Martha-Life/Messy-Life

Back to the topic of my Martha-life, I read this this morning in one of my devotionals:

“when things don’t go as you would like, accept the situation immediately. If you indulge in feelings of regret, they can easily spill over the line into resentment. Remember that I am sovereign over your circumstances and humble yourself under My mighty hand.”

Those sentences really spoke to me. As I have mentioned in more than one occasion, I’m a person who likes things to go as planned…so when they don’t…well…I get…how shall I put it politely…a bit out of sorts.

I come home from work having a mental plan of all the things I have to accomplish, but the second I open the door, I see dog-puke on the rug. By the time I get done taking care of our furry friend, Grant walks in the door back from school, and after hearing some of his stories, I remember I haven’t checked his grades in a while. I get into the electronic site where I can do that and…O NO!!!! He’s got a D in Math and I didn’t know about it! We are not done with the lengthy discussion that follows, when Dylan walks in the door back from school too. He’s got a ton of papers I need to review and sign. The battle of the wills between Dylan and I begin shortly after that to see who wins this round of video-game playing v. go do your homework already! Dinner! I have not gotten dinner ready! Open the fridge to see what’s in there that takes less than ½ hour to look like homemade… “What’s that smell?” Dylan says, “chicken!” I reply. “Can I have Subway tonight?” Grant asks. “Not today, sorry.” “Daddy’s home!” “Darn it! Dinner is not ready!” “Hi Babe, how was your day?” “Let me tell you…” “Has anybody fed the dog?” “There isn’t any dog food!” “Scraps tonight…sorry…someone take the dog out…by the way, he puked today…I wonder why?”

Everybody is finally asleep…what was it I had to do? I don’t know…I’ll do it tomorrow…I gotta go to bed.

The frustration and the stress of things accumulated cause me to get undone… cause me to reach that moment when the plans I have in my head violently collide with the reality of my life…then…sparks fly…and not the good kind…from the small to the big, every time that I have to change course, my brain goes into some kind of short circuit. It’s like, say, when a serious thunder storm passes by and lightening makes the lights go off. Then, you have to go down to the basement to flip some brackets on and off a few times in order for the lights to come back on again… like that… It is not pretty. Those who have the privilege to witness one of those episodes don’t like it one bit. Those few seconds of darkness are terrifying for anyone around me.

…sigh…

“I’m sorry…” It’s all that I have left to say afterwards. Then, regret and upon occasions, even resentment settle into my spirit, wrapping it into a heavy blanket of dreariness …

Today, as I stand in the midst of the messy life I lead, I choose to pray and to trust in Him. I pray that the Lord would help me find a venue to vent my frustrations in a healthy way. Today, I trust and I place all my plans into His hands…in humility. Please Lord, let me abandon the pride behind my plans and priorities. May your guiding Hand teach me to be humble and submit all of me to You…In Christ’s Name…Amen!