I Choose to Trust Him, Today

As I'm entering the season of the year that brings me the most melancholy and sadness...I'm also entering a time of medical testing.  If there is something that gives me anxiety in this life is medical testing...not because of the test itself...but because of the results.  Waiting by the phone or checking my online portal every 5 minutes with sweaty palms and icy-cold fingers scanning the minutes for the moment when I get the test results consumes the best of me.

I have spent days/weeks/months agonizing as I worry, deep in anxiety about the results that may come out of my tests.  This predates my cancer diagnosis 6 years ago.  I've always panicked at the thought of having a test because of the "what if."

I. AM. TERRIFIED. OF. THE. WHAT. IF.

I'm not going to go through the litany of the "what if" scenarios that come to mind when I think about my health (or lack of thereof), because that would create even more anxiety in my already troubled heart...but I'm just going to say that I struggled with the thought of not being able to do what I think I need to do in order for my loved ones to be OK.

I carry the burden of their wellbeing upon my shoulders...so, if my shoulders are not able to carry them, who will?

I know...I know...I know...it is not mine to carry, but it feels as if it is.  I don't want my boys to grow up without a Mom.  I don't want my husband to be a widower (especially because I don't want another woman to enjoy the money I have saved for retirement! :) I don't want to bring sadness to those who depend on me in this life.  I want to be here to see them get through the milestones.  I don't want to miss the joy of grandkids.  I want to know what it feels like to be retired, enjoying life with the love of your life by your side.  I want the romantic-comedy version of my life.  

But life is not a cheesy, predictable, lollipop flavored, chick flick.  Life is hard.  Life breaks your heart.  Life beats you up.  Life slaps you on the face.  Life breaks you apart.  Life tears you into pieces.  Life shakes you up and jerks you around.  Life stabs you on the back, and, when you're not looking...it pulls the rug from under your feet and it ends.

So...is it worth it?  Is there hope?

Well...it all depends.  Like most things, finding the value of life and seeing the hope depend on our choices: am I going to choose to fall into despair and trouble my soul anticipating a future that might not even come to pass? or am I going to trust the One Who Made me?

In my case, most of my anxiety comes from fear...and the fear comes from placing my gaze on the future.  I forget the truth that the future is not promised.  My vision should be fixed on Christ in the here and in the now.  If I choose to seek Him first today...then, I won't have time to worry about the future.  If I choose to trust Him today, then, I'd know His promises.  If I choose to place my hope in the things not seen, but on those unseen today, then, I'd know that Faith in Him is where I find Hope.  If I choose to know His Word today, then, I'd know that He calls me His own, that He knows me, that He made me and that He would never leave me for I am His masterpiece.

He knows the number of my days, and He has always known them...even before I came to be...so, I pray I can choose to trust in the Maker of my days, and that I learn to relax in the Hands that formed my being.

For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139: 13-16 (ESV)

I will try to leave the future in His most capable hands...as I walk with Him today...day by day...through medical tests, through the waiting hours, through the processing of the results.  He is the King of Who I Am, and I choose to trust the One On The Throne!