we take it to social media and open it up for a public debate where the other person is getting berated and doesn't even have a chance to defend herself or himself, that's a different story.

What about if we are the person that is acting as the confidant?  Well...I guess, our role should be limited to listening as much as possible.  To be there for our friends in need is one of the most important rules of friendship.  Therefore, being there is important.  Dragging our friend in need into unnecessary anguish is not.  I believe our role should be limited to listening and then, asking the Holy Spirit for guidance in case we need to interject BEFORE we say anything.  That the words that come out of our mouths be words that are inspired by the One who knows and is able to heal...not by our desire to gossip.

I'm pretty much saying all this to myself.  I don't want to regret my actions.  I want to be intentional about being aware of my gossiping tendencies so I can stop and walk away or at least remain silent when I can't leave. I don't want to be a drama mama...I just want to be a good friend, and give an example to my kids on how to steer clear from the chatter.  It never leads to anywhere healthy. But, in order to accomplish all these, I need to be tuned into the Holy Spirit.  Even a quick 911 is an effective tool when we feel ourselves falling.  May the Grace and Mercy of Our Lord Jesus keep us on the right track to holiness as we walk on the road of sanctification. May He keep our feet from slipping.  May He rescue us when we fall.  Amen!  

It's OK to be Human in front of our Kids

Grant in 2012, a bright light in a dark year.

"I think you should read this book, mama..." said Grant timidly to me in his still young boy's voice almost seven years ago as he slipped into my hands a children's version of the book of Heaven is for Real.  I had just picked up a that copy of the book  at the store a couple of days earlier just because I thought it would be a good one for the boys to read...little did I know, that my older son would be using it to comfort me after the passing of my Dad just a few days later...

I grabbed the book from his little hands, and had a hard time looking him in the eyes.  I didn't want him to see me cry.  So, I did my best to keep my composure and gave him a hug.  Dan and I were getting ready to go to Panama to try to make it to the funeral.  The kids were staying with Grandma.  Thanksgiving was around the corner...but it was a year that did not feel like there was much to be thankful for.  My Mother in Law's second husband had just died in very tragic circumstances only a few months back...and now...my Dad...my rock, my greatest fan, my steady hand...was gone miles away from me.  As I struggled to handle my emotions, I didn't want to trouble my sons, so I put up a brave face.  I didn't want them to notice.  I didn't want them to suffer.  I didn't want them to realize the pain I was carrying inside so I tried to bury it as best as I could.  But, when Grant gave me that book, I knew, he knew...and I was mortified.

It has taken these many years to realize that it is OK and even healthy for my sons to see that I am actually human.

It's OK for them to see that I have feelings too...not just the feelings I want them to see, but all the range of human emotions.  And, I do have MANY...including sadness.  I never wanted them to see me crying.  But, what kind of lesson would I be teaching them if I try to hide my tears?  Is that a healthy lesson? Tears, the way I see it, are the mechanism that God has put in place in our bodies to release tension. It's like our own built-in escape valve, included as a safety to help us let out the pressure/tension that builds up inside of us in difficult situations.  I'm no mechanic whatsoever, but, if you ask me (which you shouldn't...at all) I believe, by the very nature of the concept of an escape valve, if it doesn't work properly, say, in a car...a bunch of bad things could happen depending on what valve is not doing its job... (that's as far as I can go with this illustration).  So, we have tears for a reason.  Let's use them, so we don't become sick with toxic exhaust and other nasty stuff that builds up inside of us as a result of plugging them up!  After all, the Lord collects all our tears in a bottle, so one day, He will wipe them all away forever! (Psalm 56: 8, Revelations 21: 4)

My point is...I agree with Heidi St. John, the author of the Bible Study I'm doing, when she says:  "We experience grief because of rejection and broken relationships, because of illness and loss, and because of our own self-focus. And our children will hurt too. We can’t change that, but we do have control over the way we deal with it. MomStrong moms trust God to help them model healing for their children, even if it means your kids see you cry."

I understand this now...so, when I look back at that day when Grant gave me that book, I wish I had allowed myself to cry in front of him...but I didn't.  I stoically hid my feelings and put on a fake, brave face to spare him the pain.  I read the book when he was out of the room.  And then, of course the water works began... Before we left, I told Grant I loved the book and that it helped me very much.  I looked at that precious young boy's brown eyes and saw more love and understanding that I could have ever imagined.  I believe God, despite my foolishness and misguided, good-intentions, and in His infinite mercy, gave Grant wisdom beyond his years to extend His grace and comfort to me in my hour of great grief, and for that, I'm eternally grateful.  He IS close the broken hearted and saves those whose spirits are crushed... (Psalm 34: 18)  And He gave us tears to help us cope.  Let's not diminish their power as we teach our kids the value of a sincerely shed tear.

Conflict Resolution...??

"What are some positive and negative ways your children handle conflict? Make two lists."

O Dear...

Ok, I'm supposed to answer this question for our MomStrong Bible Study...and...I'm at a loss as to how to do that.  Well, actually, I could answer half of it with no problem.  Guess which half?  Yep, the list about "some negative ways" my children handle conflict.  That one is a breeze for me.  The other side of the question, "positive ways" would be like, nada...

Here's a sample situation that happened just this morning in which Grant was showing initiative on trying to figure out ways to handle conflict between him and Dylan in a "positive" way:

Grant:  hey, can you (meaning Dan and I) figure out a way so Dylan is not allowed to 

            be in the same room with me at the same time?

Dan:     yeah, just close the door.

Me:      he means ANY room of the house, not just HIS room.

Dan:     What?

Grant:   I don't want him being in the same place in the house that I'm in.

Dan:     just push him out.

Me:      but, without killing him.

Sigh...

I don't know what to tell you.  My boys get along really well in survival situations.  I am happy to say that they do know how to band together when it's necessary: on a trip, when they go somewhere and it's just the two of them, when they have to stay home alone, whenever they have to battle zombies, vampires or monsters under the bed, etc.  Throw Dan and I (specially me) in the mix, and the whole getting along, band of brothers thing falls apart like a house of cards.  At home, in the car, at restaurants, at the outlet mall, anyplace that we go together...I have to become the referee/warden/executioner because they never seem to be able to ever resolve a conflict like human beings.  

I guess that's the nature of sibling relationships.  But then, if that's the norm, why is the author of the Bible study asking about positive ways our children resolve conflict?  Shouldn't she know that's impossible?  Should that question even be a question?  Is it rhetorical?  Am I supposed to really answer it or just go like, "o yeah...as if!?"  

Anyway, while the intentions of the question remain a mystery to me, one thing is clear:  conflict among individuals who are supposed to love each other is real and inevitable.  

We cannot enter a relationship with another human being and pretend that it is going to be 100% smooth and conflict-free.  It's just not realistic.  And it adds to our already stressful and anxious lives to think there's something wrong with us just because conflict arises.  It's bound to happen!  We're humans!  We all have a mind of our own.  That's one of the many beautiful things that result of God creating us in His image: that we are able to use our brain!  The minute we begin having thoughts, though...that's the instant when trouble starts...why? Well, because not everyone around us will share our thoughts and points of view.  Everyone has a different perspective on everything.  Therefore, conflict is unavoidable.  The key is to know how to handle it without killing each other.

Interestingly enough, the same is true in our relationship with God:  we often don't share His thoughts either. And He is aware of it:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. Isaiah 55: 8

How could we? We are so consumed with wanting it all our way, that we forget that our way is most likely, probably not God's way...then, we get mad, scared, frustrated, disappointed, sad, disillusioned that our plan didn't unfold the way we had envisioned...because, again, we forget that our ways are not His ways, but His way is always best:

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55: 9

Why is this so hard to accept, then?  Well, again, because we are humans, and because our will and our desires are tainted by sin.  Our sinful nature is not fully conformed to the patterns of Christ yet.  We are still too connected to this world, hence the command to renewing our minds!

2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12: 2

It is a lifelong battle, though.  It doesn't happen by magic.  It doesn't happen by our own efforts.  It can only happen by the intervention of the Holy Spirit who is the One that gives us the mind of God in proportion to our reality as humans who still dwell on this side of eternity.  Only through the Holy Spirit can we begin to understand:

10 these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.

The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. 11 For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.12 What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. 1 Corinthians 2: 10-12

And even so, we still remain in awe, for there is no way we could ever, possibly, understand all that there is to be understood about God's designs for us while still on this earth.  If we could...what would that say about God, right?  After all...

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,

or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?

Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,

or weighed the mountains on the scales

and the hills in a balance?

13 Who can fathom the Spirit of the Lord,

or instruct the Lord as his counselor?

14 Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him,

and who taught him the right way?

Who was it that taught him knowledge,

or showed him the path of understanding? Isaiah 40: 12-14

How do my kids resolve conflict? Well, sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.  How do I deal with it? Sometimes, I'm very proud...sometimes I'm ashamed, but always my immeasurable love for both of them stays alive in me.  Kind of like the same way I deal with the fact that often God's will for me is not what I had imagined:  sometimes I see that His ways, are indeed, higher than mine...often, I feel ashamed of myself because of my reluctance to accept His plan...but always confident that He loves me and that nothing will ever change that fact.

The Power of the Shears

Dylan:  "Mom, can I get a haircut?"
Me:      "WHAAAAT!?"  "AGAIN!?"  "NO WAY!"
Dylan:  "Please, Mama...I need it!"
Me:      "You just had a haircut...like...a week ago! NO!"
Dylan:  "It grows really fast when you cut it short!"
Me:      "Then, let it grow long!"

Sigh...I literally get like 2 haircuts a year, maybe...in a good year.  Dylan, I swear it feels like he gets one every other week!  I'm so sick of it.  I miss the days when he didn't care about his hair and just got buzz cuts.  I didn't know how good I had it back then.  And to think that I was the one that kept on suggesting he'd get one of those "cool cuts"...blah, blah, blah...Mercy!!  And then, there's the "products"...We need a line-item on our budget just for Dylan's hair...

The thing is, the jury is still out when it comes to whether hair grows faster when you trim it or not...but, if you do have the really short cuts, then, it shows growth quicker and more noticeable.  Also, if you have split ends, trimming your hair makes it look healthier.  So, getting regular cuts does help make one's hair look nicer and well kept.  But it is such a pain!  It is very costly in money and in time.  But...like Dylan would say: "aren't you glad I want to look nice and not like a bum?" Sigh...

That's, in a small way, kind of what pruning means in the Bible: cutting or trimming to promote growth and fruitfulness.

"Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. John 15: 2

I guess, the benefits of pruning are very well known to gardeners and those who tend fruit trees (and Dylan...but on the hair context...). I, on the other hand, don't know anything about it; but...I have seen some examples.  I remember, when I hadn't been around this area for long, I would see the orchard at the Apple Castle and wondered why the apple trees were so tiny.  One time, at one of their fall fests, the kids and I went on a hayride and they explained how they prune the apple trees every year so they can produce nice, juicy and sweet fruits.  That was intriguing...but it sure helped me understand better the lessons in John 15.  The more I drove by that orchard during season and saw the tiny trees packed full with apples, the more the whole thing made sense:  God, as the Good Gardener, wants us to be fruitful.  And for that, pruning is essential.

It's still very hard, though.  Who likes to be pruned, cut and trimmed?  NOT. ME.  But, apparently, we are the apple trees in the orchard, and if we want our apples to be ever so juicy, sweet and delish, we must endure the harshness of the pruning blade...sigh.  And, the funny thing is, even when we are producing fruit, He keeps on pruning us faithfully, so our fruit gets better and better every time we bloom...

There's no just sitting around in the Kingdom of God.  We think we got something going on that makes us feel as if we're all set and won't need to adjust anything for the long run...when, BAM! there come the shears...and it's all because our Heavenly Gardener doesn't want our growth to be stunted or our fruit to become bland.  He wants us to be productive plants in His Garden.  He wants our branches to continue to produce delightful fruit every season, and that won't happen unless we feel the steel of the blade on our skin.

Me:  "NO HAIRCUT NOW!  Maybe like the day before school starts...maybe...ugh!!!"

Dylan walks away smiling.  He knows he's got me.  Of course I would take him in for a trim.  I do want him to look good...I just hope I remember this next time it's my turn to face the power of the shears.