Anger Part 1

For some reason I am wired in a way that anger is my default emotion. No matter what it is, I get angry first, then I ask questions later…maybe. The worst thing is that often I don’t even know I am doing it. It is only when I see the look of concern and/or fear on the faces of those around me that I realized I must have gotten angry about something. And I’m sorry to say it, but most of my angry explosions are usually directed at, and/or in the presence of the people I love the most.

Sigh…

Anger is very draining. It drains my joy and it leaves my heart feeling empty, guilty and sad. Let alone the damage to those around me…uncontrolled anger destroys my witnessing…it destroys any efforts I may have made to show others the face of Christ in me. It causes me to lose credibility. “How could a person who claims to be godly get so uncontrollably angry?” I imagine that’s what they think when they see me having one of my episodes. Needless to say, my lack of self-control and inability to tame my short temper causes me to experience deep feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. So much so, that I often end up crying in the shower full of regret.

Not that long ago, I heard our Pastor preach on this topic. He said that anger can usually be traced to three emotions: hurt, frustration and fear. What does that say about someone like me, a person who is angry a lot? I guess it means that I feel hurt, frustrated and/or afraid a lot. But why? Why am I inundated by such awful feelings?

Well,

I feel hurt because I take myself too seriously.

I feel frustrated because I am too controlling.

I feel afraid because I don’t trust God.

I take myself too seriously, therefore, I get offended easily.

I’m too controlling, therefore, I lose it when things don’t go my way.

I don’t trust God enough, therefore, it’s really hard for me to stay calm when life is scary.

My husband summarized it best. A few days ago he said to me: “You live to heavy.” At first I wasn’t sure what he meant by that. I think I know now. I walk around dragging a dreadful ball and chain that not only weighs me down, but also keeps me heavily secured on the ground…too earthbound…unable to climb the heights that God has prepared for me…unable to live my life with eternity in my heart.

Sigh…

What to do? I have no clue other than to pray. Pray for the Holy Spirit to grow His fruits in me as He softens my heart, making it a fertile soil ready for the seeds that were planted long ago to finally bloom and yield the long awaited crop.

I’ll get back to this topic tomorrow. In the meantime, let’s join in prayer, for the enemy to flee as we submit to the Lord and fight the battles of this world armed with His strength.