I Choose to Trust Him, Today

As I'm entering the season of the year that brings me the most melancholy and sadness...I'm also entering a time of medical testing.  If there is something that gives me anxiety in this life is medical testing...not because of the test itself...but because of the results.  Waiting by the phone or checking my online portal every 5 minutes with sweaty palms and icy-cold fingers scanning the minutes for the moment when I get the test results consumes the best of me.

I have spent days/weeks/months agonizing as I worry, deep in anxiety about the results that may come out of my tests.  This predates my cancer diagnosis 6 years ago.  I've always panicked at the thought of having a test because of the "what if."

I. AM. TERRIFIED. OF. THE. WHAT. IF.

I'm not going to go through the litany of the "what if" scenarios that come to mind when I think about my health (or lack of thereof), because that would create even more anxiety in my already troubled heart...but I'm just going to say that I struggled with the thought of not being able to do what I think I need to do in order for my loved ones to be OK.

I carry the burden of their wellbeing upon my shoulders...so, if my shoulders are not able to carry them, who will?

I know...I know...I know...it is not mine to carry, but it feels as if it is.  I don't want my boys to grow up without a Mom.  I don't want my husband to be a widower (especially because I don't want another woman to enjoy the money I have saved for retirement! :) I don't want to bring sadness to those who depend on me in this life.  I want to be here to see them get through the milestones.  I don't want to miss the joy of grandkids.  I want to know what it feels like to be retired, enjoying life with the love of your life by your side.  I want the romantic-comedy version of my life.  

But life is not a cheesy, predictable, lollipop flavored, chick flick.  Life is hard.  Life breaks your heart.  Life beats you up.  Life slaps you on the face.  Life breaks you apart.  Life tears you into pieces.  Life shakes you up and jerks you around.  Life stabs you on the back, and, when you're not looking...it pulls the rug from under your feet and it ends.

So...is it worth it?  Is there hope?

Well...it all depends.  Like most things, finding the value of life and seeing the hope depend on our choices: am I going to choose to fall into despair and trouble my soul anticipating a future that might not even come to pass? or am I going to trust the One Who Made me?

In my case, most of my anxiety comes from fear...and the fear comes from placing my gaze on the future.  I forget the truth that the future is not promised.  My vision should be fixed on Christ in the here and in the now.  If I choose to seek Him first today...then, I won't have time to worry about the future.  If I choose to trust Him today, then, I'd know His promises.  If I choose to place my hope in the things not seen, but on those unseen today, then, I'd know that Faith in Him is where I find Hope.  If I choose to know His Word today, then, I'd know that He calls me His own, that He knows me, that He made me and that He would never leave me for I am His masterpiece.

He knows the number of my days, and He has always known them...even before I came to be...so, I pray I can choose to trust in the Maker of my days, and that I learn to relax in the Hands that formed my being.

For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139: 13-16 (ESV)

I will try to leave the future in His most capable hands...as I walk with Him today...day by day...through medical tests, through the waiting hours, through the processing of the results.  He is the King of Who I Am, and I choose to trust the One On The Throne!

He Is the King of Who I Am

Well...last night was our last Bible Study meeting and a bunch of MomStrong Moms are now out in the world doing their thing! And that's wonderfully exciting!  Except that I'm going to miss this group.  Every Monday night for the last 6 weeks we gathered together in fellowship, seeking to grow closer to Christ as we walk together in this ministry of motherhood...and now...it's over...but the challenge remains:

To think of proactive steps that we can take to get serious about our walk with God.

A great challenge, indeed.  And, to tell you the truth...I don't know how to answer it.  When I look back at my life, I feel like I am miles upon miles away from when my walk with Christ began...a lost, young soul who didn't even know what having a "personal relationship with God" meant.  I remember listening to Pastor Doug talk about it from the pulpit feeling like I should have known what that was all about, but realizing I hadn't a clue!  But...then...I look at my life today and realize I have SO MUCH road to cover still.  I am not where I should be, or at least, not where I'd like to be.  And all I know is that I'm standing somewhere, not sure where, confused as to where to go next.

In my opinion, I should be this seasoned, matured, well-centered, poised, calm and collected woman of God that is 100% immersed in the river of peace and who walks with the glow of The Almighty's Light for the whole world to see!  In reality, I look in the mirror and I see this middle-age woman, past her prime, who is still acting as an immature, clumsy, messy, clueless, air head with shaky faith whose idea of peace is reduced to being able to spend 2 hours watching a flick in her IPad, sitting in the dark when everyone else is already sleeping late at night. 

How could I ever, possibly suggest steps that can help anyone get serious about their walk with God?

I don't even know where I am, myself!  I panic at the thought of things not going my way.  I lose it at the slightest mishap.  I become paralyzed at the first sign of a detour.  I fall flat on my face with the smallests of bumps.  I feel like the world is ending when I hit the tiniest pothole...sigh...

I have been trying to get serious and mature in my walk with God, but I'm still an infant.  I don't know how to hide His Word in my heart or how to make it be a lamp unto my feet and a light into my life!

I need help.

Sigh...

I wish I could have a formula:  follow these 5 easy steps and grow closer to God!  But I don't.  In reality, I believe it's impossible to have a "one-formula-fits-all" type of deal because it is a personal journey.  We each embark on it at different times, on different ports and with different accommodations.  Our job is to embrace it by placing ourselves under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, our True Captain and by stepping on it with both feet, trusting that the One at the wheel knows where we're going and how to get us there.

This journey comes in with humility:  the humility of surrender.

It takes humility to accept that the mess, the confusion, the fear, the cluelessness, the sadness, the melancholy, the difficulties, the hurts, the pain, the loneliness, the disappointments, the stress, the entire package of our life is a part of the voyage too...and we can't sanitize it.  We can't pretend we've got it all together, because the more we pretend, the more we hang onto the lie that it is up to us, and the longer we do that, the more exhausted and demoralized we become...hence, the more we tread water and stay adrift. 

Surrendering ourselves to the great unknown requires great humility because surrender implies lack of control, which equals admitting it's not up to us...and that is a humbling experience.  But the promised peace will not start to flow like a river unless we submit our will to His and let go of our own.

I guess, now that I've thought about it a bit more, if you'd ask me:  how do I get serious about my walk with God, I'd say:  cast your crown at His feet and let go so He can be Lord over your life!

I pray that the Holy Spirit will allow us to surrender our wills to Him so Christ can occupy His Throne in our hearts as the Rightful King of who we are!

As Iron Sharpens Iron

As iron sharpens iron,

so one person sharpens another. Proverbs 27: 17

As I prepare for the last meeting of our wonderful summer Bible Study for Moms, we are called to ponder on the proverb above.  I. LOVE. THAT. PROVERB!!!

It is such a powerful image, and it takes me back a million years ago to when I was a little girl in Panama.  I mean, I remember vividly seeing my Dad sharpening knives by rubbing them together, blade against blade.  I remember the sound the blades made when they came in contact with each other.  I remember how scary the whole scene looked:  my Father, standing tall, warning everyone to stay away...A W A Y from him, knife in each hand, exercising enough force to even create the occasional sparks.  He repeated the action many times.  It was quite a sight.  At the end, the knives would be hot and sharp.  Amazing!

I also remember an old man who would walk the streets of my hometown pushing an old-rickety cart with a grinding wheel.  We lived on the outskirts of town, so the old man didn't make it to our neck of the woods too often.  But every so often, he'd pass by, which always sent us kids in a frantic run around the house announcing that the sharpening man was about.  Quickly Rosa and my Mom would carefully gather scissors and other artifacts to take to the guy.  He'd press a pedal and to the sound of metal grinding, sparks would fly until the blades were sharp again.

The thing is, a blade cannot sharpen itself.  And, regardless of how sharp it is when we first get it, a knife, for example, will lose its ability to dice, slice, cube, fillet and perform any other type of cut. They need to be forcefully rubbed against another in order to stay sharp. We, God's children, are the blades.  And, unless we are forcefully rubbed against each other we'd become dull too.    

We will lose our ability to function if we are isolated from our brothers and sisters in Christ.  We are meant to be in community and in fellowship.  That's God's design.  He made us in His image, and He is a God of fellowship:  Father, Son and Holy Ghost!  When we are by ourselves, the effects are devastating.  Think about the times when you feel alone...truly lonely...is that a state you enjoy and want to stay in for a long while, say...'till Kingdom come?  No matter how much we think we hate people, we need each other.  Alone time is good for a time...not for ALL the time.  We need human contact, especially fellowship with other believers, hence the call to gather together,

Let us not neglect meeting together, as some have made a habit, but let us encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10: 25

Look at kids today.  They are displaying one of the world's greatest paradox ever:  they are the most connected generation, yet, they are the loneliest.  Why?  Because they lack human interaction.  They spend their days glued to a screen, watching what others are doing or saying, while they are static and alone on a couch or chair away from humanity.  It's no wonder there is an epidemic of depression among America's youth!  Depresion is the most common mental health disorder among teens, and it's skyrocketing!  We're talking millions.  I saw a statistic that said there were about 3 million kids 12-17 that had at least one depression episode in 2014...I don't even want to know what that statistic is today, 5 years later.

We need God.  And we need each other.  Otherwise, we sink and drown...we can't function...we can't stay sharp...we become dull and lose our purpose.  

At any rate, this business of using iron to sharpen iron is not unlike my memories...though, perhaps not as dramatic as my Dad's thing with the knives and hopefully not as rare as the old man with the grinding wheel passing by my house.  We are the blades.  God is the One who brings us together.  Let's sharpen one another in love.  It is hard work, it might be painful, but once the sparks fly, we'd know we're getting ready for action, sharpening our skills to accomplish our purpose!

Grant's Pick

There's Grant.  Riding solo...LCF last night

We are a movie family.  I mean...not like we are a picture-perfect clan...not even a little bit.  What I mean is that we enjoy watching movies together.  Movie watching consumes a great deal of our time. Films are so ingrained in us that our conversations often circle back to films we've seen, and we basically speak and see the world in movie references.  The funny thing is that more often than not, we actually agree on our likes and dislikes.  Even when someone suggests a movie, and the rest are not too keen on it...once we watch it, we end up agreeing on our final opinions about the film: we all agree that it was either a good choice or a poor one...except for yesterday, that is...

Grant had mentioned he wanted to see this one flick...he's like:  "it's about a book I read at NCCA!"  So I was like:  well, if it's about a book he read when he was 10 years or younger at the Christian school he attended until 5th grade...how bad could it be? Right?

Anyway, since we are squeezing in as many movies as we can before the beginning of the school year, and the night before we had gone to a late showing of a movie Dylan had been begging me to take him to see...I figured it was time to watch a Grant's pick.  We were the only three souls in the theater.  Cool!  We got to seat close to the front and dead center!  We put our feet up and got comfy.  The film was PG-13 and Grant had done the research...no bad words, no inappropriate adult content..."it's just a little scary," he'd said.  OK, we can take a little scary, no biggie.

Let's just say that next time we see a Grant's pick, I will make sure I am the one reading the plugged-in reviews.  The film was terrifying!  I watched most of it through my fingers and Dylan had a panic attack at one scene! (He'll kill me if he ever finds out I'm telling people about this!!! so shhhhh) Then, I looked at Grant, and he was smiling and savoring every bit of it as if it was cotton candy and M&Ms!!!  What's wrong with that child!!???  He is not my son!!!

Well...thinking about these has brought to mind what author, Heidi St. John writes on the book Becoming MomStrong, which we are using for the Bible study (which, incidentally, we're about to wrap up next Monday): 

The author says: "God trusts us to raise His children. They’re not really ours, after all. They’re on loan to us from the Creator. Our job is to train these precious children to hear God’s still, small voice above all the other voices competing for their attention, both today and in the years to come.

How does it change your perspective on parenting to realize that your children belong to God?"

Sigh...

This is such a timely reminder for me at this season of my life when I am stepping into Grant's senior year:  He is not mine to keep.  Grant belongs to God and He just placed him in my arms as a loan...

Honestly, I don't like to see motherhood from that perspective.  But it is the only perspective I need.  Grant is a gift.  He is a true miracle.  He came to us when we thought we would never have biological children.  God worked His purpose for us through the deepest pain and disappointment, and He placed that baby in our arms 17 years ago to love and to cherish, but also to train as His follower so he could perform the work God has prepared for him...apart from us...

Man...that's a hard concept to grasp for a Mom...

Grant's not mine to keep.  As a young boy he's been my constant companion, my sound board, my steady hand, my source of deepest worry and joy...and now it is my job to get him ready to fly solo...as I stand behind and watch him soar on the wings of His Heavenly Father.

He is like me in so many ways...but he is not me.  And that's OK.  He is his own person, and even though I might not recognize most of who that person is or will be, God knows him.  He made Grant and He has a purpose for that young man...and I just have to trust.

When we got out of the theater, Dylan and I yelled at Grant for putting us through such an ordeal.  Then, we laughed and went to the fair to have one last summer hurray eating greasy foods, ice cream and watching the cousins play in their school band.  It was a beautiful evening with rain, rainbows and a gorgeous sunset.  As I watched Grant get on the scary carnival rides all by himself, I smiled ... there's our boy, God, beautifully gentle but fearless.  "Oh the places you'll go, and the things you will do!"

Angry-Texting and Letting Go

Grant, front-center at Band Practice, with his Tenor Saxophone, his constant companion these last 5 years

Dylan:     Are you angry-texting?
Me:          Yes, I am!
Dylan:     Is Grant in trouble?
Me:          YES HE IS!  and I hope that this teaches YOU that if you ever, EVER get a cell-phone,
                you better answer my MESSAGES RIGHT AWAY!!!!

This was part of a dialogue between Dylan and I yesterday at Kennywood when trying to keep out of the pouring rain while waiting by the exit to make sure all the band kids had gotten the message that the park was closing, the parade was cancelled and we were leaving at 4:30 p.m. instead of 10:00 p.m.

Of course, all of the other chaperones were confident that the students had by now all heard and were aware of the changes.  All, except me...because the one kid I hadn't heard from was mine.  I had been trying to reach him for 1 hour now with no response and it was driving me INSANE!!!

After standing in the rain long enough, I decided to head out to the bus with Dylan and wait there.  I sat down and fumed as I saw kid after kid come in with no sign of Grant.  Finally, I saw the group I had last seen Grant hanging out with come on the bus, so I asked the most reliable one about him and she said he was with this other kid.  Apparently, Grant parted ways with them at some point.  GREAT! At 4:30 on the dot, in comes the last group of band members, all drenched and clueless, and there's Grant, the last one ... blissfully ignorant of his surroundings, when he lands his eyes on me, he knew something was wrong.  I just lifted my phone to my face and gave him my angry-mama look...yep, he knew, alright!

I saw Dylan with the corner of my eyes sneaking in a smile ... you know ... that "involuntarily premeditated" smile siblings get when they know the other one is about to get it...sigh...

Shortly after Grant texted me a lame excuse about his phone being in someone else's bag and him not seeing the messages, blah, blah, blah...I decided not to reply.  Enough angry-texting.  So I just went on text-silence for the duration of the trip home.

When we came in the house, Dan was already there back from work and he asked about the day and how did we deal with the cancellation of the parade and so on...to which I just say..."well, ask Grant..." to which Grant proceeded to tell the story about what happened with the phone being in his friend's bag since lunch time, etc. etc. etc. Then, as usual, Dan delivered his customary fatal blow commentary when he said, looking at me straight in the eyes:  "Well, how many seconds or minutes or hours of any day do you think you're going to know where he is at or what he is doing around this time a year from now?"

"D'oh!!!"

Yep, leave it to Dan to be swift at ending a "discussion."

That was the moment I decided I had just chaperoned my last band trip for Grant.

Five years ago, Grant joined the marching band and I was exhilarated and terrified at the same time.  I was very happy he had finally found a place to land.  I was very scared he would join in with the wrong crowd within that group, that he'd get hurt, that he'd be misled to the wrong path, that he'd get lost...therefore, I made it a mission to be present as much as possible, especially at the away events and trips.  I got all my clearances and I became a chaperone.  I put up with the discomfort of traveling to Disney on a bus for 20 PLUS hours one-way.  I survived hauling 100 kids through Time Square and other streets in New York City at Night.  I endured country music extravaganza, in Tennessee and numerous other exhausting experiences because I wanted to be there and I wanted to see that he was OK.  I felt that if I was there, he'd be safe.  And, of course, I knew that if I was there, I would be less of a wreck because I would not have to be wondering whether he was well or not.

I can't do this anymore.  I have to let go.

Grant is going to begin his senior year exactly one week from today.  I'm going to blink and we will be attending his graduation and then his childhood will be over.  There would be no more little Grant to guide by the hand.  He will be on his own.  My job is shifting from protector of a boy to prayer warrior for a young man.  It is my responsibility to make sure he feels confident to transition from holding my hand to grabbing hold of the Only Hand that can truly lead him to the green pastures: the hand of the Good Shepherd...the One Who is The Way.

After we were done discussing the topic, and my tempered had cooled off, I gave Grant a big hug and we started going over the fun stuff we did have a chance to do at Kennywood.  It was a fun day after all.  And we decided not to cut it short and just go catch a late showing of a movie we've been trying to go watch since Friday.  We came home exhausted, but happy.  And as for me, I am praying the Lord helps me enjoy as many of these precious moments with my boys while I still have them at home, as I learn to let them go (and I learn to do less angry-texting), entrusting them to the One who makes their paths straight and loves them more than I do.

Running Away from God's Will

You've heard of Jonah, right?  The guy with the Bible's most recognizable pout.  Who can forget the scene?

God:     Jonah..."Go to the great city of Nineveh..."  It's really wicked in there and I want you to go                   preach to them!

Jonah (looking all around him as if the command had been given to someone else):  ...er... (run away as fast as he can! not even one recorded word said in reply...)

Next scene:

Jonah:  one ticket to the farthest place from Nineveh, please!

Next scene:

Big storm!  Jonah hiding (sleeping, actually) below deck.

Captain of the Ship:   What the...what? How can you be asleep?  WE. ARE. GOING. TO. DIE in this storm.  DO SOMETHING!!!

Jonah:  UGH!!!! Just throw me into the sea.

Next scene:

Big Fish

Yes, we're all very familiar with this story.  This morning, however, I have been thinking about it as an illustration of how we, upon occasions, may be running away from God's will by being busy doing what we believe to be God's will...but it's not...

Wait...what?

I know, right?  No...I don't really know.  I'm just truly going out on a limb here.  But bear with me for a minute and I might be able to figure out how to say what I think I need to say.

I believe, the main purpose of all of the enemy's schemes, lies, deceptions, manipulations, button pushing is to keep us away from God:  our source of all power, health, strength, peace, rest, joy, etc.  Sometimes, the tactics that he uses are absolutely maleficent.  Like, for instance, I believe the devil uses what we think is God's work to actually keep us away from God.  You know what I mean?

What is more powerful in our fight against evil:  the intentional, one-on-one, quiet, intimate, purposeful, war-room-style praying moments we spend with Our Lord or the busy-work we do in the mission field (whatever this may be:  church pantry, leading youth group/Bible study, mission trips abroad or next door, school, office, classroom, etc.) fill-in-the-blank-ministry, volunteering in any capacity type of work?  If we think about it deeply and dare to answer honestly, the down-on-one's-knees, listening to the still small voice, cultivating of our personal relationship with Christ in prayer, thanksgiving and petition is our secret and most effective weapon against the forces of darkness that attack the spiritual realm of our souls.

The devil does anything he can to prevent moments like those.  Even if he has to twist good, godly work to accomplish it.

If the work we are doing for the Kingdom is keeping us away from sitting by the feet of Jesus...we're acting just like Jonah.  We are, perhaps unintentionally, running away from what God most desires from us:  worship!

Fellowship and followship is what Jesus wants from us!

And he saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men. 

Matthew 4: 19 (King James)

Notice, the following comes first...then the doing.  Like two famous sisters also remind us:

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10: 38-42

The way I see it, Martha, an action-prone woman, saw the importance of meeting the practical needs involved in tending Jesus' entourage.  That was not Jesus desire, though...HE. WAS. THERE. IN. THE. FLESH!!!! Martha, just calm down and come sit with Him.  Mary's got it...and nobody is going to take her away from that moment...no evil scheme...no sister manipulation...no good works.  The only good work required was for people to sit at the feet of the Great I AM present among them.

Jonah thought he knew better than God.  He thought going to Nineveh was a waste of time, the same as Martha thought sitting by Jesus' feet was a waste of time when there was SO MUCH work to do around the house...the same we think it's a waste of time to spend time seeking, truly, intentionally seeking Him first in the quiet of our souls.  There's too much to do out there in the world!  Too many suffering people need comforting.  Too many wounds need tended.  Too many needy, hungry, hurting people need helped, fed, consoled...there's no way we can slow down and just be still.  

The problem is: that's a lie! Pride might make us think we're indispensable for the completion of the good works we're undertaking...but, who is the One that began and truly completes every good work started in us? (Philippians 1: 6)

In comes the big sea creature...we get swallowed...God finally gets our attention.

A hospital bed, a job that is lost, a loved one gone, a phone call, a dark pit...the belly of the big fish.

Lord...here I am...please let me hear your voice!

What I'm trying to say, without much eloquence is: if we are in so over our head, running around like crazy, doing what we think is kingdom work to the point that we become deaf to the still, small voice of the Lord and neglect our time of surrendering it all to Him Who owns the Kingdom...we might as well be running errands for the devil.

In His infinite love and mercy, though, Our Heavenly Father knows us and He reigns us back in...often it takes us been swallowed up by the equivalent of Jonah's big fish, but He rescues us and He pulls us back to Him.  Our job is to be still and know He is God and to listen to His voice.  All the rest will fall into place if we surrender it all to Him who design it all in the first place.

May the Lord use my imperfect and incoherent words to communicate His perfect message to all who need to hear it today.  In the Precious Name of Jesus!  Amen.

10-Minute Challenge

"Rest in His presence for 10 minutes and see how you feel at the end..."  This is the challenge that MomStrong Moms were supposed to do this week.  Yeah, I know.  It's already Friday.  But, better late than never, right?

Well, I did it.  I spent the last 10 minutes intentionally meditating on the Name of Jesus.  I closed my eyes at 4:17 with the intention of keeping them close until 4:27, but...of course...after 3 minutes, I had to open them again to see how much time had passed...I closed them again, and after 3 more minutes repeating in my head that "There's Power in the Name of Jesus" and that "He is the King of Who I am" I opened them again.  This time, my eyes landed on the banner of my blog that reads: "My Redeemer Lives..." That phrase has meant the world to me for the last 8 years since I began this blog, but often...I don't even see it...today, however, when my eyes focused on it, it felt very comforting.

In the midst of this hectic season of my life, this Bible Study challenge of spending 10 minutes of 100% devoted attention to God has shown me that God has provided a most perfect space for us to meet.  This blog represents that place where I go to spend time with Him, and for that, I am most grateful!  It's funny how my mind didn't articulate any of these thoughts while in the 10 minute-pause...but my mind did go to an attitude of thanksgiving.  It wasn't until I started to type that I could put into words my experience.  But, I guess, my heart did recognize the emotion as expressions of gratitude inundated my soul for the reminder of the time.  My mind also went to a couple of people I had had conversations with today and who needed prayers...so...all in all...I can say, the intentional quiet time with the Lord was very calming and intense at the same time.

My mind wandered a couple of times, but I was able to reign it back in.  My eyes opened, but it was a good thing, because by opening, I was able to be reminded of His blessings, which many times go unnoticed.  My soul found rest and my heart filled with thanksgiving.  What else can we ask for, right?  The best spent 10 minutes in a long time!

May the expectations of this busy season lower so I/we can find moments of complete intimacy with Our Lord.