Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Summer Meditations: Insecurities

Do you ever feel insecure? I do… all the time. I struggle with self-doubt. I wrestle with a sense of inadequacy. I often battle feelings of inferiority. The fight becomes particularly intense while in the context of parenting, home-making and family. There are many voices in my head that scream at me all day things like: “You are the worst Mother in the world.” “You call yourself a wife?” “You are such a failure… you don’t even know how to treat your family like human beings!”

Thoughts like those are pretty much permanent residents in my mind. I even tell my kids that in the lottery of Mothers they really got cheated…

I cannot shake the feeling that I am messing up my kids’ lives. All around me there are better Moms. Why can’t I be one of them?

During our summer vacation, I blew up at my sons a number of times. I yelled at Dylan so much, the poor child told me his life is full of woe… “woe”… he actually used that word. I have no clue where he learned it, but he learned it well, and he utilized it in the right context…sigh…

Today, as I look back at our days in Panama, I see three weeks filled with exciting adventures, but also, days tainted by the consequences of a short temper that ignites and explodes at the slightest mishap… and that makes me feel ashamed…which causes my insecurity to sky-rocket… which, in turn, messes with my head some more… which, makes me angry with myself even more… which means, I am ready to blow up again at any, tiny thing the kids do… which makes the crazy cycle spin into eternity.

Why do I feel like that? I don’t know. I’m not a psychologist. I’m not an expert on the innerworkings of the human mind. But I think, insecurity has to do with fear. In my case, my bad temper and lack of self-control makes me fear that those around me are not going to want to be around me any longer. I fear I am not going to deserve their love… and that fear propels the boat of inadequacy so far out of reach that when I have moments of lucidity, the ship is already in mid ocean with no shore in sight.


The truth is, nobody deserves love…we are all sinners…there is nobody fully righteous in this world…

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. 1 John 1:8-10

The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; Who can understand it? 
Jeremiah 17: 9

As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one. Romans 3:10

However, for reasons that I don’t think I’ll ever understand, God does love us…as a matter of fact, He loved us first! (1 John 4: 19) He loves us even in the midst of our unlovability… He loves me…even though I am unlovable to my own eyes! He showers me with His abundant love and grace even though I am the most undeserving of His children. And that truth is what I have to hang on to. The truth of His unending love is what must bring me back to the beach…back to the ground, so I’m not adrift in the ocean of my self-destructive insecurities.

Fear must disappear from my heart, because:

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4: 18

I want to be made perfect in His love…the only love that is unfailing on the undeserving.

Therefore, rather than listening to the voices in my head that scream at me all day about how horrible a Mother, Wife, Friend, etc. I am, I must dive into the Word and memorize the truth that gently, but firmly tells me,

…but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

No matter how I feel about myself, the truth is that

… neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39


“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

And that is what I need to cling on to so I can wave good bye to my insecurities as I stop listening to the voices of the enemy, and finally tune into the Voice of Truth!

1 comment:

  1. Gisela, I wish I were there to give you a great big hug :) I know we have conversation about this very thing as it is something that I also have struggled with all my life. We need to TRY REALLY HARD to keep Satan out of our thoughts (I know way easier to say than to do.) I know Satan is beyond thrilled when he sees us going down this path. I believe you are a wonderful woman of God. I wish that I had met you sooner and thus had more time to spend with you on these spiritual matters. If you ever need anyone to talk to or vent out I will always be here :) Praying God's peace over you. :)


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