Conflict Resolution...??

"What are some positive and negative ways your children handle conflict? Make two lists."

O Dear...

Ok, I'm supposed to answer this question for our MomStrong Bible Study...and...I'm at a loss as to how to do that.  Well, actually, I could answer half of it with no problem.  Guess which half?  Yep, the list about "some negative ways" my children handle conflict.  That one is a breeze for me.  The other side of the question, "positive ways" would be like, nada...

Here's a sample situation that happened just this morning in which Grant was showing initiative on trying to figure out ways to handle conflict between him and Dylan in a "positive" way:

Grant:  hey, can you (meaning Dan and I) figure out a way so Dylan is not allowed to 

            be in the same room with me at the same time?

Dan:     yeah, just close the door.

Me:      he means ANY room of the house, not just HIS room.

Dan:     What?

Grant:   I don't want him being in the same place in the house that I'm in.

Dan:     just push him out.

Me:      but, without killing him.

Sigh...

I don't know what to tell you.  My boys get along really well in survival situations.  I am happy to say that they do know how to band together when it's necessary: on a trip, when they go somewhere and it's just the two of them, when they have to stay home alone, whenever they have to battle zombies, vampires or monsters under the bed, etc.  Throw Dan and I (specially me) in the mix, and the whole getting along, band of brothers thing falls apart like a house of cards.  At home, in the car, at restaurants, at the outlet mall, anyplace that we go together...I have to become the referee/warden/executioner because they never seem to be able to ever resolve a conflict like human beings.  

I guess that's the nature of sibling relationships.  But then, if that's the norm, why is the author of the Bible study asking about positive ways our children resolve conflict?  Shouldn't she know that's impossible?  Should that question even be a question?  Is it rhetorical?  Am I supposed to really answer it or just go like, "o yeah...as if!?"  

Anyway, while the intentions of the question remain a mystery to me, one thing is clear:  conflict among individuals who are supposed to love each other is real and inevitable.  

We cannot enter a relationship with another human being and pretend that it is going to be 100% smooth and conflict-free.  It's just not realistic.  And it adds to our already stressful and anxious lives to think there's something wrong with us just because conflict arises.  It's bound to happen!  We're humans!  We all have a mind of our own.  That's one of the many beautiful things that result of God creating us in His image: that we are able to use our brain!  The minute we begin having thoughts, though...that's the instant when trouble starts...why? Well, because not everyone around us will share our thoughts and points of view.  Everyone has a different perspective on everything.  Therefore, conflict is unavoidable.  The key is to know how to handle it without killing each other.

Interestingly enough, the same is true in our relationship with God:  we often don't share His thoughts either. And He is aware of it:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. Isaiah 55: 8

How could we? We are so consumed with wanting it all our way, that we forget that our way is most likely, probably not God's way...then, we get mad, scared, frustrated, disappointed, sad, disillusioned that our plan didn't unfold the way we had envisioned...because, again, we forget that our ways are not His ways, but His way is always best:

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55: 9

Why is this so hard to accept, then?  Well, again, because we are humans, and because our will and our desires are tainted by sin.  Our sinful nature is not fully conformed to the patterns of Christ yet.  We are still too connected to this world, hence the command to renewing our minds!

2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12: 2

It is a lifelong battle, though.  It doesn't happen by magic.  It doesn't happen by our own efforts.  It can only happen by the intervention of the Holy Spirit who is the One that gives us the mind of God in proportion to our reality as humans who still dwell on this side of eternity.  Only through the Holy Spirit can we begin to understand:

10 these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.

The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. 11 For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.12 What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. 1 Corinthians 2: 10-12

And even so, we still remain in awe, for there is no way we could ever, possibly, understand all that there is to be understood about God's designs for us while still on this earth.  If we could...what would that say about God, right?  After all...

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,

or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?

Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,

or weighed the mountains on the scales

and the hills in a balance?

13 Who can fathom the Spirit of the Lord,

or instruct the Lord as his counselor?

14 Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him,

and who taught him the right way?

Who was it that taught him knowledge,

or showed him the path of understanding? Isaiah 40: 12-14

How do my kids resolve conflict? Well, sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.  How do I deal with it? Sometimes, I'm very proud...sometimes I'm ashamed, but always my immeasurable love for both of them stays alive in me.  Kind of like the same way I deal with the fact that often God's will for me is not what I had imagined:  sometimes I see that His ways, are indeed, higher than mine...often, I feel ashamed of myself because of my reluctance to accept His plan...but always confident that He loves me and that nothing will ever change that fact.