I've been thinking about all these messages the Lord is sending me about letting go and surrendering, as well as all the meditations I've done on the passages pertaining to Martha and Mary, and I have come to the conclusion that the topic is not exhausted yet. Therefore, I've decided that I would like to continue exploring it for a bit longer. I think I'd like to dedicate a few more posts to the look I am taking at my own life as a Martha...
As a Martha, I like to plan. I like to know that things are going to get done as I have arranged them in my mind. As a Martha, I also dislike it when the characters (the many "Marys") in my play/plan don't do what I assigned them to do...
In other words, I am a control-freak, frazzled, bossy, rigid, inflexible person who has a hard time surrendering to God's plans and finding peace in the midst of life's chaos.
I'm an action-driven woman, who is desperately seeking to slow-down enough to hear and discern the ways in which the Lord is leading me into a place of contentment and stillness.
Like, for instance, right now: I am teaching an online course that is only 2 1/2 weeks long. I have done almost all the work of uploading, arranging and organizing the material that the students need in order to get through the lessons and perform well in this class. Due to the online nature of the course, students are 99% responsible for the learning. There isn't much I can do to guide them unless they reach out to me and ask me questions, which usually doesn't happen much online...that is precisely why they chose to take the class in this format, so they didn't have to interact much and could do the work at their own pace, independently. So...what am I doing? Relaxing? Yeah, right... I am sitting here, worrying that I'm not doing enough!
I can't chill! It is so out of character for me to be in this passive role of facilitator. I'm comfortable being in charge of a class, telling everybody what to do and how to do it, driving the learning process with a very short leash ... control-freak-alert ... that now, I don't know what to do with myself! I keep sending my students e-mails at a rate I know they can't keep up with. I keep posting things on our classroom page, that I know they are not reading. I keep finding ways to have a more involved role in this class than an online format is suited for... I am worried I will drive students, who took this course online to have more control themselves, away and end up with an empty virtual classroom.
I have issues...sigh...
Anyway...the good news is that in all her neediness (I have a theory that all these control issues stem from deeply rooted insecurities and an insatiable need for approval) there was someone Martha could never drive away: Jesus!
Just like He did with her, Jesus speaks to me at a level that I understand (if I can be still for a second!). He knows how to reach me. He knows I do, like Martha, love Him with all my heart.
And as He did with Martha, I pray and I trust that Jesus will allow me also to receive His revelation as I come to Him just as I am.