Am I a Slave to My Own Designs?

Do you sometimes wake up angry or in a bad mood? I do…and it usually has to do with something that happened the night before which didn’t get resolved. Or does it? 

If I look deep inside myself and I am totally honest, the root cause of most of my discontent is selfishness. I have my own agenda. I have my own plans. I have my own ideas of how things should be done. I have my own time table. I have my own ways. AND when someone/something messes with my well thought out plan, conflict arises. Hence, discontent comes my way.

Selfishness…

The problem is that I like things to go my way. I don’t want to give up my hopes, dreams, ventures, plans. I think they are worthy. I don’t see them as selfish. 

The thing I have to ask myself is: am I being governed by my own designs? 

I have to honestly answer questions such as: Am I a slave to my dreams? Does my plan leave room for God’s plan to be fulfilled in my life? Am I flexible enough to accept the fact that God’s will, must be done in me as He has predestined it even if it is different from my own will?

I have intellectual knowledge of God’s sovereignty over all things (which include my life and plans) but sometimes I realize I don’t have the spiritual maturity to accept this truth in my soul. I resist His will. I get annoyed by life’s interruptions. I become frustrated by the detours. I am afraid of deviations. I am nervous when faced with the unknown. I want to revert back to my old path. It’s like a disease…like some kind of disorder and I don’t know what the medicine is.

Or perhaps, I do know it, but I am not strong enough to take it.

I’m not strong enough to swallow the fact that life won’t always go my way. I’m not strong enough to find peace in knowing that God’s plan is the perfect one, not mine. I’m not strong enough to realize that even with the suffering and pain, God’s way, as indecipherable as it sometimes may seem, is the only way.

The only thing left to do is to go to Him, the source of that strength that I lack and hang on to Him as He leads me through His intricate path until I get to where He wants to take me. He is the only one who can carry me there and the only one who can free me from my bondage to my own self. I want to live a life in freedom from my own snares. I don’t want to walk the selfish road anymore. It is too lonely in there. So I pray the Lord will change my focus and shine the light on His path so I can follow it confident that it is the one that leads me to Him...and that He makes “that” the only place I want to be.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55: 8-9

Wallflowers No More

“Today at Sunday school we learned about how God chooses us not the other way around…” Said my 11-year old son as he got in the car when we were leaving church last Sunday. As a rule of thumb, Grant doesn’t talk to us much about what goes on at any school…so we knew that this lesson must have touched him in such a deep way that he was moved to share it with us. Dan and I silently waited to see if there was more that he wanted to add…soon we realized that was the extent of his sharing, so we made some comments on the truth of what he had learned. “Did you know that’s how it was?” We asked. “No, I didn’t…” He answered. “I remember the first time I heard that, myself” I said, “it was a huge revelation!” I added… 

Have you noticed how God works His lessons in themes? There are periods of time when a theme is recurrent and He weaves it together in different occasions and encounters. Sometimes, things we hear in a sermon tie perfectly together with something we read in an e-mail, which then ties together with a song we hear on the radio and something someone else mentions at work…In this instance, my son’s comment was the culmination of a series of lessons God had been teaching me on the fact He has chosen us. Among the most poignant parts of the series in this particular theme has been a blurb I heard on Christian radio. I don’t even know the name of the person who was talking, but he said, “all humanity is lined up against the wall, and God points His finger at you and says: ‘I pick you.’”

When I heard that, my mind went back to my teen years. I so did not enjoy that stage of my life. Between the ages of 11to18 I never stopped feeling/looking awkward. I also felt unwanted. At the handful of dances I ever attended, I was the permanent wallflower, always leaning against a wall or a railing as if looking for something to hang on to while the whole world seemed to be having fun, except me. Those were the days when girls had to wait to be picked by the guys. Girls had to wait to be asked by a boy to dance. Otherwise, we just had to resign to a night of shame by the wall. I can count with the fingers of one hand the times I ever got asked to dance by a guy (and I would have like three fingers to spare). In other words, I hardly ever got picked.

I still remember the loneliness of those days. I guess that is why hearing the message of how the Lord chooses us never gets old to me. That message means that I don’t ever have to feel like a wallflower anymore! And the good news is that neither do you! The truth of God’s selecting us descends on us like a comfy blanket that keeps us warm in the coldest of winter days. As my son is still dealing with the huge transition of moving to a new area and going to a new school, I’m sure he feels the sting of loneliness pricking at his young heart on a daily basis. Therefore, hearing that the God of the Universe has picked him since before He created the world, has to bring joy to his soul. 

“And the best part is, that you didn’t have to do anything for God to choose you…” we pointed out to our son. “He chose you just because of His great love and mercy and for that we are humble and eternally grateful.” Because now, we don’t have to be wallflowers anymore.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will. Ephesians 1: 3-5

Linking with Little R and R, Whole Hearted Home

Micromanaging Prayer?

It was the night before my treatment. Multiple prayers had been said over the months since my diagnosis of thyroid cancer all geared toward this very day that now was but hours away. As I lay in bed alone, staring at the ceiling, I simply said, “Lord, I’m in your hands. You take care of the details.” After that, I let out a sigh of relief. Soon, I felt my heavy eyelids shutting down for the night, but before I drifted into sleep, I had a minute to wonder about how peculiar my prayer had seemed…I couldn’t believe that was it. Wasn’t I supposed to say something WAY more elaborate and profound in preparation for the big day? For some reason, the prayer felt just right. I had peace in my heart and I was grateful for it. Therefore, I let sleep sweep me off my feet.

The day came and things began falling into place one by one. We got one kid on the school bus. The other kid came downstairs all dressed for school without fussing. The babysitter showed up early. We were out the door on time, and as the garage door lifted, we saw the beauty of the morning dawning on us. We said a prayer at the end of the driveway and I told Dan about how I had prayed for God to take care of the many details without going into details…

All throughout, I just couldn’t stop thinking how I had dared to offer such a simple prayer in one of the most dreadful days of my life!? Me? a simple prayer? I am the Queen of micromanaging prayer! I make sure I pray for every single detail of whatever situation I’m praying for as if I were an industrial engineer going through an elaborate procedural manual that needs to be just like so in order for the machinery to work like clock works…otherwise something may be left out and the whole thing may collapse…and that is just not going to happen on my watch! I need to remind God about everything that needs taken care of. I need to show God that I do care about every single detail too. I need to show Him that nothing is superfluous or unnecessary. Where did this simple prayer come from?

I started to think about other women in the Bible trying to think if there was another micro-manager like myself who may have tried to take the details into her own hands, to help out God a bit, just in case He may forget…and I thought of Sarah, Abraham’s wife. A fine example of a woman taking matters into her own hands to hurry things along and help out in the fulfillment of God’s plan…only to have it all backfire on her/our face…that’s the story of Sarah…

She knew that God had a plan of making Abraham the father of as many offspring as there are stars in the heavens (Gen 15: 5) As the practical woman she was, she just couldn’t wrap her mind around how that would all come to be and still have her involved in such a plan. She was past her child bearing years and had yet to have borne Abraham one single child. Needless to say, Sarah didn’t trust God with the details of the plan. So, on she went to do some micromanaging. Next thing we know, in comes Hagar, ushered into Abraham’s arms by none other than Sarah herself. The rest constitutes a portion of history of such biblical proportions that still haunts us today…

I have been in Sarah’s shoes many times. I did too struggle through infertility and went through great lengths to have a biological child (not to the lengths that Sarah wen to, I must clarify : ) but I did put my body through a lot to achieve it. I have manipulated events in other areas as well in order to get what I “needed” be it a job, a house, money, friends, emotional stability, you name it! And as I discovered just now, I have micromanaged prayer too. My arrogance has gone as far as thinking that if I don’t mention every detail I want God to take care of, He just won’t remember to do it…maybe because I’m judging God against human standards and some of the males around me tend to be on the forgetful side? There I go again, trying to justify my lack of trust.

I just like to control things. I have a hard time letting go of the reigns. Perhaps that is the main lesson I am to learn out of the situation I find myself in right at this moment. I have ZERO control. All I can do is trust.

I trust that God’s plan is still perfect, regardless of the challenges. I trust that He loves me. I trust that He will lead me and be with me in the trial. I trust that He will take care of every tiny detail without me having to point them all out. He knows them all. He created the plan!

As it happened, the day was perfect. I could not have organized it any better. Everything was on time. Results were great and I swallowed the pill! What two months ago had seemed impossible, became possible that afternoon at 3pm with God, right in there next to me, in a scary room with steel doors and signs of radioactive hazard posted all over the walls.

God took care of every single detail. The drive was beautiful. He even gave us a gorgeous sunrise that was as peculiar as my prayer. As we drove up and down the rolling hills of Western PA, Dan pointed out to the east. Where the sun was rising…there was one single deep orange ray shooting upward from behind the horizon straight up to the sky…what a sight! It was as if the Finger of God was pointing us in the direction toward which we should keep our eyes fixed! A few minutes later, the largest ball of fire rose in the sky, filling the clouds with unimaginable shades of reds, pinks and orange, mixed in with creamy whites and blue. The heavens, indeed, declared the majesty of His Name!

Linking with: Little R and R and Whole Hearted Home

An Attitude of Gratitude

This morning was the first morning I woke up in my own bed.  And I have to say, that after sleeping on my Mother in Law's couch for the last five days, it felt pretty good (not that I don't TRULY appreciate my Mother in Law's willingness to allow me to spend my five-day isolation period in her house, after taking a radioactive pill for my thyroid cancer treatment...I would never know how to repay her kindness).  But even so, it felt good, indeed, to wake up in my own home, surrounded by my beloved boys and with a sense of normalcy at last.

I was overwhelmed by the events of the past week, and I really didn't know what to think.  Then, I opened up my devotional, and there it was...these are the words that greeted me from the tiny pages of my book straight to my soul:

"I give thanks to You, Lord, for You are good.  Your love endures forever.

I give thanks to You, the God of gods.  I give thanks to You, the Lord of lords, to You who alone does great wonders, who by Your understanding made the heavens, who spread out the earth upon the waters, who made the great lights and the sun to govern the day.

Your love endures forever.

I give thanks to You, Lord, the One who remembered me in my low estate and freed me from my enemies.

I give thanks to the God of heaven, for Your love endures forever. Indeed, Your love endures forever!"

When I didn't know what to say, He gave me His very own Word, in the form of Psalm 136, to offer it back to Him as my thank-offering after His Hand had delivered me from a trial back to the comfort of my home, that He has provided.  He sure does provide!  The Holy Spirit is there to give us the exact prayer for the exact time, even if it is in the form of groaning too deep for words. (Romans 8:26) And through Him, our prayer becomes acceptable to The Father in Heaven.

The Holy Spirit, Himself, kept me from becoming one of the nine today.  You know, the nine?  The 10 men with leprosy whom Jesus healed, from which only one returned to Him to say thank you. (Luke 17:11-19) Today, by His Grace, I was not one of the nine that didn't return.  He kept me from becoming so caught up in the day that I didn't "return" to Him to say thank you.  Instead, in the first light of the day, He led me to embracing an attitude of gratitude, for He is Good and He is the Only One worthy of our praise, worship and thanks...and for that, for His gracious Hand on every detail of my current ordeal, I pray to keep my attitude of thanksgiving so every time I look back on these days, I can smile and say thank you once again.

From Panicky Prayers to Confident Assurance

Well, the hour is very near…tomorrow I go in to take my treatment for thyroid cancer and, needless to say, I am not really pumped about it. I spent the morning alone at home, trying to get ready for the 5 day-isolation period that follows taking the radioactive pill, which is the main treatment, and it was a bummer. My mind kept racing and I kept bumping into panicky prayers. You know the kind? Those which you utter in your mind in a moment of…well…panic, when you think the whole world is going to collapse on top of you, hopelessly crushing you…the kind in which you hear the thoughts trembling in your mind (it sounds impossible, but that’s the only way I can explain it). Well, panicky prayers…

I have to say, I am tired of panicky prayers. I want confident assurance, instead!

How do I get that?

Well, if I would just pay attention to whom Our Heavenly Father is, I would not have to wonder such a thing. If I would only remember what He has done in the past, recount His acts, look back and see His constant hand of deliverance and recall the fact that He is Faithful and that His promises are true, I would have no use for panicky prayers. But I so quickly forget…

That’s why even in my forgetfulness and in the midst of my doubt, He comes true. As I opened my devotional today, January 15th, the words on that little page jumped out at me as if straight from above:

“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? I choose to put my hope in You, O God, for I will yet praise You, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I remember You! (Ps. 42:5-6). In all my distress, you too are distressed, and the angel of Your presence saves me. You lift me up and carry me as You have done for Your children through all the days of old (Isa. 45:3). Lord, help me not to fear, for You are with me; I need not be dismayed, for You are my God. You will strengthen me and help me. You will uphold me with Your righteous right hand (Isa. 41:10).”

And there I had it…confident assurance carefully packed by God’s Hand in a nutshell just when I needed it.

God’s timing and mysterious ways never cease to amaze me. He is the source of all power and the key to having that power flowing through us is to stay connected to it through His Word. If I don’t have His Word in my heart, it is going to be more difficult for the Word to come to my rescue in my hour of need. Of course the Lord is resourceful and He will send us His Word regardless, but it sure makes it easier when we stay tapped to Him by the unbreakable cords of Scripture at all times. 

I just let out a big sigh of relief as I marveled at God’s Goodness, yet one more time. I dove into the calming waters of His Love and I breathed in His healing power as I felt confident that He walks with me through this fire. He is Lord of All. 

So the route from panicky prayers to confident assurance…? Knowing His Word, reading His Word, listening to His Word so we can call on His promises, faithfulness and love at all times and in any situation. It never fails.

Linking with: Whole Hearted Home and Little R and R

Egg Separation

Another “perk” of the current diet I’m in right now in preparation for Thyroid treatment is that I can only have egg whites…no yolks. And of course, I cannot use store-bought egg whites either. They have to be the real thing. Well, after a few days of eating basically the same for lunch and dinner, I began to be hungry for something different. My handy cook book had a recipe for potato omelet. It caught my eye right away since I LOVE Spanish Tortilla, and after glancing at the short recipe I knew right away that, THAT was exactly what this dish was, so I rejoiced! The down side…I had to separate eggs…

My memories of disastrous attempts at egg separation caused me anxiety. So before I even began to dream about eating my beloved Spanish Tortilla, I went to one of the 21st century’s most commonly used source of information on how to do anything…YouTube. And voilà, there it was. I found a long list of “best ways to separate an egg” videos. I picked the first one I saw, and it was a guy with an Eastern European accent telling me that all I needed for this daunting task were two plates and an empty water bottle???

I knew better than to distrust anything on YouTube : ) so I emptied a water bottle, got the plates, eggs and watched the video. Astonished, I saw how this guy cracked the egg on one of the plates then proceeded to suction the yolk right out of the white swiftly with the empty water bottle to then deposit it gently on the other plate. In less than 15 seconds, the egg had been separated without any kind of disgusting-E.coli-inducing-mess!

I, once again, marveled at God’s attention to details. I don’t know why I do…He is the God of the details and of order and of beauty… otherwise, why would have He made so many varieties of flowers, and leaves, and people? He rejoices in the intricacies of His creation and the Joy of the Lord IS our strength!

Sometimes we forget, but I know that we can see the Hand of God in everything that happens to us, if we only watch carefully. I chose the word “refocus” as my word for 2014, and I am trying, especially through my current circumstances, to truly put it into practice and refocus my vision so I can see Him in action in every little thing that happens to me, for an awareness of His presence sustains me.

In the meantime, I can tell you I enjoyed that Spanish Tortilla immensely! It was a huge treat. As a matter of fact, I’m thinking I might need to get me some more water bottles so I can make more for lunch today again!

“Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10

For Those Whose Eyes Are on Me

This morning, I read the following statement in my daily devotional:

“The way we behave overwhelmingly flows from what we deeply believe.”

Needless to say, I was convicted by the mere thought of that…It is not that I am wild and act like a pagan. It is more like I too often act as a woman who is overwhelmed and hopelessly crushed by life’s circumstances. 

As I approach a huge challenge in a few days, I realize there are precious eyes watching my every move. My sons’, first and for most, then, there is the rest of my family, my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ, they are all watching, and whether they know it or not, how I fare through my storm will have some sort of impact in their own lives. Some realize it more than others. Some WAY more than most…my dearest niece/little sister, Nicole falls into this category. She openly and unapologetically told me so a couple of days ago. 

I must have sounded as if I was moping the floor with my spirit (I don’t know how that image transpired through a text message, but she perceived it, somehow) because she wrote me a few words that shook me. She said, and I quote:

“I don’t think I need to tell you, but you better react well to this because I am watching you and I am planning to copy EVERYTHING you do!!! : )” Then she wrapped it up saying: “It’s not what happens to us but how we decide to react that defines us…”

Well, there I had it. Nicole managed to condense life-guiding lessons in a couple of sentences sent over a text-message across the miles. I know that I am going to be scared in the two weeks to come; but I also know that the Lord is Faithful even when I am not. He has already provided for every detail in this journey and He will continue to provide everything I need to weather this current storm. I know that in the midst of my fear and anxiety, even if I can’t do it for myself, those whom God has placed around me as brothers and sisters in Christ, as well as the Holy Spirit Himself, will lift me up in prayer and supplication with thanksgiving so the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4: 6-7)

I sure pray that neither Nicole nor anybody I know and love would ever have to be in a circumstance in which they may have to copy everything I am doing today and in the coming weeks; but if they ever do, I pray that all they remember is that we can do all this through Christ who gives us strength. (Phil 4: 13) 

I claim this as my statement of faith, and I pray that I behave in a way that demonstrates that I believe it! Let my actions reveal my faith in You as I go through my trials so my behavior may be my testimony of faith to those whose eyes are on me.

Linking with: Essential Fridays