Am I Going to Be OK? Traffic

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4: 23

“A steady, continuous stream of something.” That’s basically what my friends Merriam and Webster say is the meaning of “to flow.” In the current context of being just a few days before the end of the semester, and less than 2 weeks before Christmas, when I think of “flowing,” I picture traffic. At this time of the year, traffic is everywhere, even in an otherwise sleepy college town like this one where I live. When traffic moves in a nice, constant and continuous stream, life is not too bad. Even though the streets are busier than usual, it all “flows” so nobody is too frustrated.

As soon as there is an interruption to the smooth flow of traffic, everything changes. Young people start revving their car engines. Not so young people’s faces distort in the rear-view mirrors. Some at the end of their ropes even blow their horns (this is kind of funny because if we were in Panama, the sound of loud horns is just the everyday background soundtrack…but around here, some people have never even heard the sound of their own car’s horn).

My point is, once traffic flow is interrupted by whatever, the flow of life is disrupted. All becomes out of balance. You see some cars on the other lane moving and think, “why are THEY moving and we’re still stuck in here?” You move two inches only to come to another halt and wonder what &%$#@(I try to bite my tongue here, but sometimes…yikes) is happening up there? You start looking at the clock. You fiddle through the car radio as if looking for someone to tell you what’s going on? You hyperventilate. You start reviewing all the things you are going to be late for. Your hands start sweating. Your jaw starts tightening. Your knuckles become white as you grip the steering wheel. (I know I’m saying “you,” but what I really mean is “me”)

Sigh…

It’s simple, when the flow is disrupted, life gets out of whack.

I think that’s what author Holley Gerth is telling us in chapter 4 of her book You’re Going to Be Okay. Guarding our hearts means, in a way, allowing the Holy Spirit to be Lord over our lives in a way that the flow is balanced, constant and uninterrupted. The first aspect of maintaining such a flow is to pay attention to our emotions.

Praying that the Holy Spirit gives us mastery over our emotions is the first step to gaining self-control. Rather than letting our emotions control us as they run wildly, stumping over everything they run into, we pray that the Holy Spirit gives us discernment and awareness, so we can react to circumstances with wisdom and kindness.

Sigh…

Please Lord, help us to guard our hearts in a way that the flow of our emotions is balanced and loving so we can express our feelings in a way that is not damaging to others or ourselves.

The next posts will deal with the advice author Holley Gerth gives us in order to take the necessary steps from our end to begin to restore the healthy flow in our hearts.

Am I Going to Be OK? Too Many Feelings

A while ago, Dylan was joking about the two of us having way too many emotions. I don’t know where he heard that expression, but I agreed with him. He and I are very similar that way. We might not show them in public often, but we are a bundle of nerves and feelings…actually, everyone is!

I mean, really! The reality is that everyone feels. The thing is that we all have different ways to express what and how we feel. A person without feelings is, simply, not a person!

I remember at the beginning of our relationship, I used to call Dan a robot. He was just SO cool and collected all the time. I have to admit that often I did things just to see if he’d lose it a bit. Later I realized that he has just as many feelings as me. But he just doesn’t wear them on his sleeve the way I do.

God designed us to have feelings and emotions. They are God-given qualities. They remind us that we are alive. They are precisely what make us human. And that is exactly what God wants us to be: alive humans!

Had He wanted a bunch of heartless, reason-only, analytical beings, He would have created Himself a bunch of C-3POs…though even he shows emotions, that’s why we love him, right?

And that’s exactly it! How would we ever love if we couldn’t feel anything.

God is Love! Of course, He couldn’t create us any differently. In all our imperfection, God granted us a heart big enough to love. What a gift!

Too many emotions? Well, yes! I’m human! What do you expect? Out of control at times? Yep! I’m not fully grown yet! Unable to keep the heart guarded? Right again! That’s why I need a Savior!

I’ll try to get back to what the book says regarding how to guard our hearts tomorrow, for today, I just wanted to celebrate the fact that feelings and emotions are a true gift, and as such, I receive them and express my gratitude to the Almighty who granted them to me and to all of us.

Am I Going to Be OK? A Guarded Heart

Guarding the heart is like guarding a place that holds something of great value. Author Holley Gerth says, it’s like when a King sets up the defense system in his castle. There are guards, walls, motes, crocodiles in the motes, electrified fences, motion-sensing alarms, metal detectors, x-ray and sonogram machines at the gates, satellite-intercom systems, weaponized drones with cameras feeding video to the head of security 24/7, navy-seal/secret service officers wired for constant/instant communication…well, you get the drift…I’ve watched all the James Bond movies, so I know what I’m talking about!

If you think about it, all these defense mechanisms have three basic roles:

1. Keeping harmful things out

2. Letting good things in

3. Letting the king go out into the world to spread cheer

This is kind of what guarding the heart is like. According to the author of You’re Going to Be OK, guarding the hear is “an in-and-out flow we carefully watch.” (71) However, she says, we run the risk of sometimes, focusing way too much on only one of the three main roles, that we neglect the others, causing our heart-guarding efforts to become unbalanced.

When this happens, then, four other things develop:

1. We go on heart-lockdown: we close up. Nothing comes in or out of our hearts.

2. We open for all business: there is no protection. We let everything in.

3. Exit only: we allow some stuff out, like giving our time and resources, but we don’t let anyone or anything come in.

4. Entrance only: we get all we can get from others, but we don’t give anything.

This sounds extreme. The trick is not to see them as static categories. In my case, I’m not just one of them. I have experienced a combination of these situations at times. I’d say that in my case, I’m more of a person who tends to go into lockdown/exit only mode. For instance, often I feel insecure about my adequacy as a Mother, Wife, teacher, you name it. In those moments, I go into lockdown. I isolate myself. I project my own rejection of self onto others, and I don’t let anyone in or out. I shot down. Like a storefront in a ghost town. There are other times, and I see this happening quite a bit with my students, I give my time and dedication to them in the classroom; but I stay distant. I don’t want to get too close to them, because I don’t want to be involved in their personal dramas. I call it “protecting myself.” However, it seems more like a deliberate attempt to keep the relationship as a business transaction: impersonal.

I call going into these modes, “guarding” my heart. However, I’m learning that what I call “guarding” is actually a disruption of the flow.

A guarded heart shows the following characteristics:

1. When a heart is guarded, emotions are felt and expressed appropriately.

2. When a heart is guarded, relationships are based on give and take.

3. When a heart is guarded, Jesus is on the throne.

We will continue exploring what the author means by these three characteristics, so we can start recognizing what a truly guarded heart looks like. Let’s continue this tomorrow. Hopefully, we’ll discover some useful stuff in here.

Am I Going to Be OK?

HALTing the inner Hulk is not an easy task. It took years for me to become who I am today. Therefore, it will be silly to assume that reading a few chapters of a good book will change me. Regardless of how great the book, You’re Going to be Okay by Holley Gerth is, the Holy Spirit is the One who changes us. If we could right all of our wrongs on our own, Jesus would be just a historical character from long ago, whose inspirational life impacted many, but that would be it.

If we could save ourselves, who would need the Savior?

Realizing that my lack of self-control at times might be caused by hunger, anger, loneliness or tiredness is a wonderful tool that could help me be more intentional about not hurting others with my outbursts. HALT cannot save me, though. Only Jesus can. However, God inspires and endows His children with amazing gifts, so they can use them to help others on the way. I believe the Lord has placed this book in my hands as a tool that He knew I could use and apply because it speaks the language I understand: honesty and vulnerability.

So, I don’t proclaim the methods and tactics in the book to be the miraculous cure for common humanity. But I believe the Lord can work miracles through anything.

HALT is not magic, but, like the author says, it can potentially help me realize that my defenses are low, which means, that my heart is unguarded. Therefore, is a good tool to use so I can then proceed to taking the necessary steps to guarding this precious thing God has given to me and to all of us.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4: 23

So, let’s see what the Holy Spirit has to say about guarding our hearts through Holley Gerth’s writing as we remember that,

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 

Psalm 73: 26

Am I Going to Be OK? Mommy Hulk

“You yell so much, that sometimes I don’t think you love me…”

Dylan actually said this to me not too long ago…and it broke my heart.

My emotions and feelings are so out-of-control so often, that I am ruining the most important job God has ever given to me: Motherhood. For some reason out of my ability to understand, God decided that I should have kids. Selfish, self-centered, control-freaks should not be allowed to have children. However, here am I. God’s wisdom is unexplainable to the human mind; therefore, the paradox of a person like me being a Mom is something that I am not going to question. My emotional reality, however, does not excuse my actions. I cannot use the “God made me that way” line as a copout for my behavior. Change is in order.

The change I need is within my reach, because it has to do with the Fruits of the Spirit, and since the Spirit lives in me, His fruits will, one day, hopefully soon, bloom in my soul and be evident in the way I act.

Change can start with small/very practical steps…

Earlier we saw how, we can help the brain think different by pausing, praying and pondering. Now, in chapter 4 of Holley Gerth’s book, You’re going to be Okay, she talks about the heart, the emotions and the feelings that cause us so much of our pain. She says that “in times of stress our defenses are down.” She continues, “we each have a threshold for what we can take before it becomes really tempting to do something we know we shouldn’t. Stress takes us across that threshold much more quickly.” Then, she brings up a method called HALT which describes how this works. “In essence, when we are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, then we’re more likely to make poor choices…remembering HALT helps us pause and recognize that we’re vulnerable in some way at the moment…and we need help of some kind. It might be rest, a good meal, or a conversation with a trusted friend.” (70)

Just like with the triple P: pause, pray and ponder, HALT can be used effectively if we are intentional about it.

Instead of blowing up because Dylan left garbage on the couch, I need to pause and think about why I am so irritated by this: Am I hungry? Knowing me, the answer to this question is inevitably YES! Am I angry? Well, what a silly question, of course I’m angry! That’s the whole point! I’m the Hulk of all Moms!!! I AM ALWAYS ANGRY!!!! Am I lonely? Often, I do feel terribly lonely, even in a crowded room… Am I tired? This time of the year, I am always tired…

Being aware of my basic emotions at the moment helps me realize that the irritation I’m experiencing due to the display of candy wrappings, empty bottles and crumbs on my couch is mostly provoked not by Dylan’s actions of negligence; but my own unattended feelings.

What to do?

First, EAT! Many afternoons I get home without having had lunch and, before I do anything else, I should just eat. It is amazing how many arguments could be skipped if I just do this. This will help with me not being so angry to start.

Second: breathe…

Third: look around and realize the blessing of my family. I am not alone!

Fourth: go look at the disaster area and see if the flame of irritation is still ignited. Then, walk away and lay down for a few minutes if just looking at the mess makes my blood boil. Nobody ever comes to visit us, so who cares if the couch is full of garbage for another 30 minutes. Also, that could give Dylan a chance to clean it up without me having to say anything to him first! Yeah, wishful thinking, but hey, it’s the season of miracles, right?

Of course, this type of behavior requires discipline, self-control and intentionality…concepts that only come once we have dealt with deeper issues that have to do with guarding our hearts. But that will be for next time. Right now, I’m going to HALT the Hulk before Dylan comes home…so I can begin to erase the pain from him thinking I don’t love him…

Am I Going to be OK? Everyone Hates Me

I am the reason everyone in my house is miserable…

That is a thought that has been puncturing my heart quite insistently in the last few…years…making me bleed, consuming my time and energy, depriving me of joy.

I cower in shame, covered in a blanket of darkness knitted by my own destructive, self-inflicted guilt. I don’t even know how to knit…but, there I am, daily knitting this blanket around me, aided by the enemy, who seeks to entrap me in this cocoon of death that slowly asphyxiates me and separates me from the Only One who can save me.

Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.” John 11: 43-44

This is the good news!!! When we belong to Christ, He does not leave us in the tomb! He comes to us. He weeps (John 11: 35). And He rescues us. He calls out our name, and at the sound of His voice…we rise up again, still wrapped up in the grave clothes, but alive…in His presence…free.

This is the kind of lesson that author Holley Gerth tries to teach us in chapter 3 of her book, You Are Going to Be Okay. This chapter deals with the powerful minds that God has endowed us with, as she teaches us valuable tactics to gain some semblance of control over our thought-live, so we don’t have to stay in the darkness of the tomb all of our lives.

Like we saw earlier, using the Fruits of the Spirit as a measure to test our thoughts, she wraps up the chapter by reminding us that it is possible to replace our toxic thoughts because Christ has equipped us to do so in order for us to not have to walk around with our grave clothes on after He has brought us back to life.

Every time we are bombarded by nasty thoughts, we are to pause, pray and walk away to ponder whether the thought that is tormenting us is of God or of the enemy. And the way to do that is by isolating the thought, then, testing it against two pieces of Scripture: Philippians 4: 8 and Galatians 5: 22 this way:

“Is this a thought that’s true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy? Is it a thought filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control? If the answer is yes, keep on thinking it! If the answer is no or not completely, then replace it. Look at it from a different perspective. Think of it from a God’s perspective.”

For example:

I am the reason everyone in my house is miserable…

This is the type of thought that when tested against the questions above, the answer is a resounding NO to all the instances.

How can I replace it? How can I look at the issue from a God-perspective?

Maybe if I pause, pray and walk away to ponder, I could perhaps, rephrase the issue in this way:

I am worried about the happiness of my loved ones. It seems that I don’t know how to contribute to making their lives better, and that often, my actions and words may actually cause them to be unhappy. But I don’t know how to avoid that. I take responsibility for what I have done, and I pray, Lord, that you will help me improve. Please show me the way to becoming who you need me to be in order to love well all the people You have entrusted to me. Please forgive me for my short-comings, and fill me up with the Fruits of the Spirit. I don’t want to dwell in the dark tomb anymore.

Your turn now...what thoughts are tormenting you at this point in your life?  Pause, pray and ponder.  Put them to the test and if you need to, replace them.  Praised be the Lord for giving us those who help us take away the grave clothes off so we can go and be free. 

Am I Going to Be OK? The Tools of the Spirit

Continuing with the fruits of the Spirit dilemma and how ashamed I feel most of the time the phrase is uttered, the core of the issue has to do with my self-centeredness.  I think it all revolves around me.  Therefore, I think I have ultimate control over all I do, feel and think.  This is one of the biggest fallacies the enemy uses to manipulate us and make us walk away from Our Lord… when we feel in control, we don’t need a Savior… we don’t need a Lord… for we are both…

I really think the approach Holley Gerth uses in her book You’re Going to Be Okay is really interesting and ultimately, very useful.  She explores the mind and the command to transforming it in a way that seems very practical.  I particularly appreciate the reminder that we want our thoughts to be controlled by the Spirit, not by our flesh.  One very realistic way to accomplishing this state is by intentionally testing our thoughts against the Fruits. 

She offers a little chart with the fruits of the Spirit on the left, matched by a list of what I’m calling the fruits of self-annihilation, on the left, preceded by the question: “Does this thought bring …?” We are supposed to think of a currently pressing thought and then check or circle all the applicable items from the two lists in the chart.  I’m going to reproduce the chart here, because I believe it is super useful:

o   Love o   Joy o   Peace o   Patience o   Kindness o   Goodness o   Faithfulness o   Gentleness o   Self-Control

o    Isolation o   Depression o   Anxiety o   Striving o   Condemnation o   Shame o   Doubt o   Harshness o   Self-punishment/self-indulgence

“If all the checks are o the right, we are to consider that the thought is NOT from God.  If some of the checks are on the right, there may be some truth, but there are lies too.  If all of the checks are on the left and the thought aligns with Scripture, it’s of God.”

I mean, really?  How simple is that?!  I don’t know about you, but using the Fruits of the Spirit this way changes them from an anxiety/dread-inducing list of out-of-my-reach attributes that I desperately need, but don’t seem to ever get, to a tool directly given to me by the Most High to help me gain control of my thought-life and begin to allow the Holy Spirit to start the renewing of my mind!

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12: 2

Praised be the Lord.  His ways are not my ways, but His ways are perfect!